Outbreak Chronicles: A New City, A New Story Presents:
Cupcakes! A Side Story
Disclaimer: We don't own Resident Evil.
Sylph and Sweetboxer run through an alleyway, their sneakers splashing in puddles. They don't notice the rain as they try to escape a mob of zombies.
SSW, panting: Who got us into this mess?
SB opens his mouth to speak.
SSW: Don't answer that!
The two go reach the other end of the alley to find... more zombies. They're trapped, and the zombies are closing in.
SSW: Shit!
SB: It's been nice knowing you... Well, not really...
SSW: (Glares at SB) Bastard...!
The sound of automatic fire catches their attention. The zombies in front of them are mowed down, and they quickly run through the still falling bodies to find...
SSW & SB: YOU?
CJ: I thought you guys needed some help, since you're always up to trouble of some kind. Ahahaha!
Standing behind Jello was indeed a good amount of backup. George, Alyssa and David were all holding automatic weapons.
SSW & SB: (Run, jump, and hug CJ, uttering numerous thank you's)
CJ: Please get off me...
SSW & SB: (Back away quickly)
SB: Heh heh...
SSW: But where are Cindy, Kevin and Yoko? And umm... (tries to think) I forget the other ones.
SB: (Looks on the palm of his hand, where he has written the names of the magic eight) Ummm, Mark and Jim...
SSW: Right, The fat one and the one nobody likes. Where are they!
Alyssa: Chubsy and The Hemorrhoid are at the nearest bar getting hammered with Kevin.
George: And we have no idea where Yoko and Cindy are.
David: Hmph! You guys can stop talking any time now... The zombies are catching up...
CJ: Oh... I think I'm out of ammo...
SSW: Crap! I guess we'd better run...
David: That'd be a good idea.
Everybody runs down the street until they come to that part that's totally choked with zombies, you know, from the Outbreak scenario. They turn off into an alley on the other side of the street.
SSW: (panting) Sweetboxer and I have been running for a while. I don't think I can keep it up.
SB: (panting also) Me neither.
George: It seems that we must find either a vehicle, or some shelter.
The gang starts tugging on random doors as the moans of the walking dead draw closer. They finally find one that's unlocked and run into the house, shutting and locking the door behind them. They are now in a nicely furnished living room.
SSW: (leaning on the door) Safe... for now. I hope we can find some weapons in here.
SB: (Plops down on the couch) I'm just happy to sit.
Everyone sits on the couches and chairs in the room.
SSW: (sadly) You think the people in this house are dead or zombified?
David: Probably. Almost everyone--
The telephone on the small table in the corner rings. They all look at each other, wondering if they should pick it up. No one gets up to do it, so the phone stops ringing and the answering machine starts.
Answering machine: Hello. You've reached the home of Albert Wesker. I am probably busy killing Chris Redfield, or concocting a plan to kill him. If you need someone eliminated, or a sample collected, leave the time, place, and reward after the beep, and I will get back to you if I'm interested. Everyone else, fuck off. Oh, except for mom. Also, if you happen to be Redfield, please stay on the line as I am tracing your call. DAMMIT! Did I say that out lou-- Beeeep -
Telemarketer: Uh, hello Mister (pause) Whisker. I thought you might be interested in some vibrating earmuffs. You can get two pairs for only ninety nine ninety nine! And if you buy now, you get a purple helper monkey for free! Please call me at 1-800-9--
SB walks over, picking up the reciever then slamming it down.
SB: Telemarketers are the spawn of Satan. Nobody deserves to deal with them, not even Wesker... (looks up, at SSW) Uh, Sylph? Are you alright?
SSW stares at phone with eyes wide and drool dribbling down her chin. She runs over to the phone and cradles it in her hands. She begins kissing the receiver...
SSW: His ear was on this!
SB: God. Keep her away from the toilet.
SSW runs out of the room and up the stairs, finding the bedroom. She starts taking clothes - mostly black; all dark colors - out of the drawers and closets. She either puts them on or stuffs them into her pockets.
SB (still downstairs): I wonder if I should go stop her. No wait! I can find some incriminating evidence that he's gay... (chuckles evilly, walking up the stairs and into the bedroom.)
SSW turns around, looking up from the underwear drawer: What're you doing here?
SB: I wonder if there's any lube, or sex toys, or something. Though I know it wouldn't be used much... (chuckles cruelly)
SSW: -Twitch- If I were you I would run...NOW!
SB obeys her and runs down the stairs, with her following close behind. He smacks face first into Alyssa, David, and George; all of them, including Sylph, topple over and onto Wesker's coffee table, demolishing it.
A blond man rushes into the living room at the sound of the splintering mahogany, wearing a black apron and matching oven mitts.
Wesker: What the hell are you people doing in my house? (points at SSW) And why is she wearing my clothes?
SB: Ummm... (Quickly uses Sylph as a human shield) She's a crazy fangirl! A RAVING LUNATIC! STAY AWAY OR SHE'LL EAT YOU!
Wesker: (Blinks) Is that you, Sweetboxer? Back for another already!
SB: I never initiated anything! You KNOW that!
BACK IN REALITY
SB: I never initiated anything! You KNOW that!
David: (Points to SB) Who the hell is he talking to!
