THE EVIL STORY OF DOOM!1111one!1!1111eleven!
Author's Note: Heya guys! Authors here no dip, and I have to say that I'm sorry for not updating in an ungodly amount of time. But I'm not really, they're just making me say this 'cause I'm typing. ANYHOW. So…yeah…Disclaimer time!
Yea and before we start with all that jazz, this is a person who's character was stolen and was molested into doing this story… I am the original Nightshade, and all I can say is that I'm THOROUGHLY pissed off about my current dwellings and wage. Who the fuck sleeps in a closet? With Snape's hair? SNAPE'S HAIR!
Back to breaking the law
Disclaimer: Okay, so I don't happen to own Yu Yu Hakusho, Beyblade, Lance Armstrong, 100 Calorie Packs, T. Mobile, or the internet, but I DO own this keyboard, your soul, this pretty knife, and my cheesy noodles. Back off, they're mine. MINE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"OH MY GOD! THE BABY'S COMING!"
"WTF?" screamed everyone whipping around to gape into the backseat.
"Just kidding," said Willow, smiling deviously, "I just wanted to get everyone's attention, which I did, and tell you all that were getting close to the blockade."
Rei, who knew absolutely nothing about women and pregnancy, eyed Willow as if she was a ticking time bomb and was, in fact, having a baby.
"…She's kidding, you fag," Umi snapped from the front. "So, which way do you all want me to swerve? Left or right?"
"…Does it matter?" Hiei asked. "We'll die anyway."
"Left it is!"
"Why don't we just take an exit off the highway?" Eclipse suggested. "That way we completely miss the blockade and—"
"Oooh!" Nightshade squealed, sticking her head out of the window. "Mexican food truck! Can we get some?"
Everybody (including Umi, who actually took the time to take her eyes off the road to glare hatefully) stared at Nightshade in a combination of shock and utter annoyance.
"…What? I'm hungry."
"Try to think more with your brain than with your stomach. And why the hell is there a Mexican food truck in Tokyo and-"
Umi's rant was cut off by a polytechnic tune coming from the back pocket of Eclipse's hideous skirt.
"Your skirt's singing Eclipse," stated Rei, who finally stopped staring at Willow's stomach.
"Oh! That's my cell phone! Hold on!" She fumbled a bit and pulled out impossibly tiny cell phone and opened it, "Hello, Eclipse speaking."
---Kurama's Car (er… mini-van if you prefer to be technical)---
"Where the hell are you!" Kurama desperately shouted into the cell phone. A short reply was mumbled into the other phone. "Why? Because we're on national TV because of you imbeciles."
"I AM NOT AN IMBECILE!"
"UMI WATCH THE ROAD!"
"Guys, focus!" Kurama's desperate pleas couldn't be heard over the loud conversation and the screeching of tires heard after his comment. He sighed, turning to the others in the car.
Yuuske was leaning forward in his seat, trying to look out the window to get on the news crews. Kuwabara was shoving Yuuske out of his way to get a better look as well.
"So… we're stranded in the middle of psychotic reporters in power suits and we have no one to turn to for help… I fucking hate the girls," said Kai, mostly to himself.
At this moment a fake blonde reporter hurled herself at the back window, yelling about destruction and asking why they became so violent. Max let out a particularly girlish scream and fainted onto Kenny. However, no one noticed because Yuuske was trying, in vain, to protect the girls' honor.
"Come on guys," he cheerily tried. "They were just trying to get some attention--"
"They're in costume," Hilary interjected. "They don't need any more attention."
"...Oh. Well, maybe they just hate Kurama."
"Thanks Yuuske, I feel loved." Kurama rolled his eyes. A fat, ugly, bald man with a microphone began hitting the window, trying to get his attention. The window opened. "What is it?"
"Why did you run over that young man's foot?" the ugly reporter immediately snapped. "What has that innocent boy ever done to you?"
Kurama paused. "I didn't see him--"
"So you're saying you're a bad driver?"
"I am most certainly not--"
"Oh, Kurama's a horrible driver," Yuuske called, shoving himself onto the console between the front seats.
"Yeah!" Kuwabara agreed, shoving Yuuske out of the way. "He almost got us in a wreck the other day--"
"That was because you idiots were distracting me!" Kurama snapped, shoving them both into the back seat.
"Do you have road rage?" The reporter shoved the microphone into Kurama's face as he continued making accusations. "I bet you get in car accidents all the time. It's people like you that need to be kicked off of the road!"
Kurama blinked. What the hell had he done?
"Move it lard butt!" the fake blonde reporter shoved the ugly fat man out of the window, replacing his microphone with hers. "What's the deal with the little girl at the wheel of the police car? Who is she and why did you make her steal the police car?"
"I didn't make her steal it!" Kurama denied. "And she's my obnoxious little cousin--"
"Oh, so you're an abusive sibling? That explains it all..."
