Note: Nodoka's uh . . . 'mid-life crisis'continues . . . and continues . . . and continues some more, but for the record it is meant to end in this story. Not this chapter, but before the story ends, I wanted to free her from the spell.
Charlotte's Sequel!
Chapter VIII!
The Voices . . .
. . . The sun shone bright on the unworthy earth. The earth that had no idea what sort of trouble it would soon go through . . .
The gears are set in motion
. . . The world would soon know . . .
I will corrupt the minds of the willing
. . . The universe would tremble . . .
It's time . . . I'm ready
. . . Evil would reign again! . . .
"Yeh-hooo!" Happosai shouted as he burst through the door of the Tendo home!
. . . Raise your hand if you saw that coming . . .
"Akane! Akane! How's about a kiss for a weary traveler?" The tiny martial arts master asked. He looked around . . . this was quite possibly the second most unusual sight he'd ever seen.
All the furniture in the living room was piled up with a large reclining chair set up on top, Soun sat there glaring down and him.
"You! Where were you on the night of September the first, seventeen seventy seven?"
"Wit yo mama!" Happi cried. "Not even I'm that old, you dope!"
"Sorry, we thought you were someone else." Akane said.
"Akane!" Happi cried, leaping for her chest only to be stopped by Ranma's fist. "Ouch! That wasn't nice, I'm weary after my travels, doncha know it's a tradition for the most beautiful woman of the family to kiss a traveler after a long journey?"
"Since when?" Akane demanded.
Happi scratched his head for a moment. "Since yesterday" he decided, but Akane just rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her breasts. That caused the adaptive Happi to forge a new idea, he splashed Ranma with cold water (he always carried a bucket) and leapt, landing between Ranko's breasts, and making himself quite comfortable. "So, what're you all up to anyway?"
"Die!" Ranko screamed, strangling the little old man.
"We're going to ambush Nabiki when she gets back, make her confess to her crimes and then force her to live her life as we see fit." Soun explained.
"CHSTOOKOOKOUI!" (Translation: I'm choking)
"I know it seems harsh, but some times you've got to be firm with the children, or they'll never learn." Soun said.
"Well she is eighteen." Some guy pointed out. "It would have been illegal for me to offer her the contract if she were any younger."
"RSSSPHHHOOOCCCKKK!" (Translation: Who's that? What contract!? Let me go, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again)
"That's Yutaro, he owns that Hot Springs we went to once, the one that we thought was haunted, but in truth he was swimming around attacking people because he's some sick peeping tom with a hard on for sneak attacks. Tried to rape Akane." Soun said.
Yutaro gapped at Soun. "I never did that!"
Soun scoffed. "From up here I am the judge, whatever I say is truth, therefore unless you want another black eye you agree with me and shut up."
Happi was running out of air so he was forced to resort to licking Ranko's hand. She threw him at the wall and ran over to start stomping on him when he finished slowly sliding down.
Ten minutes later things calmed down and the old man began to make his demands.
"First, I demand to be the judge."
"Denied!" Soun chuckled.
"Prosecutor?"
"I called it." Genma said.
"Defense?"
"I'm taking care of that." Akane said.
"Co-Defense!" Happi insisted.
"Denied!" Soun cried.
"Jury?"
"Denied!" Kasumi, Ukyo, Nodoka and Ranma all shouted.
"Can I be the person who sits in the back and gets annoying cell phone calls?" Happi pleaded.
"Hmm . . . very well." Soun agreed.
Happi rubbed his hands together. "So what did little Nabiki do?"
"She's hookin'." Ranma scoffed.
"What?!" Happi roared in outrage! "Didn't we teach that girl anything? Any morals? Doesn't she have any self respect? Who's her pimp, I want to give that son of a gun a piece of my mind!" The old man screamed as he reached for his wallet.
"Don't listen to Ranma, he's lying." Akane scowled.
"Aww . . ." Happi felt hurt as never before.
"She'll be acting in my new movie." Yutaro said.
Happi scratched his head. "Eh?"
"It's porn." Ranma said.
"It must be my birthday!" Happi screamed and began to dance like a drunk monkey. He paused. "And Akane?"
"Will not." Akane scowled.
"Outrageous! You belong on the big screen, my girl! You belong on the big screen!!!" Happi screamed and began to cry. So close, so very close to bliss. At least one of the apples had rolled a good mile away from the tree.
"That screaming's getting really annoying." Ranma warned.
"What about you Kasumi?" Happi asked.
"I've decided to open a restaurant."
"Hmm . . . I get to mooch off Kasumi's restaurant--"
"You do?" Kasumi looked confused.
"I get to roll around in the stolen undergarments of a pron queen--"
"You have my underwear!?" Yutaro gasped.
"But Akane still refuses to kiss me . . . among other things . . . well two out of three ain't bad, today would be going great if not for my vision, but oh well, I wont let it bother me."
"Vision?" Soun asked.
"Yes." Happi nodded.
"Since when do you have visions, old man?" Ranko demanded.
"Never mind that, boy, the point is I had one." Happi said sternly.
"What vision? What was it about?" Soun begged.
"The one foretelling the doom of your family." Happi shrugged. "It's why I came back."
"Tell me of this vision." Soun said nervously.
"I want to be the judge." Happi said.
"Done! Now tell me of this vision!" Soun begged.
"All in good time, now I've got some sentencing to do . . . Guilty!! Not guilty!!"
Nabiki yawned, and stretched. She shoved Ryoga out of bed to wake him, he fell flat on his face and kept right on sleeping.
He was doing it to spite her, she was sure of it.
"Wake up." She said firmly, Ryoga ignored her.
Nabiki sighed and jumped out of bed–onto Ryoga.
That woke him up.
"Hey!"
"Oh sorry, didn't see you there honey." Nabiki said, stepping off of him.
"Sure you didn't." Ryoga grumbled, getting up.
"Well wake up, we've got to get out of here, so get with the program or I'll turn you back into P-Chan and carry you out."
Ryoga sighed and got up. He looked around and frowned. "Where are we?"
"A motel." Nabiki said simply. She sighed when Ryoga scowled. "Hey, you knew the moment I agreed to take a walk with you that we'd end up in a cheap motel."
"If this is all you wanted why did we bother to leave your house?"
"Good question." Nabiki shrugged. "Well at least this way I know we wont get caught."
"Caught doing what?" Ryoga frowned.
"Caught . . . uh . . . y'know." Nabiki shrugged.
Ryoga yawned. "We didn't even do anything last night."
Nabiki frowned. "Hey you're right, we were just sleepy! What a rip off. You wanna do it now?"
"Too early in the day." He teased her.
"Yeah? Be that way. I'll trick you into it sooner or later." She warned him. "Well . . . shall we sneak out of here?" Nabiki asked.
"We paid for the room already." Ryoga observed.
Nabiki sighed. "I'm so pathetic."
"That's not . . . oh, you're pathetic? Yeah, I guess you are." Ryoga laughed, Nabiki glared daggers at him. "Oh fine, that's not true, what makes you say that?"
"I'm losing my touch! I paid for a room that we didn't even use!"
"We did use–"
"Not in the proper way." Nabiki sighed. "Let's just get home before Kasumi figures something out. Maybe everyone else came back."
"The old man's vocal cords sure have gotten stronger since he left us." Ranko scowled.
"I hold you in contempt! Now hold me in your arms!" Happi cried, leaping from Soun's former chair straight into Ranko's shirt.
"I am being touched in my naughty places!" Ranko shouted. Then added, "Again!"
"Go tell a lawyer!" Soun snapped, "Where the devil is Nabiki?"
"Good morning everyone." Yoshimi said, emerging from the guest room, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
For someone who'd just woken up she looked as if she'd spent the last two hours combing her hair and applying makeup. Soun sighed, if only he were ten . . . eh twenty . . . well maybe thirty years younger.
Now he'd lost his train of thought, what was he going to do if he were thirty years younger? He decided to forget the entire issue.
"Good morning Yoshimi, I trust you slept well." Kasumi said.
"Oh-ho very well indeed." The billionaire's daughter laughed. "Now that I know how to win Ryoga's heart that is."
"See, I told Kasumi you'd figure out about his love of curry bread eventually." Ranma sighed.
"What? What are you talking about?" Yoshimi frowned.
"Uh . . . what are you talking about?"
Yoshimi chuckled. "Well naturally I've found out about his little transformation problem. I am going to correct it." Yoshimi said.
"I see . . ." Ranma nodded. Then the light of realization dawned on her. "You mean you'll cure Ryoga if he marries you?"
"Exactly." Yoshimi nodded. "My husband must be perfect in every way and . . ." She raised an eyebrow at Ranko and Genma, who had gone down to one knee and were now proposing to her. Akane was being held back by Kasumi and Nodoka was being held back by Yutaro . . . actually it looked sort of like Yutaro was feeling her up . . . more like Nodoka and Yutaro were– "Oh!" Soun turned away at the sight. "Control! Control! Nodoka, you must learn control!" He cried.
"Uh . . ." Yoshimi frowned, "I do not require any additional husbands . . . or wives and while I do not wish to offend you I . . . do not really know either one of you."
"We'll get to know each other!" Ranko pleaded. "You'll find I'd do anything for the cure!" he winked at Yoshimi, suddenly the TV slammed into the back of her head. (Ranko's, not Yoshimi's)
"My love!" Soun cried, rushing over to the wreckage.
"Anything for the cure?" Akane roared, her hands seemed magnetically drawn to Ranko's throat.
"I was lying Akane!" Ranko feebly protested as her fiancee began to strangle her. "Y-you know I want our first time t-to be special!"
"Oh really?" Akane gasped, releasing Ranko.
"Yeah, of course." Ranko said, looking into her eyes. Was this it? Was this the moment where they would confess their undying love? Soun felt anxious as the two gazed at one another . . .
"Oh Ranma!" Akane cried, throwing her arms around him, their lips came closer and closer, a kiss was imminent! The fact that they were both girls only made it better.
"I'll get you the cure for a quickie." Yoshimi said.
"Deal!" Ranko cried without a millisecond of hesitation. Akane's loving embrace became the icy grip of death once more.
"Oh-ho-ho I was only kidding." Yoshimi giggled. "You know it's easy to tell just by looking at you what a close friendship you two share."
"That's . . . right . . ." Ranma gasped for air.
"Best pals!" Akane grunted through teeth clenched in a murderous grin. "I can't wrap my hands any tighter around this scrawny neck!"
"P-please Akane! I . . . I've always . . . loved you!" Ranma gasped.
"Oh really?" Akane squealed, throwing her arms around her again and hugging her.
"Oh . . . that's sweet." Soun said. "And a little scary."
"Oh yeah!" Nodoka cried. "Oh yes! Yes!"
"I'm glad you agree–UGH!" Soun said, forgetting Nodoka's previous position and making the mistake of looking back at her and Yutaro, now in the process of breaking in the new dining room table.
"Who's the best, baby? Who's the best!" Yutaro cried.
"Happosai!"
"Uh . . . who's second best?"
"Ryoga's dad!"
"Third best?"
"That helicopter pilot!"
"We'll who the heck's on top of you right now?" Yutaro demanded.
