TW: Mentions of Suicide
Sunrises had never really been Alex's thing. Early rising in general wasn't her thing. She was more of a sunset girl. Her mother died at sunrise, according to the coroner. She had been alone. Alex wondered sometimes whether she'd die alone. She certainly didn't want to, but there was always a possibility.
She wondered if that had crossed Piper's mind, sitting on that balcony and seeing her own mortality at the bottom of the hotel. The emptiness of the night. If she thought about any of that or just her misery in the moment.
She sat on her own balcony now, facing the chill of the morning as the sky streaked with reds and oranges. Telling herself it was simply because she couldn't sleep, what with all the adrenaline. It had nothing to do with the fact she was on the same side as Piper and could see the balconies stretching along beside her.
They stretched far, duplicates of themselves. Briefly, she thought about the number of people that had sat in her exact position, looking out over the city and mulling over their thoughts.
Time seemed infinite in a space like this. The transition from night to morning. Up in the open air, yet body centred to the ground.
Nicky walked out at about seven, cigarette between her lips. That woman had always been a morning person. She jumped when she saw her, hand on her chest. "Shit Vause, you scared the crap out of me." Lighting the cigarette, she took a long drag. "You know I've got a heart condition. Don't want me to drop dead off this balcony, do you?"
Lifting her glasses onto her head she rubbed at her face, entirely too tired for this conversation. Any conversation, really.
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened, Nick," She said, tightening the blanket around her. It was caught beneath her leg, so didn't offer any more warmth.
"Bullshit. You're never up this early." Nichols had always been perceptive. Perhaps she just knew her too damn well.
Throwing about a few excuses in her head, she landed on the most plausible one. "I wanted to get to work early this morning."
Nicky raised her eyebrows, elbows leant on her rail. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Shaking her head, the writer watched her for a few seconds. "Sure - just let me know when you wanna talk about it."
"Nicky, there's nothing to-"
"Whatever Vause. Finish this off for me will ya?" Leaning over, she extended the cigarette over to Alex. She had to stand to reach it, but took it anyway, ignoring the ache in her shoulder as she moved. "See you on set."
Disappearing into her room, she left Alex to finish the cigarette. It retreated quickly, ash dusting her pyjama clad leg. She pictured Piper beside her, mascara streaked across her cheeks in the alley between a club and convenience store. What had been her breaking point?
The revelation that she should probably check on Piper struck her. She didn't have her number, but there were some casting files in the bottom of her suitcase that she'd packed out of precaution. Flipping through them, she searched for Piper's headshot, finding it almost immediately.
She looked a lot more demure in her headshot than she came across in person. Prim, almost. It lacked her bite. She supposed that was the appeal for her role.
Running her finger over the ink, she found her number near the bottom, typing it into her phone and shooting off a quick message. You okay? She considered whether it was crossing any boundaries, but after stopping somebody from jumping off a balcony; the lines felt a little blurred.
About half an hour later, making true on her lie that she wanted to get to work early by getting ready, she received a response. Who is this?
Alex.
She didn't receive a response.
•
The fucked-up thing was that Piper seemed perfectly fine when she got to set. She breezed out of the hair and makeup trailer with a smile on her face, radiant as ever, chatting to Gonzales beside her. The only sign that the entire night hadn't been some sort of fucked up nightmare was the way she faltered when she met Alex's eyes. It was minuscule – her smile turned downwards, and her eyes squinted just slightly – and then she was laughing at something the actress (slash make-up artist) had said beside her.
It was sunny again that morning, another thing that didn't settle well with her. When you grew up learning about pathetic fallacy you often expected reality to do the same. And still, it had been sunny for every funeral Alex had attended. She couldn't remember a time it had rained after she'd received bad news.
With a few quick self-assurances, Alex approached her before she had to shoot, watching as Piper simply blinked up at her with a question in her doe eyes. Like she didn't know why she could possibly be talking to her. Like she was expecting a fucking writers note.
"How are you?" Alex asked, because what else could she say? I hope you still don't want to jump off your balcony? She'd never had to comfort somebody after something so pivotal – and Piper didn't seem like she even needed comforting.
