Charlotte's Sequel
Chapter II
The Boy who Cried MOOSE!
Nabiki came downstairs to see what all the commotion was about. She frowned when she saw that Akane and Ryoga were just talking to someone at the door. She'd expected a ninja attack or something.
"Who is that?" Nabiki asked.
"Why, I am Yoshimi Harume, age seventeen and three quarters, daughter of Kotaro Harume." Yoshimi bowed her head. Nabiki noticed the trademark pink ninja bodyguard of the Harume family. She frowned. From Ryoga's reluctance to meet with her, and his and horrifying description of her, Nabiki had been expecting something a little uglier, and much less polite. Yoshimi was cute! No, that was wrong. Her face was cute, her body was just plain fantastic, she had perfect curves, so perfect even Nabiki could recognize it, her chest would be enough to satisfy most mortal men, her legs went on for miles, her skin looked smooth and slightly tanned, she was a super model kind of girl!
She was *almost* as pretty as Nabiki!
"I have come, because I learned that my fiancee, Ryoga, was in town, I wanted to see him." Yoshimi explained, "I do hope I am not interrupting anything . . ."
"Not at all." Kasumi smiled.
"But Kasumi, weren't you about to tell me something?" Nabiki asked.
"That can wait." Kasumi said cheerfully. Then she whispered to Nabiki, "Your greatest rival in love is here, it is time for you to crush her. I'll go make some poisoned cookies. When I serve them, don't eat the green ones."
Nabiki blinked. "You've been hanging around Lotion too much! I've got goddess powers, I can handle this."
"Actually," Kasumi said out loud, "Diao Chan wasn't a goddess, she's simply styled one in some circles, she was actually just some girl who whored herself out to two of the greatest tyrants of the time." Kasumi informed Nabiki. "Also, she's believed to not even have existed at all."
"Wow . . . I've got the soul of a possibly fictional girl from ancient China with questionable morality . . . why does that turn me on?" Nabiki asked.
Kasumi sighed, and shook her head.
Nabiki went up to Yoshimi and invited her in, "I'm so sorry, you must think us very rude!"
"Not at all, I understand that discussing the souls of goddesses is rather important work." Yoshimi smiled. "And actually no one can question Diao Chan's existence since her grave was found some time ago."
"That grave could belong to anyone." Ryoga observed.
"Oh, of course it could, I'm sorry, darling." Yoshimi lowered her head a bit.
'Wow, she's rich, cute, sexy, and submissive.' Nabiki blinked. 'What doesn't Ryoga like about her? Heck, I'm about ready to marry her!'
"Uh . . . y'know I really think . . . that Ranma should meet you, Yoshimi . . . I'll go get him." Ryoga bolted for the door, Akane slammed it shut.
"Not a chance, you're going to face your problem like a rampaging bull, grab it by the horns, and show it that you're the boss!" Akane said.
Ryoga stared at Akane as if he were trying to fathom what the heck she meant.
"Akane, don't you think perhaps you're overreacting just a bit?" Kasumi offered at last.
"But he's supposed to marry Nabiki!" Akane protested.
"So, you love Ryoga darling too?" Yoshimi asked, looking Nabiki up and down.
"Huh? Well yes, I'm his fiancee." Nabiki said simply.
"Aha . . . I don't know if that's legal anymore." Yoshimi pointed out. "Having more than one wife, I mean."
"Well . . . who said he'd have two?" Nabiki asked frostily. "If he's married to me . . . there's no one else."
"Well . . . I too am his fiancee." Yoshimi pointed out a little nervously.
"You don't say . . ." Nabiki said, straining not to use her powers to convince the girl to kill herself.
Ryoga watched the scene nervously. His fiancee, and his worst nightmare! Incidentally both girls were in fact his fiancee, and his worst nightmare. But he only needed one of the former, he could, but preferred not to, live with two of the latter.
But then there was a loud sound, and the door exploded, a huge moose charged into the room, and bucked Ryoga into the next floor.
"Yay!" He cried. "A momentary distraction!" He leapt down and glared up at the moose. "Alright moose, this town ain't big enough for the two of us!" He said, pointing a challenging index finger at it, "I'm giving you to the count of five to get out of my sight. One . . . two . . . three . . . fo–AHH!" The moose rammed him and he flew into a large tree in the back yard.
He glared at the Moose. "I wont have any of that!" He warned. "Prepare to die, moose!"
"RRROWF!" A huge German Shepherd appeared at Ryoga's side, and barked in agreement.
"Aww not you again!" Ryoga groaned. The dog licked his hand.
"C'mon Ryoga, don't be a jerk, it's just a wild animal." Nabiki said.
"Yes, and it must be taken to the nearest shelter, immediately, with the utmost care. I'll take it myself, you girls stay here and entertain Yoshimi. Make sure to introduce her to Ranma." Ryoga decided, dissolving the fighting stance.
The moose rushed forward and trampled him, Mercedes the dog sort of gave a wheezing, barking laugh.
Ryoga had been hit with rocks, he'd been burned alive, he'd put up with Yoshimi as a child, this moose was NOTHING! "That's enough of that!" Ryoga cried, throwing the moose into the air, it flew up several feet, and came back down, Mercedes rushed forward and tackled it in midair, the moose flew back and slammed into the concrete street, Ryoga leapt onto the roof and charged after the moose, it came up, antlers bared, it rammed him right back into the tree, leaving a hole in the Tendo house roof.
Everyone else just watched, actually Ryoga was pretty sure he heard popcorn in the microwave.
"You know, I didn't know Ryoga darling had a dog!" Yoshimi said. "Not like that, my spies tell me he has a smaller black and white dog."
"He does." Akane said, "Mercedes isn't really his dog, more like a stray that wont leave him alone."
"Actually Mercedes didn't bother us when we were out traveling around, the dog's residence is obviously Japan, I'd forgotten all about it." Nabiki noted. "Wait . . . did you say spies?"
"Yes, how did you suppose I knew Ryoga darling had come back here? Did you think my appearance was a coincidence?"
"Well . . . my hat's off to them, they work fast." Kasumi said.
"We pay them well." Yoshimi smiled. The ninja guard coughed, Yoshimi frowned at him and he stood at attention.
"Well I've got five hundred yen, twelve pounds and two dollars on Male Servant." Lotion said.
"I'll take that and raise you two hundred yen for the moose." Akane said.