"Uh . . . Kasumi?" Nodoka wondered, apparently coming to the realization that she didn't have a clue who she was with.
"Close enough!" Yutaro decided, and the two continued.
"Why aren't I on that list?" Genma demanded, "I'm your husband!"
"Sorry dear, he didn't ask me who the fifteenth best was!" Nodoka cried.
"Uh . . . kids, go upstairs." Soun said.
"But . . . it's so . . . educational." Ukyo said.
"Mommy!" Ranko wept. "Why do you do these things? You're ruining our already broken family!"
"Oh don't worry, you can have him when I'm finished!" Nodoka gasped. "Ooh! Never mind, go find someone else this one's all mine!"
"Upstairs, upstairs!" Soun cried, shooing Ranma, Ukyo, Yoshimi, Akane and Kasumi upstairs.
"But father, I'm twenty years old!" Kasumi protested. "And Ukyo is right, this is educational! I didn't know it was supposed to go in there!"
"It isnt! Upstairs with the rest! Take the old master with you!" Soun cried Though Happi was kicking and screaming the meanest profanities known to man as Ranma and Akane struggled to get him upstairs, Genma pouted and stomped up stairs. "You ain't the boss of me!" He shouted as he scaled the stairs. "I'll hate you forever!"
"Not you Saotome! You can stay!" Soun sighed.
"Oh. Well then I wont hate you forever." Genma smiled. "H-Hey! No-Chan you never let me do that to you!"
"You were never flexible enough darling!"
"G'on, bring that up!"
"I will not be denied!" Happi cried, escaping from Ranma and bouncing down the stairs, Soun sighed, massaging his forehead.
"This is incredible, are you sure you're twenty one?" Yutaro gasped.
"Okay, I lied . . . I'm eighteen." Nodoka moaned.
"You're thirty seven!" Genma protested.
"He lies! He lies!" Nodoka cried.
Soun shook his head. "Why is it always my house?" He grumbled. "Saotome, I remember you having a perfectly good house. And where is Nabiki?"
As a matter of fact Nabiki and Ryoga were standing right outside. The screaming, moaning and such however had them petrified. "Whatever's going on in there must be truly terrible." Nabiki said.
"They're waiting for us to come in, practicing all the death giving techniques they're going to use on us." Ryoga reasoned.
"Or worse . . ." Nabiki gasped in realization.
"What's worse than death?" Ryoga asked.
Nabiki frowned at him. If Yutaro were in there it was entirely possible that he'd told her father everything and the screams and moans were his death cries as the Tendo family proceeded to torture him to within an inch of his life. "Let's just . . . try to sneak in through the back." Nabiki decided.
The young man was sitting on the bar stool, twisting it back and forth as he explained the way things worked to the bartender. "Be it single celled organisms or a so-called 'advanced'culture, life goes on." He explained, "Do I believe in aliens? Not in the way you suspect. Slime creatures from outer space–"
"How many times have you given this rant?" A gruff voice demanded.
The young man turned his stool around to face the speaker, it was a tall man wearing a long white Nehru jacket, at least a dozen gold rings decorated each of the sleeves. His hair was long, red and well kept, he was tall and thin but the young man knew this person possessed more strength than men thrice his size.
"I have explained my point of view thirty seven times."
"To what point and purpose? Do you leave the people you harass with your mindless dribble any wiser?"
"For a few seconds." The young man chuckled.
The older man shook his head. He reached into his jacket, the younger man tensed. "Wait! Jun . . . what have I done?" He asked.
"I think you know, Maro." Jun whispered.
"So . . . it comes to this then? I suppose I should be honored that they sent a master of your renown." Maro slouched.
Jun glared at him intensely for a moment. Maro shuddered, waiting impatiently for the assassin to simply get on with it. To his surprise what Jun revealed from inside his coat was not a weapon, but a pair of bronze rings, like the gold ones decorating his jacket. He tossed them to Maro, who caught them deftly. "What is this?"
"You are completely clueless today, aren't you?" Jun chuckled. "They mark your rank, and the number of targets you've successfully eliminated."
"I know what they are! What I meant was . . . why are you giving these to me?"
"You managed to eliminate two guild targets. You've been given two bronze."
"But I'm not part of the guild!" Maro whispered.
"Now you are." Jun shrugged. "Are you going to drink this?" He asked, grabbing Maro's beer.
"I don't drink." Maro shrugged.
"I suppose that explains your hatred of bars." Jun chuckled, taking a swig from the drink. "Gah, no wonder you don't drink, the stuff here's enough to ruin alcohol for anyone, even me." He slammed the empty glass down onto the table. "I'm outta here." Jun scoffed.
"Wait a second!" Maro protested, "Aren't new initiates supposed to be given a task to prove their worth?"
"Heavens you're right!" Jun gasped. He chuckled, "How could I have forgotten?" He reached into his jacket again and handed Maro two pages torn from a book. "Here you go."
Maro looked at the papers. Ranma Saotome. Ryoga Hibiki. Fairly detailed biographies and a list of techniques and weapons. Maro slumped. He'd been hoping for a president, or a big time CEO, or someone worthy of his intellect and skill, not a pair of nobodies.
"They'll lead you to the one you want." Jun explained. Maro's shoulders straightened right away.
"They know where the dolt is hiding?" Maro demanded. The Master Assassin just shrugged, Maro slammed his fist down on the bar in excitement, "I'll track these two down and force them to spill their guts before I spill their guts! Then I'll finally have Lo-Chun!"
Jun laughed. "Careful you don't underestimate these two, if you do your membership in this guild will be a short one."
Maro chuckled, looking at the two young men. "A pair of martial artists? Master Jun I thank you for giving me such an easy assignment, when I climb to the top of the guild ladder I'll remember this favor."
Jun chuckled. "Believe me Maro, you're doing me the favor."
Han Lo-Chun stared out at the beauty that was her home village.
Well . . . beauty wasn't really the word. It was sort of a slum. Somehow she remembered it being grander.
She shook her head. She did not like this place. 'I suppose I might as well get this over with.' Han decided, setting off towards the place.
"Stop right there!" Shampoo cried in their native tongue. "You go no further."
Lo-Chun turned around and sighed. "I'm here on important business, and time is of the essence . . . of something. Anyway I do not like this place, do not force me to stay any longer than necessary!"
"You have come for Sun Set?"
"Well . . . duh."
"Great Grandmother commanded me not to let you near Sun Set!"
"That old ghoul really does have it in for me, doesn't she? Well then I suppose the question is 'what are you going to do to stop me'eh?"
"Get over yourself." Shampoo scoffed. "You fight worse than stupid Mousse!"
Lotion fell to her knees and began to weep. "I know! I am pathetic!" She wailed. "A disgrace to all Amazons! I am not even worthy of life!"
"There, there . . . that's not . . . well it is true, but it's not so bad." Shampoo said uncertainly, trying to comfort the hysterical girl. Lotion got up and hugged her, weeping onto Shampoo's shoulder.
"Oh Shampoo!" She wept, "You've always been my one true friend! I love you so! I really love you!"
She could sense how uncomfortable this made the other girl, however while Shampoo worried about what a passer by might think she failed to worry about the assassin in her arms pretending to weep. Han drew one of her knives, it would be over in a heartbeat.
She held Shampoo closer, the other girl squirmed a bit, Lo-Chun shut her eyes tight and brought her knife in as quick and hard as she could.
. . .
. . .
The hilt hit Shampoo on the back of the head, knocking her unconscious. Lo-Chun frowned and made sure the other girl was still alive then shook her head. "Trained to kill and I cant even get rid of my arch enemy? I really am pathetic! Not even I can deny how poor my aim was!" She mumbled, leaving her enemy alive as she turned towards the village and her meeting with Sun Set.
"I know life has been difficult for you." Mousse said soothingly, "I cannot begin to imagine the emotional pain you must have endured, Lo-Chun . . ."
But Lo-Chun just stood there. Mousse wasn't wearing his glasses, he wanted to try to use his sex-appeal on the scrawny amazon and convince her to see reason. However she seemed unaffected, just stood there watching him.
"Elder Cologne is not all that bad, if you cooperate she loses interest in you eventually. Wont you come back with me?" It was pure luck that he'd found her before she could get to the village, especially since he'd accidentally boarded a plane to Korea misreading the gate number, and had to come back.
Lo-Chun let out a loud bellow, Mousse shook his head, "Crying about it wont solve anything. Neither will killing Sun Set. Come home with me now, we'll sort things out there, I'll help you . . . I'm your friend."
Lo-Chun seemed to agree, she marched over to Mousse and picked him up with her gigantic antlers.
Antlers?
Mousse decided not to let it bother him. He just didn't get feminine fashion.
As they headed back for the Cat Café some man pointed at them and shouted, "That's gotta be the most impressive moose I've ever seen!"
"Thank you!" Mousse shouted, "I 'have'been working out!"
Sun Set was an attractive young woman, but then so were most Amazons. She was twenty one, had a small home where she lived with her husband and her grandparents, whom she loved dearly. Apart from that . . . well she just wont be around long enough for you to care. She whistled merrily to herself as she prepared dinner for her family.
A shadow fell over her, and the hairs on the back of her neck began to rise, she turned around and saw a young woman standing in her doorway watching her. This young woman was dressed in an unusual fashion but her slim build and silvery hair told Set who it was right away. "Lo-Chun!" She cried a little nervously. "What brings you back home?"
The younger amazon approached her slowly, something about her movements reminded Set of a panther circling it's prey waiting for the right moment to pounce. Of course as predators go Set knew Lo-Chun was more of a panda . . . she tried to envision a panda circling it's prey waiting to pounce, but it wasn't working.
"Are you hungry?" Set asked.
The assassin just shrugged. "I have no time for food."
"So what have you come for?" Set asked, readying herself for battle.
"Don't worry. This isnt about revenge–"
"You're here for revenge?"
"No! I just told you, it's not about revenge! I . . . have a problem."
"I know all about it." Set shrugged.
"Well then what should I do?" Lo-Chun asked.
"I think you know the answer to that." Set said softly. "You're smarter than you think, after all you've figured out who told him where you were."
The younger girl shook her head and Set was shocked to realize that she'd come all this way not knowing. Would it be wise to tell her?
"I should be in Japan." Lo-Chun said, "I left them unprepared and barely aware, I allowed my cowardice to prevail and I abandoned the closest thing I've had to a family in years."
"I see . . ." Sun Set frowned. "But you returned here to ask me what to do when in fact you already know?"
"If I go back I'll be killed."
"Isnt family worth dying for?" Set asked. The younger woman looked at her for a long time without saying anything, so she continued, "I haven't always been the best of friends to you, though you were usually too naive to notice it . . ."
"I noticed." Lo-Chun sighed.
"Well still . . . when that man came into town looking for you I thought it was too perfect to be true. Here was an attractive, seemingly intelligent young man who seemed almost obsessed with you and anything I could tell him about you."
"You . . ." Lo-Chun gasped.
"He claimed that you were a close friend of his, that you'd been separated by accident and now he had no way of locating you, he simply asked if I had any idea and I told him, simple as that. I thought if you married some outsider and left the tribe your enmity with Cologne would end."
