Chapter 23: Operation XCOM Lark
Ladies and Gentlemen, we present the XCOM Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, John Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.
We all have our problems in life. But for Commander Shaw, Council overseer of the XCOM initiative, his can all be summarised by a certain project hidden underground out of view of his satellites. What makes the situation even more maddening is that even though he can't see they're up to something, he knows they are.
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"Commander Povey here to see you sir" the aide spoke over Shaw's communicator sitting open on his desk.
"Oh lord, what does Old Thunderguts want now?" Shaw asked aloud.
"I'm sorry sir?" the aide queried.
"I mean, did Commander Povey give any indication as to the reason for his visit?" Shaw was quick to clarify.
"No, Old Thunderguts didn't say so" the aide replied.
"Very well, send him in" Shaw ordered.
"Yes sir" the aide replied.
"Wonder what sort of monumental clanger I've got myself in for this time" Shaw mused.
The door to Commander Shaw's office opened, in stepped the large frame of Commander Povey. "Good morning Shaw" Povey said by way of introduction. "I've come about this requisition form you submitted to my office which I can only assume was some form of ill-conceived joke"
"Well-" Shaw attempted to interject.
"I happen to take my duty to the Council rather seriously" Povey continued unabated. "And I was in two minds about whether to pass this along to the Captain to let him take whatever action he saw fit. However, I try to be a fair man, so I've decided to see if you have some sort of reasonable explanation first"
"The thing is-" Shaw added.
"So, what have you got to say for yourself?" Povey finished.
"Um, good morning Povey" Shaw replied cheerily.
"Oh, never mind good morning" Povey dismissed. "What about this ridiculous indent form you sent to my office?"
"Well I want a jeep to take me to inspect the XCOM facility on Friday" Shaw clarified.
"Really? Well from the way you filled out my form I would never have known" Povey replied.
"Like what?" Shaw asked.
"Well take a look at this one" Povey reached into his jacket and retrieved the tablet with the offending requisition. "Reason for why vehicle is requested: It's too flaming far to walk"
"Well it is" Shaw assured him.
"But in the next section you really excelled yourself. 'How long do you expect to be after departure: About 5' 10" as usual'" Povey returned the tablet to his jacket pocket. "That being said, it has become rather something of a moot point. I've just been informed of a change which makes such a request unnecessary"
"Why is that, Povey?" Shaw asked.
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"It is to be an auspicious time" Lieutenant Price announced from his place sitting behind his desk. "Today is the day one of the great and good shall be bidding farewell to this place"
"Oh, really sir, what time is your leaving party?" asked Sub-lieutenant Phillips standing in front of him.
"Not me" Price was quick to clarify. "It's Commander Shaw's last inspection and I'm sure he'll be eager to perform a thorough review prior to handing over to his successor"
"Chief Operations Officer Pertwee won't like that at all" Phillips interjected.
"Well then Chief Operations Officer Pertwee will just have to lump it" Price responded. "He never quite seemed to grasp the idea that the purpose of project stores is to equip the project. This as opposed to being one big department store of which he is the sole proprietor. Commander Shaw has expressed particular interest in reviewing our air fleet. I expect he would be less than impressed for his last inspection to be presiding over a few bits of scrap metal, an old revolver and a Chief Operations Officer"
"In that case I best get down there and make sure we still some" Phillips replied.
"Very good" Price agreed. "And I don't know what it is or what it may be, but I suggest that whatever it is you instruct Officer Pertwee to stop it, to hide it AND put it back"
"I'll be sure to make it clear, sir" Phillips replied as he hurried out of the office towards the stores.
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Things had not exactly turned out how he had expected for Squaddie Adam Johnson. Out of all the tasks in all the departments in XCOM assisting in the stores was not what Johnson had expected to be assigned to.
Johnson knocked on the door to the stores.
"Stores closed, try again tomorrow. Goodbye!" was the reply which came from the other side of the door.
"It's Squaddie Johnson" Johnson called out.
"I don't care if its King Kong, bugger off!"
"I've got to report here" Johnson clarified.
The door to the stores opened. "On whose authority?" Pertwee asked.
