Matthew's confession freezes the world for just a moment, then, just as quickly, the world starts turning again. It's a reality neither Arthur nor Mathew could have predicted, one they both wanted, but not in that way. A confession of love in the midst of heartbreak, a hope for a future neither one can accept right now. It's a love both reciprocate, but neither can accept. Even so, Mathew feels better once he says the words he's been withholding his whole life. Arthur makes a confession of a different kind in return.
"I've never seen you as a replacement for Alfred. Not from the day I first met you to this very day. Never once."
For a moment, Mathew doesn't understand anything. Then suddenly, he understands everything.
"Good job, lad."
Arthur claps him on the shoulder, a proud and sincere smile on his face. Mathew refutes it, guiltily.
Sorry, Arthur," The words are apologetic and gentle. "Im Mathew, not Alfred."
Arthur's face falls and he regards Mathew with a look that Mathew can't quite identify. No, that's not it. It's a look Mathew can easily identify, but chooses not too. After all, Mathew knows this is the same look he makes himself when he's talked over or ignored. It's a painfully familiar look but Mathew chooses bit ti identify it. He doesn't have the strength to understand why Arthur is wearing that look, not today.
Matthew's head begins to spin as he figures it out, remembering time after time when he chose to ignore the signs. Then, with a dizzying stop, all of his thoughts give way to just one memory.
"Mathew, I love you."
Alfred had been right. Francis had been right. Fixing his relationship with Alfred had made it so Mathew was willing to listen to Alfred, and because he'd listened to Alfred, they were here now. Mathew knew that he was upset, heartbroken and hurt, but at that moment, he chose to ignore it, like he did so many times before to anything that inconvenienced him, instead focussing only on the light fluttering feeling in his stomach and throat.
Arthur had never come onto Mathew while thinking of Alfred. He'd always been after Mathew himself, and something in Matthew's broken, twisted heart is thrilled at that fact. Then, just as quickly, reality sets back in and Mathew feels overwhelmed. He doesn't know what he wants anymore, he doesn't know why, and he feels moments from tears. He tilts his head to keep the tears from spilling out, and catches a glimpse of Arthur's face, blotchy red patches on pale skin, looking both terrified and elated and Mathew feels like for the first time in his life he truly understands what Arthur's feeling.
"Arthur."
Mathew doesn't even know what he's asking for, but he knows that he wants it desperately, and he leans in as he asks. He feels desperate and scared and overwhelmed and that morning with Alfred when he was full of confidence seems like weeks ago, and he doesn't -
Matthew's thoughts disappear as Arthur gives him what he's craving so desperately, wrapping his arms around Mathew like he's still a child, and Mathew leans in, and everything comes spilling out. Things Mathew wants to say, but couldn't, things he couldn't say, but wants to, and things he doesn't want to say ever, but still come spilling out. Mathew isn't sure if he's talking or crying but Arthur seems to understand anyways, and he has a response for everything Mathew says.
"I'm scared, Arthur."
"Me too, Mathew."
"I'm mean and I get jealous easily and I blame everyone but myself-"
"Me too."
"I can't say what I want to say, and I hate fighting and I hate yelling at Francis."
"I know."
"And I pushed Alfred away for years just because I was stupid and stuborn!"
"We're all still alive Mathew. As long as we are there's time to fix things."
"And I lied when I said I like your scones! They're really dry and crumbly, and I just said that because I was happy you made them!"
Arthur's arms tighten, lovingly.
"Oh Mathew," he whispers into Matthew's hair, "I know that too."
There's something wet and warm and itchy that trickles down the back of Matthew's neck, and he knows that Arthur's crying too, and everything feels better, even though it still feels so wrong. Everything is twisted and painful and Mathew doesn't even know what he wants anymore. He wonders if Alfred could tell him if he was here, if Francis would know if Mathew asked him. But neither of them are there and it's only Mathew and Arthur, so Mathew asks the only other person there for an answer.
"Arthur, what do I do now?"
Matthew's voice sounds little and weak, like when he was little and would wake up Arthur after a nightmare. He doesn't know what he's expecting Arthur to say, or even if he can accept anything Arthur does say. He's still stinging inside with betrayal, and he feels raw and vulnerable in front of Arthur, and a small part of Mathew still worried that Arthur will hurt him again. Still, Matthew's following d along behind Arthur for so many years now, doing what Arthur told him to, that Mathew doesn't know what to do without Arthur's order.
Arthur, cruel to the end, refuses to give Mathew the order he craves, instead he asks Mathew the most painful question and he pull back.
"Mathew, why do you like me?"
It's a ridiculous question, one Mathew can't possibly answer, but Arthur is staring evenly at Mathew as though waiting for an answer, so Mathew tries his best to think of a reason.
Becuase of how elegant and gentlemanly Arthur is? But Mathew knows best Arthur's sloppy side. Is it because of how Arthur had loved and cherished him? But Mathew knows that's not true either, Arthur hadn't cherished Mathew, just Alfred. Every reason Mathew thinks up he can shoot down, and Mathew realizes he doesn't know why he likes Arthur at all. Instead he says the one thing he knows is the truth.
"I don't know, I just want to see you smile and stay by your side."
It's simplistic and childish reasoning, Mathew knows, but it's true. Ever since that first day when he realized he loved Arthur to this point now, it's always been that simple. All he's ever wanted was to see Arthur smile and to stay by his side, no matter how painful. Mathew has never wanted to stand behind Arthur. Arthur seems to be considering this, forehead drawn together in a pianed expression, and when Arthur speaks he sounds like he's forcing himself to admit his words.
"Then.." He hesitates, then continues. "I... Fell in love with the Mathew who stayed with me and took care of me when Alfred left, even though I'd been horrible to you. The Mathew that stood behind me no matter what I did, that never argued or left me."
Arthur's words hurt. The something that was hopefully raising its head inside of Mathew sunk down in defeat. It was pointless, Arthur had never lived Mathew, Just what Mathew could do for him. He's never been anything but "the version of Alfred who stayed". Arthur isn't done speaking though.
"But even though that's the Mathew I fell in love with, I learned to see the real Mathew, and I..."
Mathew jerks his gaze up and meets Arthur's eyes, shining with unshed tears and earnest intentions. Arthur makes his final confession with a red face but feirce eyes.
"I don't want you stand behind me anymore. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want to stand beside you and see you smile too, Mathew, So please..."
Arthur's voice fades out like he's not quite sure what he wants to say, but for once, Mathew understands exactly what Arthur's trying to say, and it's left him speechless. Arthur had never thought of him as Alfred's replacement. The only one who had been doing so was Mathew himself. Mathew knows that he should still be feeling hurt from Arthur's earlier revelation and past actions, that rationally he shouldn't be feeling this euphoric feeling of elation, but love has never been rational, and though Mathew hasn't forgotten, he's willing to forgive.
Arthur looks half hopeful, half filled with self-disgust, and Mathew knows that because it's the same feeling he had been feeling only moments ago, swollowing past the guilt to hope for a better future. Maybe it's because he understands, or because of the new feeling of elation in his Chest, or maybe its because Matthew's finally figured out what he wants, but Mathew feels a smile spreading across his face, small and shy at first, as he makes the tentative offer.
Maybe Arthur's greed has once again won over his guilt, maybe its because he can sense the sincerity in Matthew's tone, or Maybe, just maybe, Arthur's also found out what he wants, and it's the same thing that Mathew wants, but he answers in a cracking tone, but with a desperation in his face that suggests he'll never let go.
"Arthur, I love you. Will you go out with me?"
"If you'll still have me, I'd like nothing more."
