A/N Chapter two, as requested! Hope you like...
p.s Jonny Was is Shane West's band, for all those "not in the know" and GPK is my favourite song!
Chapter Two- Neela
"No one said this would be easy,
Take a breath and make it big"
-"GPK" Jonny Was
I sank into the couch, relishing a chance to finally rest my feet. It had been a long shift at the ER, and I wasn't quite used to be back yet. I'd decided to stay in the ER, rather than taking the surgery rotation, because I didn't want to start something new -I wanted familiar faces around me. But it seemed that everything had changed while I was gone. Jerry was obviously one of the most revealing gaps, but then Abby wasn't there, and Luka was hardly there either. Morris had gone to his drug company. Ray was never on my shifts, I noted. So it seemed it was only Pratt, Frank and I left. Everyone had moved on, apart from me.
I didn't know what I'd expected really, I'd been away for so long. And at County, a lot of changes happen over a very short time.
One interesting thing was the arrival of Ray's cousin. He had never talked about family while we lived together, so I'd pretty much assumed he didn't really have any. But Kevin seemed really nice, I couldn't see why Ray would have avoided him since high school.
Ray... all my thoughts led back to one name. I was a widow, but it wasn't my husband who haunted my thoughts. I'd watched Michael's tape again. He wanted me to continue living. He'd given me his blessing. I could see that now, months later. It wasn't my fault things hadn't worked between us, it wasn't my fault he had died. It wasn't his fault either. It had happened, and as Pratt said, I had to let it make me stronger. I still thought of Michael, often at the most silliest times, and when I thought of Ray I felt guilty. But... I had to carry on living, it was what he'd wanted.
When I'd told Abby this she'd grinned at me; "Finally, you're going to tell Ray then."
"Um... no."
I wasn't that ready. Not yet. Ray and I were dangerous territory. We were friends, I didn't want to ruin that, although sometimes I felt like I already had. I hoped he would one day be able to forgive me for hurting him, but I wanted to take it slow. I didn't want to rush things, I didn't want to make any mistakes.
The next day I found myself at reception, talking to Kevin again. He really was a nice guy. Sweet, charming, and yes handsome too. I guess it runs in the family.
"Yeah, it's a pretty boring company really, but I'm the founder so I get to reap all the benefits," he said, with a smile.
I laughed, "I take it you mean the money?"
"Well, that would be a part of it. But also, I get to take vacations whenever I want, like now."
"Yeah, that's so lucky. I hardly ever get to go on holiday, I mean vacation. And when I do, I usually go back to England to see my family."
He raised an eyebrow, "You know, most British people say they go back home, rather than back to England."
"You notice very small things don't you."
"I like listening to people," he said with a shrug.
"Well yes, I do think of Chicago as my home now. Sadly enough, its County that's my real home. When... when my husband, Michael, was killed, I remember thinking that all I had left was this place. I'd just moved out of my apartment with Ray, so I had no home either."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's alright. It's not like it's your fault. He was killed fighting in Iraq," I clarified.
"I always wished I was brave enough to go over there."
"Michael and I had... different opinions about the war."
He nodded, "I see."
"You two look cozy." I looked up and saw Ray looking at us, wearing his coat.
"We were just talking about how I only have this place to look to as a home," I said with a smile. His gaze locked with mine, and I knew that he was thinking of that day on the roof -just as I was.
"And now County's changing," he said simply.
I frowned at him, why did he have to say that, why did he have to be so... unfeeling. I know I'd hurt him but... well, I guess I'd just answered my own questions, I'd hurt him, so he was hurting me. "Yeah, just me and you staying the same, right?"
He looked down, then looked back into my eyes, "For now."
Before I got a chance to ask him what he meant, Kevin stepped in, "So, you ready to go, Ray?"
It took a while for him to break contact, "Yeah..." he said, looking away from me, "Yeah, I'm ready to go."
I couldn't understand what he'd said, and it bugged me all day. So, when I went to visit Abby after work, I decided I would ask her about it.
"Did you hear Ray's cousin is in town?"
She nodded, "Yeah, he mentioned it when he was round here yesterday."
"Oh, did he say what he thought of him?"
Abby squirmed, uncomfortably, she never liked talking about Ray with me, unless it was my own feelings we were talking about. I guess it felt a little bit like betraying him, or something. "He doesn't like him too much. Apparently he was always the golden child."
"Yeah, I can see why Ray wouldn't like that. He said something really weird today," I said, slipping it in, in what I thought was a coy way.
"Ah, now we see the real reason you came round today," Abby said with a smile.
"What? I said I was coming round here yesterday!"
"Well, why you brought up Ray then." She shook her head, "What did he say then, tell all. I might as well get both sides of the story."
"Why has he said something?"
"No, but he probably will. Just spill."
"I was talking about how County feels like my only home, and he said how it must be weird that every things changing. He said it in a really mean way, to be honest with you, but I ignored that and said that just me and him were staying the same. And he replied, for now. What does he even mean by that? I mean it's so weird and I wanted to..." I trailed off as I saw Abby looking away from me. "What? Do you know something?"
"Um, no. Look, Neela, it really isn't my place to say. If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you."
"Abby, you're getting me paranoid now."
She shook her head, "No, I'm not telling you. He can tell you himself. I've had enough of making all the moves for you both, if this is going to work you both need to do something about it."
"If what is going to work?"
"You and Ray!"
"There isn't anything there to work."
"Ah," she said with a knowing smile, "But you want there to be."
I sighed, "It's not going to happen Abby. I give up."
"You give up? Before you've done anything about it? Yeah, it's definitely not going to work then."
"Look, it was quite clear to me today that he was really angry with me. He's not going to forgive me, that much is obvious."
"To you and you alone. Yes, he is pissed, but wouldn't you be? But he will forgive you Neela, but you might have to actually apologise or something first. He's not going to forgive you when you haven't done anything to make amends."
"I..." I trailed off. She was right, as always. If I wanted this to get fixed, I was going to have to do the running. He'd done the running, put himself on the line and I'd turned him away. Now it was my turn to take a risk. But I wasn't sure I was brave enough.
I guess I just wasn't sure about anything.
A/N An anecdote from me own life, we end on. Anyway, hope you like this second chapter!
