So, chapter five!
I was so thrilled to receive as much feedback as I did last chapter. The response, as messed up as it was, was what I was aiming for. If you guys didn't feel at least a little disturbed, I wouldn't be doing my job right. I understand, we're all hating on Alucard at the moment, but I hope you'll forgive him this chapter.
He's a dick, but he's ourdick.
Just a heads up, trying to make Alucard remorseful was incredibly difficult, and I am so very sorry if it seems horribly out of character. Forgive me?
Anyway! Enjoy, and leave a review, my lovelies.
Forgive Me
"Miss Victoria?"
Walter's voice inside the room was muffled, his knuckles tapping lightly on the heavy wooden door.
She didn't answer.
Moments of silence passed before she could hear Walter's footsteps fading as he left his post outside her door, leaving her to another few hours of solitude.
Seras wasn't quite so sure how much time had passed. It could have been hours, it could have been days. She had taken a seat in the middle of her bed, and had not moved since her encounter with Alucard.
The beast she called her Master.
She'd had a lot of time to think over the events that had happened some while ago. Not long after he'd left, Walter had come to check on her. Seras hadn't spoken a word as he went about removing the corpse and cleaning up after Alucard. And yet, the stench of old blood filled the air, overpowering any other smells there might have been.
Even now, the scent was there. Of both him and the blood he'd spilled from not one body, but two.
Seras had shed a lake of tears in the time that had passed, her emotions filling her like a tidal wave. Sadness, anger, pity, self-loathing. They'd crashed against her, running rampant through her all at once, wreaking havoc in her mind. It was an appropriate response, there was no doubt there. How else was she meant to feel?
But now she was simply numb.
She felt nothing, an emptiness eating away at her. Perhaps that was for the best. Perhaps that was what she needed. The nothingness she felt was an improvement over her emotional turmoil.
How could he do that to me?
The thought was one she'd had since she'd been left by him. She had asked herself countless times, and yet there was no answer to be found. She couldn't fathom why he'd do such a thing, why he'd treat her in such a way. He was all she had in this life, and he'd essentially cast her out.
"We'll talk tomorrow."
But where was he? She was sure he'd be back, but he hadn't shown his face since. His presence, she couldn't even feel it.
Even now, even with all he'd done, she missed him. She craved him. A part of her hated how badly she needed to see him, but she was so naive. He was her world, he was the reason for her continued life. Without him, she was nothing. She would be nothing.
What was wrong with her?
Her thoughts were askew, nothing made sense to her in that moment. She couldn't think with clarity. She needed answers.
-oOo-
Alucard stood at the door of his mate's chambers, his hand wavering above the handle.
He could feel her inside, but something wasn't quite right.
Seras projected an aura like no other, its essence full of life and light. It was a bright thing, much like her, pulsing with the energy of a child's carefree heart. In colours, it was golden, a shade lighter than her hair, dancing around her in silken tendrils. It caused her pale skin to glow, her eyes to shimmer like an ocean's surface. It was such an innocent thing, its beauty so simple.
But he couldn't see it.
There was no life on the other side of the door; a body, but no energy.
That's your fault.
The voice was cutting in his brain, so full of accusation and blame. The force of hatred behind it was so overwhelming, bringing with it a wave of nausea.
It was right.
He was no human. His emotions differed from the things he sought to live off of, his human side long drowned by the monster he truly was. He had to become this thing of rage to survive, he had to cast away the life he once new in order to elate to something else, something otherworldly. He was a war laying in wait.
And yet, in this moment of uncertainty, he'd never felt so lost, so tormented by these old feelings he once knew so well.
Two days and nights had passed since he'd punished Seras with such brutality, and every waking moment since then, he was haunted by his own self. In moments of silence, he would hear the wails of complete terror his Draculina had cried, see the way her eyes filled with horror and tears of desperation.
A shudder passed through him.
What were these feelings? Why did he regret his actions so deeply?
He didn't love her. He had told himself countless times he would not love her. Love equated to complications, it disagreed with everything he believed and experienced. Seras deserved to be loved, he knew that much, but he would not do it. He would not be the one to destroy her like that.
So why was he lost in the throes of self-pity because of the pain he'd caused her when so wrapped up in his own rage?
He was so painfully aware she painted him in a rose-coloured light, she was so horrifically devoted to him. Despite the way he treated her, she would follow him to the ends of the earth. And what did he give her in return? Pain, both mental and physical. He abused her trust in him, her loyalty to him.
He was so warped into believing his claim on her was a gift of sorts, his continuous domination was the affection she craved from him.
