The Chrissy mentioned in this story is fictional and all movie titles regarding her are fictional. If such movies do exist now or at a later date, I do not own them and had nothing to do with them.
Note: I am sorry to report that Yoshimi is not using gunkata, I've never heard of it but it sounds interesting, so I'll look it up and maybe that'll change.
This chapter has some errors hidden in there (not on purpose mind you) and they'll be delt with sooner or later,but you've had a long wait and I wanted to get this chapter up the instant I had a chance.The next chapter will hopefully go a long way towards explaining everything that's going on. It should take me less time than this one did, since I have more time to work on things.
Charlotte's Sequel!
Chapter XI!
The Madness!
Unlike the boys in chapter 10, the girls had solved the bed issue instantly-women are so efficient, no?-they had simply drawn lots, Nabiki held three pencils, two sharpened, one not. Whomever got the longer unsharpened pencil got her own bed.
Despite Nabiki's valiant attempts at cheating, Kasumi got the bed to herself, and Akane and Nabiki were sharing. Though it was late, all three girls had decided to watch just one movie before going to sleep.
Akane regretted it.
"Now why is he melting a candle on her you know what?" Akane demanded. "That's not romantic or sexy, it's gross, and it looks painful."
"But it's kinky." Kasumi pointed out. "For some people the kink outweighs the pain, they find pleasure in it."
"Hey, say what you want," Nabiki scoffed, "all I know is the instant some boy starts dripping melted candle on any part of me, the date's over!"
"It's really not all that bad." Kasumi shrugged. Then she added quickly, "I mean I guess. I guess it's really not all that bad, I certainly don't know after all, no one's ever done that to me . . ."
Akane believed it, after all the very idea that Kasumi could even think of doing something immoral was laughable.
"She's hit the top four times already, she must think it's wonderful." Nabiki nodded.
"Unrealistic camera tricks." Akane scoffed. "Four times in five minutes? Bah!" Not that she really knew, she began to wonder if maybe Ranma was just impotent and that was why he didn't want to be with her.
"You're thinking real time, think movie time, I'm sure for her it's been maybe ten minutes." Kasumi offered helpfully.
"I wonder if the boys are watching this same movie." Nabiki said thoughtfully.
Akane scoffed. "Maybe, if they've got no taste whatsoever! Come to think of it . . . can I ask again why we're watching this movie."
"Actually . . . whose idea was it to watch this?" Kasumi asked.
"It was either this, or that dumb cheer leader movie. We took a vote, it was unanimous." Nabiki said.
"Only because 'Chrissy does Texas' sounded like an old western movie! With cowboys!" Akane protested. Akane wanted Kasumi to remember and remain clear on the fact that she was an innocent, moral young lady, just like her.
"And now you know better." Nabiki nodded curtly.
"Well now that we know better, we could always watch something else." Kasumi offered. Good old Kasumi, suggesting the correct and moral path without making the perverted Nabiki feel like a pervert.
"You're the one who hid the remote when I suggested that earlier." Nabiki pointed out.
"No I didn't. You're thinking of Akane . . . hey! Look over there, it's a burning panda!" Kasumi cried in a most un-Kasumi fashion. Nabiki and Akane turned their heads, more than a little afraid to see uncle Saotome had forgot to stop drop and roll, but when they looked back the remote had magically appeared in Nabiki's lap.
Kasumi was sitting innocently on her bed.
Nabiki flipped it over to the cheer leader movie . . . after about ten minutes they were back at 'Chrissy does Texas'. Now there were cowboys. Three of them. And only one Chrissy.
And because women are so efficient-porn stars doubly so-Chrissy solved the problem of three boys and one of her in an instant. It was . . . not pretty. Like a car accident on the side of the free way it was the sort of thing you didn't want to stare at, but just couldn't look away from, Akane had to force herself to blink a couple of times.
"So Nabiki . . . now that you've seen some of this filth, do you still want to star in it?" Akane asked.
"Yes, it looks like fun. Kasumi and I have watched porn before. Been watching it since I was your age. Why did you think I liked boys so much?" Nabiki said with an amused grin.
Akane's jaw dropped, she looked at Kasumi . . . no way! Nabiki sure, but not Kasumi! Kasumi was a shining pillar of female modesty and morality! Kasumi was her role model!
"It was for . . . educational purposes." Kasumi said. "It was very educational, but not in a manner that can be applied to most real life, everyday problems. Some mind you, but not most"
Akane sighed. The movie ended with Chrissy being arrested for indecent exposure after having a three way with some college students in public. As she was driven off in the S.W.A.T. vehicle, the entire S.W.A.T. team had some fun with her, she didn't seem to mind, she even gave advice and made requests. The woman-or at least the character she played-had some odd preferences.
Akane wondered if that woman ever had any problems getting to sleep at night, dealing with the acts she'd committed for not a lot of money.
Some people were just plain sick.
The movie ended, Nabiki made a comment about how Chrissy might be sorry for forgetting her pills at the beginning of the movie, Kasumi said something about the many diseases likely passed on through so many orgies in the space of a two hour movie.
Akane sighed. Some people, her sisters included, were just plain sick.
But as the lights went out and everyone went to sleep Akane couldn't help but think of the movie, only instead of sultry Chrissy she saw herself in all those situations . . .
It was really hard not to wonder what it'd be like to get that sort of attention and to actually be able to want it. Not to have to worry about how wrong you knew it was, but to enjoy it and not feel like you'd sold your soul just for enjoying pleasure.
Unconsciously she moved her hand over her thigh . . . between her legs . . . she felt the soft material of her pajamas, she felt nervous excitement as her hand moved slowly into the pajama pants, between the legs . . . this was strange, she knew it was wrong, she knew better than this, had been raised better, but . . . no it was so strange! No longer strange because she struggled with the morality of it, but strange because she was so sure she should be feeling her hand moving over her thigh and between her legs and . . .
What she did feel suddenly was Nabiki's elbow in her side.
"Sorry!" Akane said, glad it was too dark for Nabiki to see the utter shame painted across her face. "That was an accident!"
"Kasumi? Can I sleep with you tonight?" Nabiki whined. "Akane's gone crazy and perverted and stuff!"
"We settled our sleeping arrangements fairly, now go to sleep." Kasumi laughed softly.
"Nabiki?" Akane whispered, trying to think of some excuse, a way to calm her annoyed sister. "I was just . . . I mean um . . . say, how often do you and Ryoga do it?" Akane almost hit herself. It was true, she'd meant to ask her sister that very question since she and Ryoga seemed to be doing all right while Akane and Ranma's relationship-if not for their engagement-seemed more like a rough but affectionate friendship, or worse, more similar to that of a brother and sister. But now wasn't the right time to ask that sort of thing, it had just slipped out.
"Okay Akane here's how it is . . . I know sleeping next to me probably excites you, I cant blame you, I mean I am amazingly beautiful and all . . . but I don't swing that way, got it? Have no interest in girls here. So go to sleep or I'll press charges."
"But I'm your sister!" Akane protested.
"Charges." Nabiki warned sounding almost serious.
"I'm just curious, I mean me and Ranma never do it." Maybe sex was just the key to a good relationship?
There was silence for a while, then Nabiki whispered, "If it's ever less than six times a week I punish him."
From her solitary, comfortable bed, Kasumi made a sort of choking sound, like someone who had swallowed their own tongue out of pure shock. (Do not attempt this at home)
"How?" Akane asked, too curious to aid her eldest sister.
"I spend all his money." Nabiki said simply.
"Don't you do that anyway?" Akane raised her eyebrows, thought with her back turned to her in the dark, Nabiki couldn't see her do it.
"Yeah, but I do it maliciously when I'm punishing him. Trust me, he knows he's being disciplined."
"Oh . . . I don't think that'd work with Ranma." Akane said. A shame because it would have been a very easy way to punish Ranma, regardless of the crime.
"Yeah, he's got no money anyway." Nabiki sighed.
There was another pause, this seemed somehow more uncomfortable than the subject of discussion, finally Nabiki said very softly, "Listen . . . you don't have to do anything you don't want to, okay?"
"What?" Akane's eyebrows raised pointlessly again.
"What I mean is . . . Ryoga and I were ready for it . . . kind of . . . I didn't think it'd hurt as badly as it did but that's entirely besides the point-"
"Wait, how badly did it hurt?" Akane demanded.