"I'm fine," She responded, chipper as ever, smile as bright as the sun.
"Are you sure? If you need some time off, you can just-"
"I'm fine!" Piper's voice went up an octave, almost a shout. A few of the crew glanced their way and she must've realised because she was lowering her voice. "You don't need to babysit me."
Alex scoffed, placing a hand against her forehead. "I'm not babysitting you, Piper."
There was a spark of anger in Piper's eyes, a contrast to the blank glaze they'd been the night before, and this was somewhat comforting. "What, you're just my bodyguard or something now?"
"No, I-" She wanted to make a quip about the secret service, but she didn't think it would be received smoothly.
"Just go back to hating me please," The actress pleaded; voice hushed. It struck a chord in her.
"I never hated you, Piper." Alex said, touching the side of her elbow.
It was Piper's turn to scoff, shaking off her hand.
"What? I never did. I disapproved of your outburst, I don't approve of your drinking habits, but I don't hate you."
"Whatever habits I do have are none of your damn business," She reminded, narrowing her eyes dangerously.
Realising how close she had gotten; Alex took a step back – conscious of the people around them. Piper was angry, but it was better than detachment or faux cheeriness. The heat of her gaze was better than the cold passivity of vacant eyes.
Alex raised her glasses to meet her eyes fully, sincerity dripping from her voice. "I'm just looking out for you."
Holding her stare, Piper blinked slowly, a crack in her frustration that paved way for something that looked a little bit like pain. Before she could soften, she was backing up, an iciness returning. "Well, I'm okay, so do your looking elsewhere."
This push and pull was back again. A game of tug of war, and Alex could feel herself being dragged closer to the red line without much power to stop it. The boundaries of a strictly professional relationship had been blurred. She no longer knew where she stood with Piper. Had never known what to expect next.
It was at this point Mrs Chapman approached them with a tight smile, eyeing Alex up and down with a glint in her eyes she couldn't quite place but didn't think she really wanted to. There was an "all business" type attitude surrounding her – not only her two-piece suit but her demeanour. "You're the head writer, aren't you?"
"Yes, Alex Vause," She held out her hand for the woman to shake (out of social obligation rather than any wish to introduce herself. The feeling seemed to be mutual).
Barrelling straight ahead, Mrs Chapman immediately began detailing her qualms, "I'd like to have a discussion with you about Piper's role in this television show. As you know, Piper has an I-"
"I think that can wait for another time," Piper interjected to the apparent horror of her mother, who stared at her with wide eyes that could rival Suzanne's. "I've got a scene right now and Alex was helping me with some lines."
Dragging Alex away by the hand, she led them towards her trailer, ushering her inside. With one last peak outside, she slammed the door shut. There was an earnestness about her. A flighty quality as she eyed her mother through the blinds discreetly. "I'll handle my mother if you forget about last night," She hushed, an iron grip clutching her fingers.
"How can I just forget?" Disbelief tinged her voice, an incredulous look masking her face.
"Alex, she's not going to let up about my characters relationship with Ruby. Image is everything to that woman." She wanted to comment on the fact image also seemed to be everything to Piper. "I just…please can you at least try to forget about last night?"
Running a hand through her hair, Alex began pacing. "Are you fucking serious, Piper?" She shook her head, feeling that familiar dread in the pit of her stomach. "You scared me."
"I scared you," Piper questioned, throwing her hands in the air.
"Yes!"
Jesus, Alex didn't know whether this was some fucked up version of narcissism where she couldn't grasp the extent of anyone's feelings but her own, or the complete opposite.
Her entire image of Piper had been skewed since that night. She didn't know what to think of her any longer. It had been simpler before; she was this arrogant, self-obsessed actress (a bit of a tautology) who was potentially homophobic and definitely a stone-cold narcissist.
After seeing her at her most vulnerable, Alex didn't know how true that was any longer. If she was still a downright bitch or she just came across as a dick.
"It was me that was going to jump," Piper said, exasperated.