Alucard was wrong. So, so wrong.
And yet he couldn't bring himself to show his fondness of her in any other way. Opening her eyes to a gentle side of him was a mistake, it would show her that he cared for her in a way that meant he'd never lay a finger with the intent of inflicting pain on her again. His immense need to sate his sadistic ways couldn't make that promise.
But now, in her hour of need, is that something he'd have to abolish? Would he have to make that claim? Promise to her he would love her?
It would have been easier to walk away.
Alucard was good at disappearing when he wanted, leaving no trace behind. Seras hadn't even drank yet, her powers were yet to be discovered. If she wanted to find him in this state, she never would. He had the option to leave.
But something inside of him, some part of him he was sure had died long ago, resisted.
He stood there for a moment longer, frozen, unsure of what to do. He knew he had to go in there, try to coax some life from his mate, make her feel as though she wasn't alone in this new life he had thrown her into.
Go.
Alucard's hand clasped the door handle, and he opened it, slowly pushing in. The hinges creaked and he looked inside, finding his darling Draculina sitting upright on her bed, staring blankly through the open balcony doors. She wasn't phased by the sound.
Immediately his nose was assaulted with an array of different scents. The most prominent there was the putrid smell of old, dry blood. Its coppery scent hung in the air, still and settled. But laced through it, a bare hint, was his Draculina's blood, the scent of it sweet among the foul smell of decayed human blood.
That alone was enough to send a shiver through him.
He closed the door behind him, almost tempted to turn on his heel and retreat into the shadows to avoid her for as long as he possibly could. No. He had to do this. He stepped into the room, halting just before her bed.
Seras was sitting in such a way that he could see her face in profile, but she made no effort to acknowledge him. She was so lifeless among the darkness, her eyes void of emotion, her skin pasty and without even feeling it, he knew it was cold. Speckled in her hair as well as over her naked form was crusting, dried blood, and he was so thankful she was sitting.
He was spared the haunting view of her marred, branded ass.
Alucard's eyes ghosted over the beautiful features of her face, seeing how blank she was. She wasn't... Seras. She was an empty shell, the life of the girl he cared so deeply for banished.
This is your fault.
There was that same sentence, its intensity more vicious now, but it wasn't the inner voice he was used to hearing. The words were spoken in a voice he could only recognize as hers, as though she was telling him this with her eerie silence. She blamed him. She hated him.
No.
If she hated him, she would have reacted in some way, be it anger, tears, screaming. She would have done something. Instead, she was completely detached.
He had broken her.
Something inside of him wailed, a dizzying blur befalling his vision as he stood there, his mouth dry and his throat hot. He'd done what he had sought to do from the start.
But this is not what he wanted.
This was not how he'd planned to do it, his intention hadn't been to disconnect her from her emotions. And yet, there she sat, feeling absolutely nothing.
Moments of silence passed before he thought to speak.
"Did you rest?"
He couldn't think to ask anything else. He knew the answer before he'd even asked it. He knew, deep in himself, that when he'd left she had placed herself on that bed and hadn't moved since. Hadn't showered, eaten, slept. Just sat there, torturing herself with this idea she was nothing, a mere body to be used by him, time and time again, for whatever he wanted.
"Why do you care?" she shot back, but there was no power behind her words. It was as though she was genuinely puzzled by his question, confused by the care he'd asked with. The question had posed the thought that he was concerned, and in her broken, lifeless state, she couldn't comprehend why.
For once in his life, he couldn't respond immediately.
"Shall I assume that means no, then?" he said, his tone coming across more irritated than he'd meant.
He instantaneously chastised himself for it, knowing she was a delicate thing, and now was not the time to assert his dominance. Now was the time to be attentive to her needs, and he would ruin that if he continued to lose patience.
She didn't answer.
Of course she didn't. He couldn't expect her to.
Alucard proceeded to brace himself, and took a step towards her, his hand held out in attempt to lay it to rest against her cheek.
She flinched.
Time froze between them, the moment paused as they absorbed what had just happened.
Alucard stood still, as though death had come to claim him then and there. Seras hadn't turned to look, but her body was trembling, something that would have gone unnoticed to an ignorant eye. She had jerked herself away from him, a fear set so deep inside of her of his touch. She was terrified of him, and he felt something inside of him shatter.
He'd set out from the start to instill some sort of fear in her, in moments when lust and pain were not so different, he wanted her to fear the things he could do to her.
But his touch. She feared his touch.
What had he done?
