A/N: Just want to say thanks for reading and engaging. It's all of you who make this fun and worth doing! 3
"Stabler!" His name echoes off the granite facade of the courthouse exterior and Elliot turns towards the source, pulling off his sunglasses as he sets eyes on Brian Cassidy.
"Cassidy." Damn it always makes him feel old to see someone after twenty years. Cassidy's still got that frat guy look to him, rough around the edges. But now he's bald and wrinkled, swathed in a suit like he's playing dress up. And as always, Elliot can't help but wonder what others see when they look at him after so long.
"Hey, man. I thought that was you. Heard you were back." Cassidy grins, shaking his hand and slapping his shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah. And you? Still on the force?" Elliot squints at him, deciding on friendliness for old times sake. Though he's not sure why he cares either way.
"Nah. Retired a few years ago. But then I got bored. Working for the DA's office as an investigator now. You're back though?"
"Organized Crime." Elliot nods, ready to say his goodbyes.
"You and Liv in touch?" Brian asks before Elliot can make any excuses and it gives him pause.
"Um, yeah. You?" He tries to relax, but he can feel his eyebrows pinching.
"Run into her time to time. Ya know, whole system's kinda a small world. But ah…haven't caught up with her in a while. Hey - got time for a drink?"
Yeah, he's got time. But he wasn't really interested until Liv's name entered the conversation and now for some reason a drink with Cassidy seems like a good call. "Yeah. A quick one."
They find themselves at a bar on Murray. One of those places that they used to go to back in the day but that's gotten strangely swanky and goddamit everytime he turns a corner New York's gone and betrayed him and changed. It just reminds him he's been gone too long and almost a year back doesn't seem to reduce that feeling.
The bar is still strung with lights and Elliot's not sure if they haven't quite gotten around to pulling them down post-holiday, or if they just keep them up year-round.
Cassidy orders a whiskey, so he joins in and for a few minutes they sip their drinks in a stilted silence.
"I uh…heard about your wife. I'm really sorry." Cassidy clears his throat awkwardly and it's almost funny to Elliot how sometimes things don't change.
But he stifles his amusement, nods slowly. "Thanks."
"Your kids ok?"
He takes a slow sip. "They're getting there. Hasn't been easy."
The silence stretches again and Elliot decides it's time to move things along. "So, you retired?"
"Yeah. I dunno. Was sick of the NYPD and the politics. But then I spent a few months hitting golf balls and uh…" He shrugs, smiling. "It was fucking boring, man."
Elliot chuckles.
"Anyways, I think maybe it was like a reaction, ya know? To the breakup with Liv."
Elliot hears it just as he sips and he nearly chokes, coughing as the whiskey burns his windpipe. He turns his face away from Cassidy as he hears his raspy laugh. "Guess she didn't tell you about us…And I don't think I'm surprised." He sounds wistful and Elliot glances over, catching a glimpse of Cassidy's disheartened face before he washes it down with a mouthful of whiskey.
"We uh…we haven't caught up as much as we should. There's just been…a lot going on. My fault really." Elliot tries to excuse, even as he's unsure why Liv didn't mention Cassidy at all when he'd tried to probe her dating history. But Cassidy shakes his head and doesn't meet Elliot's eye.
"Yeah, well. Ya know we tried again. Lived together for a little while. But uh…I wasn't ever what she needed. Not really." Cassidy rubs his forehead and tries to smile.
Elliot had always guessed at the depth of Cassidy's feelings for Liv. He'd felt sorry for the kid - and Cassidy was a kid back then, even though he was Olivia's age. Had felt a little sad that his feelings for Liv were so strong and that Liv just saw him as a way to pass the time. Not that she ever wanted to talk about it with Elliot, but if there was one thing he was good at, it was reading Olivia Benson. But he knows all of it now, everything that Brian went through, sees it written plainly on his face.
"She ever…talk about me? Those days?"
Elliot clears his throat, a little too loud. "Well um, there were certain things back then she kept close to the vest."
Brian chuckles softly, fondly. "Still are."
"I knew…that you two were…" He adds, though he's not sure why he feels the need.
"Yeah? What else did you know?"
Elliot sighs, bites the bullet. "That you loved her. Still do I see?"
"Yeah well. I'm not alone. Am I?"
Cassidy's looking at him, seeing too much. For a second Elliot wants to deny and deflect. But commiserating with Cassidy is somehow less lonely so he nods and looks away.
And now he wants to know more. Maybe all of it. "How long were you…the last time around?"
