Alfred seems to have something on his mind. He isnt watching the tv, but instead, staring blankly at it with a creased brow, shooting Mathew a sidelong look ever few minutes. Mathew gets the hint and turns off the movie.
"What is it Al?"
Alfred has obviously been waiting for this opening, and pounces on the chance.
"How's Arthur been recently?"
Alfred is worrying about Arthur again, and Mathew knows its partly because of this that Arthur can't let go. Still, Mathew can't expect Alfred to stop caring about Arthur just because Arthur is a mess. Mathew plasters on his gentle smile.
"He's the same as always."
Mathew's response is carefull. He isnt telling Alfred anything, but at the same time is answering the question. Mathew doesnt know what else he could say. It isnt like he can tell Alfred that Arthur is still pining after him, or that Arthur gets drunk and comes onto Mathew instead, thinking he's Alfred. He can't tell Alfred that Arthur's eyes still watch his back everytime he walks away, or that Arthur still gets sick on the anniversary of that day.
Alfred's forhead is creased again, and he gives Mathew a strange look.
"Nothing different happened?"
The way he says that makes Mathew wonder is something was supposed to happen. He quickly reveiws recent events, but nothing sticks out. He gives Alfred a bemused look as he shakes his head.
"No?"
Alfred sighs deeply, and mutters under his breath.
"So he didn't tell you."
Unfortunately for Alfred, even his quiet voice is quite loud, and Mathew hears this clearly. Mathew is bewildered. Tell him what? Mathew can only think of one thing that both Alfred and Arthur would want to tell him, and despite himself, his heart clenches. Mathew wants to be happy for Arthur, but something selfish inside is in pain, and its all Mathew can do to not let his small smile slip. Alfred is wearing a twisted and pained look Mathew has only seen once before.
Mathew hesitates instead of taking the torch Arthur is offering him.
"Arthur?"
There's an anger and pain in Arthur's eyes that terrifies Mathew, almost as much as what Arthur is asking him to do. His gaze wavers from the torch to the gas-soaked building. Arthur almost looks demented.
"He hurt you first." Arthur's words are rational, but his eyes are dangerous. "Don't you want to get him back?"
Mathew doesnt. He just wants this to be over, for Arthur and Alfred to stop walking all over him as they fight. He just wants Arthur's eyes to shine again, to hear his laughter and his gentle tone. Mathew hates the way Arthur speaks right now, just as much as he hates the pain in Arthur's eyes.
Arthur's eyes betray an uncertainty, a doubt in Mathew that has Mathew reaching for the torch in Arthur's hand. Mathew reminds himself that his job is to stand behind Arthur, to support him. Mathew is still hesitant, though. He isn't sure this is part of his job. He doesn't think he can hurt Alfred anymore. He's angry, of course, at how Alfred chose to walk all over him and treat him like dirt, but Alfred isnt the only doing that, and Mathew isnt the type to return pain with pain.
But more than that, Mathew is tired. He's tired of the fighting, of supporting Arthur, tired of seeing the pain in both Alfred's and Arthur's eyes. Mathew just wants it to be over. Wearily, he reaches for the torch. Before he can take it, he hears a strangled yell.
"No!"
Mathew doesn't even have to look to know that voice, but he does anyways, and Alfred is there, just a few feet away, face glistening with sweat. Mathew meets Alfred's eyes, and reads the pain in his face, and knows he cant do this. His hand drops to his side, and he knows that Arthur must be looking betrayed behinfld him, but he cant take his eyes away Alfred's pleading gaze. Behind him, he hears something burning, and the air gets warming with a crackling sound. Alfred's face is twisted in a pained way as he first looks at the building behind Mathew, then to Mathew himself, then to Arthur. Mathew feels a tear slip down his face.
"Mattie?"
Alfred is calling his name, and Mathew realizes he zoned out. Alfred's face is still twisted in that strange way, seemingly waiting for a response. Mathew flushes at being caught spacing out.
"Sorry?"
Its half an apology, half a request to repeat the statement, and Alfred's face twists more in a way that's very unlike him. His eyes seem to darken as Alfred repeats the question, unusually serious.
"Do you like Arthur?"
Mathew freezes. He wants to take the question at face value, to answer lightly, but Alfred is making a serious face that Mathew cant deny. At the same time, Mathew doesn't think he can answer. How can he tell Alfred the truth? He doesn't think its fair to Arthur if Mathew becomes the reason for Alfred to turn him down. Besides, what good will it do to answer this question?