His hand fell to his side and he glowered down at her still form, watching for something, anything to prove to him she was not lost for good. Aside from the tremors shaking her body, there was nothing. Her face remained the same blank slate.
"Seras," Alucard said, his tone brittle, "I don't mean to harm you."
And then he saw as something inside of her snapped.
Seras' head whipped around to look at him, her face contorted into something monstrous, something so filled with fury and agony that he was taken aback. Her eyes flamed red, a bloody fire blazing in her usual blue depths, and she stood on the bed, turning her back to him.
She stared over her shoulder at him, and something about the anger she radiated made him look.
On her ass, there was his mark. The edges of the wounds were jagged, the letters so deeply engraved into her skin, the darkness of the cuts showing to him again how he'd so carelessly branded her. The marks were angry, still glazed with blood that hadn't yet dried, and she let out a breath, dragging his eyes back to hers.
"You don't mean to harm me."
Her words were like razors, so deeply painful. Her tone was mocking.
"You've done nothing but harm me," she snapped, turning to face him, so unashamed of her nude, pale body. "You have bitten me, you have torn at me, you have hit me, you've done nothing except cause me to hurt. Don't you even dare try to tell me you mean me no harm, because we both know that is a lie."
She made a point of stepping off of the bed, standing right before him, her body so close to his yet he'd never felt so distant.
"I'm not a toy, I'm not a doll, I'm a person!" she cried, her tone less poisonous now.
Alucard watched her.
She wasn't broken. She was so innocently confused by how to react. He had failed to realize she had spent forty eight hours alone, in silence, accompanied by nothing but her thoughts. Without even realizing, she had probably disconnected from herself in an attempt to fix her broken spirit. He had left her with nothing but pain, her crumbling mentality had been his fault.
But she was not broken. She was fueled by everything she had wanted to say to him now, her anger reigning, leading her emotions. She was distraught, understandably so, and he could see just how heartbroken she was as she stood mere inches from him, her eyes welling with tears of shame and fury.
"To me, you are a savior, but you treat me as though I'm worthless! Everything you said to me in the woods, it means nothing now!" she sobbed, her breaths coming in quick, shallow huffs.
She slammed her open palms against his chest, but even with all her might, she could not sway him. But he knew that didn't matter, she just wanted to hurt him.
Little did she know, as she spoke, she was paining him like no bullet ever could.
"Had I known this was my eternity, I would have slit my throat that first night!" she screamed, her hands slamming against him again, harder now, her voice so broken and full of frustration. She was crying uncontrollably, heartwrenching sobs causing her whole form to shake miserably as she vented her feelings.
Her anger had so quickly diminished, and now, for the first time, he truly saw her as a child. He saw her as the child she was and always had been.
Her face was wet with her tears, her golden locks matted and tangled, her mouth open in cries of pure agony. She was the very embodiment of innocence, too pure for the things he'd forced her to partake in. And as she stood before him, a mess of internal turmoil, he felt the overwhelming need to comfort her.
Without thinking, his arms wrapped around her, pulling her to his chest. She didn't resist, collapsing against him as her hands balled in his coat, her tears soaking through his shirt. He held her as she cried, her agony washing over him in guilty waves, his arms encircled around this precious, frail being.
"Forgive me."
The words felt foreign in his mouth, as though he was learning to say them for the very first time in his life. He hadn't meant to say such a thing, but he had spoken without thinking. His inner self knew it was the correct thing to say, and his heart knew he meant it. But what was he sacrificing in saying it, what was he giving up by holding her like a lover?
Seras was quiet then, her hiccups the only sound she made for several moments. It felt like an eternity was passing them by, as though time was stilled but moving so quickly all at once. Would he be forgiven so easily? He didn't know.
"I didn't ask for this," his Draculina finally said, her voice so tiny and confused. "I didn't ask for any of this."
He breathed onto her hair, closing her eyes. Neither of them pulled away, the atmosphere around them softening slightly.
"You didn't."
His words were gentle, loving even.
"But this is the life you will live. For years to come, this is all you will ever know. Me, a monster. You will be by my side at every waking moment, subject to my twisted sense of reality. You are of my blood, you will answer my every beckon. The bond of us, it will haunt you. You will know nothing but the terrifying love you have for me, as well as the burning hatred you will inevitably feel."
Alucard's tone was cold, bitter, his words revealing to her the truth of what she was feeling.
"A Queen who would bow to her King."
The words were unspoken, but they were there, both of them hearing his haunting voice in the brief silence.
"But stand against him when she saw fit."
