A/N: I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! YAY! And life is good again. Sorry. I'm not conceited much, am I? Oh well! I'm finally getting another chappie out! And as soon as I finish this one (which should take about five minutes) I'll be doing another chappie! Because I actually have ideas now! Bye bye writer's block!

Disclaimer: me no own, you no sue

Hermione's Deadly Secret By hyper squirrel

Hyper squirrel: Harry and Ron had noticed that Hermione had been slightly secretive lately. For example:

(in the library)

Harry: So, Hermy, whatcha readin'?

Hermione: Nothing. Why do you always suspect me? I don't even have a book in my hands!

Ron: Really? And the world as we know it has come to a screeching halt. HERMIONE's not reading? I think I'm gonna faint...

Hermione: You're not serious, are you?

Harry: I think he is...he's looking kinda pale...

(Ron faints)

Harry: See? I was right!

Hermione: So?

Hyper squirrel: okay, so that's enough of that. But why was Hermy acting so secretive? Harry decided to find out. Ron would have joined him, except that he was still unconscious in the hospital wing.

Harry: So, Hermy, what's up?

Hermione: Sky. Ceiling. Planets. Earth's atmosphere. Though I suppose that's down too, when you think of how the Earth is banana-shaped...

Harry: What? It's round...and I thought you were smart...No, I meant what's got you acting so secretive?

Hermione: Promise you won't tell?

Harry: Promise.

Hermione: Pinky swear?

Harry: Pinkies don't swear.

Hermione: Fine. Middle finger swear?

(They hook middle fingers for a second)

(Ron enters)

Hermione: (quietly) I've got a crush on Dumbledore.

Ron: Hey mates! Wait a minute... you have a crush on DUMBLEDORE?

(People nearby start whispering about Harry and how "I always knew he wasn't straight")

Ron: No, not Harry, Hermione.

(People start whispering about Hermione and how "I always knew she was a bad egg, that one")

Hermione: Thanks for announcing it to the whole world, Ron!

(Runs off, Dumbledore comes out)

Dumbledore: 2,4,6,8, that's the way we...something! Hey, where's Herm?

Ron: Herm?

Harry: She went that way. (points)

Ron: OH you meant Hermione!

(Dumbledore runs off, calling out for Hermione)

hyper squirrel: Later that day...well, at dinner to be precise...

Harry: Hey, look, Hermione's sitting up at the Head Table.

Ron: Hey, wow, she is! (pauses) Eww! Are she and Dumbledore doing what I think they're doing?

Harry: Well, what do you think they're doing?

Ron: Eating?

Harry: Ron, look around you. Everybody's doing that. Even you and me.

Ron: We're eating?

Harry: (nods)

Ron: Wow...this must be like rocket science or something...

Harry: (sarcastically) Yeah, Ron, rocket science...

Hyper squirrel: so that was Hermione's Deadly Secret.

Harry: That wasn't deadly.

Hyper squirrel: well, deadly secret sounded better than just plain old secret. And I get to write these stories, so I can make you do whatever I want! Anything at all!

Ron: Anything?

Hyper squirrel: anything.

Harry: prove it.

Hyper squirrel: okay. (concentrates really hard)

(Harry starts doing the chicken dance while singing "O Canada", Ron picks his nose while singing nasally "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too")

Hermione: Wow, you really can make them do anything.

Hyper squirrel: You too. And Dumbledore. (gets evil glint in her eyes)

Hermione: uh oh...

Hyper squirrel: (Very Loudly) Students and Teachers of Hogwarts, prepare to be disgusted!

(everybody looks)

(Hermione and Dumbledore start making out)

Entire Student (and Teacher) Population: EWWW....

Hyper squirrel: I told you you'd be disgusted. But did you listen to me? No, you didn't...

McGonagall: AHEM!

Hyper squirrel: sure, we can end this chappie here...okay...see you next time! Oh Harry...

(Harry comes over)

Harry: What?

Hyper squirrel: you know how I said I could make you do anything?

Harry: Yeah...what are you doing?

Hyper squirrel: Here...have some...MARSHMALLOWS!

Harry: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Hyper squirrel: hahahahahahahahaha I am having way too much fun with this!

A/N: Next time, expect...Snape to get a new hairstyle or two or three or four...Harry talks to himself...etc.!

And remember...

FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!

Ass-tronauts...