"Oh, Kurama's abusive all right," Yuuske called. "He beats us up on a daily basis!"
"I have the scars!" Kuwabara supplied, pulling up his shirt sleeve. "See that? He beat me with a stick!"
"I did not you liars!"
"Did too! I have pictures!"
---Cop Car---
"I think they forgot about us," said Eclipse quietly, listening to the arguing coming from her cell phone.
"Well, that's just great, we're almost out of gas and we've got at least 50 police cars chasing us, what else will happen?"
"GUYS!" cried Nightshade, pointing in horror at the rearview mirror, "Lance Armstrong is chasing us!"
"Must he always make retarded cameos?" seethed Willow; she leaned over the neko-jin beside her and rolled down the window. A mass of fizzy red hair popped out from the car, "LEAVE US ALONE!"
"Way to make us seem emo Will," snorted Umi, flat-footing the gas pedal.
"I've come to save you troubled youth!" shouted Armstrong, bringing his bicycle up next to the car, "after all, I defeated testicular cancer AND won 6 Tour de Frances, in a row."
"So what?" replied Hiei, looking out his window, "we've saved the world multiple times from demons and do we get a thank you? No."
"OMG!" squealed Rei, pushing Willow and leaning out of her window as well, "I'm your biggest fan! I love everything you've done, including marrying Sheryl Crow!"
"Shut up Rei! We're trying to make him go away! Not inflate his ego!"
Eclipse sighed and opened the car door both Willow and Rei were bending over. The door hit Lance Armstrong and sent him flying off his bike and under the wheels of the Mexican food truck.
"Ouch," said Nightshade, flinching, "he'll never appreciate a burrito again."
"I'm sure he didn't appreciate them before," Eclipse commented.
"...Not the point."
"Now that you guys are done bickering over burritos," Umi began, swerving through a few lanes, "does anybody know which exit I have to take to get to the airport?"
"Exit 47," Willow replied. "...Wait, why?"
"No reason."
"YOU'RE BRINGING US TO THE AIRPORT!" Rei cried, leaning forward against the front seat.
"You don't know that..."
---Inside Kurama's car---
"Wait, airport?" Kai questioned, grabbing the cell phone from whoever was the last to hold it. "Why are you going to the airport?"
"Who's going to the airport?" Max asked, shoving Kenny out of the way to grab the phone. "Where are you going? Can I come?"
---At the airport---
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DI--!"
"SHUT UP REI!"
"Don't hit me!"
"Umi! Knock it off!"
"Which plane are we getting on?"
"That one!" Hiei shoved each of the others through the airport, to the terminal, and eventually onto the plane.
"I DON'T WANNA—oh! Snack Box!" gasped Rei, now absorbed with the snack box, "oh my god! They have 100 Calorie Packs! I love 100 Calorie Packs!"
"At least we have him preoccupied," whispered Eclipse during Rei's rant, "I only wonder why he's so fangirl-ish."
"That doesn't matter right now, what matters is we need to get this plane off the ground before the cops come on here," said Umi.
"I say that we make Hiei give the pilot a lap dance!" suggested Nightshade.
"No way in—" started Hiei.
"Actually, that might work and it's as funny as hell, Hiei, go give the pilot a lap dance."
Hiei glared at Umi, "Why should I? He'd probably want one of you girls to do it."
"You are the more feminine one," said Willow.
"You all are girls! You would be more feminine that me if I was in drag!"
"Stop complaining and go give the man a lap dance!" growled Umi, shoving Hiei into the cock pit and quickly closing the door behind him.
---Kurama's Mini-Van---
All the guys (and Hilary), amid the chaos in the parking lot, were huddled around Kurama's cell phone, listening intently to the situation on the plane.
"Hiei… lap dance… HA HA HA HA HA!" burst out Kuwabara.
"I...can't...breathe!" Yuuske managed to choke out through his laughing fit. "Priceless!"
Even Kurama was having trouble keeping in his snickers. "Do you think they have a camera?"
--In the plane--
"...What the hell is taking him so long?" Nightshade grumbled. "We should be leaving by now!"
"Maybe he's really enjoying it," Willow suggested, shoving Rei into the seat next to her so he'd stop jumping around like an idiot.
"That's rather disturbing," Eclipse murmured, disgusted. "Allow me to go hurl."
"I'm debating on whether or not I should go look..." Willow and Nightshade exchanged equally mischievous glances. Umi, rightfully worried about those expressions, dared to ask, "What are you two plotting?"
Nightshade opened the door to the cock pit as Willow shoved Umi in. "Have fun!" the two called in unison.
Stumbling into the cramped quarters, Umi glanced around the cock pit in expected horror. To her surprise, she found Hiei desperately glancing around at the controls, trying to figure out how to work the plane. The pilot, unfortunately, was knocked out in the seat next to him.
