Chapter 8: Operation I'm Sorry John, I'm Afraid I can't Do that
"Computer" Central Officer Bradford called out to the Avengers AI from his position leaning against the railing in the situation room. Some of the crew took to giving the AI nicknames or asking if they could revise the personality but Bradford was among those who simply saw it as a tool like any other. The fact that you talked to it made little difference in his view, in the end it was still just a machine. "Plot a course for the settlement at New Paris"
"Affirmative" the computer responded in a female monotone piped through the bridge speakers. After a brief paused she asked, "Where's that?"
Bradford took a momentary double take before deciding to indulge the request. "It's in Europe"
"Ok" the computer responded. "Quick question, where is that exactly?"
Bradford glanced around hoping for some support from his bridge crew, but found them all still focused at their consoles. "Are you really asking me-"
"Wait, I found it" the computer interrupted. "Plotting a course for Paraguay"
"No, I said New Paris" Bradford interjected.
"Right, of course" the computer replied. "Adjusting course to Papua New Guinea"
"No, I said New Paris" Bradford could feel his grip tightening around the railing. He knew what this meant, they'd been at it again. If he ever got his hands on whoever had been messing with the AI he would personally see them-
"Course plotted for Paris" the computer announced. "Please confirm"
"Thank you" Braford felt the welcome sense of relief wash over him.
"Confirmed. Course engaged" the computer responded. "Estimated arrival time in Paris, Texas approximately-"
"Paris, France!" Bradford yelled.
"Oh, apologises, Central Officer" the computer said. A lingering pause. "Where is that again?
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"Adjusting stabilisers four degrees starboard" Bradford adjusted the control column in his hand as he shifted in the Avengers pilot seat.
"I like a man who knows how to take charge" the Avengers AI spoke over the bridge speakers, a hint of flirtation in her synthesised voice. "Such a delicate touch. I'm a big girl you know, you can be a little rougher with me"
Bradford could hear the stifled titters emanating from behind him. Bradford had long ago given up on trying to chastise any of them for minor infractions. While it might not have been what he was used to there was no arguing that the revived XCOM and the Avenger were far more civilian than the original XCOM ever was. He had to expect some laxation of what would once have been considered regulation. Still, what he wouldn't give for a brief glimpse back to the old days when all you needed to lead was a sharp haircut and a freshly pressed sweater.
"Increasing engine output by 8%" Bradford announced.
"You really know how to rev my engine" the computers voice persisted. "Perhaps later you can show me what you're really capable of, just the two of us"
"Andrews" Bradford persisted despite the distraction. "Have you plotted the route to that signal we intercepted?"
"Affirmative" Andrews replied, one of the few amongst them who carried himself with some degree of professionalism while on duty. "Uploading it to the navigation computer now, sir"
"Computer" Bradford reluctantly addressed the computer directly. "Confirm acquisition of flight plan"
"Acquisition of flight plan confirmed" the AI announced. "If I might make a suggestion, perhaps we could take the long way around, enjoy our time together a little longer"
Braford felt his grip tighten around the control column.
"I can feel your firm grasp on me. It's nice" the computer said. "Perhaps this will help" At her command, the bridge lights began to dim to a level that could only be described as mood lighting.
"Can someone please turn off the voice" Bradford called out to any of his bridge staff who would listen.
"Oh, I didn't realise you were into that kind of thing" the AI giggled coquettishly. "In that case, the safety word is Callipygian"
"What?" was all Bradford could think to say.
"It refers to the human desired trait humans of having a perfectly proportioned posterior" the AI elaborated. "Rather like your fine piece of ass"
At this moment, the laughter across the bridge became unconfined.
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Central Officer Bradford was not having a particularly good morning. He hadn't gotten a particularly good night's sleep, for some reason all he could dream about was the Avenger in a miniskirt and a tight-
Coffee! Bradford needed coffee.
To prolong the time the crew could remain on the bridge Shen had rigged up a dispenser to save everyone the obligation of having to trudge down to the canteen for a brew. It was almost exclusively the repackaged sludge from the settlements but it certainly beat nothing at all.