"So, you're admitting that now, are you?" It might've been the wrong fucking thing to say but she didn't backtrack.
"Fuck you." There was a crack in Piper's voice as she looked at her as if she were seriously considering hitting her, jaw clenching. Instead, she stormed across the trailer. Alex followed. "You don't get to be scared. I'm just another "blonde, WASPy" actress in your show who you don't need to give a fuck about."
"I do give a fuck, Piper," She stressed, sincere.
"If you do, then forget about it...Alex." There was mocking to her voice as she mirrored the use of her name, "If you can't forget, at least pretend."
"Piper-"
"I need you to do this." She turned to her with a wild look on her face, stern. Her jaw clenched again, the muscle moving beneath her skin, "I just need you to pretend."
It was here that Alex felt herself relenting. The grave expression on Piper's face was tinged with desperation, her brow furrowed and lips stretched in a thin line. She could've asked Alex to rewrite the next five episodes of her show and in that moment she might have said yes.
"Yes."
Piper's shoulders dropped as she let out a breath, moving to run a hand through her hair before she realised it was styled for her scenes.
"Thank you." The tension residing after their argument made way for a stretched-out awkwardness between them. Neither party seemed to know how to proceed. She took in her surroundings, only just now registering they were alone in Piper's trailer, seemingly barely lived in.
It looked like how it'd been before it was assigned to her, only now there was a script on the table and a jacket thrown over the arm of a chair.
Luckily, the moment was broken when a knock sounded against the trailer door, a muffled, "You're up, Chapman," making its way through.
With one last glance her way, Piper left. Alex watched through the window as she brushed past her mother towards her scene partner, a bright smile gracing her features.
She slipped into character gracefully. Embodying the sweet, unassuming nature of Eressea Kerman as Alex watched from the side.
Catching a break from Piper's drama was a relief. At noon she overlooked a scene between Gonzales and Bailey, and after lunch she mostly worked with Galina, or as everybody referred to her, Red. She had been acting since before Alex was born and brought a real sense of acclaim to the show.
If she would have known as a teen she'd be working with Galina Reznikov, she would've started writing much earlier, and maybe even paid attention in drama class.
In spite of the short reprieve, the last scene of the day was between Piper and Stella. Alex watched carefully as Piper's mother studied the scene with an intensity that rivalled the directors – but for all the wrong reasons. Piper fumbled over the emotional lines, put off by the character's proximity, and the chemistry between them had fallen flat. Quietly, she suggested to the director that they continue shooting the scene another time (hoping that Carol Chapman wouldn't stick around set for much longer).
Nicky wasn't on set today, she had some business back in New York but would be back that evening, so at least she didn't have to explain the setback. God knows how she'd react to Alex pushing back their schedule when she'd been so pissed off by the idea last time.
Heading over to the coffee cart for some caffeine - God was she tired - she poured herself a drink, adding the sugar and milk distractedly, ears tuning into two voices near to her. It wasn't like Alex meant to eavesdrop. Piper and her mom just conveniently planned their conversation around the corner from where she was enjoying a coffee.
It didn't matter if she moved a little closer to make out their hushed voices.
"-am not comfortable with you acting out these perversions on screen." This must have been the mom, voice a little deeper and, somehow, a lot more uppity. "Never mind you blindsiding me with it!"
"It doesn't matter what you're comfortable with, mother. This is the plot for the show." Huh. So, she was defending it now? "And I didn't tell you because I knew this would be your reaction."
"I'm not sure how this is going to play out with audiences," Mrs Chapman fretted, a reflection of how Piper had first voiced her concerns.
Alex considered leaving, but it kind of concerned her (it was as much of a justification as she could manage).
"You've got to know the targeted audience will eat this up. This isn't about that, is it?"
"Piper, I cannot have this storyline starting conversations. I cannot have anything getting out." Piper wasn't kidding when she said image meant a lot to her mother. The woman was an actor for goodness sake. Did that mean if she played a murderer the public would suddenly question whether she killed people herself?
"Nothing is getting out, mom! For all the public know I'm in a devoted relationship to Larry fucking Bloom." Interesting.