"I said that's besides the point! Look I was ready . . . I think Ryoga was ready, but he might also have been really bored, that can cause one to think they're ready. So if you're just bored and you're not ready there's no need to rush and uh . . . I know you two are getting married and all, but there's still no need to . . . uh . . ." Nabiki just trailed off.
"She means emotions can be confusing things, especially at this stage in your life." Kasumi spoke up now, "No matter what others might tell you, it doesn't make you 'a real woman', and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not doing it, so don't rush into it"
"It's not that we don't do it that bothers me," Akane pointed out, "its that it doesn't seem like Ranma is bothered by the fact that we don't do it, and I feel like he should be." She said.
"If it doesn't bother you, why should it bother him?" Nabiki asked.
"Because he's a man-most of the time-and therefore a pervert." Akane scoffed at her sister's ignorance.
"Maybe he's getting some on the side. From Ukyo, or Shampoo. They sure seem ready." Nabiki laughed softly to herself.
It was now Akane's turn to elbow Nabiki.
"Ouch! Well then maybe it's coming from Kuno-baby, just because Ranma is taking care of business behind your back doesn't mean you're not still the only woman in his life"
Akane frowned. Maybe she'd try to find some way to punish Ranma and make him want her like Nabiki did to Ryoga . . . then she could turn him down, deny him, and watch him cry tears of desire . . . that would be so neat.
Meanwhile . . .
"Doctor Perverse! Doctor Perverse! We have two patients in the ER and you're the only doctor on call!" The blonde nurse cried to the stall door in the men's room.
"I'm a little busy." The doctor said. "Are you two supposed to be in here? This is the men's room, it's for men"
"Doctor!" The brunette that always accompanied the blonde cried, "This is an emergency; they're the same ones who survived that poison gas attack and-"
"Just give them each twelve cc's of estrogen or something!" The doctor commanded.
"Doctor that's madness!" Blonde protested.
"If a man can't use the rest room in peace-" The doctor was protesting.
"If you treat them we'll sleep with you!" Blonde cried, brunette slapped her across the face.
"I've had you two already, don't bore me." The doctor scoffed. Now blonde had to hold brunette back as she tried to kick down the door, her hands balled into fists.
"There's a news crew here!" The blonde tried.
The door swung open, two half dressed nurses fell face forward out of the stall the doctor had been in, he zipped his pants and rushed out, "C'mon, before they croak and the cameras leave!"
The two nurses looked at their two colleagues who were going about putting their cloths on, ("You're wearing my bra," one of them pointed out to the other, which resulted in some giggling) and then looked at each other.
"We need to consider a change in profession." Brunette said.
"I don't need this kind of abuse." The blonde agreed.
"Are you two coming?" The doctor demanded, leaning into the room, "I need someone for the post-surgery party, and Tanba is still on vacation!"
The two young women exchanged unhappy looks. They were unhappy for two reasons, first of all this meant the doctor had already decided there would be surgery, despite knowing nothing about the patient's condition, which meant they might as well call "the long black cars" right now. But also they were unhappy because of the near constant sexual molestation their job got them both from raunchy patients and their boss, the doctor who had enough incriminating photographs of the both of them to ensure that should they ever turn him in, they'd never work in the same country again.
The writer feels that now is a good time to inform you that if this story were the sort of story that had or would soon have things such as violence, sex, explosions, more violence, dinosaurs and a terrible war between rival assassin guilds involving poor Rand and Ryoga being the 'chosen ones', these nurses might just break out a pair of automatics and "purge" the hospital of all wickedness before the series ends . . . unfortunately for you and them, dear reader, this story has no dinosaurs. So they just sighed, and nodded their not necessarily consenting consent.
"We'll be right there doctor." Blonde said.
"Not you two!" The doctor scowled, blonde almost collapsed with relief, "I told you I already had you two! I mean those two!" He pointed to the two other nurses-both had black hair, if that means anything to you.
The other two nurses got up and stuck their tongues out at blonde and brunette.
"Go then!" Brunette snapped, "You may think you're all that and a box of chewy grape flavored birth control pills, but you're not! And one of these days he's going to get drunk and boom! He's back with us, yo!"
"But I thought we didn't want him back with us!" Blonde protested.
"Shut up, I was just being . . . you know . . . confrontational!" Brunette scowled.
The two walked slowly back to the two patients, slowly because they were hoping the evil doctor would be done saving or destroying lives by the time they got there, and also because they were discussing what sort of jobs they'd be good at.
Soun's eyes opened slowly, he saw a woman leaning over him, she had long black hair, she was slightly lacking in the chest department.
"Where's the blonde woman from the last time?" Soun pouted.
"He's alive doctor!" The raven haired woman reported.
"Darn . . . I mean 'good'! I mean, 'darn good'! Darn good news nurse . . . whatever your name is."
"My name is-" The woman began, but she was not allowed to finish.
"I don't really care." The doctor cut her off, though she seemed not to mind.
"Yes, of course sir." The nurse nodded.
The doctor strolled over to Soun. "Just what exactly happened to you?" He demanded.
"Uh . . ." Soun scratched his head.
"You look like you've been through some sort of explosion!" The doctor chuckled.
"It was insurance!" Soun cried. "My house, my beautiful house is constantly being destroyed, and the insurance company canceled our policy shortly after my son-in-law and my comrade over there moved in! Now my walls are coming down and I have to fix it, but there's no way I'm paying for it! I needed insurance! And they said 'no'! So I bought some gasoline and I thought I'd burn down the insurance agency's office, but then I lit a cigarette while I was holding all the gasoline tanks and BOOM!"
The doctor blinked, then wrote something down on a clipboard. "Your friend over there said you two had been involved in a car accident. We were going to tell the police that story, but yours might just get some news crews down here, so thanks!"
"But . . . but it was a car accident!" Soun decided, even though they didn't have a car, "I was in a car accident! I was only joking! Oh-ho-ho-ho! Don't be silly! Me, burn down the insurance agency's office? These stories you tell doctor! You're such a riot! A real comedian, I-"
"Will shut up before I put snake venom in your I.V." The doctor said casually.
"I'm not . . . hooked up to an I.V." Soun frowned.
The doctor looked at him, then nodded. "Oh. Okay then." He said. "Hey, you're the guy with that cute daughter right?"
"Which one? I've got three." Soun said proudly.
"Whichever one's over eighteen. How's about I get their phone numbers? You know, so I can call them, tell them you're here"
"We already informed the family." The blonde nurse from before said as she and her brunette companion entered the room. "They should be here any minute."
Soun was happy to see them, he had the strange feeling that they did far more to save lives than the doctor did.
"Curse-er I mean 'praise' your efficiency, nurse. You'll be sure to give me those numbers later, wont you?"
"How did you know to call the motel where our kids are staying?" Soun scratched his head.
"We didn't, we called your home." Brunette scoffed.
"Our home? And you got an answer?" Genma coughed, it was the first time he'd contributed to the conversation since Soun had woken up.
"Yes, the Saotome residence." Brunette rolled her eyes and spoke in a tone one might use when one is about to unleash a great deal of homicidal rage, "Your wife or something is on her way here."
Just then Nodoka appeared in the doorway, "My god, they're hideous! Pull the plug!" She cried, her tone was not one of humor, she sounded perfectly honest and just a little frightened.
Still, an explosion was probably serious. Soun looked in the mirror, he didn't look terribly different, though some of his mustache had been singed off. Genma looked completely normal.
Which incidentally raised a few questions in Soun's head, since the story about the gasoline tanks and the insurance agency had been true. He suspected he should have been incinerated. "Uh, incidentally, did we succeed in blowing up the insurance agency?"
"Hmm? No." The blonde nurse said. "You blew up a library. Luckily, because it was a library, no one was inside of it . . . not even the librarian. The strip club across the street would have been a real tragedy though."
"Yes." Soun agreed, likely for different reasons than what big breast blonde babe had in mind.
"Not much of a tragedy. One less cat house and its worthless patrons wouldn't have hurt the city." Brunette scoffed, the doctor looked at her as if she'd said something truly sacrilegious. "Anyway you wont be sued for the damages."
"Oh . . . good." Genma said.
The doctor looked at Nodoka, then counted the number of available women in the immediate area on his fingers, then said, "All right, I'm going to need you two," he pointed to the two dark haired nurses, "and you," he pointed to Nodoka, "in the supply closet, stat!"
"Sure! I'll do it anywhere!" Nodoka said, seeing through the poor innuendo immediately and offering no resistance.
"Just what I like to hear, you ever consider becoming a nurse?" The doctor asked.
