A/N: Umm...more hilarity from the crazy folks in this story. ok i am weird.

The Search for Harry's Pants

(Our favourite trio and hyper squirrel are all in the Three Broomsticks, drinking butterbeer. Duh.)

Hermione: I am sorry, but I have deceived you all.

Harry: Wonderful.

Ron: Ok.

hyper squirrel: Explain how.

Hermione: Well...I'm really a man.

(she takes off wig, women's clothing, etc.)

Ron: Oh good. For a while there I thought I was straight.

Harry: What?! You were attracted to Hermione? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! (bursts out crying)

(Ron comforts him)

Hermione: I'd appreciate it if you all called me Hermes from now on.

Hyper squirrel: (not paying attention, as something has caught her eye...) Whatever you say, Bob.

Hermi- I mean, HERMES: My NAME is HERMES.

Hyper squirrel: Harry, come with me a moment.

(they leave)

hyper squirrel: Harry, why are you wearing a skirt?

Harry: I like to get in touch with my feminine side.

hyper squirrel: Right. NOW TELL ME THE TRUTH, BOY!

Harry: And what if I don't?

hyper squirrel: Then I will pointlessly threaten the life of your secret lover with pointless threats I would never carry out as I don't want to go to jail and/or be executed.

Harry: You mean Malfoy?

hyper squirrel: No...I mean Ron...(mutters evilly) Haha...blackmail...

Harry: I lost my pants, okay?

hyper squirrel: No! You didn't! (falls over)

Harry: Not funny.

hyper squirrel: actually, yeah it is.

(they go back into the Three Wieners- I mean, Broomsticks and find Ron & HERMES making out. The place is deserted. Except for them. Duh.)

Harry: Ron?! How could you do this to me?

Ron: Harry! It's not what it seems!

Harry: Oh really. Could've fooled me.

Ron: It's ...uh...what it is...I mean...uh...SHE SEDUCED ME! (points to HERMES)

Harry: (hands on hips) Explain yourself, Hermio- I mean, HERMES.

HERMES: Uh...um...gotta go. Bye! (runs)

Ron: (calls after her) Why?

HERMES: Girl problems!

hyper squirrel: But you're a man!

Harry: No she isn't.

hyper squirrel: I know.

HERMES: (comes back) Why is it that none of you can accept the simple fact that I'm a man?

Harry: (holds up two fingers) Two words, Herm. Boo (puts down one finger) Bs. (puts down other finger)

(back in the Great Hall)

Dobby: (runs in) Big news, everyone!

(silence as everyone waits)

Harry: What is it, Dobby?

Dobby: (throws hands in the air) Today's the day we start a new roll of paper towels!

(the hall erupts in cheers)

(in the Gryffindor common room after dinner)

Ron: I'm in a playful mood. And when I'm in a playful mood, that can only mean one thing...

Harry: (hopeful) A trip to a broom closet?

Ron: (scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment) Chess by mail!

hyper squirrel: (sits up straight) Do you feel that? That's electricity in the air!

Harry: Guys, I've got a problem.

Seamus: (babbling) Oh great! I've got one too! We can be 'problem partners'! That's what my shrink says to do. To find someone more screed up than me! And-

Ginny: (skeptical) You have a shrink?

Seamus: Well, not any more. They had some budget cutbacks so they had to let me go. But I still have voices in my head. So they gave me a cell phone.

Dean: So you can call them whenever you need to?

Seamus: No, so I can talk into it when I'm answering the voices. That way I won't look crazy!

Harry: Has anyone seen my pants?

Rest: No.

Ron: But we'll help you help you look for them.

(hyper squirrel slaps him on the head)

Ron: (rubbing the back of his head) Ow! What was that for?

hyper squirrel: 'We'll help you look for them'? You numbnuts! We could search the whole castle for the pants and not find them! Hell, for all we know Voldie could have them!

Voldie: (pops up) How did you ever guess?

All: Wha?

Voldie: My evil plot for stealing Harry's pants! And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids! (throws pants at Harry, disappears in a puff of smoke)

Harry: My pants! (pauses) On second thought, I like the skirt better. (throws pants into the fire)

A/N: Tomorrow is Frodo & bilbo's birthday! september 22! yay!