"And we're coming to you live here on Bear River for the First Annual Christmas Eve hockey game," the announcer in the loud checkered tuxedo said over his microphone to a non-existent over-the-air audience, "I'm Lewis Kazagger with Luis Rodriguez on color commentary, and right now we've got an exciting match up here, right Luis?"
"You've got that right Lewis," Luis agreed, "So far after two periods we're still scoreless, and time's now running out for anyone who wants to win. But of course, winning isn't everything, as it's the thrill of playing along that makes…"
"Hold that thought, Luis, right now we've got the blue team on a fast break into the red team's neutral zone;" Lewis cut him off, "And Herry's got a clear shot on goal now and…whoops, he's upended from behind by Boppity, that'll be another face-off."
A low howl came from the multitude of viewers watching the game around the river—including the myriad of forest animals that had gathered along the fringes to watch—at this latest foul. Kermit, in fact, felt the need to storm down to the red team's bench. "What do you guys think you're doing?" he demanded at them, "We are not playing this game to win. You're all acting like monsters making fouls like that."
"Right on, frog," Gloat and his teammates on the bench, all of them monsters, chuckled. Kermit shook his head. "I knew we should have drawn these teams up differently," he said to himself as he trudged back to his seat.
On the ice, Gorgon Heap took a pass from Boppity and skated full steam into the blue team's zone—only to be promptly intercepted by Emmett. The otter slalomed around red team defenders toward the neutral zone. "Catch Mr. Sinclair!" he shouted, passing the puck high in the air at Earl, who whacked it toward the red team's goal with his tail. Unfortunately it sailed right into Mean Mama's glove. Laughing, the monster tossed it back up the ice to Frazzle, who only got to the center line before having to slide to a stop. For Pepe was running across the middle of the river screaming at the top of his lungs, the Swedish Chef still right behind him with the meat cleaver. Everyone on the ice stopped and observed this strange event unfold. "Well, this is strange, Luis, it appears we've all but forgotten about the game here," Kazagger told his associate.
"Well it's not everyday you would see a shrimp chased by a chef across a river," Luis rationalized, "Although on Sesame Street I suppose the probability would have…"
"I am NOT a shrimp, OK?" Pepe screamed back at them, "For the last time, I'm a king prawn, OK?"
"Back to the game, folks!" Kazagger called over the air to the players, who immediately went back to work at the game. "And with just two minutes to go, we're going to need something drastic to break a scoreless tie," he went on.
Down on the ice, Alan could agree with that sentiment. Almost fifty minutes of hard play was clearly wearing everyone down, himself included, and the fact the red team kept cheating was making the game less enjoyable. But for him, being able to play like this again brought back many good memories from when he was younger. And best yet, he could tell Zachary, who had played some hockey with his friends before they'd moved away, was starting to enjoy himself for once, even though he'd been loathe to admit it out loud during team huddles.
The puck came sliding his way unexpectedly. He pulled it in and jerked it aside so that Behemoth, who was lunging toward him, missed his intended check. "Zack, catch," he called out, shooting the puck back to his son. Zachary caught it and fired it across the ice to Masterson the rat—who was leveled flat by the puck. "Oops," the boy gulped, skating over and helping the rat up, "Guess I should have sent it through the air first in your case."
"No problem," Masterson took deep, calming breaths to keep from hyperventilating, "I suppose it would have been worse if it came down on top of me."
"Back on defense, quick!" came frantic calls from the blue team's cheering section as three monsters on the red team were now bearing down right on the blue's goal. Fortunately for their case, the whistle blew just as Beautiful Day was winding up to take a shot. "That's icing on the red team," announced Gordon, who had volunteered to officiate.
"ICING?" Beautiful Day roared in his face, "I'll show you icing!" He grabbed some loose ice chunks from the river and tossed them up in Gordon's face. Gordon calmly blew the whistled again. "Five minutes for unsportsmanlike conduct on number seven red." he proclaimed, escorting a frustrated Beautiful Day to the penalty box.
"And so now with just over a minute to play, the blue team has a one man advantage," Kazagger announced to his non-existent listeners, "But can they crack a defense that's allowed only two shots on goal all day? Can they even get a shot off before time runs out? Can they take a…?"