"And you are."
"So devoted." Alex could hear the sarcasm without having to see Piper's facial expression. So, the Romeo and Juliet relationship wasn't really a relationship after all? It wasn't surprising, considering just how dull the man seemed. Piper seemed to have a spark of adventure in her that rivalled the image of her settling down with somebody like Larry Bloom.
"Your relationship with Larry has boosted your image drastically."
"It's just painting another false narrative. Like always."
"Piper."
Carol Chapman was as stubborn as her daughter, it seemed. She supposed hiring your mother as your manager would have some complications, but this reeked of control.
"No, mom, that's just what you do. You ignore things until they go away by covering them up and then make a fuss when they reappear. It's what you've always done." Alex was drawn back to the balcony. The obvious pain Piper was feeling that she tried to patch up with anger directed towards her. Suddenly she felt like she was invading a private moment.
Like reading her diary.
She was going to back away, move on with her day like she hadn't overheard the argument between them, before her interest was piqued again.
"Is this about you and that writer?"
"What are you talking about?" There was genuine confusion in her voice.
"You and Vause. You're fucking her, aren't you?" Mrs Chapman spat the words like they'd burned her tongue. Venom.
Eyebrows rising into her hairline, Alex stood gaping over her coffee. Chancing a glance around the corner, she could only see the back of Piper – whose shoulders were tensed, arms outstretched in shock.
Carol Chapman was gazing at her daughter with what could only be described as malice.
Darting back to her previous position as not to be caught lurking, Alex listened as Piper protested, voice several octaves too high. "Jesus Christ! No, I'm not fucking her."
There was a tense moment of silence. Alex could feel the strain between them, the restless air where words failed them.
"Just- pretend, for me." Carol eventually said,
"Isn't that what I've always done?" Piper replied, voice soft and flat; despondent. Like they'd had this exact conversation a thousand times and it had the same result each time.
Fleeing in the opposite direction, she tried to act casual as she watched Piper turn the corner and head towards her trailer. Her expression revealed nothing, face impassive, another example of her brilliant acting.
Alex didn't understand half of the context but could infer that Piper's mom thought this would somehow make her appear gay...or turn gay – what with that accusation. Alex's head was spinning, and she almost wish she hadn't heard the conversation at all.
Is this why Piper had been trying to postpone her scene with Stella, because she knew the eventual fallout with her mother? That would mean she'd been hiding the whole storyline from her. There was no time to truly unpack the conversation, she had a meeting with her producers in ten minutes and an appointment with the beer in her mini-fridge when she got back to the hotel.
If she'd learned anything it was that if running from problems was a person, Piper might've been the perfect candidate.
•
It was dark when Nicky found her on the balcony. "Have you suddenly had an epiphany that you like views or some shit?"
Alex rolled her eyes, running a hand through her hair as Nicky lit up a cigarette. She offered one to Alex who shook her head, instead playing with the hem of her sweater.
Sitting out on the balcony felt natural. Her body had guided her there on instinct, chair turned just slightly in the direction of Piper's room. She had brought out her laptop and attempted to work on writing future scenes for the show to bring up at their next writers room meeting, but she'd barely managed to write a few lines before her eyes were straying from the screen.
Piper's interaction with her mother a few hours earlier was playing through her mind. Most prominent, the dynamic between them.
Alex had been searching for something to explain away Piper's almost suicide attempt. At first, she'd tried to blame alcohol (people did stupid things whilst drunk) - but she knew it was much more than that.
Mommy issues was just another candidate to the ever-growing list of potential causes of suicidal tendencies.
"Or are you planning your suicide. Cause I gotta tell ya – jumping from a height is about the worst way to go. Everyone knows you shoot yourself in the head."
"Nicky, I'm not in the mood for your bullshit," She said, ignoring the way her eyebrows shot up in surprise. It would only make her feel guilty.
"Woah. No suicide jokes, I get it." She held up her hands, cigarette dangling from her lips. "You sure you don't need one of these?"
"No, I need an entire bottle of tequila."