"I see . . ." Lo-Chun whispered. "Maybe I really should be here fore revenge . . ."
"I didn't think it would put you or anyone else in danger." Set explained.
"People have already died because of him!" Lo-Chun cried, "More are in danger now, people who have become important to me are in danger!"
"Then why are you still here?" Set asked.
Lo-Chun shook her head. "I came because . . . the next time Maro and I meet, I swear one of us will not survive. Maybe . . . neither of us will."
"You came to say goodbye?" Set raised an eyebrow.
Lo-Chun shook her head. "At first I came to hide and settle a score with a certain tree. But on my way here I realized that there are things worth dying for. So I need a special something. Something that only you can give me."
Set laughed wickedly. "I understand now. But the elder wont be pleased if I give you what you ask for."
"Elder Cologne can blow it out her–"
"I get it, I get it." Set said, turning to rummage through the cupboards for the various poisons she'd need.
"And what are your qualifications?" Tofu asked. "What makes you think you've got what it takes to be part of this organization?"
"Well I'm talking to you." The toaster said.
"That's very true. What do you think Betty?"
"I think you need to find help." The skeleton sighed.
"Betty, please." Tofu sighed back.
"Oh fine. I think the leaf blower was more impressive, but being able to make toast is just awesome. Imagine, toast whenever you want it! However I have to say neither one of them can replace the chainsaw."
"My thoughts exactly." Tofu nodded.
"No kidding." Betty sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tofu demanded.
"I think you think I'll say you know what it means."
"Fine, I'll let that one go." Tofu said. "I'm sorry toaster, but you're just not right for this organization."
"Screw you buddy!" The toaster cried. "Next time you put bread in me it's coming out black as midnight!"
"Don't be that way. Next!" Tofu shouted.
"Uh excuse me? Dr. Tofu?" Some lady asked.
"Yes that's me. Who might you be?"
"It's me, Konatsu?"
"Oh . . . you're not a lady." Tofu frowned.
"Of course not!" Konatsu frowned back, "What ever would give you that idea?"
Tofu thought for a moment, then decided to politely drop the subject. "What brings you here?"
"Well it's just that Ukyo hasn't been to the restaurant today, I thought she might be here."
"Look in the basement!" Betty cried.
"Shut up, Betty!" Tofu squealed, "No one goes in that basement!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Konatsu looked confused.
"But you just throw things in there, I mean it's not like you bother to check what it is you've already got down there. I think the roaches have made an advanced civilization." Betty said.
"But the basement is where I put all the bodies!"
"What!?" Konatsu yelped.
"That caught me by surprise and I'm an extension of your own imagination." Betty admitted.
"Now look what you've done Betty, he knows too much!" Tofu sighed, massaging his forehead.
"Uh . . . I'll just be going now." Konatsu said.
"Wait! It was a joke!" Tofu cried, not entirely sure if he was telling the truth but Konatsu ran out of his office and bolted off towards the Tendo training hall.
Tofu scratched his chin. "What is in the basement?"
"You don't have a basement!" Betty sighed.
"Oh yeah!" Tofu chuckled. "I swear, I get so caught up in my work sometimes it makes me crazy!"
"No kidding," Betty sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tofu demanded.
After some time passed Yutaro and Nodoka finished their unholy business and Ranma (who had since transformed back to his male self), Akane and the others were allowed back down stairs. "So tell us old man," Ranma scoffed at Happosai, "What's this dire prediction of doom you're selling?"
Happi shook his head. "It's terrible Ranma, really terrible. The house will be destroyed in a horrific whirlwind, everyone in it will be killed, I see you falling from a high place to your certain doom, alas I don't know the cause but I cant just turn my back on all of you."
"I don't suppose your vision told you if Nabiki would be home some time today did it?" Soun growled.
"I saw her death as well, so I suppose she'll show up sooner or later."
Just then there was a knock at the door, Akane rushed over to it, Ranma sighed when he saw it was just Konatsu.
"What the heck are you doing here?" Ukyo demanded.
"You didn't come back yesterday and you haven't shown up today, I wanted to find out where you were." Konatsu said.
"Who's watching the restaurant?" Ukyo demanded.
"Those pink ninjas."
"Oh right. Well I went with Ranma honey to the hospital, then we came back here and I got the be part of the jury, and I got all sidetracked. I've barely slept."
"Jury?" Kontasu wondered.
"We're having family court . . . as soon as Nabiki shows up."
"I was wondering why your furniture was so oddly arrayed . . . but I did not want to be rude." Yoshimi said.
"Why do you look so shaken up, sugar?" Ukyo asked Konatsu.
"Oh it's nothing . . . nothing." The beautiful boy said. He paused . . . "Tofu went nuts again!" He cried.
"Not again!" Akane complained. "I'm not breaking him out of the asylum again!"
"Are you kidding!" Ranma shouted, "If you even think of suggesting it I'll be the one strangling you! I will not go to prison again! The soap! The soap!"
"Now, now," Kasumi said holding and comforting Ranma, "Remember, soap is your friend as long as it's green . . . green is the safety color, remember . . . Konatsu dropped the soap too and he's fine."
"Actually I rather enjoyed it." Konatsu admitted.
"Uh . . . moving on," Kasumi said, "How do you know Dr. Tofu is insane? They dismantled his chainsaw didn't they?"
"He's talking to toasters now."
"Oh no, not that!" Kasumi gasped.
"And he was yelling at some woman named Betty."
Kasumi flinched, her supportive hug began to resemble one of Akane's as she slowly wrung Ranma's neck.
'Today is not my day!'He decided.
"Betty?" She asked.
"You know . . . his skeleton." Akane said.
Kasumi's face twisted and changed for a second, it was like looking into the face of pure unbridled anger that made Akane look like a sworn pacifist, suddenly she was back to normal and she released Ranma. "Well if Betty is already a skeleton I guess it saves me a lot of trouble."
"Uh . . . what?" Konatsu frowned.
"It's nothing. Don't concern yourself with it." Kasumi smiled. "As I said, moving on . . ."
"Right," Nabiki said, "Let's focus on the important things, namely that loud report a moment ago."
"Yes," Soun nodded, "Nodoka you'll have to learn to control your sexual urges . . ." Soun looked at the girl who'd just spoken to him, "Is it just me, or is there twelve where once there was ten?"
"Yeah, we just snuck in through--" Ryoga began to point out, Nabiki stepped on his foot.
"Oh of course daddy, Konatsu just walked in." Nabiki said with a disarming smile.
"Wait . . . weren't you . . ." Soun struggled with the answer.
"Standing right here with everyone else this whole time? Yes I was." Nabiki said calmly.
"You just got here!" Ranma cried.
"No I didn't."
"Curses, there's jut no arguing with her logic!" Ranma scowled sarcastically.
Soun shook his head, "No, no, he's right! We were waiting for you!"
"No you weren't." Nabiki said.
"Curses!" Soun cried in defeat.
"Now just a minute young lady, maybe my boy and your dad are morons but you wont outsmart me with your stuff that you do!" Genma warned.
"Yes I will." Nabiki shrugged.
"Darn it all, I'm defeated!" Genma wailed.
"Curse her and her mind control powers!" Ukyo cried.
"I'm not using them." Nabiki shrugged. "These three are just sort of . . . stupid."
Ranma bristled. "I'm one of those three right?"
"Yes."
"Hey!" He protested. Now he had to see Nabiki go down.
"Ranma, why don't you blow off some steam outside?" Akane offered.
"What?" Ranma scratched his head.
"You and Ryoga were going to duel right? So why don't you guys go do that now?"
"Good idea." Nabiki said.
"Jeez it's like you're our mothers arranging a play date." Ranma scoffed.
"No kidding." Ryoga agreed.
"Just go you two." Akane said. "Dad will remember why we were going to have family court sooner or later, when he does it isnt going to be pretty."
"Don't act like I cant hear you! I'm standing right here!" Soun cried.
"I want to watch this ugly sight." Ranma explained, "I want to see her go down hard, vengeance for all the wrongs she's committed on me!"
"How many times do you need to get revenge for that one little defeat?" Nabiki demanded.
"'Least one more." Ranma grinned.
"I should stay, it was my idea to go out last night." Ryoga said. "We didn't mean to stay out all night y'know." He added to Soun.
"I'm pretty sure that's not what this is about." Nabiki said, giving Yutaro an appraising look, the actor just shrugged helplessly and she slapped her forehead.
"Go." Akane said firmly, looking at Ranma she whispered, "I really don't want him to know about this, if we can talk Nabiki out of it he never has to . . . please Ranma, if you wont do it for your friend's sake do it for me?"
Ranma couldn't help but pout. Aside from wanting to see Nabiki get in trouble he'd wanted to see Ryoga dump her, their relationship itself seemed wrong to him. But Akane seemed really dead set on the two staying together so . . .
"Winner gets a cookie." Kasumi offered.
"That cookie bit might have worked if I were like twelve." Ranma scoffed. Then sighed, "I'm just kidding, I really do want a cookie. C'mon Ryoga, let's go."
"Hey wait a minute–" Ryoga began but Ukyo shoved him out the door anyway.
"Vote's three to one sugar, you're outta here!" She said and she slammed the door on Ryoga and Ranma.
"Don't even worry about it, she'll be fine." Ranma offered.
Ryoga shook his head. "You know what she's on trial for, don't you?"
"Yes." Ranma shrugged.
Ryoga scratched his chin. "It's something bad. Something she doesn't want me to know about, something that's got her dad angry enough to pile all his furniture up in the infamously unstable but locally feared pyramid of judgement."
"Hey," Ranma said lightly, "If ya beat me, I'll just tell you what it is."
Ryoga shook his head again. "I'll wait until she's willing to tell me."
"And if she never is?"
"Well then I guess I'll just never know." Ryoga shrugged. Ranma shook his head. This guy was pathetic, if his girlfriend was hiding something from him he should be trying to ferret out the truth any way he could like every other man in the world, not just rolling over and accepting it. "As for beating you," Ryoga continued, "well that it's own reward."
"Too bad it's one you'll never get." Ranma grinned.
"Keep talking Saotome, all the more words for you to eat." Ryoga scoffed and started to walk off.
"Ryoga . . . dojo's this way." Ranma said.
"Uh . . . I knew that." Ryoga said, turning around and walking in the direction Ranma had pointed.
"No wait . . . it's this way." Ranma said, pointing in another direction.
"Now you're just messing with me." Ryoga scowled.
"Yep." Ranma chuckled.
"Just lead the way, we'll see who's laughing when we get there." Ryoga shook his head.
"Here's a hint: it'll be me." Ranma laughed.
"There, now that we've avoided catastrophe," Soun began, but Ukyo cut him off,
"Actually you've just doomed your dojo to utter destruction."
"Right . . . well now what's left of this house has avoided catastrophe," Soun explained, "Imagine the depression Ryoga will suffer when he learns the news, he wont be able to control it, the blast would destroy the whole house. I just hope Ranma's not stupid enough to tell him, if he does everyone in the dojo will probably die."
"Yoshimi . . . why don't you go and cheer Ryoga on?" Nabiki asked.