"And in the meantime, the blue team moves up the ice," Luis got back on track with the commentary before Kazagger could completely get carried away, "Sal the monkey takes the puck, leaps into the air over the defender, passes it to Mr. Reiser, he's got a chance, one man to get by…oh, too bad, he just got clotheslined."
"Will you stop that!" Alan yelled at Boppity and Gorgon Heap, who'd unexpectedly come up from behind and wrapped a clothesline around him. They then skated off to each end of the river and attached the line to trees, while Gloat completed the insult by hanging laundry on the line. Alan squirmed to get loose, but he knew it would take some time. Time they no longer had. "And with thirty seconds to go, the blue team's advantage is out of their hands for now," Kazagger was saying, "Grover takes the puck now, breaks through the defense, passes it to Forgetful Jones…who just stands there! What is he doing?"
"Aw shucks!" Forgetful Jones lamented loud enough for everyone around to hear, "I forget what to do with the black thing!"
"SHOOT AT THE NET!" everyone around screamed at him, "AND WATCH OUT!"
The warning came a split second too late, as a steamroller driven by Frazzle flattened Forgetful. "I thought I've seen everything, folks," Kazagger commented as the steamroller moved away, revealing a very long and very flat Forgetful lying on the ice, "But now the red team has made it clear they're bent on flattening their opponents by any means necessary. Wait, wait just a minute folks, the puck's loose with eight seconds to go, it's drifting in Mr. Reiser's direction…"
Alan wasn't completely loose of the clothesline yet, but he could still do what he had in mind. Inching his stick out as far as it would go, he trapped the puck. "Zack!" he yelled out, "All yours!" He fired the puck up the ice as hard as he could. Zachary burst from the pack at full steam and took control. He was wide open as he skated hard towards the red net…
And was abruptly tripped up as a long thin object wrapped around his leg and pulled him down. Gordon's whistle sound again over the river as the clock expired. "That's tripping on the red team!" he demanded, pointing an accusing finger at Big V, whose tongue hung guiltily out, "Free shot on goal for the blue team!"
"And so it all comes down to this," Kazagger announced breathlessly, "Can Zachary Reiser get the puck by the unstoppable Mean Mama and win the title? Can he show that he's got the heart of a champion? Can…?"
"Can you please get a grip, Lewis?" Luis scolded him, "Like Kermit said, it's only an amateur game. We're not playing this for any championship."
Back on the ice, Alan finally wrenched himself loose of the clothesline and ran over to help his son up. "You OK?" he asked him.
"I think so," Zachary shook himself off. Gordon placed the puck on the painted line right in front of him. "Whenever you're ready, go ahead," he told him.
Zachary took a deep breath and stared at the net, where Mean Mama was hunkered down with a determined expression. "I'm not sure…" he started to say softly.
"Hey, if you make it, you make it, and if you don't, you don't,' his father reassured him, "Either way I'm proud of you. You've done great so far in this game."
"Mr. Reiser, I'm afraid you'll have to step back now," Gordon informed him, "We can't have coaching."
"Right," Alan skated away. He watched with his fingers crossed as Zachary took several more deep breaths and skated toward the puck—having the stop briefly as the Chef once again came chasing Pepe across the ice in front of him—then took the puck and took an unexpected immediate shot at the net. Mean Mama dove toward it…
"IT GOES IN! IT GOES IN!" Kazagger shrieked loudly as if he was being attacked by fire ants, "I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE, THE MOST ASTOUNDING, THE CRAZIEST FINISH I EVER—DO YOU ALL BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES, YES, YES! RESIER DID IT! EVERYTHING IS GOOD IN THE WORLD TONIGHT!"
"Yeah, was there ever any real doubt that it would end like this?" Waldorf remarked from his seat next to the announcers.
"None at all," Statler agreed, "Every single sports story ends with something exactly like this."
"All that's missing is the screen for all this to be on and an excessive admission charge for us to watch it," Waldorf added.
"Will you guys tone down the sarcasm for once," Kermit upbraided them, "The poor kid hasn't had a reason to be happy in a long time. Don't spoil it for him."