"If you want to bet, you give your bets to me." Nabiki said. "I'm offering two to one odds in favor of Ryoga and Mercedes."
"Oh yeah? Then put my various monies on the moose!" Lotion said.
"I'll put a thousand down on the moose." Akane decided.
"You realize that if no one bets for Ryoga, you could be out a lot of money." Kasumi pointed out.
"You," Nabiki said, pointing to Yoshimi's pink ninja servant, "Five hundred thousand for Ryoga?"
"Huh? But I only make five hundred yen every two years."
"Really? Dad used to give me that for allowance, your job bites." Akane noted.
"Five . . . hundred . . . thousand . . . here's your ticket." Nabiki said cheerfully.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi scolded.
"I'm just kidding." Nabiki sighed, she let Kasumi rip the thing up. "So Kasumi, what was it you were trying to tell me?"
"Huh? Oh . . . well . . . Lotion and I have an announcement."
"You're getting married!" Akane cried. "I knew you were a–"
"Actually no." Kasumi sighed. "We've decided . . . to open up our own restaurant."
"You've what?" Nabiki frowned. "That's just dumb."
"Dumb like a moose, Nabiki, dumb like a moose." Kasumi said sweetly, quoting one of Ryoga's mother's favorite comebacks.
"Don't remind me of *that* woman, please!" Nabiki cried. She and Ryoga's mother hadn't quite gotten along.
"It'll be great. Lotion can bake weird cookies that for some reason taste good, and are highly addictive. I can cook just about anything else, best of all since she's an assassin she can go around and scare our competition, killing the executives and crippling their businesses, leaving them ripe for absorption. We'd make a fortune. Besides, we were hoping you'd use your mind tricks to make people come down." Kasumi said. It wasn't the words she said that shocked and sort of scared Nabiki, so much as the calm way that she said them.
"I fully encourage young women to start their own businesses." Yoshimi smiled. "I have a business of my own . . . had . . . it went under . . . I had to fire all my employees . . . I put some people out on the streets and had to pay through my own pocket for new housing for them since it was part of their working contract . . . and in the end I got fined for breaking many laws. Of course compared to my father's fortune my debt was like a man taking a single glass of salt water from the ocean."
"Uh-huh . . ." Nabiki scratched her head and decided to resist to urge to ask Yoshimi what her business had been. "What sort of food were you going to be serving, Kasumi?"
"Pizza. And when we do a delivery, I get shot out of a giant cannon!" Lotion cried.
"Uh . . . I said we'd talk about that." Kasumi said.
"Actually, I'd like to see her shot out of a cannon." Nabiki observed. "I'd give you a big tip if the pizza actually survived the flight."
"So would I." Akane said. "I'd pay just to see it."
"Me too, what are we talking about?" Ranma asked. "Oh, Nabiki, howzit goin'? So, what'd I miss?"
"Nothing, Ryoga is just fighting the moose you were too much of a coward to take on." Akane said.
"Oh yeah? Well I got a stinkin' shot 'cause of that dumb animal!" Ranma sighed. "Didn't even get a sucker or anything either, the doctor just gave me this prescription. Put a thousand yen down on Ryoga!"
Nabiki shook her head. "Ranma . . . Ranma, Ranma, Ranma . . ."
"Ranma, get out there and help Ryoga!" Akane cried, shoving him forward.
"AHH! I don't want another shot!" Ranma cried, grabbing and holding onto Akane's arm.
"Go and die!" Akane cried. Ranma latched onto her arms.
"Don't let me go! Don't send me away! I loves you baby!" Ranma cried desperately.
"R-really?" Akane asked.
"Never–er I mean yes!" Ranma cried, then he slapped some hand cuffs on her wrist and his, binding him to her. "I love you so much, I cant stand to part from you!"
"Oh Ranma . . ." Akane gasped longingly, then her brain managed to form a thought for the first time in years. "Hey! Wait a minute! Ranma, you jerk!"
"Where'd you get those?" Nabiki asked, trying not to sound as curious as she really was. What exactly did Akane and Ranma do in their spare time?
"Oh uh . . . Kodachi . . . let me borrow them . . ." Ranma said.
"Kodachi?" Akane cried.
"Holy Snails, it hurts!" Ryoga cried.
"Are you going to help him or not?" Akane demanded.
"Well that depends . . . you coming with me?" Ranma asked.
"Hmm . . . uh . . ."
"I think Ryoga is doing just fine." Nabiki said.
"I agree." Akane nodded.
Some Time Later
Ryoga ducked, and rolled, the moose brought it's head low and tried to ram him. Ryoga dove and let Mercedes tackle the moose instead.
"Hmm . . . they work pretty well together." Nabiki said.
"When the dog is not trying to eat him." Lotion agreed, examining the miniature statue of liberty Ryoga had gotten her. "Is this a weapon?"
Nabiki sighed and shook her head. Akane showed up with a bowl of popcorn. "Any winner yet?"
"Give me that." Nabiki scoffed, snatching the popcorn. "And no, the moose wont go down, and I think Ryoga is trying to prolong the battle."
"Why ever would he do that?" Yoshimi sighed.
"One can only imagine." Nabiki frowned at her hated enemy. Well okay, she didn't really hate her, why was Ryoga so scared of her?
"Do you want me to go and get him?" Lotion asked.
"No, let's just wait until they run out of energy and lay down for their naps." Kasumi said. Nabiki wasn't sure if her sister was being sarcastic or not.
"I can *help* them lay down." Lotion offered. "Permanently. Haha!"
"Why, if you brought the moose for dinner, did you bring it back alive?" Akane asked.
"You expect me to carry that creature back?" Lotion cried.
"Well why did you want to bring something so large back?" Nabiki asked.
"Because I thought that Male Servant Ryoga might have returned, and I have seen how he and Gender Switching Womanizing Servant Ranma–"
"I don't care for that title." Ranma interjected.
"Compete at the table," Lotion continued "much as they compete in battle, and I wanted to be sure that there would be enough for all!"
"That's very sweet of you Lotion." Kasumi smiled. "But, next time we'll just order something."
"If you insist." Lotion shrugged. "And *please* I beg of you, my name is not Lotion. Unlike Shampoo I am not named after a soft, gooey liquid that men abuse in the shower."
"Yeah, you're named after the one men abuse everywhere!"
"How would you know that, Ranma?" Akane scowled.
