A/N: this chappie has no harry, no ron, no hermione, i mean, hermes, no anybody like that. its only voldie, his death eaters, and hyper squirrel.
(in an abandoned monkey house at an abandoned zoo)
Voldie: Guys, I think we need a new secret hideout. People are starting to notice. (looks over his shoulder)
(people are staring & pointing)
(a monkey jumps on Snape & starts attacking him)
Snape: Apparently this zoo isn't as abandoned as we thought, Your Evilness.
Voldie: (angry) How many times must I tell you to call me 'Daddy'?!
Snape: (salutes) Yes, sir, Daddy!
Voldie: That's better, although I don't like your attitude. No allowance for you this week.
Snape: (crying) no! (begs) Please, Daddy, please let me have my allowance! I'll do anything!
Voldie: Anything?
(five minutes later)
Snape: This is really humiliating, but it's worth $5 allowance. (dancing in a tutu with a squirrel on his head)
(Voldie and the other Death Eaters are laughing their asses off)
Voldie: (chokes)
Lucius Malfoy (aka Lucy): (reaches down Voldie's throat)
Voldie: (chokes even more)
(Lucy pulls out a piece of monkey)
(Death Eaters look curiously at Voldie)
Voldie: (coughs) What? I got hungry.
Death Eaters: OH!
Voldie: So, anyways, we need a new hideout. Any suggestions?
Lucy: A decrepit old warehouse in London?
Voldie: Nah, that's too cliché.
Snape: My office at Hogwarts?
Voldie: Nah...have you seen those things you keep in there? (shudders) So slimy...
A Random 'Death Eater' Whom I Shall Call hyper squirrel: Under Hagrid's hut!
Voldie: It's perfect! We can dig a big hole under it, and nobody will ever know!
(later, at Hagrid's hut)
Voldie: Keep digging! (whips Lucy)
Lucy: Ow! (starts digging faster)
Wormtail: (whining) Daddy, my arms are tired!
Lucy: (cuts off Wormtail's leg with a shovel) Dig, you dumdum!
(Hagrid starts coming out of his house)
Voldie: Hide!
(everyone hides but Snape who didn't hear because he's listening to Britney Spears on his Walkman)
Snape: (singing) I still believe, still believe!
Hagrid: Perfesser Snape, whatcher doin' out 'ere?
Snape: (singing) I'm not that innocent!
Hagrid: (louder) Perfesser Snape, whatcher doin' out 'ere?
Snape: (singing) Hit me baby one more time! (sees Hagrid) Oh...uh...(takes off headphones) Hello. I'm just looking for some potion ingredients.
Hagrid: I'll help yeh! What're yeh lookin' fer?
Snape: Uh...um...(sees Wormtail peeking out of the forest) Leg of Wormtail!
(Hagrid pulls a leg from the ground)
Hagrid: Is this yer Leg o' Wormtail?
Snape: That's it.
Hagrid: Okay then. (goes back in his hut)
(Voldie & the other Death Eaters come out of hiding)
Voldie: Now keep digging!
Narrator With French Accent: Five hours later
(Death Eaters lean on their shovels, panting heavily. A huge hole is under Hagrid's hut)
Voldie: Okay, everybody in!
(they all go down the steps dug into the dirt)
Voldie: This place is too drab. It needs decorating.
Lucy: We need Trading Spaces!
Hyper squirrel: (whacks him on the head) You idiot! Who would we trade with?
Lucy: Um...
Snape: We need the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! (peers at Voldie) You are straight, aren't you?
Hyper squirrel: We need to go to Wal-Mart.
Death Eaters: Ok.
Voldie: I love it! Okay, now here's what we're going to do. I have some business to attend to in Hogsmeade. Lucy, I want you to get some of those butterflies that stick on the windows.
Lucy: Yes Daddy.
Voldie: Wormtail, I want you to get paint and wallpaper.
Wormtail: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Voldie: Bad boy! Pay attention! (spanks Wormtail) hyper squirrel, I want you to get some drop-dead gorgeous furniture.
Hyper squirrel: Of course, Daddy.
Voldie: And Snape, I want you to get a ping-pong table.
Snape: A ping-pong table?
Voldie: Yes, a ping-pong table. Now do as you're told or get a spanking.
Wormtail: Hey! You gave him a choice! You didn't give me a choice!
Voldie: Bad bad Wormtail! (spanks Wormtail)
Narrator With French Accent: Two hours later
(outside of Wal-Mart)
Voldie: Okay, you all know what you have to do, now do it! (disappears in a puff of smoke)
(Death Eaters go in)
(Wormtail is fascinated by the sliding doors)
Wormtail: Hee hee! These doors move! Just like magic!