"No, I'm going to be a porn star." Nodoka said.
This was news to Genma apparently, because his jaw dropped for a moment, then he started screaming curses.
The doctor on the other hand thought it was wonderful news. "That's excellent! You'll be going into my second favorite line of work!"
"What about the patients, doctor?" Brunette sighed.
The doctor frowned at Soun and Genma. "Try and keep 'em alive. Not that I really care. I'll be busy, so just pull the plug on any other emergency cases!"
"But doctor, we cant do that!" Blonde protested.
"Don't worry." The doctor said with a wink, "I wont tell anyone if you wont."
Soun and Genma looked at each other. "In the event of, oh say . . . any sort of emergency, is there any way we can avoid coming to this hospital ever again?" Soun asked.
"Trust me, we've been asking ourselves the same question most of the night." Blonde sighed.
"You know," Soun said, "since you two keep popping up in our lives over and over for no apparent reason, we might as well know your names."
"We've met twice sir, that hardly counts as us popping up over and over. And the apparent reason is that you keep having these accidents and-" Blonde was saying, but Brunette cut her off, her hands shaking with rage.
"Our names?" Brunette roared. "How dare you ask for our names? You're old enough to be my father!"
"Oh don't be silly!" Blonde chuckled nervously, "They're not trying to pick us up-"
"We're not?" Genma asked Soun, who just sighed at him.
"They're just curious since we keep running into them and then wasting their time by talking a lot about stuff nobody gives two bad words about." Blonde finished. "Anyway our names are-"
"Don't tell them!" Brunette cried, throwing her hand over her comrade's mouth and giving Soun and Genma evil looks. "If you tell them, they can find us in the phone book and start calling us! Old perverts like them? I wont have it! You stay away from us, you hear me? My friend may be incredibly easy and stupid after getting all drugged up in college, but I'm not like her, I'm on to you!"
"Hey!" Blonde protested, "I never did any drugs in college! Well I mean there was this one time where this guy put some into my drink, but I didn't know so it doesn't-"
"Stay away from us!" Brunette continued. "Or else I'll get a restraining order that keeps you five thousand yards away from planet earth at all times!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Soun said.
"If you can do that, why don't you get one of those for the doctor?" Blonde demanded. "If they send a replacement, he might actually do his job!"
"Do not question mmmeeeee!" Brunette cried.
"You'll have to forgive her, since we started working here we've both suffered terrible sexual harassment and molestation, we've both been tied up and whipped, which was a lot less fun than I thought it would be, and pictures of us in such a state were sent to our relatives as Christmas cards so as a result we've both been excommunicated from our families which is a shame because we really need some money. We're not even allowed to go inside any church. Our personal images appear on the Internet without our consent but there's nothing that can be done about it because we had to sign this contract or be stabbed with a really bloody knife. After all that, for some reason she's a little guarded." Blonde said as Brunette dragged her out of the room.
"And now we know even more useless information." Soun sighed, massaging his forehead. "It isn't as if anyone really cares about these two. If our lives were a book, this would be the writer's attempt at filling space when he doesn't need to! It's getting annoying and if it doesn't end now I'm going on strike!"
"No, no, I'm sure this information will prove useful at a later time . . . Hey, wait!" Genma called, "What's the web site? The one where your image is used without permission!" He demanded.
"We don't even have a computer, Saotome." Soun sighed.
"Well we'll get one!" Genma cried.
"You're married!" Soun cried.
"My wife is in a supply closet with the doctor who seems to think he saved my life even though I woke up to him ordering one of the hussy nurses to give me a lethal injection and make it look like an accident!" Genma scowled.
From said closet, Nodoka moaned lustily; "Oh! Oh! Yes! You are so much better than my husband!"
"I'm entitled to a little adultery of my own." Genma said, eye twitching.
Just then a bed pan flew into the room and hit Genma in the head, its contents splattering everywhere. The nurses returned, Blonde being dragged while holding onto Brunette's leg and screaming at her "Stop! Remember what the shrink used to say before he hypnotized and raped you! Deep breaths! Deep breaths! Count to ten! For heaven's sake count to teh-hen!" as Brunette dragged herself closer to Genma, another bed pan in one hand and a dangerous looking injection in the other.
"Save me!" Genma leapt behind Soun, dragging a couple of expensive looking machines to the floor with him.
"Maybe it's just a flu shot." Soun said helpfully.
"Oh-ho no! It's a rabies shot!" Brunette corrected, a crazed look in her eyes.
"See? That's good." Soun said. "You've been meaning to get one since you got into that fight with that other panda"
"She doesn't mean the vaccine!" Blonde warned.
"Oh . . ." Soun buried his face in his hands .The world was insane, no other way to explain the crazy events that seemed to happen only to him and his comrade.
The world was insane . . .
Maro's eyes fluttered open, his shoulder hurt. He looked around, it was dark. Again he felt a terrible pain in his shoulder, but aside from that he wasn't really sure where else he might have been injured.
Utter darkness, he closed his eyes, opened them again and noted there was no difference.
He sat up, he was laying in a soft, comfortable bed . . . which he immediately hated.
Comfortable beds? Hah! Who needed them? Comfort in itself was a-
Suddenly the lights came on, blinding light! Maro shielded his eyes, he hissed in contempt at the light.
"Too bright for you, assassin?" A familiar yet implacable female voice hissed darkly. "Increase light by twenty percent!" The young woman cried.
"Uh . . . it's a switch system, it goes on or off but the lights don't get brighter than this ma'am." Someone reported from far off. There was the ear splitting sound of a gunshot, then that same someone said, "I mean uh . . . right away ma'am!"
Perhaps it was only Maro's imagination, but the lights did seem to brighten.
"You know I am Yoshimi Harume." The woman's voice hissed, "You know I am one of the wealthiest young ladies in Japan. Whoever sent you, whatever they're paying you, I can double it!"
Maro kept his eyes closed, but raised his eyebrows at this. "What are you talking about?"
"Evidently you're more than a match for my beloved Ryoga," Yoshimi continued, "I do not know how, I almost cannot believe it, however I can use this to my advantage."
"Ryoga? You mean Hibiki?" Maro roared, his memory returning, "You attacked me because of Hibiki? I'll kill you, then I'll go back and kill him too"
"I beg to differ." Yoshimi laughed. "If you wish to continue living, you will begin working for me."
"Will I?" Maro hissed. "Will I really?" He didn't need vision to know where the young woman was, she kept talking, he could tell she was about ten paces away and circling him. Maro reached into his coat for a weapon . . .
But his coat was gone!
"We've relieved you of your equipment. All of it, including the bomb you had hidden in your cellular phone"
"I had a bomb in my cell phone?" Maro cried in panic! He didn't remember putting a bomb in his cell phone so that meant someone else had! "Hey wait a minute . . . I had a cell phone?" He cried in an even greater panic, if he'd known he'd had a cell phone he'd have used it that time he'd been stranded in the middle of the desert!
Hey! He'd never been stranded in the middle of the desert! Now he was confused . . .
"You haven't asked me what I want from you." Yoshimi pointed out.
"I don't really care. But since you're so nice, I'll play along." Maro scowled. "What do you want?"
"You will challenge Ryoga to a battle, and tell him that if he loses he must wed me instead of Nabiki Tendo."
"Hibiki cares for this woman?" Maro demanded, feeling like maybe he might just listen to what Yoshimi had to say before killing her.
"Well I suppose if one sits down and examines the situation, he does. But if you ignore the things you don't like about the situation, as I do, then he is actually just a helpless slave, trapped in a web of sex, lies, sex, desire for sex, and more sex! There is more to love than sex! More to romance than hot naked flesh on hot naked flesh and . . . UGH!" Yoshimi screamed, Maro wondered if she were pulling her hair out of her head. It sounded like she was, and that would be funny.
But when he tried to open his eyes to see, they were assaulted by the light.
But he had an idea . . . maybe it was the heavy bandages wrapped around his head, but this plan of his was so ingenious he felt, that it would allow him to kill Ranma Saotome, Ryoga Hibiki, Yoshimi whatever, and Nabiki Tendo too, just for the trouble she'd caused him.
"Suppose Hibiki wont fight me?" Maro asked.
"He will. I know his mind, I got a cat scan of it from when he was asleep."
"Oh . . . kay . . . anyway suppose he doesn't fight me for your hand in marriage? Suppose he knows he'll lose?"