The rich girl smiled wickedly and nodded knowingly. "Oh absolutely. Good luck with your execution."
Nabiki mouthed a couple obscenities at Yoshimi's back, Akane shuddered at how extensive her sister's vocabulary was and how well she formed almost purely profane sentences without having to reuse any of the words.
"Well now we can get down to business. Nabiki, is there anything you'd like to confess?"
"I really have no idea what you're so upset about daddy." Nabiki said innocently.
"But you sure didn't object to getting Ryoga out of here." Akane pointed out.
"I just agreed because it meant Ranma would be gone" Nabiki shrugged. "Incidentally how long has Yutaro been here?"
"Long enough to get it on with your auntie Nodoka."
"So like . . . three minutes? Four?"
Soun shook his head. "Just confess, we already know, he told us everything."
"Everything? Then why should I confess?"
"Good point. Shall we just sentence you then?" Happi asked.
"Confess and you get a lighter sentence!" Soun added.
Nabiki shrugged, "What's the big deal?" She asked. "It's not like I did anything wrong . . . right?"
Akane scoffed. What was she talking about? Of course this was wrong! "You're going to be a porn star! You'll have to change your name to something like Jenny Jugs! How can you not see the problem with this?"
"Aha! So that's all he told you!" Nabiki cried in triumph, "Oh-ho the things I nearly confessed to! Thank heavens Akane is so reliably gullible!"
Everyone glared at Akane–except Nabiki, who beamed gratitude–she lowered her head in shame.
"Nabiki," Soun said, "You have to have known that we'd never allow it."
Nabiki shrugged. "I knew you'd be upset, I just didn't see how it was your decision to make."
"Nabiki, imagine for a moment that ten years from now you've got a eight year old son and he watches Yutaro's movie," Kasumi said, "What are you going to tell him?"
Nabiki shrugged, "Bet ya didn't know that's me you're whackin'off to, did'ja junior? What's that? You did know!? Go to your room right now!"
Kasumi sighed, Ukyo laughed until Soun gave her a warning glare, Akane shook her head. "Nabiki," Akane said, "What are you going to tell Ryoga if he ever sees it?"
"Happy birthday." Nabiki said simply.
"Curses, she's planned her defense well." Genma said.
"Look, try to understand," Nabiki said in an almost pleading tone, "it's not like I plan to spend the rest of my life giving blow jobs and faking orgasms, that's auntie Nodoka's calling–"
"I didn't fake a minute ago!" Nodoka said, still glowing after her encounter with Yutaro.
"Oh-ho . . . anyway this is just to gain a little renown, then I can work on real movies." Nabiki shrugged. "Lots of actresses get their start with smut films."
"Uh . . . name three." Akane said.
"Later." Nabiki scoffed. "Point is this is just a starting point, I promise."
"But you don't know how to act, you never took any classes!" Soun protested.
"I act all the time!" Nabiki protested.
"No, you manipulate people, there's a difference." Kasumi said.
"So I'll manipulate them in a different way." Nabiki shrugged. "Point is that now I'll be paid to do it! So maybe I have to expose myself to a few cameras, big deal. If you want I'll use some of the fortune I'll be making to pay for acting lessons."
"You cant expect to make a bundle with every movie, not all the directors out there will be as stupid as Yutaro." Soun said.
"Yeah . . . hey!" Yutaro protested. "Why am I stupid?"
"Well . . ." Kasumi said calmly, "what did Ryoga have to say about it?"
"About what?" Nabiki asked.
"About you being a whore." Kasumi said innocently, she threw her hands up in surrender before Nabiki could throttle her, "I meant 'exotic' actress."
"He doesn't know." Nabiki admitted.
Akane shook her head angrily. "Yutaro, please talk some sense into her."
"Uh . . . I want her to act in my movie, remember?" Yutaro sighed.
"Good point." Soun scratched his chin. "I still refuse to allow my daughter to have anything to do with such a film."
"You cant stop me." Nabiki said stubbornly.
"If you do this, I'll disown you!" Soun warned. Akane gapped at him, was he serious?
"Fine. Disown me." Nabiki scoffed. "I don't need this broken family anyway!"
"No! No! I was bluffing! Forgive me!" Soun wept and groveled. He added as an after thought, "Is the family really broken?"
"Pretty badly." Genma said.
"You're one to talk!" Soun shouted.
While dad and uncle Saotome started getting into a heated argument over who's family was more severely broken Nabiki snuck off to her room. Akane followed her, refusing to let her sister make such a mistake!
Ranma and Ryoga had only just arrived at the dojo, and were preparing to fight to the gruesome death when Yoshimi entered, Ryoga sighed.
"Bubble Gum," she said, "I have the most wonderful news!"
Ryoga sighed again. "What do you want?"
"It's not what I want that matters, it's what you want my dear. And I can give you what you want!"
"Can you wait until I'm done with him?" Ranma demanded, Ryoga raised an eyebrow at Ranma.
'What's she got?' He wondered.
"Oh fine, just ask her." Ranma scoffed.
Ryoga turned to Yoshimi, "Well? What've you got?" He asked.
Yoshimi gave him a cute smile . . . it didn't fool him, he still didn't like her. "I'm sorry you thought you had to hide your curse from me . . . but I can help you fix it."
"What?" Ryoga whispered.
"Well . . . if you forget about Nabiki and marry me we'll honeymoon in China . . ."
Ryoga shuddered as he realized what she meant. Could he just give up Nabiki if it meant being free of P-Chan? It wasn't a secret anymore, but it also wasn't as if Akane finding out had been the only problem, the cold hard truth was that P-Chan was his greatest weakness and he'd lost a few fights because of it.
But maybe someday he could find the cure himself, did he really need Yoshimi's help? Was it worth losing Nabiki?
"Hey man," Ranma said, "don't go making any decisions right off the bat, think it through, this might be your only chance to be rid of your alter-ego."
"Yes! Yes! Listen to your friend, he knows what he's talking about!" Yoshimi nodded.
"But is P-Chan so bad? I mean let's face it, you'll be able to fit handily into small places, and I bet Nabiki makes Yoshimi seem frigid."
"Lies! Lies! Don't listen, he has no idea what he's talking about!" Yoshimi cried, shaking her fist at Ranma who just sneered.
Ryoga whispered. "I want to be rid of P-Chan more than anything else . . ."
"Victory!" Yoshimi cried, making a V with her fingers.
"But I want to marry Nabiki even more than that!" Ryoga scowled.
Yoshimi seemed taken aback. "No . . ." She whispered. "It can't be! I was so sure . . . you're leaving me no choice my love, I must break your heart if I am to win it." She said with obviously feigned sadness. She reached into her pocket and revealed an envelop, she checked it's contents then handed it to Ryoga. "Compliments of a skilled Photographer by the name of Gosunkugi."
Ryoga raised an eyebrow at Yoshimi. "This envelope is supposed to break my heart? What is it, pictures of Ranko in the nude? Because I've seen her chest like a thousand times."
"Hey!" Ranma shouted.
"Something far worse." Yoshimi said.
"Hey!" Ranma protested. "My female form is pretty darn hot!"
Ryoga sighed and opened the envelope to examine the pictures . . .
Nabiki fell down onto her bed and sighed. So much fuss over such a trivial matter! She wanted to just call it quits but it was too late, she'd signed the contract, and she couldn't just change her mind about college now! There was no way she was going to any of these cheap imitation universities.
Uninvited, Akane appeared to interrupt her solitude. Nabiki sighed and Akane came over to her, sitting down on the bed, rubbing her shoulder in what she probably thought was a comforting manner.
"Go . . . away." Nabiki grumbled.
"Nabiki . . . you're better than this. Do you really want this as your future? So maybe it's easy money, big deal! This isnt you."
"Yes it is." Nabiki scoffed. "Who else would it be? Kasumi?"
Akane shook her head. "What if I said 'please'?"
Nabiki smiled warmly. "Okay then Akane. That's all I really wanted."
Akane sighed. "You're right, no one would fall for that one."
Nabiki sat up and took a deep breath. "Akane, I'm not going to be doing this forever, it's just temporary. I mean it."
"But you're not an actress!"
"I'll learn quick." Nabiki scoffed. "Let's say I go to college, ace my classes, who's to say I'll get a job in the field I want? If I do, who's to say I wont just lose that job? Now here I have a job before me, it's something I can easily do, and be paid quite a lot of money for, why should I refuse?"
"Because you know refusing is the right thing to do?" Akane offered.
"Yeah, maybe ten years ago it was." Nabiki scoffed. "Times have changed and the kids ain't all right or whatever, this sort of thing is perfectly okay nowadays, in a few more years certain religions might even start supporting it."
"Uh . . . no, I don't think that's ever going to happen." Akane said.
Nabiki laughed weakly, "Daddy would probably have a heart attack if I go through with this." She admitted.
"Probably." Akane nodded.
"And of course I'll lose Ryoga." Nabiki reasoned.
"Yep." Akane nodded again.
"Kasumi would probably never let me live it down." Nabiki sighed.
"Never." Akane said.
"So . . . I guess I'll just have to give it up. Be a normal, chaste young woman like you guys want." Nabiki sighed in resignation.
"You're the best!" Akane cried, hugging her sister.
'And you're a sucker.' Nabiki thought.
And meanwhile . . .
Kuno woke sitting under the tree with Kinnosuke. He jumped up and groaned in lament, Nabiki! He must have missed her! He grabbed Kinnosuke by the collar and shook him awake, but it didn't work so he tore the tape away from the other boy's mouth with one swift stroke.
The scream shattered a few windows, sent birds flying and most other animals running for the hills. "You!" He shouted, "Did Nabiki Tendo show up after I went to sleep?"
"How should I know? Let me down from here!" Kinnosuke cried.
"She did didn't she? You dated her and then tapped yourself to the tree again thinking I'd be none the wiser!" Kuno accused.
"If I'd gotten free I'd have tapped you to this tree!" Kinnosuke shouted.
Kuno scowled, he decided he couldn't just leave Kinnosuke here . . . but now that he had to track Nabiki down he didn't want this slime getting a head start on him . . .
"If I let you go . . . you must not get in between me and Nabiki Tendo ever again!"
"Screw you, once I'm free I'm going to sweep her off her feet just to spite you!" Kinnosuke growled.
"Then we are rivals." Tatewaki said dramatically.
"Rivals? I wouldn't even call us that. You're just a pretender." Kinnosuke sneered.
Kuno scowled at him. "Nabiki Tendo will be mine!"
"Then let me loose." Kinnosuke said. "After all, if you've got courage, and faith in your ability to win said beauty's heart, then a little friendly competition cant hurt."
"Indeed." Kuno agreed, cutting Kinnosuke free.
Kinnosuke glared at him, Tatewaki flinched under the murderous gleam in the other boy's eyes. However nothing came of it, rather than launching into a murderous fury Kinnosuke instead took great care removing the tape from his cloths without damaging them.
Next Time . . . Shampoo is pissed off (I wonder why . . .), and Maro ambushes Ranma and Ryoga! Given the right . . . 'incentive', can Ryoga be forced to change his mind about non-lethal victories? To make matters worse (or better) it looks like Nabiki wont be a porn star after all . . . such a pity. What changes Yutaro's mind?