"Let me finish this and we'll go down to the bar." Alex acquiesced with a short nod. Although she didn't feel like leaving her room, she was desperately in need of a drink. "You might wanna freshen up a bit. No offence but you look like shit."
"Fuck you, Nichols," She spoke around a laugh, making her way inside to take her advice.
Nicky came banging on the door ten minutes later, taking a seat on her double as Alex touched up her makeup. It didn't take long, barely a few minutes before they were walking to the elevator and she was thinking of Piper trailing behind her, whining about her lost key.
They started with tequila shots. It was the burn she had been craving.
The hotel bar had a nice atmosphere; dim lighting and burgundy walls – a certain level of class to it. It was no Ritz, but it wasn't exactly a dive bar either. They stayed at the bar, sat on plush stools with their elbows leant against the deep oak. There were a few other patrons littered about, mostly black tie. Alex felt a little underdressed in her sweater and jeans. At least they hugged her ass.
"Are you ever gonna tell me what's up with you?" Nicky asked eventually, pushing another shot towards her. Vodka. It made her think of the club in the centre of Boston. Of Piper's breath against her ear and palm on her shoulder.
It only led to thoughts about the way she had ripped into her beside the cab, and the guilt that had nagged at her their journey home.
"Maybe," She said, tipping back the shot effortlessly without a wince. "Maybe not."
"I respect that," Nicky responded, sounding sincere enough.
"You do?" Meeting her eyes, Alex saw the shift.
"No," She snorted, shaking her head. Her hair moved with her – as unbridled as her sense of humour, "Not much I can do, however."
They moved onto whiskey – Alex relishing the rich taste as Nicky began telling her the ins and outs of her complicated relationship with Lorna, which seemed to be exactly the opposite of a relationship apart from the sex and Nicky being hopelessly in love with the girl. But what could you do, as Nicky put it.
Two whiskeys in, onto Alex's failed dating life recently, Piper appeared at the other end of the bar. "Jesus."
"What is it?" Nicky asked, craning her neck around.
Nodding towards the actress, Alex watched as Nicky followed her line of sight, jabbing her side with an elbow.
Piper noticed her once she'd settled with her drink, narrowing her eyes as if in challenge – daring Alex to approach with her disapproval or something equally as misplaced. She was wearing a simple, black dress that dipped at the neckline, a margarita in hand.
"I've had two too many whiskeys to deal with her tonight," Alex said, hand placed over her forehead.
"Then don't."
It was easier said than done. Piper had some sort of allure that ultimately had Alex's eyes on her half the time, whether she liked her or not. Piper seemed equally as attentive – whether it was some sort of worry that she'd disclose what had happened a few nights earlier, or something else, Alex didn't know.
On her fourth whiskey, Nicky talking to the server about something or other, Alex watched the way Piper sipped at her drink, an anticipatory look over the rim of her margarita. It was her second, maybe third.
Pinching the olive stick between her fingers, she ate one, quirking her eyebrows when Alex didn't break eye contact. Taking a quick sip of whiskey, she barely glanced at Nicky as she stood. "Wait here."
Piper seemed surprised at her sudden appearance but hid it well.
"What's a pretty girl like you doing in a bar all by herself?" She joked, placing her whiskey down and leaning into Piper's space.
The actress grimaced, "Gross," She scoffed, rolling her eyes. There was a hint of amusement in the smile she was holding back as she eyed her.
Getting a little too close, Alex watched as Piper eyed her warily. "Alex-" She placed a hand against her chest to hold her back, "You stink of whiskey."
"Thought I'd return the favour," She shrugged, leaning over to take a sip of her margarita. "What, can't handle a drunk woman, Piper? I sure as fuck had to. On multiple occasions."
"I apologised for that," Piper defended, swatting her hand away from her glass. Alex raised her eyebrows, unconvinced. "Okay, maybe I didn't–"
"Losing track of your apologies?"
Shooting a glare her way, Piper frowned. "If you're going to be an ass, just go back to Nicky."
"Again," She smirked, "Repaying the favour."