"Number One, Chief" Johnson said. "He says I'm to help you in the stores"
"That's where you're wrong, Johnson" Pertwee retorted. "In these stores Chief Pertwee helps himself"
"Yeah" Johnson laughed. "The other guys in my squad told me about you"
"Oh yeah" Pertwee inquired. "What did they say?"
"Watch him" Johnson replied flatly.
"And too right you should" Pertwee said. "Because horrible little Squaddies that get on the wrong side of Chief Operations Officer Pertwee are liable never to be heard from again. Except in tiny bits"
Pertwee ushered Johnson inside the stores.
"Well if you're going to be here you might as well make yourself useful" Pertwee dug through the stacks of digital tablets he had piled on his desk. "Take this and deliver those crates of laser rifles down to dispatch" Pertwee handed across the tablet and pointed to the crates stacked against the bulkhead. "They're en-route to Clapped Out Film Studios"
"Is that another XCOM store?" Johnson asked.
"You could say that" Pertwee replied. "In fact, if anyone asks, it is. I've come to a little arrangement with the Director to supply the special effects for his production"
"Are you sure that's safe?" Johnson asked. "Aren't these rather dangerous?"
"They may be if the power cells on them weren't so worn they're now little more than laser pointers" Pertwee assured him. "Just don't look directly at them when they fire, and you should be fine"
"Ah, good morning Chief" Phillips voice carried in from the entrance to the stores.
"Ah, Mr Phillips sir" Pertwee greeted the Sub-Lieutenant.
"You're getting careless Chief; the door was left open" Phillips said. "Usually you need six keys, a passcode and a battering ram just to get in"
"Well, Squaddie Johnson must have left it open" Pertwee stared daggers across at Johnson.
"I'd be more careful, Johnson" Phillips warned. "Otherwise you're liable to suddenly disappear, never to be heard of again, except in tiny bits" Phillips turned to Pertwee. "Now Chief, an inspection party is due in tomorrow and Commander Shaw has expressed particular interest in our aircraft fleet"
"We have an aircraft fleet?" Johnson asked. "I've never seen any"
"And neither has anyone else" Phillips clarified. "We used to have quite a lot of it at one point. It was about the time you were assigned to the project wasn't it Chief?" Phillips looked across with a knowing look. "Have them ready for inspection at 1600 this afternoon" Phillips departs the stores. "Grand morning isn't it"
"Yeah, grand morning" Pertwee bemoaned, returning to his desk. "Now where did they go, where did I send them?"
"You trying to remember what operations they're assigned on?" Johnson asked.
"Something like that" Pertwee clarified. "Let's see. One of them's doing package tours over the South Pacific. My uncles got another one at his flying school in Iceland. Then there's one doing crop dusting in Micronesia. Now, the Skyranger, where's the Skyranger? Ah, I remember"
Pertwee accessed the secure communication line.
"Herbert Pertwee, Pertwee Logistics" came the voice on the line. "How may we help-"
"Oi, Monkey" Pertwee spoke. "It's Johnsy. Look, I've got to have that transport back"
"It's just off on a job delivering a shipment" Monkey replied. "It won't be back for hours"
"It will if you do a low fly pass over the runway and open the back" Pertwee suggested.
"But there's six tonnes of industrial rubber in it" Monkey replied.
"No problem" Pertwee assured him. "It'll bounce"
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Phillips glanced up from his terminal to be greeted by the sight of Lieutenant Price as he returned from his pre-inspection in the hanger.
"How did the inspection go, sir?" Phillips greeted.
"Irregular would be an understatement" Price took his seat at his desk. "In the space of the first five minutes I noted the faint smell of pesticides, a student's handbook in Icelandic and leaflets advertising the top sights to visit in Peru. But I'm afraid that isn't the half of it. I'm officially initiating a Code Dumbo, pilots dropped their magic feather"
"Why's that sir?" Phillips asked.
"We're missing a Firestorm" Price replied.
"Really, sir?" Phillips queried.
