"I'm sorry."
It's the only thing Mathew can say. It's not enough. "Sorry" doesn't fix anything. Alfred's shoulders are still bowed, his face still looks moments from tears. Even though Mathew understands the truth, it doesn't undo what Matthew's done to Alfred, or give them back all those years they should have spent together. "Sorry" won't fix their relationship. Mathew isn't sure what will.
It's Alfred who makes the suggestion, rather timidly, flicking his eyes up to check Matthew's expression from underneath his lashes, then flicking back to his socks again, still picking nervously.
"Then, can I have my brother back?"
It's a heartbreaking question, and Mathew feels crushed under its weight. He shouldn't have made it so Alfred has to ask that. He shouldn't have to think about the answer. But there's a part of Mathew that still wants to ask "Me?" incredulously. Even though he's been told that Alfred's not the person he wants to pretend Alfred is, even though he knows it's right, it's hard for Mathew to accept it. Years of belief won't vanish with just a simple phrase, and Mathew still feels like he's not good enough, that he doesn't deserve it.
He wonders if Alfred feels the same. He remembers Alfred's face when Mathew refused to go with him and Arthur, Alfred's face when he saw Mathew had sided with Arthur and tried to bring him back, Alfred's face when he realized Mathew had betrayed him. Mathew can think of a hundred times Alfred's made the same face, and there's a sinking feeling in his chest as he realizes why.
"Hey Mattie!"
Alfred waves Mathew down before his twin can escape the room unnoticed, despite Matthew's best efforts. Mathew represses the urge to pretend he hadn't heard and slip away, and instead reluctantly turns towards Alfred. Alfred's beam is so large he's practically radiating happiness, but Mathew finds the blinding beam too much.
"Mattie!" Alfred stars excitedly, "I was thinking we should go get drinks and hang out!"
Mathew really doesn't want to. He's had a hard day, and he doesn't think he can handle having to sit next to someone as perfect as Alfred and listen to his brother complain about his perfect life and many friends over a drink. Just the thought is exhausting.
"Sorry," Mathew only partly lies, already deciding to make plans to back up his cover, "But I already made plans to go with Arthur tonight."
There's no reason Alfred couldn't come too, but Mathew doesn't offer that option, and surprisingly, Alfred doesn't try to ask.
"What about tomorrow?"
He asks instead, and Mathew quickly makes plans for that day too. Anyone else is better than Alfred. Anyone other than the Golden child.
"Sorry," Mathew gives Alfred a fake sympathetic smile, "I'm hanging out with a friend tomorrow. I'm busy the day after too. Maybe next week?"
Alfred's face falls for a moment, like he's genuinely disappointed, but Mathew knows he'll get over it quickly. Alfred has a ton of friends he can hang out with, Matthew's only a passing thought while his brother is bored. Matthew's confident that it's better this way, Alfred will be more happy with a friend than his boring twin anyways.
Mathew pretends he doesn't hear when Alfred mutter dejectedly under his breath, "You said that last week though."
Mathew feels like his heart has settled into his stomach as he remembers. He's realizing something he really doesn't like the reality of. Matthew's always been jealous of Alfred, always thought he was second to Alfred in Arthur's eyes. Now Mathew is beginning to wonder if Alfred feels second to Arthur in Matthew's eyes. Worse, Mathew has a sinking feeling that he really has been putting Arthur first.
Mathew can't even swallow past the lump that's growing in his throat, but he's been quiet all too long, he's been quiet when he should have answered instantly, and Mathew sees how hopeless Alfred looks for the first time. No, it's not the first time at all. How many times has Mathew seen Alfred make the same face in his direction? How many times has Alfred already given up before he'd even asked, knowing that Mathew would reject him?
Matthew's afraid of what the answer is. He's certain its more than he thinks. He opens his mouth to answer Alfred, but the only thing that comes out is a choked sob. It's not fair to Alfred, it's not right for Mathew to be the one crying, he doesn't deserve it, but the sobs won't stop once they start, and the tears start rolling down his cheeks, hot and itchy, and Mathew tries desperately to stem the flow of the tears.
He can't even see Alfred's face through his blurry eyes, but he thinks he knows what expression Alfred's making. Alfred moves, and this time it's Mathew who grabs his twin's arm to stop him from leaving. Alfred waits, and it takes Mathew a few minutes to choke down the tears and compose himself enough to speak. He doesn't try to sugarcoat his words, or bend them to make Alfred feel better. Mathew, for the first time in a long time, is seeing Alfred clearly, and he wants Alfred to know the truth.
"You were always too good for me."
Mathew begins, and Alfred's arm jerks in his grasp, but he only tightens his grip and doesn't let go.
"I used to look up to you, I thought you were amazing. But then I got jealous, and the more I looked up to you the more I realized I wasn't like you at all. The more I realized that the more I hated being near you. I felt like everyone was always comparing us, and I never felt good enough. So I started to avoid you."
Alfred is stiff as a board, and Mathew knows he doesn't want to hear Matthew's cheap excuses. Mathew says them anyways.
"I was happy when you left. I was happy for you, because I wanted you to be free, I wanted you to be happy, and I knew you weren't happy by Arthur's side."
Mathew thinks he hears a noise around the corner and wonders if Francis didn't ever leave, if he's listening in. Perhaps he's judging Mathew for how terrible he is as a person. Perhaps he knew Mathew was like this from the beginning, and that's why he didn't want to stay with Mathew. But Alfred's still not moving, not interupting, even though Matthew's sure he doesn't want to hear this, Alfred's still listening, so Mathew talks.
"But I was also happy for me. I was selfish, I thought I'd feel better if I wasn't always around you, that maybe It wasn't that I was lacking, but you're just too good. And I thought... I thought I could finally have Arthur all to myself. I thought for once he'd only look at me. "
Matthew's grip tightens subconsciously on Alfred's arm, and Alfred hisses in pain, and Mathew quickly releases his brother, feeling more ashamed by the second. How much longer is he going to hurt Alfred? He finishes his story quickly.
"Then Arthur went after you, and I realized I couldn't make Arthur happy. I realized I could never be as good as you. So I stupidly decided to resent you. I blamed you, even though I knew you didn't want this either. I blamed myself, and Francis-"
There's another sound from the doorway, and Matthew's certain Francis is listening in, but he's too far gone to care.
" - I blamed anyone I could, everyone. Just not Arthur. Because... "
Mathew can't finish his sentence. He's not even sure he wants to anymore. Alfred's no longer in his grip, his brother can leave if he wants, Alfred doesn't have to listen to Mathew's nonsense anymore. Mathew knows he wouldn't if he was in Alfred's place, and he waits for Alfred to stalk off. Instead, Alfred finishes Mathew's sentence.
"Because if it's just that Arthur doesn't see anything in you, then there's nothing you can do."
Alfred's voice is full of tears too, and once again, Mathew is struck with the fact that even now, he doesn't understand Alfred at all.