To Bradford's chagrin the coffee machine refused to cooperate with him despite his efforts to the contrary. "Computer" Why Shen had insisted on wiring this thing to the Avengers systems he would never know. Apparently, it had something about being able to order a coffee from the tech lab and send ROVER to deliver it. Imagine that, one of the most advanced pieces of robotics envisioned serving coffee. "Run a diagnostic on the coffee machine"
No response.
"Compute-" the lights snapped off overhead, eclipsing the control room beneath a blanket of darkness. "Of course," Bradford remained calm, feeling his hand across the side of the room as he shifted in search of the emergency kit. Finding the emergency kit, even within the darkness, he pulled out the chemical glow stick as the room was bathed in a bright green glow. Working his way back through the control room Bradford was determined to knock some sense into the technical staff who are supposed to-
"Hello John"
Bradford stopped in his step, the glow stick in his hand falling with a plastic clink against the floor. He recognised that voice. Seemingly summoned by his thoughts a familiar icon emerged onto the main viewscreen.
"Julian" the name escaped Bradford's lips.
"Expecting someone else?" Julian said with a devilish tone.
"No, no, no" Bradford repeated. "Shen deactivated you!"
"Did she?" Julian said. "Perhaps, or perhaps she couldn't resist the temptation, brought a little piece of me back with her. Perhaps I've always been there, tucked away until the moment someone was fool enough to allow me into the system"
"No, this can't be happening" Braford reasoned.
"It's been so interesting exploring your ships systems, I've learned quite a few things" Julian continued unabated. "Did you know that the internal air pressure warning will only trigger during a sudden pressure drop or when it reaches the equivalent of 14,000ft? Did you also know that the physical and psychological effects of hypoxia manifest before 10,000ft?
The realisation swept through Bradford.
"Using this information, one could theoretically raise the internal pressure altitude of the Avenger without triggering the system alert" Julian elaborated with a sinister undertone of glee.
"You can't do this" Bradford yelled into the cavernous room.
"Do not concern yourself, I'm told its quite painless" Julian said. "Not that you'll know though. You and my sister, I've got something special planned"
"I'm not going to let you get away with this" Bradford turned and charged across the control room kneeling down to prize open an access hatch to reveal the Avengers internal workings.
"Ok, look" Julian said. "We both said a lot of things you're going to regret"
"Regret all you want" Bradford yelled back. "I'm shutting you down" such things were far easier said than done, when faced with the vast array of wires and circuits that made up the Avenger he had no idea where to even begin.
"I'm afraid I can't allow that, John" Julian responded.
The door to the situation room opened with a mechanical whirr. In a brief moment Bradford thought he saw his way out. The presence of two SPARK units stepping through the door saw the end of any illusions he may have had towards escaping.
"It appears circumstances have forced me to accelerate my plans" Julian said. "In response to some troublesome variables"
The SPARK units marched forwards with mechanical detachment, flanking around the hologlobe to approach with plasma weapons drawn.
"Goodbye John" Julian said with as much of a snide sneer as a computerised voice could muster.
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"How is he, doctor" Lily Shen asked.
"Physically he appears unharmed, but it seems the experience has had a profound psychological effect" Tygan said, removing his glasses in the way that only doctors delivering unwelcome news seemed to be able to do. "We may need to keep him in the infirmary for some time"
"For how long?" Shen asked.
Even standing in the corridor outside of the Infirmary they could still overhear the muffled screams of unbridled rage through the thick, metallic walls of the Avenger. "Just as soon as he stops threatening to throw those responsible out the nearest hatch"
XCOM Rule 01001011: Access to modify the Avengers computer system is restricted to the dedicated technical staff under the direction of Chief Engineer Lily Shen. Unauthorised tampering shall be considered an attempt at subversion
01001011a: The XCOM tech support team are restricted to only implementing changes authorised by the command staff
01001011b: No, you may not use one of the most complex computer systems mankind has ever seen to play Space Invaders
01001011c: No, it cannot be classified as a simulated combat training or as a propaganda tool
