I told you of the name that was carved red in my leg

You said you wanted to see

I showed you in the car and you smiled next to me

After that name I put the blade away, looking at it every night but never taking it out

Then I cut one straight line

And another

And another

I felt that I could take the pain for you cause of what you were going through

If I was in pain you wouldn't need to be

I asked if I should re-cut the name

You said no

You were firm, and loving

Saying you didn't want me to be the victim of self-inflicted pain because you loved me

I tried to stop but my mind fogged and my hands moved on their own

I begged myself to stop since you said it hurt you and you didn't deserve to be hurt anymore

Repeating your words over and over in my head

That you couldn't love someone that didn't respect what you were asking

I did care and I did respect that and I love you

But when I see the blade it's like I'm shoved out of my body and it's taken over by something else

I stand there screaming at myself to stop

But the hands and the body that I can no longer control ignore my pleas

The hands rub alcohol into the bleeding lines and a tingling pain fills my arm and legs

But that doesn't make the body stop

Even though I'm separated from the body I am still well aware of the pain

I ask, beg you for help

You said you were afraid that I would make that one final cut that would end my life

I reassured you that it would never happened

I said that I never cut that deep and I never cut where it could kill me

But then after those words are spoken, I think

And I notice that I would never do that but what about that thing that evicts me from my body?

Who knows what that thing will do next?

And that thought truly scared me