A/N Love you all! You rock my socks! hehe

Chapter Four -Neela

"Forget about that guy,

Forget about the way you fell into his eyes,

Forget about his charms,

Forget about the way he held you in his arms"

-"Forget About Love" Aladdin 2 Soundtrack

Can you believe I can't watch poker any more? What a stupid thing, I know, but I just can't. It brings back to many sweet memories. And sweet memories will make a girl do stupid things, like try to ravish her former room-mate in the drug lock up. Not that I've thought about any such things, of course.

I'm slowly coming round to the fact that Ray and I are barely friends now. It's taken a while, but I had some slightly more pressing issues sometime in the middle, like my husband's death, my colleague's death, you know -little things like that. I don't want to admit it, but when I left the apartment everything got wrecked. No, I'm lying, it wasn't when I left. It was when I stopped returning his calls and started avoiding him. Leaving the apartment might have been the right thing to do, but the rest wasn't. The rest was because I found I couldn't trust myself when I was just talking to him, even at work. But that didn't make it right. I shouldn't have treated him badly, I shouldn't have made it seem like it was easy for me to let him go.

It's weird that however unfriendly we can act towards each other, we still have those moments. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I'm still attracted to him, rather than some deeper connection, but when I look into his eyes it's just like... wow. Ray is so different from Michael, but the feelings I had for both of them at the beginning, those feelings where you're just amazed at that person, they're exactly the same. Except, with Ray and I, they progressed. We weren't together, we weren't "seeing each other" but they still managed to progress to... alright I'll face it, they progressed from lust, to love. With Michael I loved him, but there was no progression. It seemed like a straight jump, from those early days to suddenly we were in love and getting married. There was no progression because he wasn't around. I think you need the progression, for it to work. Otherwise the love isn't really built on anything. With Ray and I it was built on friendship, now that doesn't seem to be there any more. I don't know what that means.

Maybe I'm over thinking, Abby says I do. She says I should act on feelings, not think about them. Abby should be a psychiatrist, she's very good at all that stuff.

My alarm went off, not that I needed it. I'd been awake for about half an hour, pondering. But this was my signal that I needed to get up, if I wanted to be ready for work. So I did, I got up and showered and pottered around making breakfast. I'd lived in Abby's apartment for so long now, it should have felt like home. Abby didn't even live here any more, she and Luka had moved into a bigger apartment together, I'd taken over her lease. But it wasn't my apartment. My apartment was Ray's and mine. That was my home. Do you know what it feels like to have no home? If you do, I feel for you, because I know the confusion and pain of it now. All I want to do is go home, but I can't.

I got to work early, as usual. I was always there early now-a-days. No distractions at Abby's you see. I was a good girl there, didn't stay up late, didn't really drink very much, didn't watch my room-mate while he was cooking my breakfast. At Abby's I was good, serious, I was back to the old Neela.

But I'd had time to realise that I didn't like the old Neela.

When I got into the Doctor's Lounge I saw Ray. He turned from the coffee machine and gave me a look of surprise.

"Neela, I didn't know you were working today."

"Freddy asked if I'd swap with him, he's at a wedding or something today." Freddy was one of the new doctors that had been hired in the aftermath of the shoot-out. He was nice enough, but seemed to think he was better than us all, I hadn't worked out why yet. I always found it hard to say no to people, when they asked me favours.

"Oh." He stood there, looking uncertain and uncomfortable. "Well, would you like a coffee?"

I nodded, "That'd be nice, when are you on till?" I asked, assuming he had been on the night shift.

He gave a small smile, "I've not started yet."

I frowned, "You don't mean to say you're early."

He shrugged, "I had to get out of the apartment."

"You and Kevin don't get on, do you?" I asked, remembering the last time I'd seen them, when they'd been out shopping. I knew from experience that Ray did not like shopping. In yet another incident of not being able to say no, especially to him, I had found myself signing all my gift tags at Christmas with "love Neela and Ray". If that wasn't a way to stop the rumours that we had something going on, I don't know what was. Not.

"You could say that. Though it would be a wicked understatement," he said, handing me my coffee. One of those small things you tend to ignore, but it was a small thing that I noticed. Because when I took a sip it was exactly right. He still remembered how I liked my coffee.