The frog skipped down onto the ice, where everyone who had been watching were now hoisting Zachary up into the air for a victory lap around the ice. Kermit pushed his way gently through the crowd toward him. "Good shooting there, Zack," he congratulated him, "Feels good, doesn't it?"
"You bet, Kermit," Zachary was now smiling warmly for once, "I think I'm glad we got stuck here."
A still hyper Kazagger jumped through the excited throngs. "Zachary Reiser, you've just won the big game," he shouted like the world was ending, "Now what are you going to do to cash in on your new-found fame?"
"We're going to Disney World!" Fozzie yelled in delight before Zachary could answer, "When you wish upon a star, makes no…"
"Fozzie, please, no product placements," Kermit told his friend, "This is fan fiction."
"Well it was just a thought," Fozzie shrugged, "Anyway, let's celebrate!"
The victory procession moved triumphantly up the ice. Almost unnoticed by everyone, Alan skated happily along behind it. He was thrilled that his son had done so well. It had been so long since he'd been this happy…
"Aren't we going to congratulate him too?" Christine skated up to him, followed by a thrilled Thog, whom she'd been skating with while the game was in progress.
"Oh, I think we'll let Zachary have some time to enjoy the moment before we do that," her father told her, "After all, he's had us around to tell him how good he does all the time, but how often has he been able to have someone else tell him that lately?"
"Not much," she agreed, "I'm glad for him too."
"Well, it's really been a good evening so far," Bob remarked about a half hour later back inside the farmhouse. After the thrill of the hockey game, most of the guests were now milling about waiting for promised carol singing to start, "You were right, Big Bird, this is a good change from Christmas in the city."
"Yeah, it's almost perfect," Big Bird said dreamily, "The only thing that would make it better was if Mr. Looper were here to celebrate with us."
"HOOPER!" everyone within earshot corrected him. "He's right, though," Susan agreed, "Mr. Hooper always livened up the holidays. Plus, I doubt I would know anything about Hanukah if I hadn't met him."
"Yes, I knew Harold Hooper very well myself," Doc remarked, lighting the menorah and Advent wreath set up on the coffee table, "We were in the same home room every year until he dropped out of school in tenth grade after his father died. It was sad to see him go, but he had three sisters to support. Anyway, he would take flack from some of the bullies for celebrating Hanukah sometimes, but I always stood by him; after all, without Hanukah in the first place there would have been no Christmas. There were some times Sprocket and I would come into his store during December and get…Sprocket, what are you doing over there?"
The inventor abruptly rose up and stormed over to the table in the corner of the room, where Sprocket was playing poker with numerous other dogs. "Sprocket, you'd better not be using my money there!" he scolded his pet, "I barely have enough to pay the rent, and I still have to pay Mr. Reiser back, as you may know!"
"Calm yourself pal, we're not playing for real money," Elliot Shag told him, "It's just with chips and only chips. Hit me three more chips there, Joe."
Rover Joe reached into a bag of potato chips in the center of the table and extracted three chips, which he handed to Shag. Shag took a bite out of one and went back to his cards. "I've got a straight flush," he announced, placing all his cards down.
"I've got a royal flush," Baskerville laid out his cards as well.
"I've got a toilet flush," came Rowlf's voice from upstairs, followed by the sound of the toilet flushing. "Now that was a bit uncalled for," Doc shook his head, "After all, this is supposed to be a family story."
"I couldn't help it," Rowlf came down the stairs, "It was too good a joke to pass up. And no offense, but I don't really think you're that good at breaking the fourth wall yet."
"Well thanks a lot pal," Doc snorted. He leaned close to Sprocket and whispered, "Show business types; thirty years in the business and they think they know everything."
Rowlf walked up on stage and took his place at his piano, on top of which Hoots was warming up his saxophone. "I guess we're probably ready to start now," he told Guy Smiley, who was standing next to it, give us the intro."
"Right," Smiley strolled out to the center of the stage. "Good evening one and all and welcome to tonight's Christmas song jamboree!" he announced in a hyper, excited voice, "And now, for our first song tonight, please follow the lead of our guest pianist, my dear brother, the very talent Don Music!"