"All the more reason to fight. He wants to marry me!" Yoshimi squealed.
"Keep telling yourself that." Maro said calmly, "but I think we should kidnap Nabiki Tendo. That will lure him out."
"I think of Nabiki Tendo as something of a sisterly figure, which is to say I am not incredibly fond of her and do wish to see her gang raped by a pack of killer baboons, none the less I would feel simply awful if Ryoga darling suffered any unhappiness at her death."
"I never said anything about her death." Maro pointed out.
"Of course you did." Yoshimi said conspiritously.
Maro grinned. "Well . . . when you put it that way . . ."
"So you kidnap Nabiki, challenge Ryoga, he rushes to save her, you defeat him, he marries me, and you get a nice big reward. It seems to me that everyone wins"
"Indeed." Maro grinned wickedly. "All I need is information on Nabiki, anything you can spare. Places she likes to go, people she spends time with aside from Ryoga? So we can arrange capture."
"That will not be a problem." Yoshimi sneered, "I've set everything up."
Well that was fast! "Good." Maro nodded. "Might I have my possessions back then?"
"Shortly, shortly. First I'm going to make my escape, leaving you here alone, and tied up with your possessions, as well as my ingenious instructions on a table in front of you."
"Uh . . . what?" Maro frowned.
"Yes, well if you're half the assassin I hope you are, getting yourself untied should not be a problem."
"Of course not." Maro said, unenthusiastically. He might be here a while.
"And when you have freed yourself, do see a doctor about your head."
"Huh? What's wrong with my head?"
"Nothing!" Yoshimi cried innocently. "I'm afraid I really must be going now, good luck! Takeru, tie him to the chair!"
Maro sighed as someone, probably Takeru, shoved him into a chair and began to tie him up. He would have to conclude this mission soon, master Jun must be worried sick about his progress!
Meanwhile Jun really was concerned over Maro. "Doesn't he ever die?" He demanded of no one in particular.
He'd gone through the trouble of telling that maniac girl where Maro was, mostly out of curiosity, but in the end he'd found it to be a show worth watching. While he'd figured Maro would simply kill her in the end the fool was beaten by her! Beaten by some silly teenage girl with a gun!
That the girl had a gun meant nothing, it should not have mattered, she should have been dead before she could pull the trigger, Maro was sloppy.
All that would have been bad enough, but to survive a shot to the head? Maro had to have some nerve to go on existing when Jun saw no real reason for it.
Maro seemed to exist only to kill indiscriminately. That it was, in a sense, the guild that had made him that way was besides the point, the guild saw no use for him, and he'd failed in the minor task Jun himself had set up for him, and now he'd been shot down by a teenage girl! For the young man to go on living after doing so much to prove he was so worthless was really quite rude.
Jun knew guns, they were his weapon of choice, he knew the human body, he was after all a real assassin, so he knew right away that the girl's shot had not killed Maro, all the same he'd sort of crossed his fingers.
Maro's task was, and ever had been a simple one. To combat Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki and then kill them, or be killed by them. Jun had thought the latter more likely but after witnessing the battle he feared that he might soon be faced with the delicate matter of explaining to Maro that killing Saotome and Hibiki had not made him part of guild.
That it had all been an elaborate ploy on Jun's part to size up the two boys and see how powerful they were, Lo-Chun had seemed quite sure of them in her letters to Jun, though it was hard to tell since she, out of genius or pure stupidity, some times wrote in a hybrid language of Japanese, Chinese, English, and what Jun believed might be Arabic. But if they could make Han nervous, they should have annihilated Maro down to his last cell, Saotome or Hibiki could be what Jun suspected they were . . . but then they had proven insufficient. Saotome had overcome Maro, but with difficulty, and Hibiki had been eliminated from the onset.
And now Maro taken prisoner by a small troop of pink ninja, and the maniac girl. Jun's plans were on hold, and it was insane to think that the rest of the guild wouldn't figure out what he was up to before Maro could be healed of his wounds and carry out the rest of his assignment. But perhaps one more try was all it would take?
Did he have time to waste? What if the guild made their move first? What if one of his rivals realized what he was doing and beat him at his own game?
There had to be some way, some way to prove he was right about Saotome and Hibiki before that happened.
He scowled, Maro was useless to him now, he could sneak in there and eliminate him, but he hardly felt like the younger man was worth the energy, and there'd be time enough for Maro's murder once Jun's own safety was assured. Though he had no way of knowing of Maro's plans to continue the mission Jun was confident that by this point time dictated that he simply handle things himself, which he most definitely did not want to do.
Somewhere . . . far away from Japan . . . but not too far mind you . . . well okay, a fair distance but not unthinkably far from Japan, Shampoo was lying on her back in a small crate, holding her tail over herself for warmth.
Despite the less than favorable traveling conditions she was thrilled at the fact that they'd arrive in Japan and on Great Grandmother's door step tomorrow afternoon.
Or this afternoon, a cat in a crate peeking out through some air holes which only allow cold air to flow through has no concept of days.
But she'd hand over Lo-Chun, and whatever business Great Grandmother had with her would end, Shampoo could go back to her routine before the annoying, skinny, tea drinking, knife loving, loud mouth, constantly talking, better off dead, llama-girl came into her life.
Though she'd miss having someone new to bully, who was mentally inferior and physically inept-whatever that meant-she'd easily adjust and go back to Mousse and Akane Tendo.
And Ryoga Hibiki when the mood took her.
And of course Ranma would be anxiously wondering where she was. Perhaps she should have brought him a souvenir?
No, her safe return would be enough for him, he'd be so thrilled and . . . who was she kidding?
Herself! That's who! Believe it! Believe it! YES! Ah . . . yes . . . Ranma would be so happy once she arrived!
Meanwhile, not far from Shampoo but slightly further from Japan than Shampoo since she was positioned closer to the back of the plane, Han Lo-Chun, the annoying, skinny, tea drinking, knife loving, loud mouth, constantly talking, better off dead, llama-girl, disliked by her creator, moronic assassin went over the plans in her head one more time.
It was brilliant, something she might have come up with before that unfortunate business with the Training Grounds. But it was suicidal, and she was reasonably sure that it would in fact be the last thing she ever did.
She only hoped they weren't too late, if they were . . . well she and Maro would have an eternity in hell together, she could make him pay for it all then. Over and over, she'd show him why she was the assassin, and he was just the pathetic failure with some fire works.
It was nearly dawn when Ryoga was violently shaken from his already uncomfortable sleep.
"Why are you hanging upside down?" Nabiki whispered.
"Don't ask." Ryoga sighed. Of course he was upside down because Happosai had caught him with a rope snare, and Ranma had been too much of a jerk to get him down.
"You have some strange hobbies, baby." Nabiki said with a frown. Or maybe a smile, it's hard to tell when you're hanging upside down. Ryoga tried to shrug, but he wasn't sure if she recognized it. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to get you." Nabiki purred.
"Get me?" Ryoga frowned.
"We've got some things to talk about." Nabiki said casually, "How do I get you down?" Without waiting for an answer Nabiki pulled on the rope, resulting in Ryoga falling onto his head.
"Thanks a lot!" Ryoga groaned.
"All right, stop playing around." Nabiki scoffed, "Let's go!"
"Go?"
"Yes. Go." Nabiki spoke slowly, as if she were talking to a very stupid child.
Ryoga would resent it if he weren't used to it. Actually, come to think of it, he did resent it a little . . . "Go . . . where?"
"To our room." The young woman shrugged.
"Our room?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow at her. He calculated briefly in his head, he was pretty sure they'd done it like five times this week alone, where did this woman find the energy?
"We're just going to talk." Nabiki said, either reading his mind, or lying to lure him into a false sense of security. "I rented us our own room . . . for the weekend so y'know, maybe when we're done talking . . ."
"How did you get the money for a room of our own?" Ryoga asked.
"I told you, if I need money I can get it in four minutes, five tops." Nabiki said, then she held up a hand as if to halt protest, "Now, now, I didn't steal it, why would you even think such a thing?"
"I wasn't, you just said-"
"No time for idle chit chat, my love. Now let's go, lots to talk about and you've got a busy day ahead of you, oh defender of the Tendo School of Martial Arts."
"I do?" Ryoga scratched his chin.
"If daddy didn't perish in a terrible fire consuming said school, yes, I'd imagine you do." Nabiki said casually, betraying only a small amount of concern mixed in with wry humor.
Ryoga followed her, but first decided to reset the trap to catch Ranma when he woke up.
Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno was still on a steak out mission in front of the hotel Nabiki and Kinnosuke had entered together.
Surely Nabiki would never do anything unseemly, it was just as Yoshimi had said, she would not act inappropriately.
But something told Tatewaki that such thinking was, for lack of a better word, moronic.
Nabiki Tendo was beautiful, and exciting to be around for some reason, but Tatewaki Kuno knew that in simply spending time with him as she did she was acting in an unseemly manner, what was it that might make him different from Kinnosuke?
Was he expecting loyalty from her? The very idea that Nabiki was even capable of being truly loyal to any person besides herself was somehow hard to believe.
Still Kuno felt that she should be loyal to him. She was disloyal to her current fiance only because she desired him more, and it had been so for years. Her current engagement was just an unfortunate formality, and it would end as soon as he asked her to end it.
But marriage . . . to Nabiki Tendo? Of course if he told her to cease her engagement she might expect him to propose to her, and he was not sure that he wanted this. Being with Nabiki was surprisingly enjoyable, but marriage seemed ridiculous, they'd only been dating for . . . good heavens, less than a week!
Or was he just afraid to ask her? Was he afraid that she would reject him? Though her willingness to go out with him the second time, and her willingness to kiss suggested otherwise, Kuno couldn't help but wonder; what if Yoshimi had been mistaken? What if Nabiki did not care for him at all, but truly did love this other boy, this friend of Ranma's whom Kuno did not know very well?
The very idea that a woman might use a man for nothing other than physical gratification was laughable to Tatewaki, that Nabiki might have an affair with him, use him to satisfy her primal desires while otherwise remaining true to her current fiancé was such a load of nonsense he almost laughed out loud at the mere thought.
No, she'd deemed her current lover unworthy, that was obviously the case. If he only told her to leave Hibiki she would do so without question. Surely the only reason she had not done so without his asking was that she was uncertain, it was too soon for her to know yet whether Kuno's affection was genuine, or a ploy.
And it occurred to him that the answer was a mixture of both.
But what if she'd deemed Tatewaki unworthy now? She had been with Kinnosuke in that room for a very long time . . .
What made Kuno different from Nabiki's current fiancé? He could not help wondering. What made him better? He knew there was something . . .
It seemed reasonable that this young man should be studied. Kuno knew Kinnosuke, he knew that in martial arts Kinnosuke would likely stand no chance against him. Of course neither would Ranma Saotome if only the wind would stop whipping Tatewaki's hair in his eyes, if only those pesky rocks could keep out of his way so he wouldn't slip, if only, if only . . .
He remained vigilant outside of the hotel until sunrise, refusing to leave until Kinnosuke did.
When that finally occurred, the other boy seemed groggy, and confused. Kuno waited until he was certain that Nabiki was not with him, then confronted him.
"Oh no!" Kinnosuke groaned. "Not now, Tate-chan, my head hurts."
"Where is Nabiki Tendo?" Tatewaki demanded. "What did you two do last night?"
"I don't know." Kinnosuke grunted.
"Do not lie to me!" Kuno roared, drawing his sword.
He was lacking sleep, his temper was short.
"I cant remember." Kinnosuke said, rubbing a bump on his head. "It must have been incredible though, because I woke up butt naked with this terrible hang over and the phone number of some woman named "Nodoka" taped to my chest."
"And where is Nabiki Tendo?" Kuno demanded.
"I don't know. I guess she left early this morning." Kinnosuke said, then chuckled, "I must have been too much for her."
Kuno frowned. He hadn't seen Nabiki leave . . . perhaps she had left before he'd set up surveillance? If so then she would have hardly had time to betray him . . .
And of course that made all the sense in the world! Of course she had not given herself to Kinnosuke, she had simply drugged him, or intoxicated him or something.
Yes! Yes of course! Or perhaps his lack of sleep was affecting his judgment-no! No, Nabiki would never sleep with Kinnosuke, she, like Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl would remain pure and chaste for his benefit.
And he needed only to ask her, and she'd leave Hibiki. She was his if only he'd reach out and take her, now the only question was 'did he want her'?
He'd think it over. "Farewell Kinnosuke, enjoy your hang over." Tatewaki said absently, and he left.
Ushio was feeling terribly pleased with himself, so much so that he'd been able to forget the incredible pain in his groin. Which, as any man would know, meant that he was so pleased at that moment, if he died and went to heaven, he'd have been disappointed.
Boy oh boy, did he have surprises in store for Tendo and his team!
While technically it was true that more than half of Ushio's team had never taken a lesson from him in their lives, Tendo was also enlisting "students" who likely would not fight with Tendo's style of martial arts.
If Tendo still had a style, Ushio feared his chief rival was just a blustery individual, full of talk and hot air but little else and almost devoid of skill.
He was now a little annoyed at Anzu for declaring a five on five tournament, Ushio Koruda had hoped for something a little smaller, perhaps a two on two tournament? This way he wouldn't have to use Anzu and Tomoko, compared to Mousse and Ushio's other ringers those two were jokes!
Of course he could still replace them!
Oh the surprises he had in store for Tendo!
He clapped his hands, "Tomoko!" He cried.
"Meh"
"Go now my young apprentice!"
"We talked about that, old man!" The young woman snapped, looking away from a class she was instructing and nearly getting hit in the face with a bo staff. Ushio felt a little disappointed when she dodged out of the way without even seeing it coming, since he'd been hit by a bo staff just yesterday and he had seen it coming.
So the girl was better than him, did she have to prove it so effortlessly?
"About what?" He asked innocently.
"You callin' me that!" The young woman snapped, annoyance in her brown eyes.
"Yes . . . I'm sorry . . . my nearly legal drinking age apprentice!"
"Son of a-" Tomoko got that dangerous look in her eyes.
"All right, all right, Instructor Ie?" Ushio offered, Tomoko put the Chinese broadsword down and nodded. "Would you be so kind as to go to Tendo Training Hall and deliver our challenge letter?"
Tomoko frowned. "Challenge letter?" She asked.
"Of course! We cant fight Tendo if we haven't even set a date!"
"Really? Because I thought it was pretty clever. Now when they don't show up we just say they chickened out, we win by default, and I keep all my permanent teeth." Ie said, pursing her lips stubbornly.
"Just go." Ushio sighed.
"Fine, but you take over teaching my class." Tomoko sneered. Her five students, all armed with staffs sneered at Ushio as well, a couple of them winked, and one of them spat into his palms and rubbed them together, chuckling menacingly.
"Hmm . . . on second thought, Anzu! You're going to have to deliver the letter of challenge."
"But daddy!" Anzu whined, "I'm teaching a class too! If I go you have to take over."
"Oh sure, muffin!" Ushio chuckled until he saw that Anzu was teaching her students to use katanas.
Anzu noticed the look on his face and said, "They'll be on their best behavior, wont you all?"
"Oh sure!" One student said, whipping out a stone and sharpening the blade.
"Something like that . . ." Another said, moving his finger along the blade.
"We'll be good, we promise!" Another added, as he licked the steel of the weapon, a crazed look in his eyes.
Ushio looked at the two groups and sighed. "Eh . . . on second thought, I think I will deliver this myself."
"Good choice old man." Tomoko nodded.
"Don't get lost daddy!" Anzu nodded too.
Both young women went back to teaching their classes, Ushio sighed and put his coat on. "Gosh I'm respected." He sighed again.
That morning the mighty warriors of the Tendo clan gathered in the dojo as Master Soun Tendo gave his presentation in front of a large green chalk board. Ranma couldn't help wondering why the dojo was still standing.
"Didn't ya try to torch this place for the insurance money last night, pop?" Ranma asked.
"Enough with your fantasies, no one tried to burn anything down last night!" Genma Saotome said, adjusting his glasses.
"Not so," Dr. Tofu said, "why just last night Betty and I were watching TV when suddenly the news reporter announced that a man and his panda launched an attack on the local library, they set it on fire and unfortunately it burned to the ground."
"Didn't the firefighters put out the flames?" Ukyo, part of the Tendo team, asked.
"They were blocked by protesters from the local college." Tofu said simply.
"You're just kidding, right?" Ukyo demanded.
"No." Tofu said. "Though once the librarian announced that the new pornographic media section was about to perish the protesters became very repentant, and even helpful, unfortunately by then it was too late to save anything, though a few young men suffered serious burns in an attempt."
