Chapter 5.

Byakuya put down the angry squirrel on the floor and it bit his finger out of irritability. "Sorry Squirrel-san, I could've sworn you looked like Hisana from a distance." If squirrels could talk, it would probably curse at him for throwing glasses in its face, squeezing its belly til it barfed and shaking it like a maniac.

"Bye squirrel-san!" Byakuya waved. Rukia tip-toed away while she had that shining chance. "Rukia! Eh, she's gone. How come every time I wanted to speak to her, she disappears like that...does she hate me?" Byakuya thought out-loud. "I know exactly what's the matter!"

On a chair sat Ichigo and beside him, Ganju and Hanatarou. Ichigo only drank because Orihime pleaded him, Ganju because...he's Ganju and Hanatarou drank because Ganju dumped his head into a tub of spicy sake that Orihime built herself. Frankly, they didn't even know where they were.

"Ichigo, Shiba-guy, little 4th division guy!" Byakuya yelled.

"We have names, you know..." Ganju spat.

"I know why they're disappearing...!"

"Who's disappearing..." Ichigo sorely asked. Migraine, migraine go away, come again when I'm dead.

"Rukia, uh Ukitake-senpai, Renji, Hisana, Kaien..."

"Aren't by brother and like your wife dead?" Ganju asked. "And the others are probably like hidin' from you, ya know?"

"That's what they want me to think, Shiba-dude..."

"...It's Ganju..."

"But I know the truth. Rukia, Ukitake and Renji are...ghosts!"

Ichigo raised an eyebrow while leaning on his arm on the table. Hanatarou and Ganju just sat there, awaiting the complete crap that was about to spew out of the noble's mouth. Byakuya leaned closer to the three to whisper...very loudly.

"You see, they're actually ghosts that want my brains to serve to their master supreme lord. And I know that squirrel is actually their evil henchmen, sworn to a life of demonic deeds! Hisana's probably a poor ghost too, lost to a world of forgotten souls and chaos. This includes Kaien. There's a reason why he didn't show up for breakfast that morning...he's a ghost too and his wife which I forgot her name...so there!"

"Hey hey, little master, don't talk smack about my big bro and his wife," Ganju muttered. "Squirrel?"

"Um, Kuchiki-taichou, we're well, souls so basically, they can't be ghosts um in Soul Society. And well, wouldn't the two that died, well, be reincarnated..."

"That's what they want you to think, little boy! Come you three, we must make haste to vanquish the ghosts that haunt Soul Society! to the Noodle Cave!" Byakuya ran off with Hanatarou pleading for help atop Byakuya's shoulder.

"What should we do..." Ichigo asked.

"I'm too tired, but they got Hanatarou, so we must as well go."

"Ah, this freaking migraine is killing me..."

The two dragged themselves to follow Byakuya to possibly save Hanatarou and most definitely cause trouble with Kuchiki-taichou.

--

"Well, I don't have a Noodle Cave, but I have my room," Byakuya told them. He put Hanatarou on the mattress who was now purple from screaming so loudly. "I have a plan. We need to seek out the ghosts into the kitchen where most of my sharpest weapons are, like this fork!"

"My eye!" Hanatarou screamed.

"Sorry," Byakuya continued, "Anyways, I know that they won't come out if I'm there so we need a decoy to lead them to the kitchen. That's where you come in!" Byakuya pointed to Ichigo.

"Me? Why do I have to do anything? I don't even know what the heck is going on around here!"

"Quiet, do you want the squirrels to eavesdrop on our plans? Anyways, I have this makeup kit I got from Yumichika when we ran away from 11th division and a bucket of black paint. Ganju, hold him down!"

"Whatever you say," Ganju belly flopped Ichigo, slamming him onto the floor.

"Ganju, get off of me! Hanatarou, stop him!"

"..."

"Worthless piece of..."

"Now, let's do this!" Byakuya opened up the paint bucket and held out a fat brush with a red gleam in his eye. "Are you ready, Ichigo?"

"No, no, what are you doing...noooo!" Ichigo screamed at the top of his lungs.

(Ten minutes later.)

"I swore that I would never dye my hair..."

"Orange is your natural hair color?" Ganju questioned.

"Yea, that was kinda one of the main points in the beginning of the mangaka."

Byakuya held out a mirror at Ichigo and he screamed again. Under his new black hair and eyes, were little eyelashes, signature of the Shiba clan. Byakuya gave Ichigo a thumbs-up. Ichigo struggled underneath Ganju, cursing.

"What's the point of this!"

"You see, Kaien was part of their secret plans, but I suspect that he stayed dormant in an act to plan another dangerous plot. You will be Shiba Kaien and you will distract the ghosts while they will be leading them into the kitchen and that's when we spork them and gouge out the weakness points: The left breast and testicle. You got that?"

"...Uh...yea," they replied.

"Now, we need code-names in order for this to work. Ichigo will be just Kaien, Ganju will be 'Fat Operator Baka' or 'F.O.B.', Hanatarou will be 'Princess' and I will be 'King'."

"Princess kind of sounds nice," Hanatarou nodded. "I'm Princess!"

"And our team will be...'The Kuchiki Ghostbusters!' Wait no. 'The Watermelons...'." Byakuya pondered.

"The Magnificant Four?" Hanatarou offered.

"Don't encourage him, Hanatarou," Ichigo muttered.

"I know, we are..."'The Seireitei Superheroes!'" Byakuya raised up his fist. "I smell bad spirits!"

"..."

--

("The Watermelons" was a title I offered to my group when we couldn't think of a title for our poem.)