Lethargic applause greeted Don Music as he replaced Rowlf at the piano for the moment. He tapped out a few opening notes. "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," he sang, "Oh what fun it is to ride in a…in a…in a….oh it's no use, I'll never get this song right, never, never, never, never, never!"
He slammed his head hard off the keyboard repeatedly in frustration. "Someone call a doctor!" Waldorf called out.
"Yep, that has to hurt," Statler said.
"Not for him, for me," Waldorf corrected him, "I'm already feeling sick just watching this."
"All right, maybe this wasn't the best of opening acts," Smiley had to concede as Rowlf tenderly led a still distraught Music off the stage, "Anyway, next on our program, Elmo has agreed to sing one of his favorite holiday songs; Elmo?"
"Thanks Guy," Elmo walked up to the microphone, "Play it again, Rowlf."
Rowlf started the song. "Kickity-kick, ee-aw, ee-aw, it's Dominic the Donkey," Elmo sang with great gusto despite loud groans at his choice of song, "Kickity-kick, ee-aw, ee-aw…"
"Ah, shut up!" without warning, Ploobis staggered over and slugged Elmo hard off the stage, garnering more than a few claps all around the room. Kermit slid over to Smiley. "Uh, I don't think the scheduled acts are working, Guy," he told the host what Smiley probably already could guess, "Maybe you should do a solo piece; I don't think anyone hates you."
"Excuse me Kermit," Sam, temporarily free of the Baby, strode up, "I might have the answer to this nonsense going on around us."
"Be my guest," Kermit gestured the eagle up on stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," Sam addressed everyone, "As an entertaining counterbalance to the weirdness you've just been witnessing, I present for your listening pleasure the very talented Wayne and Wanda with an old Christmas favorite that's guaranteed to delight young and old."
More groans greeted Wayne and Wanda as they took their turn at the microphone. "O Christmas tree," Wayne started to croon, "O Christmas tree, of all the trees most…"
He got no further, for it was at this moment that the tree unexpectedly fell over on top of him. Sam put a wing over his face and shook his head. "Why do they keep doing this to me?" he asked no one in particular.
"Um, anyone else wants to sing, anyone, anything?" a nervous Smiley asked, "Any acts at all?"
"How about I do my boomerang fish act?" Lew Zealand stepped forward, fish in hand.
"NO!" just about everyone in the room shouted at him.
"Oh Kermit," Piggy stepped forward, a hopeful look on her face, "How about giving moi a chance to sing?"
"Well, no offense Piggy, but I don't think we have a song on the bill that'll really fit your style," Kermit admitted, "And we don't really have room for you in…"
"Kermit?"
"Yes Piggy?"
"MAKE ROOM!" she pushed her snout right into his face and raised a fist. Meekly, Kermit gestured for Smiley to give him the mike. "Here now the fabulous Miss Piggy to sing whatever she wants," he said in a defeated voice. Piggy stepped grandly onto stage and struck an almost ludicrous diva pose. She pointed a finger at Rowlf to start the song. "IIIIIII don't want a lot for Christmas," she started to sing, "There is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas isssssss…yoooouuuuuuuuu."
Dr. Teeth started banging away on his keyboard like a man possessed. Every other musician on stage took the same cue and started playing away as if their lives depended on it, which in this case it just may have. "I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree," Piggy sang in a far more professional and enthusiastic manner than her predecessors, which had the effect of the audience actually getting into the song, "I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace. Santa Claus won't you make me happy with a toy on Christmas Day…"
"Something's not right here," Janice said out loud, apparently noticing an accelerated pace in the song. Piggy was in fact singing a little faster than Mariah Carey had, although still at a reasonable enough pace so that the song didn't lose its tempo. "I just want you for my own," she went on, "more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you."
"Too fast," Rowlf was noticing the same excessive pacing. Piggy failed to slow up. "I won't ask for much this Christmas, I won't even wish for snow. I'm just going to keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe..."
"You're not waiting for us, ham hog!" Floyd Pepper yelled in distaste, his voice drowned out by the music except for those already on stage, "You're going to break our wills to play!"