Charlotte's Sequel!
Chapter VIII!
The Voices . . .
. . . The sun shone bright on the unworthy earth. The earth that had no idea what sort of trouble it would soon go through . . .
The gears are set in motion
. . . The world would soon know . . .
I will corrupt the minds of the willing
. . . The universe would tremble . . .
It's time . . . I'm ready
. . . Evil would reign again! . . .
"Yeh-hooo!" Happosai shouted as he burst through the door of the Tendo home!
. . . Raise your hand if you saw that coming . . .
"Akane! Akane! How's about a kiss for a weary traveler?" The tiny martial arts master asked. He looked around . . . this was quite possibly the second most unusual sight he'd ever seen.
All the furniture in the living room was piled up with a large reclining chair set up on top, Soun sat there glaring down and him.
"You! Where were you on the night of September the first, seventeen seventy seven?"
"Wit yo mama!" Happi cried. "Not even I'm that old, you dope!"
"Sorry, we thought you were someone else." Akane said.
"Akane!" Happi cried, leaping for her chest only to be stopped by Ranma's fist. "Ouch! That wasn't nice, I'm weary after my travels, doncha know it's a tradition for the most beautiful woman of the family to kiss a traveler after a long journey?"
"Since when?" Akane demanded.
Happi scratched his head for a moment. "Since yesterday" he decided, but Akane just rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her breasts. That caused the adaptive Happi to forge a new idea, he splashed Ranma with cold water (he always carried a bucket) and leapt, landing between Ranko's breasts, and making himself quite comfortable. "So, what're you all up to anyway?"
"Die!" Ranko screamed, strangling the little old man.
"We're going to ambush Nabiki when she gets back, make her confess to her crimes and then force her to live her life as we see fit." Soun explained.
"CHSTOOKOOKOUI!" (Translation: I'm choking)
"I know it seems harsh, but some times you've got to be firm with the children, or they'll never learn." Soun said.
"Well she is eighteen." Some guy pointed out. "It would have been illegal for me to offer her the contract if she were any younger."
"RSSSPHHHOOOCCCKKK!" (Translation: Who's that? What contract!? Let me go, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again)
"That's Yutaro, he owns that Hot Springs we went to once, the one that we thought was haunted, but in truth he was swimming around attacking people because he's some sick peeping tom with a hard on for sneak attacks. Tried to rape Akane." Soun said.
Yutaro gapped at Soun. "I never did that!"
Soun scoffed. "From up here I am the judge, whatever I say is truth, therefore unless you want another black eye you agree with me and shut up."
Happi was running out of air so he was forced to resort to licking Ranko's hand. She threw him at the wall and ran over to start stomping on him when he finished slowly sliding down.
Ten minutes later things calmed down and the old man began to make his demands.
"First, I demand to be the judge."
"Denied!" Soun chuckled.
"Prosecutor?"
"I called it." Genma said.
"Defense?"
"I'm taking care of that." Akane said.
"Co-Defense!" Happi insisted.
"Denied!" Soun cried.
"Jury?"
"Denied!" Kasumi, Ukyo, Nodoka and Ranma all shouted.
"Can I be the person who sits in the back and gets annoying cell phone calls?" Happi pleaded.
"Hmm . . . very well." Soun agreed.
Happi rubbed his hands together. "So what did little Nabiki do?"
"She's hookin'." Ranma scoffed.
"What?!" Happi roared in outrage! "Didn't we teach that girl anything? Any morals? Doesn't she have any self respect? Who's her pimp, I want to give that son of a gun a piece of my mind!" The old man screamed as he reached for his wallet.
"Don't listen to Ranma, he's lying." Akane scowled.
"Aww . . ." Happi felt hurt as never before.
"She'll be acting in my new movie." Yutaro said.
Happi scratched his head. "Eh?"
"It's porn." Ranma said.
"It must be my birthday!" Happi screamed and began to dance like a drunk monkey. He paused. "And Akane?"
"Will not." Akane scowled.
"Outrageous! You belong on the big screen, my girl! You belong on the big screen!!!" Happi screamed and began to cry. So close, so very close to bliss. At least one of the apples had rolled a good mile away from the tree.
"That screaming's getting really annoying." Ranma warned.
"What about you Kasumi?" Happi asked.
"I've decided to open a restaurant."
"Hmm . . . I get to mooch off Kasumi's restaurant--"
"You do?" Kasumi looked confused.
"I get to roll around in the stolen undergarments of a pron queen--"
"You have my underwear!?" Yutaro gasped.
"But Akane still refuses to kiss me . . . among other things . . . well two out of three ain't bad, today would be going great if not for my vision, but oh well, I wont let it bother me."
"Vision?" Soun asked.
"Yes." Happi nodded.
"Since when do you have visions, old man?" Ranko demanded.
"Never mind that, boy, the point is I had one." Happi said sternly.
"What vision? What was it about?" Soun begged.
"The one foretelling the doom of your family." Happi shrugged. "It's why I came back."
"Tell me of this vision." Soun said nervously.
"I want to be the judge." Happi said.
"Done! Now tell me of this vision!" Soun begged.
"All in good time, now I've got some sentencing to do . . . Guilty!! Not guilty!!"
Nabiki yawned, and stretched. She shoved Ryoga out of bed to wake him, he fell flat on his face and kept right on sleeping.
He was doing it to spite her, she was sure of it.
"Wake up." She said firmly, Ryoga ignored her.
Nabiki sighed and jumped out of bed–onto Ryoga.
That woke him up.
"Hey!"
"Oh sorry, didn't see you there honey." Nabiki said, stepping off of him.
"Sure you didn't." Ryoga grumbled, getting up.
"Well wake up, we've got to get out of here, so get with the program or I'll turn you back into P-Chan and carry you out."
Ryoga sighed and got up. He looked around and frowned. "Where are we?"
"A motel." Nabiki said simply. She sighed when Ryoga scowled. "Hey, you knew the moment I agreed to take a walk with you that we'd end up in a cheap motel."
"If this is all you wanted why did we bother to leave your house?"
"Good question." Nabiki shrugged. "Well at least this way I know we wont get caught."
"Caught doing what?" Ryoga frowned.
"Caught . . . uh . . . y'know." Nabiki shrugged.
Ryoga yawned. "We didn't even do anything last night."
Nabiki frowned. "Hey you're right, we were just sleepy! What a rip off. You wanna do it now?"
"Too early in the day." He teased her.
"Yeah? Be that way. I'll trick you into it sooner or later." She warned him. "Well . . . shall we sneak out of here?" Nabiki asked.
"We paid for the room already." Ryoga observed.
Nabiki sighed. "I'm so pathetic."
"That's not . . . oh, you're pathetic? Yeah, I guess you are." Ryoga laughed, Nabiki glared daggers at him. "Oh fine, that's not true, what makes you say that?"
"I'm losing my touch! I paid for a room that we didn't even use!"
"We did use–"
"Not in the proper way." Nabiki sighed. "Let's just get home before Kasumi figures something out. Maybe everyone else came back."
"The old man's vocal cords sure have gotten stronger since he left us." Ranko scowled.
"I hold you in contempt! Now hold me in your arms!" Happi cried, leaping from Soun's former chair straight into Ranko's shirt.
"I am being touched in my naughty places!" Ranko shouted. Then added, "Again!"
"Go tell a lawyer!" Soun snapped, "Where the devil is Nabiki?"
"Good morning everyone." Yoshimi said, emerging from the guest room, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
For someone who'd just woken up she looked as if she'd spent the last two hours combing her hair and applying makeup. Soun sighed, if only he were ten . . . eh twenty . . . well maybe thirty years younger.
Now he'd lost his train of thought, what was he going to do if he were thirty years younger? He decided to forget the entire issue.
"Good morning Yoshimi, I trust you slept well." Kasumi said.
"Oh-ho very well indeed." The billionaire's daughter laughed. "Now that I know how to win Ryoga's heart that is."
"See, I told Kasumi you'd figure out about his love of curry bread eventually." Ranma sighed.
"What? What are you talking about?" Yoshimi frowned.
"Uh . . . what are you talking about?"
Yoshimi chuckled. "Well naturally I've found out about his little transformation problem. I am going to correct it." Yoshimi said.
"I see . . ." Ranma nodded. Then the light of realization dawned on her. "You mean you'll cure Ryoga if he marries you?"
"Exactly." Yoshimi nodded. "My husband must be perfect in every way and . . ." She raised an eyebrow at Ranko and Genma, who had gone down to one knee and were now proposing to her. Akane was being held back by Kasumi and Nodoka was being held back by Yutaro . . . actually it looked sort of like Yutaro was feeling her up . . . more like Nodoka and Yutaro were– "Oh!" Soun turned away at the sight. "Control! Control! Nodoka, you must learn control!" He cried.
"Uh . . ." Yoshimi frowned, "I do not require any additional husbands . . . or wives and while I do not wish to offend you I . . . do not really know either one of you."
"We'll get to know each other!" Ranko pleaded. "You'll find I'd do anything for the cure!" he winked at Yoshimi, suddenly the TV slammed into the back of her head. (Ranko's, not Yoshimi's)
"My love!" Soun cried, rushing over to the wreckage.
"Anything for the cure?" Akane roared, her hands seemed magnetically drawn to Ranko's throat.
"I was lying Akane!" Ranko feebly protested as her fiancee began to strangle her. "Y-you know I want our first time t-to be special!"
"Oh really?" Akane gasped, releasing Ranko.
"Yeah, of course." Ranko said, looking into her eyes. Was this it? Was this the moment where they would confess their undying love? Soun felt anxious as the two gazed at one another . . .
"Oh Ranma!" Akane cried, throwing her arms around him, their lips came closer and closer, a kiss was imminent! The fact that they were both girls only made it better.
"I'll get you the cure for a quickie." Yoshimi said.
"Deal!" Ranko cried without a millisecond of hesitation. Akane's loving embrace became the icy grip of death once more.
"Oh-ho-ho I was only kidding." Yoshimi giggled. "You know it's easy to tell just by looking at you what a close friendship you two share."
"That's . . . right . . ." Ranma gasped for air.
"Best pals!" Akane grunted through teeth clenched in a murderous grin. "I can't wrap my hands any tighter around this scrawny neck!"
"P-please Akane! I . . . I've always . . . loved you!" Ranma gasped.
"Oh really?" Akane squealed, throwing her arms around her again and hugging her.
"Oh . . . that's sweet." Soun said. "And a little scary."
"Oh yeah!" Nodoka cried. "Oh yes! Yes!"
"I'm glad you agree–UGH!" Soun said, forgetting Nodoka's previous position and making the mistake of looking back at her and Yutaro, now in the process of breaking in the new dining room table.
"Who's the best, baby? Who's the best!" Yutaro cried.
"Happosai!"
"Uh . . . who's second best?"
"Ryoga's dad!"
"Third best?"
"That helicopter pilot!"
"We'll who the heck's on top of you right now?" Yutaro demanded.
"Uh . . . Kasumi?" Nodoka wondered, apparently coming to the realization that she didn't have a clue who she was with.