"Yes, and for once I'm not sure Officer Pertwee knows where it is either" Price clarified. "When I pointed out to him we were one short he seemed genuinely surprised"
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"Where is it? Where's it got to! That's what I want to know" Pertwee bemoaned as he continued to pace the length and breadth of the stores office. "It can't have just flown off all on its own. I hate to say it Johnson, but it seems someone round here, is dishonest"
"Are you sure you didn't lend it to anyone?" Johnson asked by way of contribution to the situation.
"Watch your tongue" Pertwee chided. "Officer Pertwee never lends anything, he rents them at affordable prices. But never that one. I always make sure to keep at least one on hand, that way everyone just assumes the others out for refit or training or something. So how could I have lost one?"
"Well to be fair it is a stealth aircraft" Johnson replied.
"It could be anywhere" Pertwee continued to pace ceaselessly.
"Can't we just say it was out chasing a UFO contact?" Johnson asked.
"Great idea" Pertwee replied coarsely. "And where exactly are we going to procure the UFO wreckage to explain that? If we admit we let one of those things escape, we'll have had it"
"We could just say it was a weather balloon" Johnson suggested.
"Same problem" Pertwee replied. "They'll have us filling out endless forms until the Council can be convinced it really was just a weather balloon. They'll then arrange a subcommittee to debate whose weather balloon it was and who needs to chip in for the wear and tear costs"
"Well couldn't we request another one be flown in from another facility?" Johnson asked. "Mark it as a training exercise"
"That'll take weeks to arrange" Pertwee countered. "We'll never be able to-" An idea emerged into Pertwees mind in an instant. "But there's nothing to say we can't just BUILD one ourselves"
"Build one?" Johnson asked.
"I'm not saying it needs to fly anywhere" Pertwee replied. "Get a notepad"
Johnson searched the assorted clutter for a blank tablet.
"Right, what do we need" Pertwee considered. "Fuselage, Elerium Core, Navigation Display, assorted alloys…"
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Commander Povey inspected his watch as the jeep turned onto the dirt track leading deeper into the rugged hillscape.
"I really don't see what you were so concerned about Commander Shaw" Povey said. "We've made good time, and everything seems to be in order thus far"
"Well they haven't shot at us yet" Shaw replied offhandedly, sitting in the seat beside him.
"Haven't SHOT at us?" Povey asked, dumbfounded. "What the blazes are you talking about?"
"They call it 'Gunnery Practice'" Shaw explained. "It's pretty dangerous too, they're damn bad shots"
"Then it's about time an officer who knew what he was doing took charge here" Povey replied.
"He might know what they were doing on the way in, but I guarantee he won't on the way out" Shaw said.
"We'll just have to see won't we" Povey assured him, only stiffened in his resolve to get to the bottom of what had been going on here.
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"Come on Johnson" Pertwee encouraged. "Just one more panel and then you can have your breakfast"
Johnson heaved, slumping heavily against the wall as his feet finally gave out beneath him. "I can't go on" he moaned breathlessly.
"Nonsense" Pertwee countered. "Just a few more panels and then you can start loading the Elerium Core"
"I never thought that one man could build an alien fighter craft in one night" Johnson mused as he stared at his half-finished creation.
"Frankly neither did I" Pertwee replied. "Which is why I took other precautions"
"You what?" Johnson asked.
"I've arranged for a craft from one of the other bases to be doing endurance testing around here" Pertwee replied. "With any luck he'll be stopping here to refuel at just the time that the inspections due"
"You mean I've been building this one for nothing!" Johnson challenged.
"Of course not" Pertwee countered. "The others just a precaution"
"A precaution against what?" Johnson asked.
"In case you drop dead" Pertwee replied. "Now come on, the inspection party is due soon so get back to it"
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"Commander, inspection party is en-route" the watch officer announced.
"Oh lord, commence 'Gunnery Practice' immediately!" Price ordered from his position across the Situation Room.
"Oh, bad luck sir. It seems they're already inside the cordon" Phillips observed on the main viewscreen.
"Indeed, they are" Price acknowledged with a dejected sigh. "It seems we will have to face them today after all"
"It's a shame really after all the work we did to make an impression with Commander Shaw and suddenly they decide to bring in this new chap" Phillips pondered.