"I'll definitely break something, pal! HIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAA!" Piggy spun around and karate-chopped him senseless, leading to a high out-of-tune note as Floyd landed on top of his guitar. "…just want you here tonight, holding on to me so tight," the pig continued, "What more can I do, all I want for Christmas is you."
"Can't we slow down?" Dr. Teeth complained, sweat pouring down his face as he pounded his keyboard hard to keep up with the breakneck pace. Piggy was too caught up in singing the song perfectly to back attention. "All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere," she went on, "and the sound of children's laughter fills the air…"
"And the sound of dog's fingers going numb," Rowlf howled, looking ready to collapse.
"And everyone is singing…" Piggy apparently didn't hear him over the audience's loud clapping in rhythm with the song.
"Santa won't you bring me…" a dazed Floyd Pepper staggered to his feet and leaned toward Piggy.
"HIIIIYAAAAA!" Piggy chopped him down again. "OOOh, I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for," she took a diving slide the length of the stage and lay on her back to sing the rest of the song, "I just want to see my froggie standing just outside me door…"
"Nice," Kermit flinched and took a large step away from the stage.
"Oh I just want him for my own," Piggy sang with increased gusto as the song reached its climax, "more than he could ever know, make my wish come true…"
"To just end this song!" Zoot was on the verge of collapse.
"All I want for Christmas is YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!" Piggy squealed out the long last note. And then without warning, she launched herself at Kermit, kissing him madly. "Say you love me Kermie, say you love me!" she squealed. Kermit broke loose and climbed up the tree, which had been set back upright, as fast as he could. "Somebody get protective custody for me!" he cried out. The song finally ended, punctuated by everyone on stage falling to the floor, gasping for air. The audience gave a standing ovation. "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Piggy bowed crazily in all directions, "Oh you love me, you really love me! Let me do another one!"
"NO!" the Electric Mayhem recoiled at the prospect.
"Well, that was quite good, wasn't it Kermit?" Gonzo asked the frog.
"Actually it was," Kermit did agree with this," Piggy does sing well, that much I know. Probably with that bad review she got from that last guy to read this, she felt she had something to prove." Shrugging he looked at Smiley's list as he tentatively climbed back down to the floor. "OK, Bob, you and Scooter are next," he said into the microphone once Piggy had dropped it and left the stage.
"And whatever you do, go nice and slow!" Zoot told Bob as he took the stage and leaned against Rowlf's piano, "We can't go on at that clip all night!"
"Don't worry, I've got a nice slow on I think we'll all enjoy," Bob reassured him. Rowlf started the first few notes of this song. "The garment of life, be it tatter and torn," Bob sang quite professionally, "the cloak of the soldier is withered and worn, but what child is this that was poverty-born, the peace of Christmas Day."
"The branch that bears the bright holly," Scooter joined in with him, "the dove that rests in yonder tree, the light that shines for all to see, the peace of Christmas Day."
"The hope that has slumbered for two thousand years," the gofer took the next verse on his own, "the promised that silenced a thousand fears, a faith that can hobble an ocean of tears, the peace of Christmas Day."
"The branch that bears the bright holly," everyone in the room, familiar with the song, joined this verse of the refrain, "The dove that rests in yonder tree, the light that shines for all to see, the peace of Christmas Day."
"Add all the grief that people may bear," Bob took the final verse as well, "total the strife, the troubles and care, put them in columns and leave them right there, the peace of Christmas Day."
"The branch that bears the bright holly, the dove that rests in yonder tree, the light that shines for all to see, the peace of Christmas Day," everyone finished off the song. Again, there was a standing ovation this time. "Very good Mr. McGrath, very good," Smiley commended Bob as he walked away, "OK who's next? Is that you, Kira? Come right on up."
Kira took hold of the microphone as a low hum of keys came from Dr. Teeth. "If I cannot bring you comfort, then at least I bring you hope," she sang in a voice that seemed to itself embody hope, "There is no gift more precious than the time we have been sold."
"We must fight to keep our spirits," Alice Otter joined in with her, "Count the blessings that are here. Let the bells ring out for Christmas at the closing of the year. Let the bells ring out for Christmas, at the closing…of…the…year."