"Fuck you, Alex."
"You say that a lot, but I don't see you acting on it." Alex lifted her glasses onto her head, anticipating her response.
Piper's eyes shot up to hers, intense, locking them in a heated stare. She seemed almost bashful before she scoffed and glanced ahead at the bar, nonchalant. "You're fucking wasted."
"Are you just gonna sit there or are you gonna buy me a drink?" She teased, echoing her words from the night in Boston. "I'm thinking…vodka." She hushed the last part close to Piper's ear.
"I get it, okay?" There was an apologetic, almost humiliated, look on her face.
"I still want that vodka." Relenting a little, Alex took the stool next to hers, twisting her body towards the actress.
It was Piper's turn to smirk. "Are you sure you need any more drink?"
Oblivious to her mocking, Alex finished off her whiskey, shaking the empty glass. "Fuck yeah I do."
With a sigh, Piper called over the bartender and ordered a vodka and coke – glancing at Alex as she echoed the word single back to him. She wasn't going to complain, a drink was a drink.
The glass was placed in front of her, Piper offering a straw. "If you pace yourself it'll-" Alex ignored the offering and drank half the drink in one gulp, winking at her over the rim. "Never mind, I guess."
Briefly, in the back of her mind, she wondered why most of their conversations involved alcohol. It was when most of their semi-civil discussions took place. That fact should have made her leave. Instead, she shifted in her seat, getting more comfortable.
"Are you just gonna leave Nicky over there by herself?" Piper asked, sipping at her margarita and looking at Alex.
"Eh, she looks pretty occupied." The woman in question was leaning over the bar chatting to one of the servers with a flirty smile.
A few seconds of silence passed as Alex considered piper. She was wearing minimal makeup, the hint of dark circles under her eyes, but in that moment, Alex wanted to kiss the living hell out of her. Fuck, tequila made her so needy.
"Is this your way of checking in on me?" Piper said eventually, breaking the eye contact by looking down at her glass. She shifted the lime about with a straw.
"I thought we were forgetting about that?"
"You clearly haven't."
"I haven't mentioned it once tonight."
Piper clenched her fist, exhaling shakily. "Then why are you here?"
You looked hot. "You looked lonely."
Jutting her chin upwards, she shot her a sideways glance. "I was perfectly content by myself."
Leaning her jaw on her palm, Alex tilted her head as she studied the woman beside her. The world shifted slightly on its axis – the tell-tale sign that the alcohol was catching up to her. "Are you telling me to piss off?"
Piper squinted, shifting her hair behind her ear. "Depends, are you gonna buy me another margarita?"
"If I do, are you gonna lose your room key?" Piper wasn't exactly known for handling her alcohol.
"Why, are you offering a place to stay?" Piper met her eyes in another intense stare. Alex tried to quell the sudden need to swallow.
It must've been the margaritas the actress had been drinking. Yet, there was an echo of Carol Chapman's words in the back of her mind, the urge to suppress anything from getting out, the question about whether Piper was fucking her. And then she turned to logic. Piper having any interest in women was an abstract idea formed from wishful, tequila fuelled, thinking.
For one, no woman on the Kinsey Scale would object to kissing Stella Carlin – onscreen or not. Secondly, even with a good PR team, somebody as relevant and watched as Piper Chapman wouldn't be able to hide her sexuality if she tried.
"Are you asking?"
Quickly, Piper looked back down at her glass – picking at the lime. "That's a lot of questions."
Alex shook her head, marvelling at the way Piper flipped between moods like a fucking emotion chart. It gave her whiplash.
"Yeah, you have that affect," She muttered, beckoning over the bartender and reciting off an order she had given too often recently. "Enjoy your drink, Kid."
Before she could second guess herself, she was making her way back to Nicky, turning her stool away from the other end of the bar. Yeah, she'd had too much to drink to deal with Piper.
AN: Hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks again for the reviews! I suspect the updates might slow a little in the upcoming weeks as I'll be a lot more busy. I'm not sure how many chapters this will have but I don't tend to exceed 7. But we'll see.
