A/N: Whoohoo! More reviews! I love you all sooo much!

And for those of you who don't know, the SHM are the 'Silver Haired Men', aka: Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. (Don't feel bad, it took me a while to figure that out too.)

Well, this was not easy. It was a close call between Reno and the SHM. But in the end, it was decided by the difference of only one review and...it's the SHM! So, enjoy!

Disclaimer:- I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or any of its characters. Sigh.


Reno and Rude walked towards Zack's Buster Sword which was placed deep into the soil. The sword was covered with rust and had a few cracks here and there. Reno examined the sword carefully and then stopped at the bottom of the sword. 'Yo buddy, check this out!'

The taller Turk walked closer towards Reno and bent down next to him. 'Its a phone, Reno. Ever heard of one?'

Reno picked the cell phone up and dusted it a bit to reveal a message written on it with pink marker.

'Property of Kadaj. Touch it, and I'll break your face'

'Wow, looks like somebody is possessive...' Reno said slyly while punching in a few numbers on the phone.

You have 7 New Messages

'Oh no...' Rude said to himself as an evil grin spread on Reno's face.

Message 1

Beep

Kadaj, this is big brother number 2...Yazoo. Hey, that rhymes! Kadaj, when are we gonna go to that pizza place you were talking about? And when are we gonna pick big brother number 3...Loz, up from the rehabilitation center?

Beep

Message 2

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Excuse me sir, but I keep receiving SMS's and calls from you in which you keep calling me 'Mother'. You and these two other friends of yours. I am not Mother, and I am not Jenova. I'm not even married, you retard! My name is Julia, not Mother. Repeat after me...J.U.L.I.A. Call me again and I'll...tell my boyfriend or something.

Beep

Message 3

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Kadaj, this is Big brother number 2...Yazoo. Mother just called me and scolded me and told me to call her Julia. Big brother number 0...Cloud, said that this was Mother's number, right? Didn't he give you this number to call on if we ever wanted Mother? Hurry up and tell me, because I think Loz is crying.

Beep

Message 4

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Kadaju baby, this is Chloe's twin sister...Cloe! Like, I heard you dumped my sister! Like, that is sooo rude! I mean, how dare you, like, dump my own twin sister? So, I guess you're, like, free...so you, like, wanna come over to my place?

Beep

Message 5

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Kadaj, this is Big Brother number 2...Yazoo. Guess what? Loz just said his first word! It sounded something like...'Shwit Head'. Oh, if only you were there!

Beep

Message 6

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Kadaj, this is Sephiroth! Mwahahahaha! Just kidding, it's Reno. Haha, got ya! It's me, Mother! Nope, wrong again! It's Reno! Haha!

Beep

Message 7

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Kadaj, this is Sephiroth. And no, this is not Reno. Nor Aeris. Nor Mother. Nor Pa Sh...er...President Shinra. This is the one and only Sephiroth. Now listen, I can't call for long because the bill is a lot. Listen, I will mail you the steps of how to re-incarnate me. Just call me and tell me if is your e-mail address. And for the love of Mother, this is not Reno

Beep

'Hah, this cracks me up!' Reno cried, wiping a tear off his eye.

'...Well I thought Loz's first words were very emotional,' Rude said, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket and blowing his nose on it.

You have 1 Deleted Message

'Cool!' Reno said, opening the deleted message.

Message 1

Beep

Kadaj, this is...um...Vincenta Valentino, from last night, do you remember? I wanted to ask you why you are not responding to my calls and if you have spread the story of what happened yesterday night between us. Goodbye. I am so smart. I know you couldn't tell who it was, Kadaj. It was I, Vincent Valentine, the crank calling phenomenon!

Beep


'Mr. President, this was the only shred of evidence we could find about the clones of Sephiroth, sir,' a Shinra Company employee said sternly, as he handed a thin black mobile phone to the President Rufus.

The president inspected it carefully and read the sticker on the back of the phone.

