Mixed Feelings
By, Sid
Authors note: Hello again everyone!
I want to thank everyone for their reviews and comments as it has helped me figure out where I'm going with this. And Yuki Myco, thanks for the suggestion!
Looks like Avery (my muse) is back from vacation but he's gonna take a bit to get used to doing his job again… Really… I just don't know what to do with him. Sigh... okay! Enough jibber jabbering! Enjoy the Chapter kiddies! ;p
Disclaimer: I don't own GS or the characters.
Kira's POV
My heart seemed to freeze and my thought's whirled as I replayed Murrue's words in my mind.
"You don't really think it's all over, do you?"
'She's just trying to scare you!' I thought to myself. I looked at Athrun and Cagalli who both seemed to be having similar reactions as myself. And then I turned to Lacus who sat calmly sipping her tea as if she knew this. My hand clutched the table as if it was a lifeline and I swallowed hard forcing myself to look at Murrue again.
"Wh…what do you mean? The war is over."
Murrue looked up at me then, and her expression was one of such sadness as she spoke to me.
"Maybe for now Kira… but I'm afraid this is only the beginning of it... you all know that there are still people who go on wishing to fight to make a 'pure and clean world.' And then there are people who fight for other reasons… I'm not sure when… perhaps it won't be anytime soon and we won't need to take to the Archangel again but… a war is stirring."
I was shocked at hearing this and it seemed as if all my emotions, everything that I had held in seemed to surge out of me then and I stood enraged. It was as if something inside me broke.
"THEN WHAT THE HELL WERE WE FIGHTING FOR IF IT WAS POINTLESS ALL THIS TIME!"
Cagalli stood and walked forward her arms outstretched as if to embrace me, calm me, but I didn't want that. I wanted… needed to get it out of my system. Shoving her aside I slammed my fists into the table and it seemed to give way at the force of it. China smashed as it hit the floor and tea splattered over the carpet but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn.
"Why… why did Flay die? Or Cagalli's father? Nikol? Mwu? Why did they have to die if this was for nothing?"
Tears seemed to fill Murrue's eyes upon hearing the angry words Kira uttered.
"For nothing? Is that what you think! That what we did… what we fought for… what they died for was all in vain!" The silver streaks rolled down her cheeks and she lifted her hand to wipe them away angrily.
"If we don't do anything then it will have been in vain… and if you think otherwise your not as smart as I gave you credit for." And with that Murrue walked out of the room and headed outside the house.
Cagalli walked forward again lifting her hand to my cheek, her eyes filled with grief and she whispered my name softly, "Kira…" I couldn't bear to look at her. I just couldn't.
"Don't touch me. Just don't touch me." And with that I left the room. I didn't look back at her to see her expression. I didn't need to. I knew her grief had turned to despair and I could feel the way her heart seemed to break as I said those words. And I heard the way she sobbed and Athrun's voice as he tried to sooth her. I knew that when he embraced her, her tears would slow and perhaps something would happen between the two that just couldn't be between her and me.
I shut the door to my room and sat there encompassed in darkness, my mind full of the past, the present, the future. I thought of Murrue who had left the room crying and I realized that what I said was cruel. She knew all too well what I was feeling. Still pain and anger seemed to envelop me and I wanted nothing more then to lose myself in her.
'Cagalli!' my mind screamed. And for the first time in a long time I felt tears well up and my body shook. I didn't hear the door open. I didn't know when Lacus knelt before me smiling sadly. And as she wrapped her arms around me I lost myself. I looked up at her yet it wasn't the pink-haired beauty I saw but her. Perhaps I just didn't want to see anything… anyone else.
"Cagalli." I whispered as I dug my hands into her hair and leaned closer to her. As I kissed her. And I pulled her forward wanting to drown myself in the scent of her soft blond hair and-
That was when I realized it. I pulled back from her as if awakening from a trance and looked at her, really, for the first time since she entered the room.
"Lacus… I…"
"Shhh…" she shushed, "it's fine." She pulled me into her soft embrace and there I slept.
The Next Morning
Athrun sat at the kitchen table staring into the cup of coffee pondering the revelations that had been revealed the night before. It was starting again. The war between Naturals and Coordinators. All that they, on the Archangel, had striven to accomplish had, in the end proven useless.
He couldn't blame Kira for his outburst. He himself wished nothing more then to rage and fume over the injustice of it all. It just wasn't right. But then his thoughts switched over to Cagalli and Murrue. Kira's words had hit them both hard. It wasn't as if they all didn't know exactly how Kira was feeling. They had all sacrificed to do what they had, yet what had it gotten them?
He remembered the pain in Cagalli's eyes when Kira had pushed her away. His rejection at that moment had been too much for her to bear and she had broken down. It was then that Lacus had looked at him and told him wordlessly what had to be done before she strode out of the room after Kira. And it was then that he had taken Cagalli into his arms and let her cry. And after she had no more tears to shed he took her to her room and there she slept leaving him to his thoughts.
He trusted Lacus. He knew that she knew what she was doing and yet it was of no relief to him. It didn't frustrate him any less to know that Lacus, his fiancée, had spent the night in Kira's room comforting him. Yet Kira was his best friend and thus there was nothing he wouldn't do for him. He sighed, angry at himself, angry at the world, and bowed his head into his hands.
"You didn't sleep either?" It was Murrue. After she had run off he hadn't had time to look for her, thus he looked up at the sound of her voice, relieved she was okay.
"Sleep is a far thought," he scoffed, "there's more coffee if you want, it should still be hot."
"Thanks." She shuffled around in the kitchen looking for a cup and helped herself before joining him at the table.
They sat drinking their coffee in silence for a moment before Murrue spoke.
"Last night… it seemed as if there was quite a bit of tension between Kira and Cagalli, yet they were fine when I last saw them together."
Athrun hesitated before speaking, wondering how much he should reveal, "it's… it's a personal matter between them."
Murrue stared at him for a long time and opened her mouth to speak but seemed to think better of it. She seemed lost in thought for some time but finally she looked up at him again firmly. "I was in Mwu's old quarters on the Archangel before I came… when I was clearing up his things I found some documents…" She hesitated again as she wondered if she should reveal the contents. "I don't think Mwu ever got around to looking through them himself… they were in regards to Kira and Cagalli."
Athrun's gaze snapped towards her at those words. He waited soundlessly, to hear the rest.
Murrue took another sip of the coffee before putting it down and heaving a long sigh. She met his eyes then and spoke. "There's a chance that--"
Her words were cut off as Lacus hurtled down the staircase towards them, a stricken expression overtaking her features.
"Cagalli's gone."
Cliffy! ;p lol. Okay, I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I'll have the next chapter out as soon as I can but please be patient! I'm in college ya know! Please review and feel free to make suggestions.