"How come?" I asked, sitting on one of the couches. Oh I was glad I had got in early now, a whole fifteen minutes with Ray, all to myself.

"You know those annoying kids at school, who always get everything right? That would be Kevin. All I ever heard when I was younger was "why can't you be more like Kevin?" I mean, he started a business after college, I started a punk band. Not quite on the same lines, at least not with my Mom."

"No, it probably wouldn't be with mine either. But you've got a medical degree."

"Kevin is the founder of a very big, very rich company. Again, my little medical degree pales in comparison." He gave me a small smile. "We're just... different people. And I hate people comparing us, which they always do."

I wanted to say I think a medical degree and a punk band is so much better than starting your own company but I didn't. I would have, but right at that moment Chuni ran in and told us there was a twelve year old and an eighteen year old coming in, the result of a car versus bike accident. There just wasn't any time to tell him how I felt. As I walked to the ambulance bay I realised that that was true.

I would have told him how I felt.

I made a pact then that the next time I saw Ray I would talk to him, really talk to him. Or I would at least arrange a time where we could talk. Here was I, trying to come to terms with the fact I'd lost a friend, when all along he'd been there, our friendship had been there -it just needed some working on. But of course life, or mine anyway, never seems to let you follow the path you've chosen. Something always gets in the way.

When I had finished my shift I passed Kevin in the ambulance bay. I must admit I was in a good mood, it had been such a great shift, because Ray and I had been normal, almost. We had almost acted like our old selves, and almost was better than nothing. So, happy as I was, I gave him a smile.

"Hey Neela, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm good thanks," I said, pausing to talk to him. I'm polite like that when I'm in a good mood. "How are you enjoying Chicago?"

"Chicago's great, but I haven't had a chance to see much of it. Ray's always at this hospital, and I don't know my way about well enough that I can just... you know. Anyway, I seem to have spent most of my time in his apartment."

"Well, that's the torments of being a doctor."

"Yeah, I guess. Actually, I was wondering if you might like to do something with me?"

"Me?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes, you," he said, with a chuckle, "I thought we could perhaps go for a meal."

"I don't know Kevin, I'm not sure..."

"Come on Neela," he interrupted, "I'm only staying another week, one night out of your busy schedule can't be too much to ask, can it?"

"It's not that, it's just..." How on earth was I meant to explain why I didn't want to go out on a date with him?

"Look, I've not had a chance to see much, and I just thought you could show me around. I'm sick of that apartment."

"I..."

He smiled, "How about Friday? I'll pick you up at eight."

"I..."

"It's a date," he said, before turning towards the hospital. He gave me a small wave then headed inside. I was left outside, wondering what the hell to do.

"Abby," I wailed down the phone, an hour later. I was finally home, but still none-the-wiser about what I should do. "Please help me."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Kevin asked me out, and I didn't say yes but he assumed that I meant yes and now he's picking me up on Friday!" I blurted out. "And Ray and I had a really nice day, and I was going to tell him how I feel but then a trauma came in, so I said to myself that I would tell him later, and then I met Kevin and now I just don't know what to do!"

There was a pause as she tried to digest all of this information. "Ok. Neela, breathe. Everything will be fine. Why don't you come round here?"

"I don't want to intrude."

"Look, I don't think it's going to make much difference to Luka whether I'm talking to you on the phone or in person."

"Tell him I'm sorry."

"Tell him yourself and get your ass round here."

When Luka opened the door to me I proffered my large pizza box in front of me, while saying, "I'm so sorry Luka, I know I always come around uninvited."

He smiled, "If it was anyone else, or you didn't have pizza I wouldn't let you in. But you know how to get to a guy's heart. Come on in."

I went in and sat next to Abby on the couch, she gave me a reassuring smile. Luka came in and sat on the chair, handing me a plate with pizza on it.

"Want my advice?" he asked, then before we could reply, said "Eat, forget about it all. Just for one night, enjoy. Stop over thinking."

I frowned, "You're becoming too much like Abby."

He laughed his deep laugh, "Doesn't mean I'm wrong though, does it?"

"No, but..."

"Nope, listen to Luka. Sit back, and relax in the company of your friends, and t.v."

I grinned at Abby, then at Luka. They were right, they were strange, but they were right.