"Yes, well as tragic as that is," Soun announced, "We must-"
"Who wants punch?" Kasumi announced, handing Dr. Tofu a glass of punch.
"And who wants cookies?" Akane cried, nobody so much as blinked at her. Akane glared around the room. "Someone's going to eat them. Ranma? Ryoga? Dad?"
Ryoga seemed not to have even heard Akane, but Ranma waved her away and pinched his nose at the sight of her cookies, his idea of politely saying "maybe later sweet heart"
"If I eat one, will you let me explain my grand master plan?" Soun asked warily.
Akane nodded, Soun ate one, then doubled over in pain. 'Better him than me.' Ranma thought.
"Akane, you're part of this too," Genma said, "Why don't you leave the cookies and punch to Kasumi and just have a seat."
"Sure." Akane shrugged. She sat down next to Dr. Tofu, making sure everyone knew she was sitting as far away from Ranma as possible by taking exaggerated steps.
Ranma scoffed. Like he wanted to sit next to her anyway . . . 'cause he really didn't . . . he wouldn't have minded though . . . of course he didn't want her to, but . . . well what was wrong with the space next to him? The girl was just being . . . a girl! And after he'd gone and beat up that pasty jerk to save her hadn't he earned a 'get out of eating Akane's cooking free' card or something?
Women! Even though Ranma did spend quite a bit of time as one, he still didn't understand them.
When Akane made the mistake of eating one of her own cookies Ranma felt better.
They had to wait for Akane to stop hacking and coughing, and for Soun to stop holding his stomach and rolling around in pain before the meeting could continue.
"Ahem! Here we go. We're going to practice, train and train and then practice some more! You're all going to learn to sleep with your eyes open, you're going to march in your sleep, we're going to keep on going until each one of you is a warrior capable of eliminating entire elements of the Japanese military in my name, we're not going to stop until this grand little island is ours, then we go on to China! I wont let you rest until you've each slain a dragon, you hear me? Oh laugh now, but when those Koruda dragon slayers use their dragon slaying techniques on you you'll be grateful! You'll all be grateful! I'm going to drill you and drill you until you can disassemble a rifle in five seconds while doing push ups, then use the various pieces to build a high speed fighter jet that can-"
"Dad?" Akane raised her hand.
"Yes, Akane?" Tendo seemed annoyed at being interrupted.
"What the heck are you talking about?" Akane asked.
Tendo tapped his chin for a moment, then sighed. "Never mind what I just said. Just . . . try not to die out there!"
"This is going to be a breeze." Ranma scoffed. "We'll just have Yoshimi sit in the audience and Ryoga can go berserk on all of 'em for us!"
"That will be plan A." Soun nodded, he wrote that down on the chalk board.
Ryoga scowled, "Great! Invite Yoshimi, the person I want to be away from, let's give her an invitation to stand in the crowd and tell everyone how I'm her fiancee, so everyone will know I've stooped to Ranma's level!"
"My level?" Ranma raised an eyebrow. "What do ya mean 'my level'?"
"While we're at it, how about if we shove that squirrel in Ranma's pants and see if it gives him super powers?" Ryoga asked. What was his problem? So he didn't like Yoshimi? Big deal, she wasn't so bad. No need to go getting squirrels involved.
"Excellent!" Soun cried, he wrote that down on the chalk board too, Ranma glared at Ryoga, who just glared right back.
It was bad enough he'd woken up and gotten himself caught in Happosai's rope snare somehow, he didn't need to contemplate a squirrel being shoved into his pants.
Still, something seemed to be really bothering Ryoga, he was being twice the jerk he usually was, and only half as talkative.
This of course implied that he'd worked up the brain power to find more silent ways to be a jerk, it was startling indeed to think Ryoga might be, like the great apes of Antarctica: learning.
Ryoga noticed Ranma staring at him and scowled, he stood up and said to Soun, "Look, the strategy is simple, you let us do what we do best and we'll win this tournament for you!"
"Yeah, since we know nothing about our competition it seems like sort of a waste to have a strategy session." Ukyo agreed.
"No, no, no!" Tendo said, "It is because we know nothing of our enemies that we must train more diligently now than ever before"
Ryoga scoffed. "Just point me in their direction and make sure they sign a waver."
"Hate to say it," Ranma said, "But Ryoga's right. Only point him in the wrong direction, so he actually shows up for the fight"
"Shut up!" Ryoga snapped.
Ranma scowled at him. Of all the things to be told, being told to 'shut up' really annoyed him for some reason. It was like . . . okay, he would, but because he was through talkin', not because Ryoga had won. Only since he knew Ryoga would think he'd won, he now had to say something slick.
Who ever thought of putting the words 'shut' and 'up' together should be dragged out back and shot with a forty caliber.
"Get over it man, you know your sense of direction is as bad as Akane's cooking." This was Ranma's oh so slick remark. He hadn't thought it over too well though.
"What?" Akane roared.
"What?" Ryoga agreed. "Ranma, my sense of direction isn't that . . . uh . . ." He saw Akane's evil glare and said, "good"
"Hmm . . . yeah, you're right. Her cooking is better than your sense of direction. I think that says something, don't you guys?" Ranma sneered and folded his arms.
"We're all on the same team!" Ukyo snapped as she and Dr. Tofu held Ryoga back. "We've got those anime-convention rejects to take on in their lame little super ranger suits or whatever the heck they wear, so we don't need to kill each other! Now you two get along or I'll rip your heads off!"
Ryoga scowled. Ranma scowled.
Ukyo rolled up her sleeve, and both boys shook hands quickly and wiped the scowls off their faces, replaced by smiles. Ryoga's eyes were still scowling though, Ranma felt like his probably were too.
To anyone else they probably looked like a couple of morons.
However Ranma really didn't think Ukyo would hit him, she might beat the snot out of Ryoga, but not him. She liked him too much. Still he felt that since the argument had been brought to a close after he'd had the final word over Ryoga, he was the victor.
The look on Akane's face told him he'd feel differently later, but maybe she'd forget by the time the meeting was over.
"Ahem," Soun said, "what we need is to train so that no matter who we're up against, we'll be ready. Ryoga . . ." he said, a little cautious which meant what he was going to say next would probably piss the lost boy off, "suppose your opponent is Maro?"
"Whozzat?" Ryoga raised his eyebrows.
"Fan-boy." Ranma translated. "I thought we told you his name."
"Like I'd bother to remember!" Ryoga cried.
"Well, what if he were your opponent?" Ukyo asked.
"He's nothing!" Ryoga sighed. "Suppose he is my opponent, so what?"
"So wont'cha get yer butt kicked at the word 'go'?" Ranma sneered, Ryoga spun around.
"I'm no weakling!" Ryoga roared, "If I ever, ever meet with Masasho or whatever again I will annihilate him, you hear me"
"Yeah . . . what about the illusions that you so totally fell for?" Ranma laughed.
Ryoga suddenly seemed somewhat deflated, he just scoffed. "Let him just try it again!"
"What about me?" Akane demanded, "I fell for those illusions too!"
Ranma frowned. He hadn't forgotten about that . . . it just hadn't been on his mind . . . yeah, that sounded good. "Look, forget about the illusions, okay?" Ranma said.
"Exactly, they're nothing to be concerned about." Ryoga agreed.
"It isn't the first time we've been up against someone who's main offensive was illusion, okay? And odds are Maro has nothing to do with this," Ranma continued, "and even if he did, I'd still put my yen on Akane or Ryoga." He said, trying to soothe things over. The look on Ryoga's face told him that while the comment was accepted things were not exactly peachy. Akane's expression told him that she was not flattered and peaches had nothing to do with anything.
Soun nodded. "It's not just Maro's illusions. You have to be ready for anything. Suppose it rains"
"If we're careless enough to get wet, we deserve to lose!" Ranma said. Then he got splashed.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist." Kasumi giggled. "Does this mean I win?"
"I dunno, did you bring me some punch?" Ranko demanded.
"Yes." Kasumi said, offering himer hera glass.
"Then I'll let this go." Ranko nodded forgivingly.
Just then the door to the dojo came crashing down and there stood . . . some weird guy who sort of looked like Soun with shorter hair and no mustache, though he did have a goatee.
Nodoka, Ranma's mom, was hanging onto to stranger, and moaning.
"My door!" Soun wept.
"Does this woman belong to any of you?" The man sounded annoyed.
"That's my wife." Genma sighed.
"Please relieve me of her." The man nodded to Genma, who came over and pried his wife off of him.