"Uh . . ." Ranma scratched his head. "I ain't done it if that's what you mean." He said.
"My name is *Lo-Chun* my family name is *Han*, therefore by your stylings I should at least be Lotion Hand--"
"I'd say that sounds ten times worse." Nabiki pointed out.
"Oh I agree," Lotion nodded, "the point I am really trying to make here is that I do not appreciate people mispronouncing my name, after I have told you all time and time again the proper way to say it. It is rude and disrespectful and--"
"Yeah, yeah, nobody cares." Ranma scoffed. "This is getting to be too much. Kasumi, give *Han* her stupid letter, maybe that'll shut her up, though I don't see how a piece of paper can succeed where the best doctors have failed." He got hit between the eyes with a miniature statue of liberty.
"It is a weapon!" Lotion cried excitedly. "Yay!"
"Oh my head!" Ranma groaned.
"Well . . . Ranma is right, here Lotion, Mousse delivered this for you." Kasumi handed the assassin a rolled piece of paper.
"The moose?" Lotion frowned. "Where did it get this?"
"No, Mousse, and he got it from Cologne." Kasumi said.
"The moose knows Cologne?" Lotion looked amazed.
"No, not moose, Mousse." Kasumi explained.
"I don't follow you." Lotion frowned in confusion.
"Duck boy." Nabiki translated.
"There is a duck boy too? Where?" Lotion cried.
"The kid with long hair and glasses that wants to date Shampoo but cant 'cause she's obsessed with me!" Ranma interpreted.
"Who?" Lotion blinked.
"Oh for the love of–you're as dumb as Ranma!" Nabiki cried.
"Hey!" Ranma protested.
"You really shouldn't tease your sister," Yoshimi observed, "I don't pretend to know what it's like growing up with so many siblings, but if she is stupid you should not tease her about it, it is bound to cause damage to her self esteem. My cousin used to tease me, and make fun of me until Ryoga beat him up, it always made me so very sad."
"She's not our sister." Akane said. "Just some girl we sort of let live with us."
"Oh? Well in that case it's okay."
"When did Ryoga beat your cousin up?" Nabiki asked.
"Just before we met . . . officially." Yoshimi said. "It's an interesting story, one of chance and luck. I went to visit my cousin at my uncle's summer home, and Ryoga got lost in the area, we were all playing in the area, well as is his way my cousin teased me and then Ryoga stood up for me and I knew, as I tried to help cousin Yamato find his other tooth, that Ryoga was the man I would one day marry. So I told father, he arranged the meeting and we've been fiancees ever since!"
"That's sweet . . . I guess." Nabiki frowned.
"Ryoga is such a jerk." Ranma sighed. Nabiki threw some unpopped corn at him.
"What does your letter say?" Kasumi asked.
Lotion told them exactly what it said.
Kasumi sweat dropped, and Yoshimi frowned and shook her head.
"I don't speak Chinese." Nabiki sighed.
"It is a letter from an Amazon named Sun Set. She writes to Cologne in question of my whereabout. It appears my assassin's skills are required . . ."
"Why does this person want you?" Ranma asked.
"We are old friends." Lotion said, Nabiki sensed a lie. "I believe it is safe to say however that she is in great danger at this time, I also believe it is time I was going."
"Is there any danger?" Kasumi asked.
"I will . . . handle it." Lotion said darkly.
"Get over yourself, you couldn't kill a fly." Ranma scoffed. "Akane nearly beat you, and that's saying somethin'."
"What exactly does it say, Ranma?" Akane growled.
"It means Lotion couldn't fight her way out of a sack, with or without her knives." Ranma scowled. Akane hit him.
Lotion scowled and tore the letter in half and threw the two pieces to the ground, she stormed off towards the dojo.
Yoshimi took up the two torn halves of the paper, and frowned. Nabiki became suspicious that Yoshimi might actually know how to read Chinese.
"That's terrible." Yoshimi frowned. Nabiki raised an eyebrow at her, but the younger woman offered no further conversation on the subject.
Ryoga was getting tired, he couldn't even remember why he was fighting the moose, it'd come down to sheer primal aggression, he had no doubt that he and Mercedes could have defeated the moose much sooner, however he'd been stalling for some reason or another. It was time to end it all! He lunged forward and struck the ground beneath the Moose with his index finger, it collapsed and the Moose fell into the hole. It was perfectly fine, but it wouldn't be hitting people on the head anymore!
"I've done it! I've–OOHFF!" Ryoga grunted as the moose turned it's head and whacked him with it's antlers. "GAH! That's it, screw you mister moose, you're venison!"
"Ryoga, that's enough, we'll call some humane service or something and have the moose taken to a zoo, or back to Canada or something." Nabiki said.
"Yes, come in already." Kasumi said.
Ryoga sighed and came in. He sat down next to Nabiki. "Guess what?" His fiancee asked. "That wall over there, guess who fixes it."
"Me?"
"Why thank you for volunteering Ryoga!" Kasumi smiled. "And of course Ranma will help."
"No problem." Ryoga and Ranma sighed.
"Do I smell dinner?" Soun seemed to crawl out of the woodwork, he was covered in lipstick kisses, his long hair, which had grown back after his encounter with Principal Kuno, was messed up, and his cloths were inside out.
"Certainly, father." Kasumi frowned.
"It smells wonderful!" Genma said. He was as messed up as Soun. Ryoga felt a little strange, disturbed perhaps. He decided he'd probably kill Ranma if he ever found him in bed with Nabiki, he defiantly wouldn't join in.
"Well now," Ranma said, apparently ignoring his father and Soun, "I've got a letter of challenge here from Ryoga!"
"Really?" Ryoga blinked. "I meant to send one but I never got around to it."
"Huh?" Ranma reached into his pocket and produced a letter. "To the swine Ranma Sotome; I, Ryoga Hibiki am coming to Nerima, be prepared for deadly combat, this time it is to the death, P.S. Nabiki says "hi"."
"Well that sounds like something Ryoga would write." Nabiki sighed.
"But I never did get around to writing a letter of challenge." Ryoga said. "And that's not even a proper one, it doesn't say where we'll meet, or what time."
"I figured you'd left it loose since you didn't know when you'd be back, or where we'd meet." Ranma admitted.
Ryoga shook his head. "I didn't write that, Ranma."