"Little over a year? I think we might not have lasted that long if it wasn't for…everything. Not that she would talk to me about that. Did she ever…reach out to you then?"
Elliot squints at Cassidy, confused. "No. We…we weren't in touch while I was away."
Brian looks surprised. "Oh. I asked her, just once, about you. That's what she said. That she hadn't spoken to you since you left. But-" Brian laughs harshly. "I don't think I ever believed her."
Brian takes a long drink and Elliot stays quiet, trying to piece together whatever Cassidy is hinting at. A part of him wants to probe, but he knows on instinct that if he does Cassidy will shut down, not tell him what he needs to know.
"I think she only really wanted to talk to you after everything. She was never really able to open up to me. To tell me everything. I mean I heard about some of it, during the trial. But uh, she asked me not to come on some of those days, ya know, when the worst of it was being said. Kept telling me I shouldn't hear it. But I wanted to. Just because I thought it was important for her to be able to tell me all the bad stuff too. Not just the easy stuff? But uh…I know she never took me that seriously. I think she thought I couldn't handle it. And uh. Well there's stuff I wasn't ready to talk to her about. Stuff I buried down deep. So I understand in a way. I get it. You don't want a person you care about to look at you like that. Don't want them to see into all the dark places. Pity you. And Liv's always been strong. She wears it like a badge. Like she can just handle everything by herself. But I just wanted her to lean on me. I- fuck. I'm gonna stop rambling." Brian laughs again, cold and painful.
Fuck, Elliot doesn't know what to do with any of it. A trial? The vague 'everything' that Cassidy keeps mentioning. Dark places? He remembers what Liv said at Christmas, the hint of something bad. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and a little bit of this knowledge is already eating him alive. But Brian remains oblivious. On to his second drink, so much already said, it seems he doesn't feel the need to hold back. He gives Elliot a long, frustrated look.
"She always wanted you. I knew that, back then. I always tried not to think about it too much. And then when we tried again…I always wondered if you would have gotten her to open up. If she wanted you there instead of me. Heh…actually I'm sure she wanted you there instead of me."
And what the fuck is he supposed to do with any of that?
They sit in the tension of it for several minutes before Brian finally breaks it. He swallows down the remainder of his drink, his demeanor forcibly shifting.
"I got nothing against ya. Still…I wanted it to be me." He nods to himself, like he's accepted something. "Just ya know…take care of her. She deserves that. She deserves to be loved with everything. I really want that for her."
He nods stiffly, throws down a few bills and then he's out the door.
Elliot sits in the bar for another hour, nursing a drink and pondering whatever was lurking between the lines of everything Brian had said. He keeps returning to the idea that Liv wanted him. He wonders in what way. He wonders if she still does.
Even after Christmas and New Years and an evening of first kisses that still feel surreal, he's scared about where they're heading, if they'll ever get there.
He steps out into the icy air and calls her, walking slowly back to his car.
She answers on the third ring. "Hey," She still sounds surprised every time he reaches out and there's something truly sad in that.
"Hey…I um…I was thinking about you and I just thought I'd call…"
"Oh that's…a nice surprise." He hears the hesitation, the clatter of dishes in the background.
"You're in the middle of dinner?"
"No, we just finished. Just cleaning the kitchen and uh…Noah's got homework to finish." The last of it sounds like it's directed towards her son and he waits as he hears Noah's muffled voice, the tap running.
"Sorry. I'm here."
"I can call back?" He offers.
"No. We're uh, all settled." An ambulance rushes by and he presses the mouthpiece to his shoulder.
"Where are you?" She asks when the road quiets.
"Uh, just getting back in my car. Ran into Brian Cassidy actually. We just finished a drink."
"Oh." There's a wealth of information in that syllable, if he can just figure out how to break it open.
"He had a lot to say." Elliot prompts into her silence, shuddering into the cold car seat. He hears her soft laugh and he can picture the way she's probably rubbing her temple, shaking her head.
"Cassidy." She sighs softly and he hopes he's interpreting her voice correctly when he hears the measured patience, the reluctant fondness.
"You didn't tell me about the two of you." He pushes.
"There wasn't much to tell." She answers slowly.
"You lived together." He prods harder. "Did you live with Ed?"
Olivia huffs and he's sure she's already run out of patience with him. "No. Ed and I never lived together."
She falls silent once more and he thinks about the things that are really bothering him.
"Ok…any other big things you want to tell me?"
"About what?" Voice even in a way that belies her discomfort.