Alucard breathed another sigh, feeling obligated to continue for the sake of her sanity. "Time and time again, I will break you. Over and over, you will be beaten down by the very essence of my being. My sadist will seek your masochist, and the pain we will feel will bring us pleasure we've never known. But you, my Draculina, will always bear the burden of that."
He felt her stir in his arms then, and leaned back to look down upon her, finding her wide-eyed and curious. Her beauty startled him, the innocence of her very self. He gazed down at her, waiting for her to speak, to say something.
"Is that why...?" her voice trailed off into silence, and he knew what she was asking. He shuddered inwardly, feeling the ghost of his nails inside of her skin.
"Yes. My obsessive claim over you brings me a rage like nothing else," he said, his voice quiet. "Before I realized what I had done, it was over. I had marked you. I cannot take it back, but I can apologize."
Never before had he felt the urge to say sorry for something, but the way she was, the very thing she was, she had dragged the words from his mouth without even meaning to.
He watched her reaction with a hunger, watching carefully as she nodded her head slightly, her eyes staring directly ahead at his chest.
"You, a monster in the form of innocence, who drew me in. Flirted with the idea of a child-like wonder. You made me crave the essence of who you are," he told her firmly, "and for the abuse you receive for that, I am sorry."
She was silent.
Never before had he seen her so deep in thought.
She looked up at him, and all over again, he was lost in the beautiful depths of her wide blue eyes. This is what it felt to care for something other than his survival, and some part of him hated it. But another part craved it, needed it.
Seras rose her hands to his face, drawing his gaze to meet hers, and they were locked in each others' eyes for a time he didn't really want to end.
"Then, for just once," she began, her voice so small and soft, reflecting her true self, "show me what it's like to be truly loved by you."
Alucard stilled, barely able to feel the proximity of her body, unable to make sense of the gentle touch of her hands. That was what she wanted? She didn't want to run as far away as she could from him? She wanted to feel closer to him? To this beast that has caused her to feel so awful in herself?
The No-Life King very nearly said no.
It was what needed to be said. He needed to resist that urge, he needed to promise himself that he would show her no illusion of a feeling he couldn't ever commit to. But a small part of him knew that he couldn't keep up that facade forever. Eventually, he would love her, he would love every inch of her.
But now was not that time.
"Alucard, my Master. Please. I need to know what it's like."
And so he kissed her.
His lips met hers with a gentle urgency she had never felt from him before, and his arms tightened around her, a feeling of protectiveness washing over them. Her lips were so soft against his, and he pried her mouth open with his tongue, allowing it to carefully dance over her lower lip.
She let out a moan, a soft sound that matched the euphoric feeling that grew like wildfire between them.
He felt still that primal, animalistic lust to just throw her down and fuck her raw, but it was drowned out by the tentativeness of her body succumbing to his lips. Her tongue gently stroked against his, a warmth growing beneath his skin. Their mouths moved in sync, and his hands lay flat against her lower back, holding her to him as though she'd break if he held her too tightly.
The kiss seemed to last a lifetime, neither of them wanting it to end. He made to bite down on her lower lip, a teasing move as he gently tugged on it before returning his lips fully to hers, causing a dreamy sigh to make its way into his mouth from hers.
And it was that sigh that shifted something inside of him.
Alucard then felt the overwhelming urge to move his mouth to her throat, to bite down and taste her red, to pull her onto him, to make her ride him until she was lost in the bindings of pleasure. Until she was screaming in pure, raw ecstasy.
But he pulled away.
His lips left hers and he let out a broken breath of air, tilting his face up towards the ceiling. He felt her confusion but he couldn't look at her, he wouldn't. She wanted something sweet. To be loved. What he wanted to do to her... she'd never forgive him.
But again, her hand found his cheek and her skin was hot.
He glanced down, so desperate to control his urge. The expression on her face caused him to groan aloud.
"If that's what your love is," she said, her voice husky with wanton need, as though she knew what he was thinking, "if it's to violate me like so many times before, then I want it. I want to be loved. If that's what it's like, then I want it. Please, Master."
Alucard closed his eyes.
"Alright, my Draculina."
-oOo-
I'm not one to end things with a cliffhanger, but I feel this chapter was a bit more intense in the feelings department. To end it with sex seemed a bit too much. Don't worry, though, that's coming! Also yes, this update was so quick. Even I'm surprised! And yes, it's a little shorter than usual. Sorry!
Again, I apologize if any of you feel this was very OoC for Alucard, but I feel this was the best way to go with it. I hope you enjoyed, and as always, reviews are so greatly appreciated. Until chapter six, my friends!
