A/N Hey, I'm glad you've liked everything so far! I am really glad you liked the letter's Ray wrote, I didn't but I'm glad you lot did!
Chapter Seven- Ray
"Baby you're the words and chapters
The sweetness in the morning after
You are the cry that turns to laughter
You're the hope that ends disaster"
-"Warmer Climate" Snow Patrol
I wanted to tell her. I really did. But every time I tried I just... couldn't. I could barely look at her, to look at her, to talk to her, would be seeing what I would soon be missing. If I spent as little time as possible with her I might be able to forget sooner. That was the plan anyway. But as I packed the last things from my apartment I realised I would never forget Neela. No matter how much I wanted to, or thought I should, I could never forget. Everything seemed to remind me of her. Maybe when I was out of the apartment. I could only hope.
They say that time heals all wounds, but for me it was getting worse. The memories had started off bitter-sweet, now they were just bitter. As much as I wanted to be with her, I knew I never would be. Especially now, I was leaving everything behind, starting afresh... without her.
Kerry had been reasonably nice about it, she'd given me a good reference and said she was sorry to see me leave. And she hadn't told anyone else, as I'd wished.
My plan was to tell Neela, then tell everyone else. I hadn't wanted her to hear it from someone else, but as things turned out, that was exactly what would happen. I had been finishing my last shift, and I just told everyone who was there. She wasn't. I knew word would spread pretty quickly, but I hoped I would be gone before she could find me. I knew she would kill me, she would hate me so much now. I couldn't deal with that just before I left.
It seemed I didn't really have a choice.
I had sent most of my stuff ahead of me, there were only a few boxes now. I didn't even have a bed, just a sheet, a cover and a cushion. Not the most comfortable affair, but I had a six pack of beer to see me through the night. I was planning on drowning my sorrows. That was until I heard the knock on the door.
I wouldn't have answered it, but I couldn't help myself. Not when I heard her voice.
"Ray, please... let me in. We need to talk."
I opened the door and leaned against it, blocking the way in. "Hey Neela... what are you doing here?" I was going for the Mr-Innocent routine, but she saw right through it.
"What the hell do you think I'm doing here?" she asked, her face stony. "Why didn't you at least tell me?"
"Neela I..." I paused. "Do you want to come inside?"
She pushed passed me and went to the lounge. She stood in the middle of the room, her eyes wide. "Every thing's gone," she said quietly.
"Yeah, that happens when you're moving."
The look she flashed me let me know I really wasn't in joking territory. "It's not funny Ray. It's not like you're just moving apartment, you're moving out of Chicago, you're not working at County any more. Did you not think these would be things I'd like to know? I thought we were friends."
"We've hardly talked in the last few months," I said surlily, sitting on the floor. She sat down, cross-legged, facing me. I couldn't help but think how cute she looked. She'd always been beautiful when she was angry. I think it was that last thought that made me want to push her, so I added, "Except when you were dating my cousin of course."
"I was never dating Kevin. We went out once. And that is so not what this is about." She sighed, "I know we haven't been as close... but surely you didn't want me to hear it from Pratt?"
"I... I'm sorry, but I couldn't face telling you."
"Why?"
I held out my hands, "I don't know. Jeez, Neela! Not everyone finds it easy breaking news like this."
"And I do?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.
"No... but you don't make it easy for people to tell you things."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Ray... I'm so sorry. I know I should have... I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have reacted like that."
"What are you talking about?"
"When I moved out. I never should have... I'm sorry."
"You moved out because of me, it's me who should be sorry. I knew you were married. I never should have..." I trailed off. We left it unspoken, we both knew what I'd done. I'd dared to feel something for a married woman.
She gave a small, unamused laugh. "You think I moved out because of you?"
"I know that's why you moved out. You told me."
"No, I never said that. I moved out because... well. It was because of you, but not because you did anything wrong."
"I loved you Neela, that was what was wrong."
"I had feelings for you Ray. That's why I moved out. Because I was... I was in love with you and I was married to another man."
I almost choked. My eyes were burning. I couldn't keep my mouth from opening, even though I didn't know what to say. "You... loved me?" I finally managed to choke out.
"Yes Ray. I loved you." She looked at me with her serious brown eyes, and I realised that everything I'd assumed I'd imagined, all the looks and everything that hadn't been said... It had all been true. She had loved me.
"Why... why didn't you tell me you were leaving?" she asked.
"I... I didn't want anyone to stop me. I knew you were the only one who would be able to stop me."
"I don't want you to go Ray. Please... don't go."
"I have to. I can't stay here any more, not after... everything. Every thing's changing, and I need to change too."
"I found your letter."
"What letter?" As soon as I asked, I knew which letter. I had taken all my letters into work, including that one. Today, when I was clearing out my locker, I must have dropped it. Idiot. "You... read that?"
She nodded. "I'll never forget either."
I gave a small smile, "But it's in the past now, isn't it."
"I don't want it to be. Please... don't go. Ray... I love you. I've loved you since... I don't know when. I couldn't do anything about it before because of Michael, and then because I was too scared... But now I'm more afraid that you'll leave. Please... don't leave me."
I could have cried. I could have thrown something. Why was life so unfair? Why now, Neela, why now? "Why are you telling me this the night before I leave."
"Because I don't want to lose you."
"Neela. I'm leaving because I can't cope any more. I have never felt like this about anyone, you are in my thoughts constantly, you haunt me. I shouldn't feel like that."
"You still love me though, after everything?"
"Yes, I still love you. That's why I have to leave. I think, I think you should go now too. This is why I didn't want to tell you..."
"Please Ray, let me stay for the night at least. Let's have just... one more night."
Just one more night. Would it be that simple? Could it be that simple? Somehow, I doubted it. But this was Neela, and I could never say no to Neela.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, no matter what you say."
"Just... can we forget about it for tonight? Go back to old times. Please, forget about it all."
I nodded, I wished we could do that. Perhaps for one night we could, but in the daylight everything would all come flooding back. I knew that, but for that one night I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to bask in the cold hard facts. I love Neela, Neela loves me. We can have our night together, like old times.
Neela loves me.