"Close enough!" Yutaro decided, and the two continued.
"Why aren't I on that list?" Genma demanded, "I'm your husband!"
"Sorry dear, he didn't ask me who the fifteenth best was!" Nodoka cried.
"Uh . . . kids, go upstairs." Soun said.
"But . . . it's so . . . educational." Ukyo said.
"Mommy!" Ranko wept. "Why do you do these things? You're ruining our already broken family!"
"Oh don't worry, you can have him when I'm finished!" Nodoka gasped. "Ooh! Never mind, go find someone else this one's all mine!"
"Upstairs, upstairs!" Soun cried, shooing Ranma, Ukyo, Yoshimi, Akane and Kasumi upstairs.
"But father, I'm twenty years old!" Kasumi protested. "And Ukyo is right, this is educational! I didn't know it was supposed to go in there!"
"It isnt! Upstairs with the rest! Take the old master with you!" Soun cried Though Happi was kicking and screaming the meanest profanities known to man as Ranma and Akane struggled to get him upstairs, Genma pouted and stomped up stairs. "You ain't the boss of me!" He shouted as he scaled the stairs. "I'll hate you forever!"
"Not you Saotome! You can stay!" Soun sighed.
"Oh. Well then I wont hate you forever." Genma smiled. "H-Hey! No-Chan you never let me do that to you!"
"You were never flexible enough darling!"
"G'on, bring that up!"
"I will not be denied!" Happi cried, escaping from Ranma and bouncing down the stairs, Soun sighed, massaging his forehead.
"This is incredible, are you sure you're twenty one?" Yutaro gasped.
"Okay, I lied . . . I'm eighteen." Nodoka moaned.
"You're thirty seven!" Genma protested.
"He lies! He lies!" Nodoka cried.
Soun shook his head. "Why is it always my house?" He grumbled. "Saotome, I remember you having a perfectly good house. And where is Nabiki?"
As a matter of fact Nabiki and Ryoga were standing right outside. The screaming, moaning and such however had them petrified. "Whatever's going on in there must be truly terrible." Nabiki said.
"They're waiting for us to come in, practicing all the death giving techniques they're going to use on us." Ryoga reasoned.
"Or worse . . ." Nabiki gasped in realization.
"What's worse than death?" Ryoga asked.
Nabiki frowned at him. If Yutaro were in there it was entirely possible that he'd told her father everything and the screams and moans were his death cries as the Tendo family proceeded to torture him to within an inch of his life. "Let's just . . . try to sneak in through the back." Nabiki decided.
The young man was sitting on the bar stool, twisting it back and forth as he explained the way things worked to the bartender. "Be it single celled organisms or a so-called 'advanced'culture, life goes on." He explained, "Do I believe in aliens? Not in the way you suspect. Slime creatures from outer space–"
"How many times have you given this rant?" A gruff voice demanded.
The young man turned his stool around to face the speaker, it was a tall man wearing a long white Nehru jacket, at least a dozen gold rings decorated each of the sleeves. His hair was long, red and well kept, he was tall and thin but the young man knew this person possessed more strength than men thrice his size.
"I have explained my point of view thirty seven times."
"To what point and purpose? Do you leave the people you harass with your mindless dribble any wiser?"
"For a few seconds." The young man chuckled.
The older man shook his head. He reached into his jacket, the younger man tensed. "Wait! Jun . . . what have I done?" He asked.
"I think you know, Maro." Jun whispered.
"So . . . it comes to this then? I suppose I should be honored that they sent a master of your renown." Maro slouched.
Jun glared at him intensely for a moment. Maro shuddered, waiting impatiently for the assassin to simply get on with it. To his surprise what Jun revealed from inside his coat was not a weapon, but a pair of bronze rings, like the gold ones decorating his jacket. He tossed them to Maro, who caught them deftly. "What is this?"
"You are completely clueless today, aren't you?" Jun chuckled. "They mark your rank, and the number of targets you've successfully eliminated."
"I know what they are! What I meant was . . . why are you giving these to me?"
"You managed to eliminate two guild targets. You've been given two bronze."
"But I'm not part of the guild!" Maro whispered.
"Now you are." Jun shrugged. "Are you going to drink this?" He asked, grabbing Maro's beer.
"I don't drink." Maro shrugged.
"I suppose that explains your hatred of bars." Jun chuckled, taking a swig from the drink. "Gah, no wonder you don't drink, the stuff here's enough to ruin alcohol for anyone, even me." He slammed the empty glass down onto the table. "I'm outta here." Jun scoffed.
"Wait a second!" Maro protested, "Aren't new initiates supposed to be given a task to prove their worth?"
"Heavens you're right!" Jun gasped. He chuckled, "How could I have forgotten?" He reached into his jacket again and handed Maro two pages torn from a book. "Here you go."
Maro looked at the papers. Ranma Saotome. Ryoga Hibiki. Fairly detailed biographies and a list of techniques and weapons. Maro slumped. He'd been hoping for a president, or a big time CEO, or someone worthy of his intellect and skill, not a pair of nobodies.
"They'll lead you to the one you want." Jun explained. Maro's shoulders straightened right away.
"They know where the dolt is hiding?" Maro demanded. The Master Assassin just shrugged, Maro slammed his fist down on the bar in excitement, "I'll track these two down and force them to spill their guts before I spill their guts! Then I'll finally have Lo-Chun!"
Jun laughed. "Careful you don't underestimate these two, if you do your membership in this guild will be a short one."
Maro chuckled, looking at the two young men. "A pair of martial artists? Master Jun I thank you for giving me such an easy assignment, when I climb to the top of the guild ladder I'll remember this favor."
Jun chuckled. "Believe me Maro, you're doing me the favor."
Han Lo-Chun stared out at the beauty that was her home village.
Well . . . beauty wasn't really the word. It was sort of a slum. Somehow she remembered it being grander.
She shook her head. She did not like this place. 'I suppose I might as well get this over with.' Han decided, setting off towards the place.
"Stop right there!" Shampoo cried in their native tongue. "You go no further."
Lo-Chun turned around and sighed. "I'm here on important business, and time is of the essence . . . of something. Anyway I do not like this place, do not force me to stay any longer than necessary!"
"You have come for Sun Set?"
"Well . . . duh."
"Great Grandmother commanded me not to let you near Sun Set!"
"That old ghoul really does have it in for me, doesn't she? Well then I suppose the question is 'what are you going to do to stop me'eh?"
"Get over yourself." Shampoo scoffed. "You fight worse than stupid Mousse!"
Lotion fell to her knees and began to weep. "I know! I am pathetic!" She wailed. "A disgrace to all Amazons! I am not even worthy of life!"
"There, there . . . that's not . . . well it is true, but it's not so bad." Shampoo said uncertainly, trying to comfort the hysterical girl. Lotion got up and hugged her, weeping onto Shampoo's shoulder.
"Oh Shampoo!" She wept, "You've always been my one true friend! I love you so! I really love you!"
She could sense how uncomfortable this made the other girl, however while Shampoo worried about what a passer by might think she failed to worry about the assassin in her arms pretending to weep. Han drew one of her knives, it would be over in a heartbeat.
She held Shampoo closer, the other girl squirmed a bit, Lo-Chun shut her eyes tight and brought her knife in as quick and hard as she could.
. . .
. . .
The hilt hit Shampoo on the back of the head, knocking her unconscious. Lo-Chun frowned and made sure the other girl was still alive then shook her head. "Trained to kill and I cant even get rid of my arch enemy? I really am pathetic! Not even I can deny how poor my aim was!" She mumbled, leaving her enemy alive as she turned towards the village and her meeting with Sun Set.
"I know life has been difficult for you." Mousse said soothingly, "I cannot begin to imagine the emotional pain you must have endured, Lo-Chun . . ."
But Lo-Chun just stood there. Mousse wasn't wearing his glasses, he wanted to try to use his sex-appeal on the scrawny amazon and convince her to see reason. However she seemed unaffected, just stood there watching him.
"Elder Cologne is not all that bad, if you cooperate she loses interest in you eventually. Wont you come back with me?" It was pure luck that he'd found her before she could get to the village, especially since he'd accidentally boarded a plane to Korea misreading the gate number, and had to come back.
Lo-Chun let out a loud bellow, Mousse shook his head, "Crying about it wont solve anything. Neither will killing Sun Set. Come home with me now, we'll sort things out there, I'll help you . . . I'm your friend."
Lo-Chun seemed to agree, she marched over to Mousse and picked him up with her gigantic antlers.
Antlers?
Mousse decided not to let it bother him. He just didn't get feminine fashion.
As they headed back for the Cat Café some man pointed at them and shouted, "That's gotta be the most impressive moose I've ever seen!"
"Thank you!" Mousse shouted, "I 'have'been working out!"
Sun Set was an attractive young woman, but then so were most Amazons. She was twenty one, had a small home where she lived with her husband and her grandparents, whom she loved dearly. Apart from that . . . well she just wont be around long enough for you to care. She whistled merrily to herself as she prepared dinner for her family.
A shadow fell over her, and the hairs on the back of her neck began to rise, she turned around and saw a young woman standing in her doorway watching her. This young woman was dressed in an unusual fashion but her slim build and silvery hair told Set who it was right away. "Lo-Chun!" She cried a little nervously. "What brings you back home?"
The younger amazon approached her slowly, something about her movements reminded Set of a panther circling it's prey waiting for the right moment to pounce. Of course as predators go Set knew Lo-Chun was more of a panda . . . she tried to envision a panda circling it's prey waiting to pounce, but it wasn't working.
"Are you hungry?" Set asked.
The assassin just shrugged. "I have no time for food."
"So what have you come for?" Set asked, readying herself for battle.
"Don't worry. This isnt about revenge–"
"You're here for revenge?"
"No! I just told you, it's not about revenge! I . . . have a problem."
"I know all about it." Set shrugged.
"Well then what should I do?" Lo-Chun asked.
"I think you know the answer to that." Set said softly. "You're smarter than you think, after all you've figured out who told him where you were."
The younger girl shook her head and Set was shocked to realize that she'd come all this way not knowing. Would it be wise to tell her?
"I should be in Japan." Lo-Chun said, "I left them unprepared and barely aware, I allowed my cowardice to prevail and I abandoned the closest thing I've had to a family in years."
"I see . . ." Sun Set frowned. "But you returned here to ask me what to do when in fact you already know?"
"If I go back I'll be killed."
"Isnt family worth dying for?" Set asked. The younger woman looked at her for a long time without saying anything, so she continued, "I haven't always been the best of friends to you, though you were usually too naive to notice it . . ."
"I noticed." Lo-Chun sighed.
"Well still . . . when that man came into town looking for you I thought it was too perfect to be true. Here was an attractive, seemingly intelligent young man who seemed almost obsessed with you and anything I could tell him about you."
"You . . ." Lo-Chun gasped.
"He claimed that you were a close friend of his, that you'd been separated by accident and now he had no way of locating you, he simply asked if I had any idea and I told him, simple as that. I thought if you married some outsider and left the tribe your enmity with Cologne would end."
"I see . . ." Lo-Chun whispered. "Maybe I really should be here fore revenge . . ."