'Property of Yazoo. Kindly keep your grummy little hands off it'

'Hmmm...' the president said. 'Elena, take care of it'.

He tossed the phone to Elena who caught it, saluted and quickly jogged of towards her cubicle. And then...

You have 10 New Messages

'This should be fun...heh heh heh.' Elena snickered wickedly to herself.

Message 1

Beep

Big brother number 2...Yazoo...this Loz. Loz wanna say hello. Loz also wanna say when Yazoo come to play tea-party with Loz. Loz miss Yazoo and cry. Bye bye.

Beep

Message 2

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Big brother number 2...Yazoo, why you not talking to Loz on the phone? Loz know you are there. Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo...come quickly or Loz will cry! Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo... that's it, Loz is leaving Yazoo all alone! Loz will go and marry Hercules and become strong man! Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Yazoo Ya-

Beep

Message 3

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Hello Yazoo, this is Aunt Mary from the Rehabilitation Center. We would like to inform you that your brother Loz has now almost fully recovered from his phobia of silver haired men. Although we may need to keep him here a little longer as he is developing a fear of air and refuses to breathe. Thank you.

Beep

Message 4

Beep

Yazoo, this is Vincent. No, wait, this is NOT Vincent. I am a random stranger crank calling you. My name is...Vince! And I am here to ask you if your toaster is heating? And if so, would you like me to spray it with ice? Do you understand it? I spray it with ice and it cools? By the way, this was Vincent Valentine, as I know you couldn't tell. I am such a-

Beep

Message 5

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Yazoo, this is Sephiroth. No, this is not Reno, this is Sephiroth. SEPHIROTH. Now listen up closely. Kadaj is a dumbass who followed my instructions incorrectly and re-incarnated a blonde teenager who is obsessed with blitz-ball. Although I cannot blame him, blitz-ball is a good work out. Good for the hips. NO! I mean-

Beep

Message 6

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When I come back to life, the first thing I do is to increase the time limit allowed for talking on your mobile. Now, back to my evil scheme. To re-incarnate me, you must take a female virgin chocobo and smother it in chocolate sauce. Not Vanilla. Not Strawberry. Definetly not Soya sauce. C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E. sauce. Next, you must-

Beep

Message 7

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I am starting to hate your mobile more than I hate Cloud. Now, after smothering the female virgin chocobo with chocolate sauce, roast her and feed her to the orphans, the poor and the hungry. But after they are done eating, tell them that the sauce they thought was barbeque sauce is actually CHOCOLATE SAUCE! Imagine the looks on their faces! Mwahahahaha-

Beep

Message 8

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Yazooooo...this is Yuffie. How you doin', honey? I've got plenty 'materia'...heh heh heh. And the best part is, Cloud and Rufus are both in Midgar while you three are in...um...where do you guys live anyways? Call me. Bu-bye!

Beep

Message 9

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Hello ma'am, we're calling from Forgotten Capital Tailors, and we'd like to tell you that the pink dress you asked us to make is ready and you can come pick it up any time you like. Bye!

Beep

Message 10

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Hey punk? Who the hell do you think you are to crank call my girl friend and keep calling her 'Jenova' and 'Mother', huh? Wait till I get my hands on you B#, I'm so gonna kill you and those two rats who work with you. If I ever see you messing with my girlfriend ever again, I'll...uh...I'll sock you one! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! Sock you-

Beep

'Loz, where is your mobile?' Yazoo asked sternly with his hands on his hips and his pink apron tied tightly around his waist. ' Didn't Yazoo and Kadaj tell Loz NOT to play with his mobile near ravines?'

'Loz is sorry,' Loz said sadly as he bent his head.

'It's ok, Kadaj will look for it in the morning. Go and play now.'

Loz happily ran off to his bedroom and Yazoo smiled and shook his head. He looked at Loz in a proud way. 'Kids...they grow up so fast!'


Meanwhile, in the 7th Heaven bar, the Turks were over and everyone was enjoying a drink. Yes, they were enjoying a drink even though they were mortal enemies. Suddenly, Cloud felt something hard under his Glutius Maximus. 'Hey, I think I'm sitting on something hard.'

