The Confessions of an Idiot
Enter: Orochimaru
TaurenLeaf
(Note for those of you who read the A/Ns: In the end, Secondary convinced me. And that one person who requested Anko…Sorry!)
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"Leave it alone!" I frantically yelled. A certain friend of mine had become increasingly persistent, no― annoyingly persistent lately.
To her, it was like if the world wasn't neat and tidy, it would crumble to pieces, screaming "O lord! Forgives our sins!" Then, we would have to give up our children for their hands would be too dirty! Of course, I'd be in the background laughing; I'm not one to go through childbirth—and get nothing in return.
Nevertheless, I would wind up with the burdens. As it seems, my not-so lovely friend decided that my apartment was too "untidy". Apparently she didn't notice the maid's reaction to that comment, but to me—it screamed "Let's see you try it, Miss-hasn't-worked-a-day-of-her-life." It might have been better that she hadn't seen.
"Darling, you must throw out all these old letters," she was using that haughty tone of hers again. The only reason she ended up so rich is because I gave her my lottery ticket, back in what? Fourth grade? And look at her now! Screw my fake kindness—if only I wasn't so sure that the bum (who sold them to us) didn't rip us off…
"The box that they're in is ratty, too." What the hell—you gave it me! That must be reason! "Let's throw it away!" her eyes sparkled at the thought. Let's not…
Regardless of what my personal thoughts were, she dumped all the letters into the trash. All except one, that is. It had hit the rim and dropped out.
To: Lylian Nydia Sutar
From: Orochimaru of the Frightful Sound
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At first sight, he was... hideous. His skin was pale, his eyes; horrendous and his tongue― EW. His face matched his name perfectly.
"Orochimaru?" I glanced up. I had made no mistake. The man was fugly. "You mean…as in...'oro', 'chi', and 'maru'?"
"Yes," he said. His stuck out his tongue, licking his lips. I twitched. Tenten must have been contagious.
"As in… vaginal discharge earth man?" I was aghast, how did his parents come up with a name worse than his appearance?
"No," he hissed. "As in the mythical eight headed snake." Even worse…
"My name is of a legend, as I wish to become a legend also. Just like my idol," he said proudly, "… It is my dream!"
What is he? Part if the Naruto reject pile? 'My dream is to be Hokage, like my dead father!'
"Your idol, huh?" I said, acting as if I cared.
"Yes, my idol, Michael Jackson." I nearly spat out my drink. Michael Jackson? He had to pick the ugly dude? Wait, what am I saying? —The dude uglier than himself?
"He is so beautiful," Orochimaru sniffed, "that a real nose wouldn't suit him, only a fake one would do. Real skin isn't good enough either, so that part is fake, too."
"I've tried my best to look like him, but tell me, did I do enough?" He sniffed again. Well, let's see, if you squint your eyes and turn about 15 degrees to the left, you look identical to him. Good job, you look like a molester.
"You look just like him, Orochimaru-san." Not a lie.
He sniffed, "I even took Sasuke so I can share my bed with him. I try so hard."
Wait, you like to rape young boys too? I need to keep track of who my clientsexactly are.
"Oh yeah, that's just like him." Personally, I was impressed. How did he keep from getting arrested?
"Hear me sing," he practically ordered. So that's how Michael Jackson got a record deal, a direct demand. He took a microphone (where did that come from?) and started.
-random Michael Jackson Lyrics-
Friends and family, I have one request: GET ME EARMUFFS!
-more lyrics-
Please make the torture stop! My ears are going to die!
-even MORE lyrics-
Forget my ears; my brain is going to die!
-end of song-
He finally stopped.
"So―what time is it? 7:30? 8:00? Time for you to go?" I suggested, unable to keep the look of complete horror and discomfort off my face.
"No," he looked at the clock above me. "I'll stay." Damn, the time guarantee again…
"Is it odd that I desire to be him?" he asked. Odd? No! I just think you're tremendously stupid and weird, that's all. You're also a molester/rapist/pedophile. What's so odd about that?
"Of course not, everyone is different, that's all." I smiled.
This is going to be a long day…
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A/N:
(pushes Primary off chair)
TLS – I quit!
TLP – And everything was going so well…! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU ALL HAVE DONE? YOU BETTER REVIEW! Or else…or else… no… more… ah… (I'm crying…you just can't see it…)
As a side note, the whole 'vaginal discharge earth man' is just a weird little joke. If you on this Online English to Japanese/Japanese to English Dictionary, and type in 'oro', 'chi', and 'maru' separately, that's what you get… Weird, I know. Anyway, review please!