"Then who did it?" Ranma demanded. "Here I put up with Akane being all excited about Nabiki coming back and chattering my ear off for days, just looking forward to a chance to fight you, and what happens? It's a fraud! Who sent it?"
"I don't know, but if it's a fight you want then I'll take you on now!" Ryoga said.
"Then let's do it!" Ranma agreed.
"No," Kasumi sighed, "You'll eat first. And then wait thirty minutes."
The boys sighed, and ate.
"Now what're we supposed to do for thirty minutes?" Ranma asked.
"Well . . . Yoshimi, is it? Why not tell us about how you and Ryoga met?" Soun asked.
"Certainly!" Yoshimi said excitedly. "That is . . . if Ryoga darling will assist me?"
"Uh . . . sure, I don't see why not . . ." Ryoga said nervously.
"It was a bright, beautiful summer day," Yoshimi began.
At the very same time Ryoga said "It was a cold, stormy, gloomy, winter day,"
The two frowned. Obviously this girl didn't remember it properly. "You go ahead." Ryoga shrugged.
She frowned. "Nonsense, you should tell the story, they are your friends, darling." Yoshimi said sweetly. Too sweetly, why couldn't anyone else see what a monster she was?
"But we'd like to get to know you, so why not let us learn a bit about you through a riveting tale of your past?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well . . . if you insist . . ." Yoshimi said, still looking at Ryoga as if to ask permission.
"You tell them, I know the story well enough," Ryoga said, "I must go and wash my hands before dinner."
"You've done that." Kasumi said. "And . . . it's after dinner."
"I feel the need to do it again." Ryoga said, giving Kasumi a pleading look. The eldest Tendo daughter understood, and nodded his dismissal, he set off in the direction of the washroom, this might be more bearable as P-Chan.
"Well . . ." Yoshimi frowned, "I was with my cousin, we were playing and as is his habit he was mocking me,"
-------------
"You're dumb, and you'd have flunked out of preschool if your father hadn't bribed the teachers!"
"But my sire would not do that, and I did not fail preschool, indeed I do not believe it is possible to do so . . ." Yoshimi said.
Her cousin stared at her for a moment. Then he shook his head and said, "You talk funny!"
"Because I am learned."
"You're stupid!"
"Hey, stop teasing that young lady!" Ryoga cried. "Cant you see that is the woman I will one day wed? To mock her in that fashion is insulting to herself, and to me, and I wont have it!"
"Eh?"
"No more of your clever negotiations, we shall battle!" The five year old Ryoga cried, lunging forward.
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"Wow, even as a kid, Ryoga was a over-dramatic jerk!" Ranma cried, Akane and Nabiki both whacked him.
-------------
The two fought violently, Yoshimi's cousin was an apprentice of the Harume style of Martial Arts Bookkeeping, however that really wasn't helping him here.
Ryoga wiped the floors with him, and then threw him into the air, he landed safely in the sand box, face first.
"Amazing!" Yoshimi cried.
"Ah, 'twernt 'nothing." Ryoga said nervously.
"I am Yoshimi Harume, who are you?"
"The name's Ryoga Hibiki. But everyone I know just calls me Ryoga, I like that better." He said.
"Hey! Yothimi! My tooth ith mithing!" Her cousin shouted.
Yoshimi turned to the sand box and sighed as she picked up her cousin's baby tooth. She turned back and looked at the boy called Ryoga.
She knew that he had to become her husband! She quickly wrote down her family's address and phone number and gave it to him, then hid her cousin's tooth in her pocket, and began to pretend to help him search.
-------------
"And we lived happily ever after." Yoshimi shrugged. "Rather, we shall in a year when I am of age and we are married."
"That's a really . . ." Nabiki searched for the words . . . terrible? Stupid? Downright despicable? "Great story, but I have some questions."
"Me too." Ranma nodded.
"Oh please ask away! But one at a time, I beg." Yoshimi smiled.
"Well . . . why Ryoga?" Nabiki shrugged. "There are lots of guys that could make better husbands for you. I know a guy, he's rich and powerful, and a skilled fighter to boot. He'd be a great husband."
"May I answer your question with a question?"
"I suppose."
"If he would be such a great husband, why don't you marry him?" Yoshimi asked simply.
'Because if I thought I'd have to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life I'd slit my wrist.' Nabiki thought. "Oh-ho-ho no, he's not interested in me, I'm afraid I'm just too plain for him. He likes Akane, but not me," She sighed. "Alas, a young beauty like you would have no trouble attracting him of course. In fact if not for Ryoga's love, I might well have taken my own life." Nabiki said, waving her hand just in case her powers had returned a little early.
"That is terrible! How can he be so cruel? There is nothing plain about you at all, you are beautiful!" Yoshimi cried, Nabiki decided she liked this girl . . . just a little bit. "Alas, that is men for you. They're all sexist fools. The very idea of being with anyone other than Ryoga disturbs me." Yoshimi smiled. "Perhaps not to the point of taking my own life, still relatively close."
"I see . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"I got one for ya." Ranma said. "You said your cousin was an apprentice of Martial Arts Bookkeeping?"
"Oh lord, here we go again!" Nabiki sighed.
"Get the hurricane supplies, and get ready to fix up the dojo . . ." Akane sighed.
"He was, and now he is a master. As was my father before he fell out of practice, as am I. My children after me will be apprentices of both the Harume School of Martial Arts Bookkeeping and the Hibiki style of Wondering Martial Arts."
"You're a martial artist?" Ranma insisted.
"Yes."
"You're a master?"
"I prefer mistress, but yes."
Ranma looked really excited, Nabiki could see him building up like a tea kettle about to blow steam!
She did a mental count down. 'Five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . .'
"I, Ranma Saotome, wish to learn the secrets of your Martial Arts Bookkeeping!" Ranma cried.
"Uh . . ."
"No? Fine! In that case I challenge you!" Ranma cried excitedly.
Yoshimi raised an eyebrow. "Challenge?"
"He's gotten a lot worse, hasn't he?" Nabiki frowned.
"Ranma, what about the thirty minutes?" Kasumi sighed.
"Some things are more important Kasumi!" Ranma cried.
To Be Continued . . .
Will Yoshimi accept Ranma's challenge? What was up with her story? Will the Moose find a good home? Will Ryoga EVER find the washroom?!?! Find out the answers for about half those questions (or less) NEXT TIME, in the next wonderful chapter: "A Darker Side . . ."