"Looking for love in that lap dance?" Umi snickered, dodging the random object tossed at her head.
"Shut up and help me figure out how to work this stupid machine," he snapped.
"How am I supposed to know how to work a plane?"
"You hijacked a car didn't you? This should be a piece of cake."
"Cars are different, and I have my license for one of those."
"This button looks right," muttered Hiei, looking a big green one, "maybe that'll get this thing in the air."
"Then press it already! God, stop acting like Yuuske."
---In Cabin of Plane---
"—and then they'll have little Umi/Hiei babies. The end," finished Eclipse, looking a dazed Nightshade, Willow, and Rei.
"I always love that story," sniffled Rei, wiping at his eyes with his snack box, "it has such a great ending."
Suddenly the plane backed out of the terminal at a nauseating pace. A flight attendant, who was walking by, crashed into their row of seats, knocking the wind out of all of them.
"I think they heard us!" cried Nightshade, being suffocated by the weight of the flight attendant.
"Hello, this is your captain speaking," crackled the intercom, "I here to tell you you're officially screwed."
"Stop that Umi and help me with the controls!" the group heard in the background.
"I'd just like to inform them that they're probably going to die and that yes, Nightshade, Willow, and Eclipse, I did hear that story--"
"What story?"
"Shut up Hiei!"
"What's this button do?"
"I dunno. Let's find out!"
The plane lurched forward onto the runway. Many of the passengers looked around fearfully, trying to comprehend what was going on. The intercom fizzled out, and the innocent people began worrying even more, now that they couldn't hear the conversation inside the cock pit.
"Alright, who wants to go see what they're up to?" Willow asked. The other two girls shook their heads. "Alright Rei, it looks like that's your job."
"Why me?" he protested, stuffing another cookie in his mouth. "I don't want to know what they're doing--"
"I HEARD THAT CHRISTMAS!" The outraged call came from the cock pit, with a following cry of, "QUIT SHOUTING AT HIM AND HELP ME OUT HERE!"
"Do you think we should help them?" asked Eclipse, pushing the flight attendant off of herself.
"I dunno, if they heard our story, I don't think being within a 10 foot radius of them is safe," replied Willow, brushing hairspray off her sweater.
---Kurama's Car---
"They hijacked a plane," said Kurama in a spacy type of voice, "they hijacked a freakin' plane."
"At least they haven't gotten it off the ground," consoled Kenny weakly.
However the scream of "AAAAAHHHHH!" coming from the cell phone wasn't a particularly good sign.
"Don't they know their using up their minutes by keeping the cell phone on?" said Tyson, shaking his head, "and they don't even have Whenever minutes from T. Mobile."
Kai stared incoherently at him. "We're in a lot of trouble and on the news, and the girls are hijacking a plane, and all you can think about is those cell phone minutes?"
---On the plane---
"Hiei, look under the chair and see if there's a manual or something," Umi ordered, frantically pressing buttons in the hopes that the plane had an autopilot option.
"There's a book called The Idiot's Guide to Flying Planes," he read.
"READ IT!"
"I'm not an idiot--"
"Don't make me crash this plane into the ground on purpose."
---Kurama's car---
"DON'T THREATEN TO CRASH THE PLANE!" Kenny shouted. "PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU'RE TERRORISTS!"
---Cock Pit ((heh, now to get my mind out of the gutter))---
"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!" shouted back Umi.
"Um… Umi…" said Hiei, "the pilot's starting to regain consciousness."
"Then knock him out again!" yelled Umi, "wait… don't knock him out again, we need him."
Nightshade, Willow and Eclipse burst into the cock pit and locked the door behind them. All of them were wide-eyed and breathing hard, holding the door closed as if their lives depended on it.
"The passengers," gasped Nightshade, "are rioting."
The pilot looked around in horror, for the fact that his cock-pit was filled with strangely dressed girls and the lap-dancing munchkin. The shortest girl was beating the others with a random cane and screaming about "you me hey babies" and the munchkin was reading his manual.
Eventually, when the girl stopped beating the others with the aforementioned cane, someone pointed out, "Hey, the pilot's awake! He can fly the plane!"
The pilot glanced about in terror, and then quietly confessed, "I don't know how to fly a plane."
"...You WHAT!"
"Umi! Quit beating the pilot with that cane!"
"SHUT UP WILLOW! HE DESERVES IT!"
"Please!" he sobbed, "I have wife and children."
"Wait a minute," said Eclipse, pointing accusingly at the non-pilot, "I saw you hitting on Kurama at the gay bar!"
"Why were you two at a gay bar?"
"I had to go to the bathroom and that was the only place we could stop."
"Okay… hang on, WHY WERE YOU ALONE WITH MY COUSIN?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: That's all folks! You'll have to wait until next time/year to find out why exactly Eclipse was alone with Kurama and how the hell the girls are gonna get out of this mess.