"But the goatee makes him look like such a stud!" Nodoka moaned.
"Yes, yes, I know. Ahem!" The man said, "I am Ushio Koruda, head of the Koruda School of Combat! And I am here to challenge your puny, pathetic Tendo Training Hall to a battle that will end all battles! A grand tournament, five of your best, five of our best, an elimination style tournament to decide who is the greater school!"
"Koruda! My sworn enemy! I will-hey we already got this challenge . . ." Soun scowled.
"Yes, but I'm making it official! So here is your letter of challenge and your invitations, a detailed map leading you to our dojo where the tournament shall commence this evening! Also your pre-paid parking tickets, complementary air freshener and bumper sticker!"
"Yes, yes, excel-eh? This evening?" Soun demanded.
"Is there an echo in here?" Ushio demanded right back. "Yes, this evening! Be prepared Tendo, for I have at my disposal fighters of undeniable prowess! Each a hyena: king of the rain forest!"
"Don't you mean a lion: king of the Savannah?" Dr. Tofu asked.
"No, I meant what I said!" Ushio cried. "Now I leave you!" He ran over to the window and threw himself out of it.
Except that the glass was quite strong, so he actually just slammed into it then slid to the floor. He then got up, rubbed his head, opened the window, and leapt out. He ran off laughing sinisterly.
Tendo sighed, and looked at the invite. "All right then, I want all of you to be prepared for the tournament tonight! Be ready to fight gloriously for our school!"
"This isn't really 'our' school," Ukyo pointed out, "It's yours and Akane's, the rest of us aren't your students"
"Well then be ready to fight for my school!" Soun clarified. "I am paying you after all!"
"No you're not." Ukyo said.
Soun looked a little surprised. "I'm not? Oh . . . oh that's right, I spent the money I was going to spend paying you all to buy gasoline and cigarettes. Well, act as if I'm paying you!"
Dr. Tofu was the only one who didn't seem to be annoyed by this. But then for him the pay off was being given a new chainsaw, which he'd already gotten.
"Hey, we'll take 'em all out in the first rounds baby, then we can see which one of us is the best." Ranma said.
Ryoga grinned, "And if we just happened to destroy their dojo in the process?"
"Not our fault, they're the ones hosting this thing after all, gotta deal with the consequences." Ukyo laughed sinisterly.
"My sentiments exactly!" Soun laughed. "Now, everyone prepare, and be ready to meet here at . . . Five o'clock this evening! Now go and practice your moves on a cliff facing a raging surf!"
"No more movies for you, dad." Akane sighed.
The crate was dropped off in front of the public baths, as had been instructed.
Han Lo-Chun had no intention of being delivered to Cologne, and pity the old woman if she interfered with Han's plans.
Well . . . maybe Han would be utterly foiled if the elder amazon so much as raised a pinkie to interfere . . . but still the pity should remain, anyone that old and short and ugly deserved the greatest pity . . . and a paper bag with a little face drawn on it or something.
She had to get out of this crate before all the thinking caused her nose to bleed again! Oh my Gosh! Llamas have such big noses!
The crate was opened and the llama girl bolted for the hot water, when she emerged from the men's side of the public baths-as if llamas paid attention to who was in the line they were trampling!-she immediately retrieved her cloths and equipment from the crate, which had been left behind by the delivery truck, which had gone on to deliver Shampoo.
If she wanted to go see the elder, more power to her.
The redressed and rearmed not to mention really annoying assassin surveyed the city that had been her second home for the past few weeks.
Gosh she'd miss it. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the animals that harassed her, the birds that threatened her with their bowel movement bombs, the cars that honked at her whenever she tried to dash across the road, the people who made rude gestures with their hands, making her feel as if she were stuck in the United States. How she'd miss it all.
Wait . . . no she wouldn't. Man was this a place she was glad to be leaving behind forever!
But now, first thing first, figure out who was still alive, who wasn't and if her arch foe Maro was involved.
No . . . no the first thing to do was locate a Burger Thing, she was hungry.
No, no! The first thing was more important than the second thing! But darn it what was the first thing? She'd gone and confused herself!
'Better just go to the Tendo house.' Han decided. 'Maybe they'll still be alive, and whether they are or they aren't they must have something to eat.'
Anzu Koruda nudged Tomoko as her father's new 'students' arrived at the dojo.
One guy wore oversized robes and a dorky pair of glasses, had long hair and despite it all was somehow absolutely mouth watering.
The next one looked like some miniature old doll, she was preparing tea for some reason. Even though Anzu knew that looks weren't everything-why else would her mother have married her father?-this lady really didn't look like a martial artist. She was just some old . . . kneeling . . . thing.
The third "ringer" as her father called them, was a large bald man with several tattoos and piercings. He looked like he'd escaped from a mental institution, and Anzu told herself he probably had. When they'd first been introduced he'd asked Anzu and Tomoko if either of them had a name starting with the letter A, and had decided to call herself Uzna, which in retrospect had sounded sort of stupid.
Tomoko snorted-very unladylike-and rolled her eyes. "I'd pity those Tendo creeps, but I'm finally gettin' paid so whatever lunatic stunts your dad wants to pull are fine with me. Plus if he ever stops payin' me again, I can threaten t'sue him for endangering my life 'n this crazy tourney of his."
"That's a very mercenary attitude. Don't you have any pride in your school? Any . . . what's it called?"
"Loyalty?" Tomoko offered.
"Yeah that. Don't you have any loyalty?" Anzu asked.
"It's a pay check, nothing more." The older girl shrugged. "Some times I think you big time martial arts families take this whole biz too seriously."
Anzu felt greatly offended, she made a face at Tomoko and shook her head. "For your information, my family does not take this all too seriously, it's just . . . well everyone needs hobbies right? I mean . . . I mean . . . I don't have a problem!" Anzu screamed desperately.
"Hello everyone!" Anzu's father cried. "Now that you're here you can all see if your new uniforms fit!" He snapped his fingers and the lights went out, then five spot lights shone down upon five mannequins wearing five Super Ranger type costumes, each red and black with a different sort of weapon in hand. Unlike the suits Ushio had shoved his team in before, these ones lacked helmets, and while that might improve visibility Anzu sort of felt like it might also increase the fatality rate among her team once this tournament got under way.
Despite that concern, she couldn't help but notice that the female uniforms seemed to rather enlarge the breasts. Whichever one was hers, she couldn't help but think she was a little undersized for it in that department.
Who were these made for? The other fighters could almost hide inside those breasts! Was there an air pump nearby? She'd heard of shoulder pads but . . . this was the sort of thing girls in American junior high schools did to attract boys in college, or their father's best friends.
"Well maybe you ain't got a problem." Tomoko said. "But he's got several."
Anzu buried her face in her hands, not sure she should even pretend to disagree with Tomoko on that little fact-er opinion.
"I was not aware that we would be wearing costumes." The kid with glasses said. "I have no time for Halloween tricks and treats!"
"These power suits will offer you protection from enemy blows, and each one has been modified to suit your fighting style needs." Anzu's dad said. She let out a soft moan of protest. This was so not her life.
Nabiki lay back and enjoyed the newest hole in the wall and the excellent tanning rays it let in.
It was like being at the beach, only there wasn't really any water. But on the up side she had a refrigerator nearby and the only loud annoying kids were Ranma, Akane and Ryoga and all three of them were busy 'training' in the dojo.
'Training' meaning that Akane and Ryoga had teamed up to punish Ranma for something he'd said earlier because he was a jerk.
Nabiki sipped some punch that no one wanted and threw one of Akane's cookies-they made great frisbees-to Mercedes who'd shown up for no reason whatsoever.
Amazingly the dog was able to stand having the cookie in its mouth, but even he knew better than to eat it, he just ran off to bury it in the yard.
Of course dad would be furious when he saw all the holes the giant dog was digging in his back yard, but Nabiki figured whatever kept the beast from humping her leg was worth any amount of her father's tears.
"Cry me a river, daddy!" She shouted to the old man who probably couldn't hear her anyway, as she threw another cookie.
This one the dog caught easily, and then ran off to bury it, then he'd come back for another, and mindlessly bury it as well.
Nabiki recalled the conversation she'd had with Ryoga this morning, it had not gone at all the way she had hoped it would. It was sometimes hard to tell what Ryoga understood and what he didn't since he had a tendency to jump to conclusions.
