Chapter Six- Neela
"How can I not even cry?
For such a big thing in my life
The pain it takes the part of me
Turn around and say goodbye"
-"I Want You Back" The Kooks
"So, what would you like?"
I smiled across the table at Kevin. He was certainly very nice, a really great guy. He just wasn't... well he wasn't Ray. He was so similar to Michael, in a lot of ways, except Michael had been a lot shyer than him -that had been sweet. I shook my head, I really shouldn't compare all the men in my life, or those that had once been in my life.
"Um... I'm not sure. What are you having?"
He gave me a small smile, "We could go on all night like this."
"Sorry, I'm not really used to restaurants like this. I've become more accustomed to take-outs."
He tutted, "Are you telling me you never eat out? Or even have a home cooked meal?"
"I can't cook, at all. People make jokes about it all the time. The last time I had a home cooked meal was... when... Ray cooked for me."
"Ray can cook?" He looked disbelieving.
I nodded, "He's a really good cook. He never tells anyone but I think he likes it."
"The only time I've ever seen him cooking was in... fourth grade, and he burned it. We were making brownies with his Mom."
"Were you close as kids?" I asked, I knew Ray's view on the subject, but I wondered what Kevin thought.
"We were kind of made to be. I mean, if we had just been in the same class or something we never would have been friends, but because we were cousins... We never really got on, to be honest, we're so different. But I always admired him, people always used to compare the two of us, making me out to be better simply because of my grades or something, but he never let it get to him."
"Were you never interested in music?"
"I'm tone deaf," he said, shaking his head, "I could never grasp any musical instrument. Ray tried to teach me guitar one time, but it was utterly useless." He paused, looking at me seriously. "Neela... do you wish it was him out tonight with you?"
"What? Of course I don't..."
"Neela, it's pretty obvious how you both feel about each other. I could see it in your eyes tonight when I picked you up... the disapointment. Why haven't either of you done anything about it?"
"I... that's why I moved out, because I couldn't trust myself with him. I was married, and I loved another man. Then when Michael was killed I just... I tried to keep away from Ray, I didn't want to tarnish Michael's memory. And now... we're barely friends any more, he can hardly look at me."
"Do you ever think that might be because he doesn't trust himself with you?"
I shook my head, "Look, Kevin, I just don't know. With Ray and I it's complicated."
"Does it have to be?"
I sighed and picked up my menu, "So, what are you ordering?" I asked, changing the subject abruptly.
"I have one more thing to say, about my cousin, and then we don't have to mention his name the entire night. If you like him, if you love him, you have to tell him. Love is too precious to waste on silly disagreements, or mixed messages."
When I let myself into my empty apartment a few hours later, I knew he was right. Why, when everyone was telling me to take the risk, had I not? Everyone I trusted, and everyone I barely knew was telling me to tell him. Maybe I should.
I picked up the phone and dialled the all too familiar number. It wasn't until he picked up that I realised this was not something I could really say over the phone.
"Hello?"
"Oh... hey, Ray, it's Neela."
"Neela? Aren't you out with Kevin?"
"He just dropped me off."
"Oh... what's up?"
"Um..." Think of an excuse, you idiot, "I was just wondering if you wanted to swap shifts with me tomorrow?"
He gave a laugh, "Thinking you might have a hangover or something?"
Yes, on my one glass of wine, "Very funny, no I was just... wondering."
"Um... yeah, sure, I've got... stuff to get done I guess."
"Oh, stuff?"
"Yes. Stuff." He was deliberately avoiding my question, which of course just made me more curious.
"Well, I'll let you get on with your stuff then, I suppose."
"Alright, night Neela. Wait, Neela?"
"Yes?"
There was a pause. "Goodnight."
"Night Ray."
I hung up, and looked at the phone, willing it to ring. If he took the risk then... but why should he be the one to say something again, after the way I treated him last time?
Oh, woe really is me.
A few days later I was saying goodbye to Kevin. He had come to County to say a final farewell to everyone, and he had pulled me aside.
"I haven't heard Ray say anything about confessions of love yet."
"Um... well..."
"Neela, just do it, give everyone a break, please?"
"I..."
"Please, for me?" He flashed me a smile which was similar to Ray's. I would do anything for that smile.
"Alright, I'll tell him."
"Promise?"
I sighed, "Yes, I promise."
"Good," he smiled at me. "Bye Neela, it was really nice meeting you, and I better get invited to the wedding."
I shook my head and he walked off, laughing.
A week after that Pratt came running up to me as I was filling in a chart.
"Hey, Neela, why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" I asked, scowling at my pen which had just run out of ink.
"About Barnett?"
"What about him?"
"You... oh..."
"Pratt, I am very tired, I am just starting a double shift, either you tell me what the hell you're talking about or I'm going to walk away." I hadn't meant to snap, but I was very tired. And Ray was a touchy subject, I still hadn't worked up my courage to tell him any of my feelings. I would but just... not yet.
"Neela," he turned me to face him. "Ray's leaving."
My eyes widened and I put a hand on the gurney next to me. "Sorry, what?"
"He's leaving. He's got another job."
"Wh... what? Where?"
"I don't know, I thought you would... I just... I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault," I said, trying to smile. I don't think I pulled it off very well. "When is he going?"
"He just finished his last shift. He didn't tell anyone, apart from Weaver, until today."
"Well," I said, smiling again, "That's just... great." And I walked away along the corridor.
"Neela, wait, are you ok?"
"Of course I am. I have patients, Pratt."
Was I ok? No, I was not. But would I let anyone else know that? No, of course not. I was Neela Rasgotra, the dependable, the reliable, the sensible. I was not someone to get upset simply because an old room-mate of hers was moving away. Did it matter that he was someone I loved? Not to anyone else.
When my double shift had finally finished I went to the locker room. What better way is there to forget your troubles than pull a few shifts at your local ER? I glanced at Ray's locker, thinking "wow, he's never going to use that again". I saw an envelope on the floor next to it, it must have fallen out of his locker. I took it and pulled out the paper. I'm nosey, what can I say?
I just wanted to see who it was too, but when I saw that I couldn't help but read on.
Dear Neela,
Thank you for being my best friend...
I slumped against his locker, my eyes burning with tears unshed. Oh god...
"Yours always," I mumbled to myself. "But he's never been mine..."
"Neela?" Sam looked down at me, "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine!" I snapped, going to my locker, grabbing my coat and slamming the door. "I'm perfectly amazing."
I walked out of the ER with a stony look on my face. What the hell was I meant to do now?