"About exactly what you thought of when I asked the question. About whatever it is Cassidy kept obliquely referring to but wouldn't just come out and name. About that thing you didn't want to talk about during Christmas." He no longer knows if he's curious or frustrated or demanding answers. Is no longer certain if he feels he's owed them or if he's begging for disclosure. He's balanced on some razor edge that he's sure is going to slice him to pieces.
He listens to her breathe, long and deep.
"I'm not ready." She finally answers.
"Because you don't trust me."
"Because of… a lot of reasons. Because it's hard to talk about. Because I don't want to hurt you. Because I hate thinking about it. Because on a good day it feels like ancient history and on a bad day it feels like…like I don't know how I made it through. And yes. Because I don't trust you. Didn't we talk about you showing me I could trust you? I'm not there yet."
"I get it," He sighs with resignation. "I just- Why does it feel like I have no idea how to do that? How do I mend ten years of damage without it taking another ten years?"
She laughs, gently. "I don't have an answer for you. All I can say is I'm willing to give you the time to do it. And I'm willing to give you the chance. You just have to learn a little patience. It's not going to happen with a snap of your fingers."
Patience. Theoretically he can do that. Although he feels fucking impatient to have it all laid out, to win back her friendship so they can move forward to more.
"So I guess googling you so I can find out is off the table?" He's not kidding, not in his tone, not in the idea that had crossed his mind when Cassidy walked out of the bar.
"Is that really how you want to do this when I'm telling you I'm not ready to talk about it." She chides, none too kindly.
It's not, but if she gave him the green light, he absolutely would. "No. Not at all, really. But in case you were wondering, I haven't googled you all these years. I thought about it. But…"
"Are you trying to apologize for not cyber stalking me?" She jokes.
"Yeah. I guess I am. I just…You told me you weren't sure I cared. And whatever this big thing is, Liv. I don't know about it. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'm going to be wishing I knew when it happened, that I had reached out or been here or something. I want you to know that now. That I already regret it and I don't even know what it is yet."
He waits for her to take it in as he leans back into his seat, watching the movement on the streets from the quiet of his car.
"Ok…that's good to know. I wondered if you knew and…I don't know what it would have meant if you knew and stayed out of touch. Honestly…I'm not sure what I would have done with that."
"I'll take it. Maybe it helps offset the fact that I didn't ask you anything about your life for the first 8 months I was back?" Another kinda sorta apology, but he hears her smile as she softly scoffs.
"There is something…about Ed that I've been thinking of telling you." She pauses.
"Ok,"
"You know him, Elliot. Ed Tucker."
It's just one thing too much really. So much information for one evening and none of it feels like something he was ready for. He opens his mouth to reply, oscillating between confusion and anger, certain neither is going to help him now.
"Elliot." The frustration in her tone is apparent.
"Yeah. I heard you." He grumps.
"That's it?"
He scoffs. "IAB Ed Tucker?"
"That's the one."
"I feel like you're trying to bait me." It feels like a trap, like there can't possibly be a way to respond honestly and not simultaneously say the absolute wrong thing.
"You told me you wanted to know things. I'm telling you something." And she's not wrong there.
"Liv…you're gonna have to explain that one to me. Because," He laughs, a little too harshly. "Because the last thing I knew you hated that guy, so I'm not sure how you went from there to calling him the most serious relationship you've had these past ten years. And clearly I don't know how to ask without sounding pissed off."
Her voice is a study in tolerance. "Well, like most things, there isn't a simple explanation. I went through a lot. And he was someone I learned I could trust. We saw past our differences and figured out we were more alike than we realized. Sometimes that's just what happens."
"And that 'lot' that you went through, that's about the thing you're not ready to talk to me about?"
She pauses in reflection, "Yes and no. I guess that was a starting point in a way. But there were other things. Some cases we worked together. Some times he helped my squad out. Some information he shared, helping me watch my back. He did things, over time, that made me trust him."
"Well, I guess the good news is that it gives me hope." Elliot tries to find acceptance. "I mean if you could come around on Ed Tucker, I would hope I can get you to come around on me."
"Ha. I guess you could say that."
Quiet lapses between them that feels tranquil and he wants to see her, wants to go over and hold her, breathe her in and just be near her. He's about to ask when she clears her throat.
"I should…take care of a few things."
He smiles, nods to himself. "Right. Yeah. Thanks for uh…letting me in."
"Thanks for calling. Goodnight, Elliot."
The call ends and he taps his thumb against the edge of the phone, digesting. It's a start he supposes. Even if it feels like he can't see the end of the tunnel. For now, it'll have to do.