Chapter II
The Boy who Cried MOOSE!
Nabiki came downstairs to see what all the commotion was about. She frowned when she saw that Akane and Ryoga were just talking to someone at the door. She'd expected a ninja attack or something.
"Who is that?" Nabiki asked.
"Why, I am Yoshimi Harume, age seventeen and three quarters, daughter of Kotaro Harume." Yoshimi bowed her head. Nabiki noticed the trademark pink ninja bodyguard of the Harume family. She frowned. From Ryoga's reluctance to meet with her, and his and horrifying description of her, Nabiki had been expecting something a little uglier, and much less polite. Yoshimi was cute! No, that was wrong. Her face was cute, her body was just plain fantastic, she had perfect curves, so perfect even Nabiki could recognize it, her chest would be enough to satisfy most mortal men, her legs went on for miles, her skin looked smooth and slightly tanned, she was a super model kind of girl!
She was *almost* as pretty as Nabiki!
"I have come, because I learned that my fiancee, Ryoga, was in town, I wanted to see him." Yoshimi explained, "I do hope I am not interrupting anything . . ."
"Not at all." Kasumi smiled.
"But Kasumi, weren't you about to tell me something?" Nabiki asked.
"That can wait." Kasumi said cheerfully. Then she whispered to Nabiki, "Your greatest rival in love is here, it is time for you to crush her. I'll go make some poisoned cookies. When I serve them, don't eat the green ones."
Nabiki blinked. "You've been hanging around Lotion too much! I've got goddess powers, I can handle this."
"Actually," Kasumi said out loud, "Diao Chan wasn't a goddess, she's simply styled one in some circles, she was actually just some girl who whored herself out to two of the greatest tyrants of the time." Kasumi informed Nabiki. "Also, she's believed to not even have existed at all."
"Wow . . . I've got the soul of a possibly fictional girl from ancient China with questionable morality . . . why does that turn me on?" Nabiki asked.
Kasumi sighed, and shook her head.
Nabiki went up to Yoshimi and invited her in, "I'm so sorry, you must think us very rude!"
"Not at all, I understand that discussing the souls of goddesses is rather important work." Yoshimi smiled. "And actually no one can question Diao Chan's existence since her grave was found some time ago."
"That grave could belong to anyone." Ryoga observed.
"Oh, of course it could, I'm sorry, darling." Yoshimi lowered her head a bit.
'Wow, she's rich, cute, sexy, and submissive.' Nabiki blinked. 'What doesn't Ryoga like about her? Heck, I'm about ready to marry her!'
"Uh . . . y'know I really think . . . that Ranma should meet you, Yoshimi . . . I'll go get him." Ryoga bolted for the door, Akane slammed it shut.
"Not a chance, you're going to face your problem like a rampaging bull, grab it by the horns, and show it that you're the boss!" Akane said.
Ryoga stared at Akane as if he were trying to fathom what the heck she meant.
"Akane, don't you think perhaps you're overreacting just a bit?" Kasumi offered at last.
"But he's supposed to marry Nabiki!" Akane protested.
"So, you love Ryoga darling too?" Yoshimi asked, looking Nabiki up and down.
"Huh? Well yes, I'm his fiancee." Nabiki said simply.
"Aha . . . I don't know if that's legal anymore." Yoshimi pointed out. "Having more than one wife, I mean."
"Well . . . who said he'd have two?" Nabiki asked frostily. "If he's married to me . . . there's no one else."
"Well . . . I too am his fiancee." Yoshimi pointed out a little nervously.
"You don't say . . ." Nabiki said, straining not to use her powers to convince the girl to kill herself.
Ryoga watched the scene nervously. His fiancee, and his worst nightmare! Incidentally both girls were in fact his fiancee, and his worst nightmare. But he only needed one of the former, he could, but preferred not to, live with two of the latter.
But then there was a loud sound, and the door exploded, a huge moose charged into the room, and bucked Ryoga into the next floor.
"Yay!" He cried. "A momentary distraction!" He leapt down and glared up at the moose. "Alright moose, this town ain't big enough for the two of us!" He said, pointing a challenging index finger at it, "I'm giving you to the count of five to get out of my sight. One . . . two . . . three . . . fo–AHH!" The moose rammed him and he flew into a large tree in the back yard.
He glared at the Moose. "I wont have any of that!" He warned. "Prepare to die, moose!"
"RRROWF!" A huge German Shepherd appeared at Ryoga's side, and barked in agreement.
"Aww not you again!" Ryoga groaned. The dog licked his hand.
"C'mon Ryoga, don't be a jerk, it's just a wild animal." Nabiki said.
"Yes, and it must be taken to the nearest shelter, immediately, with the utmost care. I'll take it myself, you girls stay here and entertain Yoshimi. Make sure to introduce her to Ranma." Ryoga decided, dissolving the fighting stance.
The moose rushed forward and trampled him, Mercedes the dog sort of gave a wheezing, barking laugh.
Ryoga had been hit with rocks, he'd been burned alive, he'd put up with Yoshimi as a child, this moose was NOTHING! "That's enough of that!" Ryoga cried, throwing the moose into the air, it flew up several feet, and came back down, Mercedes rushed forward and tackled it in midair, the moose flew back and slammed into the concrete street, Ryoga leapt onto the roof and charged after the moose, it came up, antlers bared, it rammed him right back into the tree, leaving a hole in the Tendo house roof.
Everyone else just watched, actually Ryoga was pretty sure he heard popcorn in the microwave.
"You know, I didn't know Ryoga darling had a dog!" Yoshimi said. "Not like that, my spies tell me he has a smaller black and white dog."
"He does." Akane said, "Mercedes isn't really his dog, more like a stray that wont leave him alone."
"Actually Mercedes didn't bother us when we were out traveling around, the dog's residence is obviously Japan, I'd forgotten all about it." Nabiki noted. "Wait . . . did you say spies?"
"Yes, how did you suppose I knew Ryoga darling had come back here? Did you think my appearance was a coincidence?"
"Well . . . my hat's off to them, they work fast." Kasumi said.
"We pay them well." Yoshimi smiled. The ninja guard coughed, Yoshimi frowned at him and he stood at attention.
"Well I've got five hundred yen, twelve pounds and two dollars on Male Servant." Lotion said.
"I'll take that and raise you two hundred yen for the moose." Akane said.