Mathew's job is to stand behind Arthur, to support him. He's given up hoping for anything more, he knows he's nothing more than Alfred's substitute in Arthur's eyes. Still, Alfred is waiting for Mathew's answer, and Mathew can't maintain his forced smile anymore. His own face is twisting too, and he wonders if he looks like Alfred does right now. Alfred seems to already know the answer from Mathew's expression, Mathew knows Alfred well enough to tell, but Mathew still feels like he owes Alfred an answer. Still what he responds is not an answer, but a question of his own.
"How can I?"
He curls into himself, drawing his feet up onto the couch so his knees meet his chest, dipping his forehead to meet them. It's pitiful, Mathew knows, giving an answer without giving one, contradicting his own decision not to say. Mathew feels like trash. He knows what will make Arthur happy, he wants Arthur to be happy, so why is he getting in the way? Why cant he just support Arthur like he's promised too?
At the same time, there's a feeling of relief, a weight off his chest with this confession, and Mathew feels dirtier still upon realizing this. He wants to say the words, he wants Alfred to be on his side, and that leaves a feeling of complete disgust in his throat. Mathew thinks he just should have stayed quiet as he always has. Saying it out loud isnt helping solve any of his problems. It only makes them worse.
"Why can't you?"
Alfred's voice is a mixture of frustration and something bitter that Mathew can't place, but Mathew is too upset to care right now. Alfred isn't oblivious to Arthur's feelings, even though he likes to act like an idiot, Mathew knows his twin is actually quite perceptive, he just chooses not to read the atmosphere. Mathew is suddenly furious. How can Alfred say that when he knows the reason so well?
Mathew tries to swallow down his frustration, to put his practiced smile back on his face, but he cant seem to make its stay. He's tired of all this tiptoeing around, he's tired of holding back his feelings, of being considerate of Alfred and Arthur. Now, suddenly, Alfred is trampling over his feelings with his fake cluelessness, and making Mathew say things he doesnt want to say, things he wont let himself say.
Mathew decides to let himself snap, just a little bit. He mumbles the words into his sleeve.
"You know why."
The reponse comes in a low, stern tone, both demanding and undeniable.
"Mathew."
All Alfred says is the single word, but it communicates his request, and almost subconsciously Mathew responds, raising his head to see Alfred's face. Alfred's expression is stern and frustrated as he studies Mathew's face, and Mathew wonders what expression he's making. Whatever his twin sees quickly turns Alfred's already frustrated expression into exasperation and he shakes his head before speaking.
"I wasn't going to say this, because I didn't think its my place, but the two of you are so stupid and Im tired of being caught in the middle."
Being caught in the middle? Mathew's temper flares again. Alfred knows nothing about being caught in the middle. He doesn't have any idea what Mathew's gone through because of Alfred and Arthur. The only thing that stops Mathew from lashing out at Alfred is the knowledge that Mathew's suffering was mostly his own making, that Mathew had chosen to get involved in order to support Arthur. Still Mathew feels like something is grinding inside at those words. Alfred chooses to ignore this, and his next words are shocking.
"You know that Arthur is in love with you, right?"
Mathew's feelings expand to the point where he feels he might explode, but he calms himself down as he realises what's going on. Alfred, though perceptive, is naiive. Mathew knows that Alfred doesnt know what he's talking about. Clearly Alfred has misread the situation, came to the mistaken idea that Arthur is in love with Mathew, not him. Or maybe Alfred chooses to believe that so he doesn't have to face unwelcome feelings.
Mathew's always been quiet, not the type to explode in anger like Alfred or Arthur. His is a quiet anger, more malicious than loud, and Mathew unleashes it now. Its not fair for Alfred to force Mathew to admit his feeling while ignoring his own. Its not fair for Alfred to play the victim card when Mathew suffered just as much. Its not fair. But neither is Mathew.
He can't claim there's good intentions in his response. All Mathew wants is to throw Alfred into turmoil too.
"Arthur can't be in love with me."
Alfred hasn't figured out what is going on yet, but Mathew can tell by his expression that he can sense something else in Mathew's sulky tone. Alfred's tone is cautious as he responds.
"Why not?"
Mathew tucks his face back into his knees and sheilds it with his arms as he answers. He doesn't want Alfred to see his expression right now. He doesn't want Alfred to know how pathetic and greedy and nasty Mathew is. Still, Mathew can't keep the bitterness out of his tone when he speaks.
"Because I'm not you."