Everybody stopped what they were doing and faced Cloud as he revealed from under his butt a black mobile phone with Super-Man stickers on it, saying

'Loz have a mobile.'

Reno and Elena winked at each other and in an instance, Elena snatched the mobile from Cloud and pressed some numbers.

You have 587 New Messages

'Damn he's popular!' Reno said surprised as the screen went black and a new message appeared.

Just kidding loser. You have 8 New messages

Message 1

Beep

Hello Loz. This is Aunt Mary from the Rehab- I mean Happy Place. Loz, are you breathing normally? Loz honey, air will not eat you, and silver haired men do not have broomsticks and talking rabbits. They are good people Loz. Now, take a deep breath and keep breathing. I'll call again, bye.

Beep

Message 2

Beep

Hey Loz, this is Kadaj. Nope, it's Reno! Just kidding, it's Yazoo. Hah, you believed me? It's just me, Sephiroth! But my true identity is...Reno! Hahaha!

Beep

Message 3

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Loz, this is Sephiroth. Not Reno, not Vincent, not the tooth fairy. It is me, Sephiroth. Loz, my good brother, go and slap Yazoo for me. The goof that he is, he brought that stupid pink coloured flower thing back by smothering the chocobo with chicken sauce. Do you know how hard I tried to kill her? Well this time, try my second plan of reincarn-

Beep

Message 4

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Remind me to destroy your mobile when I return. Now, this time, take a brown fluffy bear and make Cloud fall in love with it. When he does that, spray-paint the scalp of the bear silver and show it to Cloud at midnight. Then, I shall return, mwahahahaha! By the way, mother sends her love.

Beep

Message 5

Beep

Hey Loz, this is Vincent. Loz, my good man, are you having a brain-freeze? And if so, would you like me (stops and laughs) to 'unfreeze' it for you? I am Vincent Valentine, the lord of crank calling! Loz, join my side and become a crank caller! You must not resist!

Beep

Message 6

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Loz, you dumbass you brought Pa Shinra...er...I mean...President Shinra back to life! Now the planet will suffer from world hunger again! Damn you and your stupid brothers! Which numbskull's clones are you? I swear, this time I'm gonna just re-incarnate myself...yes Loz, I know I don't have any hands or feet.

Beep

Message 7

Beep

Hi Loz...this is Marlene. Papa wants me to stay with Mr. Rufus this weekend but I don't like him because he keeps calling me Barlene. Loz, I want you to be my mommy! Loz, come take me away forever! Be the wind under my tired pinions, dear, and take me to a sacred haven, for people like you and me! People who's intelligence is misunder-

Beep

By this time, the sounds of laughter and shouts had woken Tifa from her sleep. She climbed down the stairs wearily and saw Cloud with the Turks, all of them crowded around a cell-phone.

'Hey Tifa, could you make some drinks for us since you're up anyways?' Cloud asked, barely looking at her.

'No way Cloud! You and your friends can get your lazy butts out of my bar and drink somewhere else!' Tifa said with an angry look on her face. Suddenly, she saw the last message appearing on the phone.

Tifa's face went pale and she swallowed hard. 'Cloud, honey, let's not hear the last message, please?'. Too late.

Message 8

Beep

Hey Loz, this is Tifa. Um...Cloud is out of town...so I thought it would be okay if I called you. Um... so when are you gonna pick me up? Are we going to go for Chinese or to some romantic French cafe? Hurry up and tell me before Cloud comes and finds out.Bye. (makes a kiss sound)

Beep

Everyone turned their heads in unison at Tifa as she turned scarlet. 'Heh heh,' she began 'So, about those drinks...'


Yay, the longest chapter I've ever written! Please review it and tell me who should come next. Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to all those good reviewers who took some time out of their lives to review this story. But it is also written for the people who wanted to see the Silver Haired Men's 'private' messages.