(Death Eaters go their separate ways)
LUCY
Lucy: (walks past cosmetics counter) Ooh...makeup...look! I can get a makeover!
Narrator With French Accent: One hour later
Lucy: (emerges from cosmetics counter with clown makeup on his face) Wow! That was fun! Now what was it Daddy wanted me to get? Oh yeah! (runs off)
WORMTAIL
Wormtail: I think we should paint the furniture hyper squirrel gets in pink, blue, orange and puce. (gets paint in those colours) And a nice yellow and blue floral wallpaper. Yes!
SNAPE
Snape: (walking towards toy department) A ping-pong table? Merlin does he think we're immature? Childish?
(Lucy runs past in clown makeup & a floral pink frilly dress)
Snape: I stand corrected. (he gets to the toy section) Oh no, only one ping-pong table left. (picks it up, walks off)
Mrs. Weasley: (talking to cat) I'm sorry, Mittens, but there are no more ping-pong tables left. (sees Snape walking past carrying a ping-pong table) Hey! You! Yeah you! My cat wants that ping-pong table! So hand it over!
Snape: No!
Mrs. Weasley: (takes ping-pong table, runs off laughing maniacally)
Snape: Oh no! What will Daddy say? (grabs random thing)
HYPER SQUIRREL
hyper squirrel: I need furniture. (takes some furniture) That was easy.
VOLDIE
Voldie: (reclining in a squishy leather chair, smoking a doobie & eating toasted lemur heads) Haha those dweebs are doing all the work for me! Losers!
BACK THE NEW HQ
(the hole is decorated with the wallpaper, paint, & furniture)
Voldie: Hang on a sec. We have no windows.
Lucy: so stick the butterflies on the wall.
Voldie: Ok. (sticks butterfly on wall)
(it falls down)
Wormtail: it didn't work.
Lucy: Nice one, Captain Obvious.
Wormtail: Captain Obvious...I like it.
Hyper squirrel: Why not try it in French? Capitaine Evident?
Wormtail: (very bad French accent) Cap-ee-tin Ev-ee-don?
Hyper squirrel: um...yeah?
Wormtail: Okay, everyone please call me cap-ee-tin ev-ee-don ok?
Rest: Ok.
Voldie: Hey Snape, where's our ping-pong table?
Snape: Well, I was just carrying it out of the store when a band of ninjas came and karate-chopped it to pieces!
Voldie: so why didn't you go back and get another one?
Snape: uh...because...that was the last one and they're not getting a new shipment till Thursday.
Voldie: Dang. I'm in China on business on Thursday.
Snape: I did manage to get this though. I'm not quite sure what it is. (puts box on table)
Voldie: (reads slowly) Tro...jan? What the heck is a Trojan?
(hyper squirrel is laughing)
Voldie: What's so funny?
Hyper squirrel: I'm sure Albie could tell you what a Trojan is. (giggles)
Voldie: I still don't get it.
Hyper squirrel: read the rest of the label.
Voldie: (slowly) Strawberry...flavoured...ohmymerlin! (faints)
(hyper squirrel falls over from laughing so hard)
Rest: Huh?
Hyper squirrel: Are you dense? Did your parents drop you on your heads when you were little? Dress up as Barney and whack your heads with sticks?
Lucy: Alas, you've discovered my tragic past.
Hyper squirrel: Right. They're condoms.
Death Eaters: Oh. Haha? Funny?
Hyper squirrel: you people have no sense of humour.
Voldie: okay, now we have a hideout, we need an evil plan.
Worm- I mean, Cap-ee-tin Ev-ee-don: I thought you were dead!
Voldie: No, dipshit, I fainted from shock.
Capitaine Evident: Oh. I don't get it.
Voldie: back to the evil plan. Any ideas?
Snape: I suggest we use a Polyjuice potion to turn one of us into Ron Weasley and lure Harry into the Astronomy Tower, where we attack him and bring him to our hideout.
Lucy: I suggest we turn Harry's toothbrush into an illegal Portkey to Iceland, then take it. From Iceland, we take another illegal Portkey to King's Cross, where we board the Hogwarts Express and get off at Hogsmeade. Once there, we tunnel into Hogwarts, take Dumbledore hostage, and have Harry and Daddy duel.
Voldie: I like Lucy's plan.
Hyper squirrel: Let's do it next month.
Rest: Okay.