The entire extended band cranked into the song full blast. Once again everyone in the room was soon rocking back and forth in tune with the song. "If I cannot bring you comfort, than at least I bring you hope," everybody who cared to sing along sang with Kira and Alice the second time around, "At the closing of the year…"
"You know, if this is what they do everywhere in Outer Space, I might just skip the Festival of the Bells and find one of these thing called a church," Gobo told his fellow Fraggles atop the coffee table, "Robin says that's where Silly Creatures go to sing on Christmas."
"Don't Gobo!" Boober warned him, "I've read some of the bear's books while everyone was out on the river; churches are the perfect places for disease to spread! The entire Rock'll end up sick once you get back, probably with something terrible like sufferosis!"
"There is no sufferosis, Boober," Red rolled her eyes, "That was all just in your head, as usual."
"Oh look the song's over," Mokey had noticed the duet coming to an end, to even more loud applause, "Come Wembley, we're up next."
"But Mokey, we haven't rehearsed it yet," Wembley protested as she took his head and took a flying leap from the coffee table to the stage.
"It'll be no worse than some of the songs we've seen so far," Mokey said, retching at the thought of one of the acts in particular, although she apparently decided not to reveal exactly which one. Smiley picked them both up and held them in front of the microphone. "Um, this isn't really a Christmas song," Mokey told the others before them, "But we feel it fits the Christmas spirit. Wembley, you start."
Wembley waited until the Country Trio plucked off a few choice notes. "I had always thought the world was full of mystery," he sang.
"I had seen so many faces that were strange," Mokey added.
"And it sometimes seemed that each one was my enemy," they sang together, "And I thought our fighting ways would never change."
"But I learned to meet my brother and my enemy," Mokey took the line.
"And I learned that we are none of us alone," Wembley followed her this time before the two of them teamed up again for the final two lines of the verse: "For I found a friend who's different and she cares for me, and we found a place to share and be our home."
"We are the children of tomorrow," the other Fraggles joined the two of them on stage, "Each one is different and the same. Help us to live here with our other, our brother, one in heart, one in hope, one in name."
"Come on, you all know the lyrics, together!" Smiley waved at the audience with his free hand. Soon everyone in the room was singing along who did in fact know the lyrics were singing along (although Oscar, looking frustrated at all the happiness now going around, was merely lip-synching badly): "We are the children of tomorrow, each one is different and the same. Help us to live here with our other, our brother, one in heart, one in hope, one in name." It was during the height of the song that Alan and Christine finally came in from the cold (followed by Thog, who was too big to get through the door), having been skating together on the river with other guests who hadn't quite been ready to inside once the hockey game was over. "Well, it looks like we missed out on a little bit of fun," the big blue monster commented.
"I had fun out there, Thog," Christine reassured him, "I like skating with you."
"Ah, you guys all done out there?" Kermit came up to them, still swaying with the music, "I was just about to ask anyone who wanted to come into town with me to pick up more food to get ready after this song. Care to come along?"
"Um, sure, Kermit, as long as the weather holds out," Alan told him.
"It should," the frog said, "Latest reports say the most severe patch of snow won't hit until about ten, so that's plenty of time out and back."
He walked off to inquire others if they wanted to go as well. "Not good for mommy," Christine shook her head, "If it snows like that…"
"Don't give up hope on mommy yet, pumpkin," her father kissed her, squelching for the moment his own deep doubts about his wife's ability to join them, "I'm sure something'll pop up yet that'll get her through. And in the meantime, we get to take a sleigh ride."
He walked over to corner, where he was delighted to see Zachary singing along with several other children. "Care to come with us into town, Zack?" he asked him.
"Thanks Dad, but I think I'm happy here for now," Zachary said, unable to suppress happiness at being with others his own age again, ""I'd like to get to know some of these kids more."
"I have no problem with that," Alan told him, "You just go meet them all. Again, great work out there on the ice. I'm quite proud of you."
"And I'm glad you could be here with me, Dad," Zachary hugged him.
"All right, enough sap!" Oscar cut in before things could get too warm, "This chapter's gone on long enough; start the next one all ready! We're dragging things out too far with this one!"