Wesker: No idea. But answer my questions!
SSW is just staring at Wesker, looking like she's in ecstasy. SB starts poking her in the arm while everyone else ignores them.
Alyssa: We were being chased by a bunch of zombies, and we needed a place to hide, okay?
Wesker: No, it's not okay. Your problems have nothing to do with me. I want you off of my property, now.
George: Do you realize that missiles will destroy your property, along with everything else within this city, in a matter of--
Alyssa: Do I smell cupcakes?
Wesker (looking nervous for the first time): No! Get out of my house!
Alyssa ignores him and walks into the kitchen, followed by David and SB. Meanwhile, SSW inches closer to Wesker. She inhales deeply.
SSW: You smell niiice...
Wesker, walking back: Get away from me, you--
Alyssa: Yoko! Cindy! And cupcakes!
George looks at SSW and Wesker curiously for a moment before heading into the kitchen. Wesker continues to back up with SSW following.
Cindy: --And the three of us we were making cupcakes together!
Alyssa, David, and SB look at Wesker with smirks on their faces.
SB: Making cupcakes with a couple of girls? I'm telling you: GAY.
SSW grabs the front of Wesker's, er... apron, and starts to shake him, shouting: NO! You can't be gay! Tell him you're straight, or bi at least!
Wesker is too dazed to speak, his brain bashing around his skull.
SSW: Answer, dammit!
SB: I don't think that's helping, Sylph...
SSW lets go of Wesker, and he falls to the floor, his eyes swirly (like in anime). She then walks towards SB, teeth bared.
SSW: And you! How dare you say such things about him!
SB: Uh, maybe you should try to wake Wesker up? I mean, now that you've finally actually met him--
SSW: Oh! Yeah, harming you can wait. (she sits next to Wesker and shakes him.) Wesker, my love! Wake up! I can't do anything with you while you're unconscious!
CJ: You can do quite a few things, actually... If you wanna be creepy...
Wesker, slowly coming around: Ugh... Wha...? (looks at SSW) Ah! (Quickly scoots back)
SSW: Aw, you're so coot...
Wesker: Stay away from me!
SB: Yeah, he's gay. He'd rather have some of this.
Wesker: I am NOT gay! I can explain the whole making-cupcakes-with-girls thing!
SB, raising an eyebrow: Yes?
Wesker: Well, uh... I'm high! Yes, that's it. I took some stuff, but I didn't read the labels, and now I hardly know what's going on.
Yoko: But Wesker, you told me that we were making these for a bake sale, to raise funds to help puppies that were born addicted to heroin... And that you've had a soft spot for puppies ever since your mom got you that puppy on your bir--
Wesker: (Turns red) Yoko, be quiet! I trusted you with my secret, dammit! Ugh, my image!
Yoko: Oh shoot, I forgot! Sorry Wesker!
SB: This HAS to be a dream! HUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wesker: -Sigh- It's too late now, I suppose. If you all agree to keep this under wraps, I will let you take shelter in my house.
SSW, hugging Wesker: Oh, thanks! I knew you'd come through for us!
Wesker: God, help me...
SSW, grinning devilishly: Sweetboxer; why don't you and the others go start the story while Weskie and I have some alone time...?
SB: But I wanna see this...
SSW: GOD DAMMIT, START THE STORY!
SB: -Grumble- Fine! C'mon, guys...
Wesker, reaching out: NO! TAKE ME WITH YOU!
SB: Heh, not a chance!
Chapter Twelve:
404 FILE NOT FOUND
CJ: What the hell?
SB: Oh shoot I forgot to upload the chapter from my PC before Sylph got us chased by zombies!
CJ: You do know she's gonna kill you now, right?
SSW: (Walks into room dragging a struggling Wesker by the arm. Odd. He should have the power to snap her in half easily. Oh well.) Sweetboxer? Why isn't the chapter starting!
SB: Um... (Looks at CJ)
CJ: Don't even bring me into this (Leaves the room)
SSW: Sweetboxer...?
SB: Well, I, uh... Ididn'tgetachancetouploadthechapterbeforeyougotuschasedbyzombies! (Pants)
SSW (takes a moment to comprehend the jumble of words): You WHAT? What're we going to do now?
Wesker: Well, you could let me go...
SSW: Shush, dear. Sweetboxer, I'm going to drag you down to Hell, rip your eyes out of your sockets, feed them to Cerberus, then leave you to be tormented for all of eternity.
SB: Now it's not that bad, really! We can just enjoy ourselves here until we rewrite the chapter! Please don't kill me!
SSW: If I killed you, I couldn't put you through any more pain... Anyway, fine. I'll give you another chance before I start inflicting pain.
Yoko: Yes, we could eat the extra cupcakes!
Alyssa: Yeah!
Wesker: But, those are for my mother...
SSW: What Weskie meant was that they're for us. Right, Weskie?
Wesker: Would you stop calling me that? It's so wrong!
SB: I agree.
SSW: Alright... Albert? Wesker? Al?
Wesker: Wesker, please.
SSW: Fine. Anyway, you're going to share your cupcakes, aren't you?
Wesker: I-- (stomach growls) Fine... But only one per person. One! (stomach growls again) Except for me; I get two.
To Be Continued...Hopefully with an actual chapter...