"If you want to bet, you give your bets to me." Nabiki said. "I'm offering two to one odds in favor of Ryoga and Mercedes."
"Oh yeah? Then put my various monies on the moose!" Lotion said.
"I'll put a thousand down on the moose." Akane decided.
"You realize that if no one bets for Ryoga, you could be out a lot of money." Kasumi pointed out.
"You," Nabiki said, pointing to Yoshimi's pink ninja servant, "Five hundred thousand for Ryoga?"
"Huh? But I only make five hundred yen every two years."
"Really? Dad used to give me that for allowance, your job bites." Akane noted.
"Five . . . hundred . . . thousand . . . here's your ticket." Nabiki said cheerfully.
"Nabiki!" Kasumi scolded.
"I'm just kidding." Nabiki sighed, she let Kasumi rip the thing up. "So Kasumi, what was it you were trying to tell me?"
"Huh? Oh . . . well . . . Lotion and I have an announcement."
"You're getting married!" Akane cried. "I knew you were a–"
"Actually no." Kasumi sighed. "We've decided . . . to open up our own restaurant."
"You've what?" Nabiki frowned. "That's just dumb."
"Dumb like a moose, Nabiki, dumb like a moose." Kasumi said sweetly, quoting one of Ryoga's mother's favorite comebacks.
"Don't remind me of *that* woman, please!" Nabiki cried. She and Ryoga's mother hadn't quite gotten along.
"It'll be great. Lotion can bake weird cookies that for some reason taste good, and are highly addictive. I can cook just about anything else, best of all since she's an assassin she can go around and scare our competition, killing the executives and crippling their businesses, leaving them ripe for absorption. We'd make a fortune. Besides, we were hoping you'd use your mind tricks to make people come down." Kasumi said. It wasn't the words she said that shocked and sort of scared Nabiki, so much as the calm way that she said them.
"I fully encourage young women to start their own businesses." Yoshimi smiled. "I have a business of my own . . . had . . . it went under . . . I had to fire all my employees . . . I put some people out on the streets and had to pay through my own pocket for new housing for them since it was part of their working contract . . . and in the end I got fined for breaking many laws. Of course compared to my father's fortune my debt was like a man taking a single glass of salt water from the ocean."
"Uh-huh . . ." Nabiki scratched her head and decided to resist to urge to ask Yoshimi what her business had been. "What sort of food were you going to be serving, Kasumi?"
"Pizza. And when we do a delivery, I get shot out of a giant cannon!" Lotion cried.
"Uh . . . I said we'd talk about that." Kasumi said.
"Actually, I'd like to see her shot out of a cannon." Nabiki observed. "I'd give you a big tip if the pizza actually survived the flight."
"So would I." Akane said. "I'd pay just to see it."
"Me too, what are we talking about?" Ranma asked. "Oh, Nabiki, howzit goin'? So, what'd I miss?"
"Nothing, Ryoga is just fighting the moose you were too much of a coward to take on." Akane said.
"Oh yeah? Well I got a stinkin' shot 'cause of that dumb animal!" Ranma sighed. "Didn't even get a sucker or anything either, the doctor just gave me this prescription. Put a thousand yen down on Ryoga!"
Nabiki shook her head. "Ranma . . . Ranma, Ranma, Ranma . . ."
"Ranma, get out there and help Ryoga!" Akane cried, shoving him forward.
"AHH! I don't want another shot!" Ranma cried, grabbing and holding onto Akane's arm.
"Go and die!" Akane cried. Ranma latched onto her arms.
"Don't let me go! Don't send me away! I loves you baby!" Ranma cried desperately.
"R-really?" Akane asked.
"Never–er I mean yes!" Ranma cried, then he slapped some hand cuffs on her wrist and his, binding him to her. "I love you so much, I cant stand to part from you!"
"Oh Ranma . . ." Akane gasped longingly, then her brain managed to form a thought for the first time in years. "Hey! Wait a minute! Ranma, you jerk!"
"Where'd you get those?" Nabiki asked, trying not to sound as curious as she really was. What exactly did Akane and Ranma do in their spare time?
"Oh uh . . . Kodachi . . . let me borrow them . . ." Ranma said.
"Kodachi?" Akane cried.
"Holy Snails, it hurts!" Ryoga cried.
"Are you going to help him or not?" Akane demanded.
"Well that depends . . . you coming with me?" Ranma asked.
"Hmm . . . uh . . ."
"I think Ryoga is doing just fine." Nabiki said.
"I agree." Akane nodded.
Some Time Later
Ryoga ducked, and rolled, the moose brought it's head low and tried to ram him. Ryoga dove and let Mercedes tackle the moose instead.
"Hmm . . . they work pretty well together." Nabiki said.
"When the dog is not trying to eat him." Lotion agreed, examining the miniature statue of liberty Ryoga had gotten her. "Is this a weapon?"
Nabiki sighed and shook her head. Akane showed up with a bowl of popcorn. "Any winner yet?"
"Give me that." Nabiki scoffed, snatching the popcorn. "And no, the moose wont go down, and I think Ryoga is trying to prolong the battle."
"Why ever would he do that?" Yoshimi sighed.
"One can only imagine." Nabiki frowned at her hated enemy. Well okay, she didn't really hate her, why was Ryoga so scared of her?
"Do you want me to go and get him?" Lotion asked.
"No, let's just wait until they run out of energy and lay down for their naps." Kasumi said. Nabiki wasn't sure if her sister was being sarcastic or not.
"I can *help* them lay down." Lotion offered. "Permanently. Haha!"
"Why, if you brought the moose for dinner, did you bring it back alive?" Akane asked.
"You expect me to carry that creature back?" Lotion cried.
"Well why did you want to bring something so large back?" Nabiki asked.
"Because I thought that Male Servant Ryoga might have returned, and I have seen how he and Gender Switching Womanizing Servant Ranma–"
"I don't care for that title." Ranma interjected.
"Compete at the table," Lotion continued "much as they compete in battle, and I wanted to be sure that there would be enough for all!"
"That's very sweet of you Lotion." Kasumi smiled. "But, next time we'll just order something."
"If you insist." Lotion shrugged. "And *please* I beg of you, my name is not Lotion. Unlike Shampoo I am not named after a soft, gooey liquid that men abuse in the shower."
"Yeah, you're named after the one men abuse everywhere!"
"How would you know that, Ranma?" Akane scowled.