"Perhaps it's BECAUSE we made such an impression on Commander Shaw the Council concluded it was time for a bit of a reshuffle" Price concluded. "Still, it doesn't preclude us from making another impression on his replacement. I seem to recall that Commander Shaw took some persuading in the beginning"
"I don't know sir, after we shot at him a few times he soon got the message" Phillips replied.
"Indeed" Price agreed. "Well, we'd better get down there and meet them before anything else-"
A loud rumble permeated through the underground cavern accompanied by flecks of displaced dust descending from the rafters above.
"Sir" Phillips spoke. "Did you remember to call off that 'Gunnery Practice'?"
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"Again, I do apologise Commander Povey" Price assured them as he led the inspection party through the corridor. "My watch officer mistook you for a Major General and I of course ordered the customary salute"
"Lieutenant, let me make this perfectly clear" Povey replied. "Whether you call it 'Gunnery Practice', a 21-gun salute, or popping a few off to celebrate Chinese New Year know that I will not be shot at again!"
"Duly noted, sir" Price replied. "Shall we begin the tour"
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Phillips returned to the XCOM Command Office, his search for the missing Firestorm so far proving fruitless.
"Where have you been?" Heather, one of the XCOM administrators, asked.
"Still on the prowl for that missing Firestorm" Phillips answered.
"Any luck?" Heather asked.
"Not so much as a strange flicker in the night sky" Phillips said. "It makes you wonder where it could possibly be hiding. Regardless, someone is going to get it when it does turn up. The only people authorised to dispatch them are the Commander, Lieutenant Price and myself but-"
The realisation struck Phillips in an instant. "Heather, you remember when you first arrived here, and I took you on that sightseeing tour over the Alps. We landed at that lovely little Ski Chalet for drinks, how did we get back to the base?"
"Well we were driven by-" the realisation quickly dawned on Heather. "Oh"
"Yes" Phillips affirmed. "I forgot it. The ships still up a mountain. It must be parched, I mean, parked. I best get up there before-"
Phillips was quick in his dash towards the office door.
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Leading the inspection party around the base Price directed them past the engineering workshops, laboratories and maintenance facilities. It was almost inevitable that the inspection would reach the hanger eventually.
"And here we have the hanger" Price announced as they stepped into the cavernous bay, the carved walls rising high above their heads to accommodate the ships and their necessary support equipment. "And over here is our Skyranger and Firestorm fleet, all present and correct"
"Indeed" Shaw stepped forward to inspect them. "Although I have to say that one looks a bit shabby"
"Shabby, sir?" Price asked.
"Yes, the one at the end with all the bits hanging off it" Shaw pointed towards the offending Firestorm.
"Well, I can explain sir" Pertwee interjected. "That particular one is currently undergoing repairs. You see-"
The hanger door above opened with a mechanical whirr. The light beaming down on them overcast by the silhouette of a Firestorm as it descended to land in the hanger. The hatch opened as the pilot stepped out, snapping a salute to the assembled group.
"Flight Lieutenant Mathews reporting" the pilot said. "All present and correct"
"Why is there suddenly an extra one?" Shaw asked.
"A demonstration for the Commanders last inspection of proper Firestorm docking technique" Price was quick to clarify.
"Oh" Shaw seemed satisfied with the explanation. "Well I suppose-"
The hanger bay doors opened once again. Another Firestorm descended into the hanger. Phillips stepped out of the Firestorm and saluted. "Sub-lieutenant Phillips reporting, all present and-" Phillips looked around and noticed the number of craft. "Why are there two extra Firestorms?"
"What the blazes is going on here?" Povey demanded.
"He's right" Shaw interjected. "There's definitely something wrong here"
"What might that be sir?" Price asked.
"The one in pieces, and the other two which just descended on us all have the same callsign painted on them" Shaw pointed out. "That will need to be rectified"
"You're quite right, sir" Price agreed. "How very astute of you"
XCOM Rule 727: XCOM personnel are no longer permitted to conduct 'Gunnery Practice' at inspecting officers.
XCOM Rule 728: XCOM personnel are no longer permitted to undertake extended parodies of classic radio programmes.