"I didn't think it would put you or anyone else in danger." Set explained.
"People have already died because of him!" Lo-Chun cried, "More are in danger now, people who have become important to me are in danger!"
"Then why are you still here?" Set asked.
Lo-Chun shook her head. "I came because . . . the next time Maro and I meet, I swear one of us will not survive. Maybe . . . neither of us will."
"You came to say goodbye?" Set raised an eyebrow.
Lo-Chun shook her head. "At first I came to hide and settle a score with a certain tree. But on my way here I realized that there are things worth dying for. So I need a special something. Something that only you can give me."
Set laughed wickedly. "I understand now. But the elder wont be pleased if I give you what you ask for."
"Elder Cologne can blow it out her–"
"I get it, I get it." Set said, turning to rummage through the cupboards for the various poisons she'd need.
"And what are your qualifications?" Tofu asked. "What makes you think you've got what it takes to be part of this organization?"
"Well I'm talking to you." The toaster said.
"That's very true. What do you think Betty?"
"I think you need to find help." The skeleton sighed.
"Betty, please." Tofu sighed back.
"Oh fine. I think the leaf blower was more impressive, but being able to make toast is just awesome. Imagine, toast whenever you want it! However I have to say neither one of them can replace the chainsaw."
"My thoughts exactly." Tofu nodded.
"No kidding." Betty sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tofu demanded.
"I think you think I'll say you know what it means."
"Fine, I'll let that one go." Tofu said. "I'm sorry toaster, but you're just not right for this organization."
"Screw you buddy!" The toaster cried. "Next time you put bread in me it's coming out black as midnight!"
"Don't be that way. Next!" Tofu shouted.
"Uh excuse me? Dr. Tofu?" Some lady asked.
"Yes that's me. Who might you be?"
"It's me, Konatsu?"
"Oh . . . you're not a lady." Tofu frowned.
"Of course not!" Konatsu frowned back, "What ever would give you that idea?"
Tofu thought for a moment, then decided to politely drop the subject. "What brings you here?"
"Well it's just that Ukyo hasn't been to the restaurant today, I thought she might be here."
"Look in the basement!" Betty cried.
"Shut up, Betty!" Tofu squealed, "No one goes in that basement!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Konatsu looked confused.
"But you just throw things in there, I mean it's not like you bother to check what it is you've already got down there. I think the roaches have made an advanced civilization." Betty said.
"But the basement is where I put all the bodies!"
"What!?" Konatsu yelped.
"That caught me by surprise and I'm an extension of your own imagination." Betty admitted.
"Now look what you've done Betty, he knows too much!" Tofu sighed, massaging his forehead.
"Uh . . . I'll just be going now." Konatsu said.
"Wait! It was a joke!" Tofu cried, not entirely sure if he was telling the truth but Konatsu ran out of his office and bolted off towards the Tendo training hall.
Tofu scratched his chin. "What is in the basement?"
"You don't have a basement!" Betty sighed.
"Oh yeah!" Tofu chuckled. "I swear, I get so caught up in my work sometimes it makes me crazy!"
"No kidding," Betty sighed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tofu demanded.
After some time passed Yutaro and Nodoka finished their unholy business and Ranma (who had since transformed back to his male self), Akane and the others were allowed back down stairs. "So tell us old man," Ranma scoffed at Happosai, "What's this dire prediction of doom you're selling?"
Happi shook his head. "It's terrible Ranma, really terrible. The house will be destroyed in a horrific whirlwind, everyone in it will be killed, I see you falling from a high place to your certain doom, alas I don't know the cause but I cant just turn my back on all of you."
"I don't suppose your vision told you if Nabiki would be home some time today did it?" Soun growled.
"I saw her death as well, so I suppose she'll show up sooner or later."
Just then there was a knock at the door, Akane rushed over to it, Ranma sighed when he saw it was just Konatsu.
"What the heck are you doing here?" Ukyo demanded.
"You didn't come back yesterday and you haven't shown up today, I wanted to find out where you were." Konatsu said.
"Who's watching the restaurant?" Ukyo demanded.
"Those pink ninjas."
"Oh right. Well I went with Ranma honey to the hospital, then we came back here and I got the be part of the jury, and I got all sidetracked. I've barely slept."
"Jury?" Kontasu wondered.
"We're having family court . . . as soon as Nabiki shows up."
"I was wondering why your furniture was so oddly arrayed . . . but I did not want to be rude." Yoshimi said.
"Why do you look so shaken up, sugar?" Ukyo asked Konatsu.
"Oh it's nothing . . . nothing." The beautiful boy said. He paused . . . "Tofu went nuts again!" He cried.
"Not again!" Akane complained. "I'm not breaking him out of the asylum again!"
"Are you kidding!" Ranma shouted, "If you even think of suggesting it I'll be the one strangling you! I will not go to prison again! The soap! The soap!"
"Now, now," Kasumi said holding and comforting Ranma, "Remember, soap is your friend as long as it's green . . . green is the safety color, remember . . . Konatsu dropped the soap too and he's fine."
"Actually I rather enjoyed it." Konatsu admitted.
"Uh . . . moving on," Kasumi said, "How do you know Dr. Tofu is insane? They dismantled his chainsaw didn't they?"
"He's talking to toasters now."
"Oh no, not that!" Kasumi gasped.
"And he was yelling at some woman named Betty."
Kasumi flinched, her supportive hug began to resemble one of Akane's as she slowly wrung Ranma's neck.
'Today is not my day!'He decided.
"Betty?" She asked.
"You know . . . his skeleton." Akane said.
Kasumi's face twisted and changed for a second, it was like looking into the face of pure unbridled anger that made Akane look like a sworn pacifist, suddenly she was back to normal and she released Ranma. "Well if Betty is already a skeleton I guess it saves me a lot of trouble."
"Uh . . . what?" Konatsu frowned.
"It's nothing. Don't concern yourself with it." Kasumi smiled. "As I said, moving on . . ."
"Right," Nabiki said, "Let's focus on the important things, namely that loud report a moment ago."
"Yes," Soun nodded, "Nodoka you'll have to learn to control your sexual urges . . ." Soun looked at the girl who'd just spoken to him, "Is it just me, or is there twelve where once there was ten?"
"Yeah, we just snuck in through--" Ryoga began to point out, Nabiki stepped on his foot.
"Oh of course daddy, Konatsu just walked in." Nabiki said with a disarming smile.
"Wait . . . weren't you . . ." Soun struggled with the answer.
"Standing right here with everyone else this whole time? Yes I was." Nabiki said calmly.
"You just got here!" Ranma cried.
"No I didn't."
"Curses, there's jut no arguing with her logic!" Ranma scowled sarcastically.
Soun shook his head, "No, no, he's right! We were waiting for you!"
"No you weren't." Nabiki said.
"Curses!" Soun cried in defeat.
"Now just a minute young lady, maybe my boy and your dad are morons but you wont outsmart me with your stuff that you do!" Genma warned.
"Yes I will." Nabiki shrugged.
"Darn it all, I'm defeated!" Genma wailed.
"Curse her and her mind control powers!" Ukyo cried.
"I'm not using them." Nabiki shrugged. "These three are just sort of . . . stupid."
Ranma bristled. "I'm one of those three right?"
"Yes."
"Hey!" He protested. Now he had to see Nabiki go down.
"Ranma, why don't you blow off some steam outside?" Akane offered.
"What?" Ranma scratched his head.
"You and Ryoga were going to duel right? So why don't you guys go do that now?"
"Good idea." Nabiki said.
"Jeez it's like you're our mothers arranging a play date." Ranma scoffed.
"No kidding." Ryoga agreed.
"Just go you two." Akane said. "Dad will remember why we were going to have family court sooner or later, when he does it isnt going to be pretty."
"Don't act like I cant hear you! I'm standing right here!" Soun cried.
"I want to watch this ugly sight." Ranma explained, "I want to see her go down hard, vengeance for all the wrongs she's committed on me!"
"How many times do you need to get revenge for that one little defeat?" Nabiki demanded.
"'Least one more." Ranma grinned.
"I should stay, it was my idea to go out last night." Ryoga said. "We didn't mean to stay out all night y'know." He added to Soun.
"I'm pretty sure that's not what this is about." Nabiki said, giving Yutaro an appraising look, the actor just shrugged helplessly and she slapped her forehead.
"Go." Akane said firmly, looking at Ranma she whispered, "I really don't want him to know about this, if we can talk Nabiki out of it he never has to . . . please Ranma, if you wont do it for your friend's sake do it for me?"
Ranma couldn't help but pout. Aside from wanting to see Nabiki get in trouble he'd wanted to see Ryoga dump her, their relationship itself seemed wrong to him. But Akane seemed really dead set on the two staying together so . . .
"Winner gets a cookie." Kasumi offered.
"That cookie bit might have worked if I were like twelve." Ranma scoffed. Then sighed, "I'm just kidding, I really do want a cookie. C'mon Ryoga, let's go."
"Hey wait a minute–" Ryoga began but Ukyo shoved him out the door anyway.
"Vote's three to one sugar, you're outta here!" She said and she slammed the door on Ryoga and Ranma.
"Don't even worry about it, she'll be fine." Ranma offered.
Ryoga shook his head. "You know what she's on trial for, don't you?"
"Yes." Ranma shrugged.
Ryoga scratched his chin. "It's something bad. Something she doesn't want me to know about, something that's got her dad angry enough to pile all his furniture up in the infamously unstable but locally feared pyramid of judgement."
"Hey," Ranma said lightly, "If ya beat me, I'll just tell you what it is."
Ryoga shook his head again. "I'll wait until she's willing to tell me."
"And if she never is?"
"Well then I guess I'll just never know." Ryoga shrugged. Ranma shook his head. This guy was pathetic, if his girlfriend was hiding something from him he should be trying to ferret out the truth any way he could like every other man in the world, not just rolling over and accepting it. "As for beating you," Ryoga continued, "well that it's own reward."
"Too bad it's one you'll never get." Ranma grinned.
"Keep talking Saotome, all the more words for you to eat." Ryoga scoffed and started to walk off.
"Ryoga . . . dojo's this way." Ranma said.
"Uh . . . I knew that." Ryoga said, turning around and walking in the direction Ranma had pointed.
"No wait . . . it's this way." Ranma said, pointing in another direction.
"Now you're just messing with me." Ryoga scowled.
"Yep." Ranma chuckled.
"Just lead the way, we'll see who's laughing when we get there." Ryoga shook his head.
"Here's a hint: it'll be me." Ranma laughed.
"There, now that we've avoided catastrophe," Soun began, but Ukyo cut him off,
"Actually you've just doomed your dojo to utter destruction."
"Right . . . well now what's left of this house has avoided catastrophe," Soun explained, "Imagine the depression Ryoga will suffer when he learns the news, he wont be able to control it, the blast would destroy the whole house. I just hope Ranma's not stupid enough to tell him, if he does everyone in the dojo will probably die."
"Yoshimi . . . why don't you go and cheer Ryoga on?" Nabiki asked.
The rich girl smiled wickedly and nodded knowingly. "Oh absolutely. Good luck with your execution."