"Uh . . ." Ranma scratched his head. "I ain't done it if that's what you mean." He said.
"My name is *Lo-Chun* my family name is *Han*, therefore by your stylings I should at least be Lotion Hand--"
"I'd say that sounds ten times worse." Nabiki pointed out.
"Oh I agree," Lotion nodded, "the point I am really trying to make here is that I do not appreciate people mispronouncing my name, after I have told you all time and time again the proper way to say it. It is rude and disrespectful and--"
"Yeah, yeah, nobody cares." Ranma scoffed. "This is getting to be too much. Kasumi, give *Han* her stupid letter, maybe that'll shut her up, though I don't see how a piece of paper can succeed where the best doctors have failed." He got hit between the eyes with a miniature statue of liberty.
"It is a weapon!" Lotion cried excitedly. "Yay!"
"Oh my head!" Ranma groaned.
"Well . . . Ranma is right, here Lotion, Mousse delivered this for you." Kasumi handed the assassin a rolled piece of paper.
"The moose?" Lotion frowned. "Where did it get this?"
"No, Mousse, and he got it from Cologne." Kasumi said.
"The moose knows Cologne?" Lotion looked amazed.
"No, not moose, Mousse." Kasumi explained.
"I don't follow you." Lotion frowned in confusion.
"Duck boy." Nabiki translated.
"There is a duck boy too? Where?" Lotion cried.
"The kid with long hair and glasses that wants to date Shampoo but cant 'cause she's obsessed with me!" Ranma interpreted.
"Who?" Lotion blinked.
"Oh for the love of–you're as dumb as Ranma!" Nabiki cried.
"Hey!" Ranma protested.
"You really shouldn't tease your sister," Yoshimi observed, "I don't pretend to know what it's like growing up with so many siblings, but if she is stupid you should not tease her about it, it is bound to cause damage to her self esteem. My cousin used to tease me, and make fun of me until Ryoga beat him up, it always made me so very sad."
"She's not our sister." Akane said. "Just some girl we sort of let live with us."
"Oh? Well in that case it's okay."
"When did Ryoga beat your cousin up?" Nabiki asked.
"Just before we met . . . officially." Yoshimi said. "It's an interesting story, one of chance and luck. I went to visit my cousin at my uncle's summer home, and Ryoga got lost in the area, we were all playing in the area, well as is his way my cousin teased me and then Ryoga stood up for me and I knew, as I tried to help cousin Yamato find his other tooth, that Ryoga was the man I would one day marry. So I told father, he arranged the meeting and we've been fiancees ever since!"
"That's sweet . . . I guess." Nabiki frowned.
"Ryoga is such a jerk." Ranma sighed. Nabiki threw some unpopped corn at him.
"What does your letter say?" Kasumi asked.
Lotion told them exactly what it said.
Kasumi sweat dropped, and Yoshimi frowned and shook her head.
"I don't speak Chinese." Nabiki sighed.
"It is a letter from an Amazon named Sun Set. She writes to Cologne in question of my whereabout. It appears my assassin's skills are required . . ."
"Why does this person want you?" Ranma asked.
"We are old friends." Lotion said, Nabiki sensed a lie. "I believe it is safe to say however that she is in great danger at this time, I also believe it is time I was going."
"Is there any danger?" Kasumi asked.
"I will . . . handle it." Lotion said darkly.
"Get over yourself, you couldn't kill a fly." Ranma scoffed. "Akane nearly beat you, and that's saying somethin'."
"What exactly does it say, Ranma?" Akane growled.
"It means Lotion couldn't fight her way out of a sack, with or without her knives." Ranma scowled. Akane hit him.
Lotion scowled and tore the letter in half and threw the two pieces to the ground, she stormed off towards the dojo.
Yoshimi took up the two torn halves of the paper, and frowned. Nabiki became suspicious that Yoshimi might actually know how to read Chinese.
"That's terrible." Yoshimi frowned. Nabiki raised an eyebrow at her, but the younger woman offered no further conversation on the subject.
Ryoga was getting tired, he couldn't even remember why he was fighting the moose, it'd come down to sheer primal aggression, he had no doubt that he and Mercedes could have defeated the moose much sooner, however he'd been stalling for some reason or another. It was time to end it all! He lunged forward and struck the ground beneath the Moose with his index finger, it collapsed and the Moose fell into the hole. It was perfectly fine, but it wouldn't be hitting people on the head anymore!
"I've done it! I've–OOHFF!" Ryoga grunted as the moose turned it's head and whacked him with it's antlers. "GAH! That's it, screw you mister moose, you're venison!"
"Ryoga, that's enough, we'll call some humane service or something and have the moose taken to a zoo, or back to Canada or something." Nabiki said.
"Yes, come in already." Kasumi said.
Ryoga sighed and came in. He sat down next to Nabiki. "Guess what?" His fiancee asked. "That wall over there, guess who fixes it."
"Me?"
"Why thank you for volunteering Ryoga!" Kasumi smiled. "And of course Ranma will help."
"No problem." Ryoga and Ranma sighed.
"Do I smell dinner?" Soun seemed to crawl out of the woodwork, he was covered in lipstick kisses, his long hair, which had grown back after his encounter with Principal Kuno, was messed up, and his cloths were inside out.
"Certainly, father." Kasumi frowned.
"It smells wonderful!" Genma said. He was as messed up as Soun. Ryoga felt a little strange, disturbed perhaps. He decided he'd probably kill Ranma if he ever found him in bed with Nabiki, he defiantly wouldn't join in.
"Well now," Ranma said, apparently ignoring his father and Soun, "I've got a letter of challenge here from Ryoga!"
"Really?" Ryoga blinked. "I meant to send one but I never got around to it."
"Huh?" Ranma reached into his pocket and produced a letter. "To the swine Ranma Sotome; I, Ryoga Hibiki am coming to Nerima, be prepared for deadly combat, this time it is to the death, P.S. Nabiki says "hi"."
"Well that sounds like something Ryoga would write." Nabiki sighed.
"But I never did get around to writing a letter of challenge." Ryoga said. "And that's not even a proper one, it doesn't say where we'll meet, or what time."
"I figured you'd left it loose since you didn't know when you'd be back, or where we'd meet." Ranma admitted.
Ryoga shook his head. "I didn't write that, Ranma."
"Then who did it?" Ranma demanded. "Here I put up with Akane being all excited about Nabiki coming back and chattering my ear off for days, just looking forward to a chance to fight you, and what happens? It's a fraud! Who sent it?"
"I don't know, but if it's a fight you want then I'll take you on now!" Ryoga said.
"Then let's do it!" Ranma agreed.
"No," Kasumi sighed, "You'll eat first. And then wait thirty minutes."
The boys sighed, and ate.
"Now what're we supposed to do for thirty minutes?" Ranma asked.
"Well . . . Yoshimi, is it? Why not tell us about how you and Ryoga met?" Soun asked.
"Certainly!" Yoshimi said excitedly. "That is . . . if Ryoga darling will assist me?"
"Uh . . . sure, I don't see why not . . ." Ryoga said nervously.
"It was a bright, beautiful summer day," Yoshimi began.
At the very same time Ryoga said "It was a cold, stormy, gloomy, winter day,"
The two frowned. Obviously this girl didn't remember it properly. "You go ahead." Ryoga shrugged.
She frowned. "Nonsense, you should tell the story, they are your friends, darling." Yoshimi said sweetly. Too sweetly, why couldn't anyone else see what a monster she was?
"But we'd like to get to know you, so why not let us learn a bit about you through a riveting tale of your past?" Nabiki sighed.
"Well . . . if you insist . . ." Yoshimi said, still looking at Ryoga as if to ask permission.
"You tell them, I know the story well enough," Ryoga said, "I must go and wash my hands before dinner."
"You've done that." Kasumi said. "And . . . it's after dinner."
"I feel the need to do it again." Ryoga said, giving Kasumi a pleading look. The eldest Tendo daughter understood, and nodded his dismissal, he set off in the direction of the washroom, this might be more bearable as P-Chan.
"Well . . ." Yoshimi frowned, "I was with my cousin, we were playing and as is his habit he was mocking me,"
-------------
"You're dumb, and you'd have flunked out of preschool if your father hadn't bribed the teachers!"
"But my sire would not do that, and I did not fail preschool, indeed I do not believe it is possible to do so . . ." Yoshimi said.
Her cousin stared at her for a moment. Then he shook his head and said, "You talk funny!"
"Because I am learned."
"You're stupid!"
"Hey, stop teasing that young lady!" Ryoga cried. "Cant you see that is the woman I will one day wed? To mock her in that fashion is insulting to herself, and to me, and I wont have it!"
"Eh?"
"No more of your clever negotiations, we shall battle!" The five year old Ryoga cried, lunging forward.
-------------
"Wow, even as a kid, Ryoga was a over-dramatic jerk!" Ranma cried, Akane and Nabiki both whacked him.
-------------
The two fought violently, Yoshimi's cousin was an apprentice of the Harume style of Martial Arts Bookkeeping, however that really wasn't helping him here.
Ryoga wiped the floors with him, and then threw him into the air, he landed safely in the sand box, face first.
"Amazing!" Yoshimi cried.
"Ah, 'twernt 'nothing." Ryoga said nervously.
"I am Yoshimi Harume, who are you?"
"The name's Ryoga Hibiki. But everyone I know just calls me Ryoga, I like that better." He said.
"Hey! Yothimi! My tooth ith mithing!" Her cousin shouted.
Yoshimi turned to the sand box and sighed as she picked up her cousin's baby tooth. She turned back and looked at the boy called Ryoga.
She knew that he had to become her husband! She quickly wrote down her family's address and phone number and gave it to him, then hid her cousin's tooth in her pocket, and began to pretend to help him search.
-------------
"And we lived happily ever after." Yoshimi shrugged. "Rather, we shall in a year when I am of age and we are married."
"That's a really . . ." Nabiki searched for the words . . . terrible? Stupid? Downright despicable? "Great story, but I have some questions."
"Me too." Ranma nodded.
"Oh please ask away! But one at a time, I beg." Yoshimi smiled.
"Well . . . why Ryoga?" Nabiki shrugged. "There are lots of guys that could make better husbands for you. I know a guy, he's rich and powerful, and a skilled fighter to boot. He'd be a great husband."
"May I answer your question with a question?"
"I suppose."
"If he would be such a great husband, why don't you marry him?" Yoshimi asked simply.
'Because if I thought I'd have to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life I'd slit my wrist.' Nabiki thought. "Oh-ho-ho no, he's not interested in me, I'm afraid I'm just too plain for him. He likes Akane, but not me," She sighed. "Alas, a young beauty like you would have no trouble attracting him of course. In fact if not for Ryoga's love, I might well have taken my own life." Nabiki said, waving her hand just in case her powers had returned a little early.
"That is terrible! How can he be so cruel? There is nothing plain about you at all, you are beautiful!" Yoshimi cried, Nabiki decided she liked this girl . . . just a little bit. "Alas, that is men for you. They're all sexist fools. The very idea of being with anyone other than Ryoga disturbs me." Yoshimi smiled. "Perhaps not to the point of taking my own life, still relatively close."
"I see . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"I got one for ya." Ranma said. "You said your cousin was an apprentice of Martial Arts Bookkeeping?"
"Oh lord, here we go again!" Nabiki sighed.
"Get the hurricane supplies, and get ready to fix up the dojo . . ." Akane sighed.
"He was, and now he is a master. As was my father before he fell out of practice, as am I. My children after me will be apprentices of both the Harume School of Martial Arts Bookkeeping and the Hibiki style of Wondering Martial Arts."
"You're a martial artist?" Ranma insisted.
"Yes."
"You're a master?"
"I prefer mistress, but yes."
Ranma looked really excited, Nabiki could see him building up like a tea kettle about to blow steam!
She did a mental count down. 'Five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . .'
"I, Ranma Saotome, wish to learn the secrets of your Martial Arts Bookkeeping!" Ranma cried.
"Uh . . ."
"No? Fine! In that case I challenge you!" Ranma cried excitedly.
Yoshimi raised an eyebrow. "Challenge?"
"He's gotten a lot worse, hasn't he?" Nabiki frowned.
"Ranma, what about the thirty minutes?" Kasumi sighed.
"Some things are more important Kasumi!" Ranma cried.
To Be Continued . . .
Will Yoshimi accept Ranma's challenge? What was up with her story? Will the Moose find a good home? Will Ryoga EVER find the washroom?!?! Find out the answers for about half those questions (or less) NEXT TIME, in the next wonderful chapter: "A Darker Side . . ."