Nabiki mouthed a couple obscenities at Yoshimi's back, Akane shuddered at how extensive her sister's vocabulary was and how well she formed almost purely profane sentences without having to reuse any of the words.
"Well now we can get down to business. Nabiki, is there anything you'd like to confess?"
"I really have no idea what you're so upset about daddy." Nabiki said innocently.
"But you sure didn't object to getting Ryoga out of here." Akane pointed out.
"I just agreed because it meant Ranma would be gone" Nabiki shrugged. "Incidentally how long has Yutaro been here?"
"Long enough to get it on with your auntie Nodoka."
"So like . . . three minutes? Four?"
Soun shook his head. "Just confess, we already know, he told us everything."
"Everything? Then why should I confess?"
"Good point. Shall we just sentence you then?" Happi asked.
"Confess and you get a lighter sentence!" Soun added.
Nabiki shrugged, "What's the big deal?" She asked. "It's not like I did anything wrong . . . right?"
Akane scoffed. What was she talking about? Of course this was wrong! "You're going to be a porn star! You'll have to change your name to something like Jenny Jugs! How can you not see the problem with this?"
"Aha! So that's all he told you!" Nabiki cried in triumph, "Oh-ho the things I nearly confessed to! Thank heavens Akane is so reliably gullible!"
Everyone glared at Akane–except Nabiki, who beamed gratitude–she lowered her head in shame.
"Nabiki," Soun said, "You have to have known that we'd never allow it."
Nabiki shrugged. "I knew you'd be upset, I just didn't see how it was your decision to make."
"Nabiki, imagine for a moment that ten years from now you've got a eight year old son and he watches Yutaro's movie," Kasumi said, "What are you going to tell him?"
Nabiki shrugged, "Bet ya didn't know that's me you're whackin'off to, did'ja junior? What's that? You did know!? Go to your room right now!"
Kasumi sighed, Ukyo laughed until Soun gave her a warning glare, Akane shook her head. "Nabiki," Akane said, "What are you going to tell Ryoga if he ever sees it?"
"Happy birthday." Nabiki said simply.
"Curses, she's planned her defense well." Genma said.
"Look, try to understand," Nabiki said in an almost pleading tone, "it's not like I plan to spend the rest of my life giving blow jobs and faking orgasms, that's auntie Nodoka's calling–"
"I didn't fake a minute ago!" Nodoka said, still glowing after her encounter with Yutaro.
"Oh-ho . . . anyway this is just to gain a little renown, then I can work on real movies." Nabiki shrugged. "Lots of actresses get their start with smut films."
"Uh . . . name three." Akane said.
"Later." Nabiki scoffed. "Point is this is just a starting point, I promise."
"But you don't know how to act, you never took any classes!" Soun protested.
"I act all the time!" Nabiki protested.
"No, you manipulate people, there's a difference." Kasumi said.
"So I'll manipulate them in a different way." Nabiki shrugged. "Point is that now I'll be paid to do it! So maybe I have to expose myself to a few cameras, big deal. If you want I'll use some of the fortune I'll be making to pay for acting lessons."
"You cant expect to make a bundle with every movie, not all the directors out there will be as stupid as Yutaro." Soun said.
"Yeah . . . hey!" Yutaro protested. "Why am I stupid?"
"Well . . ." Kasumi said calmly, "what did Ryoga have to say about it?"
"About what?" Nabiki asked.
"About you being a whore." Kasumi said innocently, she threw her hands up in surrender before Nabiki could throttle her, "I meant 'exotic' actress."
"He doesn't know." Nabiki admitted.
Akane shook her head angrily. "Yutaro, please talk some sense into her."
"Uh . . . I want her to act in my movie, remember?" Yutaro sighed.
"Good point." Soun scratched his chin. "I still refuse to allow my daughter to have anything to do with such a film."
"You cant stop me." Nabiki said stubbornly.
"If you do this, I'll disown you!" Soun warned. Akane gapped at him, was he serious?
"Fine. Disown me." Nabiki scoffed. "I don't need this broken family anyway!"
"No! No! I was bluffing! Forgive me!" Soun wept and groveled. He added as an after thought, "Is the family really broken?"
"Pretty badly." Genma said.
"You're one to talk!" Soun shouted.
While dad and uncle Saotome started getting into a heated argument over who's family was more severely broken Nabiki snuck off to her room. Akane followed her, refusing to let her sister make such a mistake!
Ranma and Ryoga had only just arrived at the dojo, and were preparing to fight to the gruesome death when Yoshimi entered, Ryoga sighed.
"Bubble Gum," she said, "I have the most wonderful news!"
Ryoga sighed again. "What do you want?"
"It's not what I want that matters, it's what you want my dear. And I can give you what you want!"
"Can you wait until I'm done with him?" Ranma demanded, Ryoga raised an eyebrow at Ranma.
'What's she got?' He wondered.
"Oh fine, just ask her." Ranma scoffed.
Ryoga turned to Yoshimi, "Well? What've you got?" He asked.
Yoshimi gave him a cute smile . . . it didn't fool him, he still didn't like her. "I'm sorry you thought you had to hide your curse from me . . . but I can help you fix it."
"What?" Ryoga whispered.
"Well . . . if you forget about Nabiki and marry me we'll honeymoon in China . . ."
Ryoga shuddered as he realized what she meant. Could he just give up Nabiki if it meant being free of P-Chan? It wasn't a secret anymore, but it also wasn't as if Akane finding out had been the only problem, the cold hard truth was that P-Chan was his greatest weakness and he'd lost a few fights because of it.
But maybe someday he could find the cure himself, did he really need Yoshimi's help? Was it worth losing Nabiki?
"Hey man," Ranma said, "don't go making any decisions right off the bat, think it through, this might be your only chance to be rid of your alter-ego."
"Yes! Yes! Listen to your friend, he knows what he's talking about!" Yoshimi nodded.
"But is P-Chan so bad? I mean let's face it, you'll be able to fit handily into small places, and I bet Nabiki makes Yoshimi seem frigid."
"Lies! Lies! Don't listen, he has no idea what he's talking about!" Yoshimi cried, shaking her fist at Ranma who just sneered.
Ryoga whispered. "I want to be rid of P-Chan more than anything else . . ."
"Victory!" Yoshimi cried, making a V with her fingers.
"But I want to marry Nabiki even more than that!" Ryoga scowled.
Yoshimi seemed taken aback. "No . . ." She whispered. "It can't be! I was so sure . . . you're leaving me no choice my love, I must break your heart if I am to win it." She said with obviously feigned sadness. She reached into her pocket and revealed an envelop, she checked it's contents then handed it to Ryoga. "Compliments of a skilled Photographer by the name of Gosunkugi."
Ryoga raised an eyebrow at Yoshimi. "This envelope is supposed to break my heart? What is it, pictures of Ranko in the nude? Because I've seen her chest like a thousand times."
"Hey!" Ranma shouted.
"Something far worse." Yoshimi said.
"Hey!" Ranma protested. "My female form is pretty darn hot!"
Ryoga sighed and opened the envelope to examine the pictures . . .
Nabiki fell down onto her bed and sighed. So much fuss over such a trivial matter! She wanted to just call it quits but it was too late, she'd signed the contract, and she couldn't just change her mind about college now! There was no way she was going to any of these cheap imitation universities.
Uninvited, Akane appeared to interrupt her solitude. Nabiki sighed and Akane came over to her, sitting down on the bed, rubbing her shoulder in what she probably thought was a comforting manner.
"Go . . . away." Nabiki grumbled.
"Nabiki . . . you're better than this. Do you really want this as your future? So maybe it's easy money, big deal! This isnt you."
"Yes it is." Nabiki scoffed. "Who else would it be? Kasumi?"
Akane shook her head. "What if I said 'please'?"
Nabiki smiled warmly. "Okay then Akane. That's all I really wanted."
Akane sighed. "You're right, no one would fall for that one."
Nabiki sat up and took a deep breath. "Akane, I'm not going to be doing this forever, it's just temporary. I mean it."
"But you're not an actress!"
"I'll learn quick." Nabiki scoffed. "Let's say I go to college, ace my classes, who's to say I'll get a job in the field I want? If I do, who's to say I wont just lose that job? Now here I have a job before me, it's something I can easily do, and be paid quite a lot of money for, why should I refuse?"
"Because you know refusing is the right thing to do?" Akane offered.
"Yeah, maybe ten years ago it was." Nabiki scoffed. "Times have changed and the kids ain't all right or whatever, this sort of thing is perfectly okay nowadays, in a few more years certain religions might even start supporting it."
"Uh . . . no, I don't think that's ever going to happen." Akane said.
Nabiki laughed weakly, "Daddy would probably have a heart attack if I go through with this." She admitted.
"Probably." Akane nodded.
"And of course I'll lose Ryoga." Nabiki reasoned.
"Yep." Akane nodded again.
"Kasumi would probably never let me live it down." Nabiki sighed.
"Never." Akane said.
"So . . . I guess I'll just have to give it up. Be a normal, chaste young woman like you guys want." Nabiki sighed in resignation.
"You're the best!" Akane cried, hugging her sister.
'And you're a sucker.' Nabiki thought.
And meanwhile . . .
Kuno woke sitting under the tree with Kinnosuke. He jumped up and groaned in lament, Nabiki! He must have missed her! He grabbed Kinnosuke by the collar and shook him awake, but it didn't work so he tore the tape away from the other boy's mouth with one swift stroke.
The scream shattered a few windows, sent birds flying and most other animals running for the hills. "You!" He shouted, "Did Nabiki Tendo show up after I went to sleep?"
"How should I know? Let me down from here!" Kinnosuke cried.
"She did didn't she? You dated her and then tapped yourself to the tree again thinking I'd be none the wiser!" Kuno accused.
"If I'd gotten free I'd have tapped you to this tree!" Kinnosuke shouted.
Kuno scowled, he decided he couldn't just leave Kinnosuke here . . . but now that he had to track Nabiki down he didn't want this slime getting a head start on him . . .
"If I let you go . . . you must not get in between me and Nabiki Tendo ever again!"
"Screw you, once I'm free I'm going to sweep her off her feet just to spite you!" Kinnosuke growled.
"Then we are rivals." Tatewaki said dramatically.
"Rivals? I wouldn't even call us that. You're just a pretender." Kinnosuke sneered.
Kuno scowled at him. "Nabiki Tendo will be mine!"
"Then let me loose." Kinnosuke said. "After all, if you've got courage, and faith in your ability to win said beauty's heart, then a little friendly competition cant hurt."
"Indeed." Kuno agreed, cutting Kinnosuke free.
Kinnosuke glared at him, Tatewaki flinched under the murderous gleam in the other boy's eyes. However nothing came of it, rather than launching into a murderous fury Kinnosuke instead took great care removing the tape from his cloths without damaging them.
Next Time . . . Shampoo is pissed off (I wonder why . . .), and Maro ambushes Ranma and Ryoga! Given the right . . . 'incentive', can Ryoga be forced to change his mind about non-lethal victories? To make matters worse (or better) it looks like Nabiki wont be a porn star after all . . . such a pity. What changes Yutaro's mind?