Nabiki wondered if she should talk to him . . . but the sun was so lovely and distracting . . . her tan was after all very important, properly done it could benefit him just as much as it could benefit her, as he'd be seen in the presence of a now tanned goddess which would make mortal people wish upon stars that they could be him.
Nabiki wondered briefly if maybe she was a little conceited, but she told herself that anyone so beautiful deserved to be.
And threw Mercedes another cookie.
Han Lo-Chun was sitting peacefully in a tree in the back yard of the Tendo home trying to figure out if anyone was alive in there.
There were holes in the walls, which was not unusual, there were shouts coming from the dojo, which also was not unusual, but the yard was filled with craters, and what looked like a dozen shallow graves.
Gods she was hungry, so hungry . . . and then suddenly a cookie fell into her lap from out of the sky.
So there really was a god!
She tasted it, and wanted to die.
So there really was a devil!
Hacking and coughing she fell out of the tree, but luckily she landed on her head which resulted in no serious damage.
Had this strange ringing in her ears . . . and everything seemed a little blurry. None the less she was fine. Except for the pain in her stomach and the burning sensation on her tongue.
Then that blasted dog charged her and stole the cookie, which Lotion decided the beast was more than welcome to.
If she needed any more proof that at least some of the Tendo family was still living she had it, for no one in the universe could bake like Akane.
Thankfully.
Just then she heard a familiar voice, "How'd it go?"
She looked around, was someone talking to her?
A young woman said something indistinct, Lotion didn't recognize her voice.
She did know the first voice, and she had a terrible feeling in her stomach as she recognized who it belonged to. She leapt onto the roof of the house to get a better look.
She moved carefully, and looked down at the dojo.
What she saw forced a gasp out of her thin lips.
"I knew it!" The familiar man seemed pleased. "I will have Ranma Saotome at this tournament, dead or alive." It seemed the situation was far worse than she'd realized. She had to warn them, this was serious!
It grew even more serious when she realized she was slipping off of the roof.
"Yes, it's most tragic . . ." Kasumi whispered.
"I imagine so." Dr. Tofu said. He was facing the wall and wearing a blindfold for some reason, Kasumi didn't understand, but if thinking he could sense her spiritual power and therefore see her while blindfolded even though he obviously had mistaken her for a wall, made the good doctor happy she was just as happy to tolerate it.
Or something like that.
"So do you suppose you could . . ." Kasumi trailed off.
"I am a chiropractor, not an architect, but I do know quite a few, all clients of course. I'd be happy to tell them about your situation, but really Akane, why would I dislocate their backs until they agree to do it for free? I take excellent care of my patients, I never injure them."
"I never said you should dislocate anything, I only asked you to recommend one that worked for . . . uh . . . not a lot of money." Kasumi said. She did not want to offend the good doctor, after all he was such a charming fellow . . . but in all honesty she had never seen him treat a patient he hadn't left seriously injured.
Nabiki said it was just him trying to impress her, but that was silly, why should a man like Dr. Tofu want to impress a girl like Kasumi? Her sister was insane.
Insane and perverted, maybe there was something really wrong with her family . . .
No time to think about that right now she had to . . . eh?
"Nihau!" Shampoo screamed, and down came the wall.
"Oh my! Akane!" Dr. Tofu cried, throwing himself onto the rubble and trying to pull it together, "Speak to me!"
"Hello Shampoo . . ." Kasumi said as Shampoo strolled in, stomping all over Tofu.
"Shampoo back from trip to China, great grand mother not very happy to see Shampoo come back with stuffed llama instead of real Lotion, she tell Shampoo go out and find skinny girl or no supper! But Shampoo no care, Shampoo come see Ranma"
Kasumi smiled, even though listening to Shampoo just now made her brain feel funny. As if some hand inside her skull was gently squeezing it, then letting go. Squeezing, letting go. She wanted to know more about Lotion. Still it would be rude to detain Shampoo when she really, really wanted to see Ranma, so Kasumi pointed her in the right direction and Shampoo stomped off happily.
"Are you quite all right, doctor?" Kasumi asked.
Tofu stood up, and slammed his fist into his palm, "I'm fine, Ukyo, Akane may require medical attention though. Incidentally, I've just thought of a new, devastating technique! I will call it the Tofu Strike! Please ask Kasumi to watch for it during the tournament, it will be amazing! I must go now!" He ran out of the hole in the wall and headed for home before Kasumi could even say "goodbye, I hope your new Tofu Strike works out for you".
Ranma had just finished defeating Ryoga and Akane. To defeat Ryoga, he simply beat the snot out of him, of course there was nothing simple about it, but there's no reason to go into details.
It had involved a squirrel, and a bag of nuts though, Ranma might have to tell Ukyo all about it later.
Beating Akane had been trickier since Ranma hadn't wanted to break any of her bones-it wasn't that he wanted to break Ryoga's, he just didn't really care-so he had to just hop around and dodge her attacks until she wore herself down and started to curse.
Now the three of them were taking a break, sitting around what was left of Ranma's bag of nuts-oh grow up!-and talking about combat strategy for the tournament.
"Remember what I said Ryoga, run away from your opponent, that way you'll actually run towards them!" Ranma encouraged his friend.
Ryoga made a rather rude hand gesture, and then threw a nut at Ranma.
"Pst! Hey!" A voice whispered, Ranma turned around to see a slightly familiar young woman, wearing a red dress and matching boots that went up to her knees. They might have gone even higher, but he couldn't tell because the rest of her legs were covered by the dress.
Shame, she looked like she had nice legs.
She wore blue nail polish and lipstick, it seemed strange to Ranma, who'd have gone with a blue dress and red lipstick, but then so did this young woman's ability to sneak up on the trio of martial artists.
"Can I help you?" Akane asked.
"I came to help you!" The girl said, "It's me, Anzu, remember? You beat me and my friends up, then tied me to a chair."
"Oh yeah!34-26-36!" Ranma cried. Akane slapped him in the back of the head. "Ow! What brings you here?"
"I . . . I know we have our differences-"
"Yeah, when I'm a girl I'm better built. But you're nice too." Ranma said, Akane whacked him again, Anzu whacked him too.
"I have come to warn you," Anzu said, "not to fight in the tournament, it will mean your doom!"
"Ours? Don't you mean yours?" Ryoga scoffed.
Anzu blushed, "Well I admit I wouldn't mind not having to fight you guys again . . . or having to wear the Super Stupid Ranger suit, but that's not what I meant. I mean it'd be a bonus, sure, but I'm not that-look I don't have much time, I need to warn you guys, my dad has hired mercenaries to take you on, some freaky old tea hag who never seems to stop kneeling"
"She's yours Akane!" Ranma cried, knowing Anzu could only mean Sentaro's grandmother.
"What?" Akane demanded. "I don't need your charity!" It seemed she didn't realize who the freaky old tea hag was. "He's got some freaky giant with tattoos and body piercings, and a wristband that says 'Property of Overpriced Mental Institution' who keeps asking me if my name starts with the letter 'A' and wants to know if I've ever tried to fit myself into a pot!"
"Seems familiar, but I cant quite place the pot reference . . ." Akane said.
"Ukyo might know." Ranma said.
"Then there's this freakishly cute guy with this gorgeous long raven hair, these beautiful eyes-even when he's wearing his glasses-and this powerful, manly air about him, as if you know he's the sort of person who would never change into a duck"
"Well that cancels out who I thought it was." Ryoga sighed.
"Why do you describe all of your father's hired fighters with the word 'freak'?" Ranma asked.
"Just because!" Anzu cried. "But anyway the most serious, important threat of all is his frea-er I mean his friend. This friend of my dad's is so powerful it makes me really glad I'm not on your team! But unlike that mercenary best friend of mine I do care about what happens to other people, namely you people, and even though I don't really know or like you guys very much, and even though your master tied me up and made me tell him my measurements and whether or not I was ovulating, and even though I would love the opportunity to burn this dojo to the ground, I would hate to see you broken, defeated and humiliated or even worse!"
"Hah!" Ranma cried. "There's nothing worse than defeat, so I know you're lying!"
"Well being dead is pretty bad too." Anzu said. "I have to go, but please don't fight at the tournament! That fourth guy . . . he'll turn you into a fine paste and feed you to the people in the old folk's home!"
"Yeah right." Ranma laughed. "Now I've gotta go, just to see what's so great about this guy!"
"Please, don't be so reckless!" Anzu pleaded.
"Enough with your complaints!" Ranma said, "Allow me to put yer mind at ease, I'm Ranma Saotome, heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, I'm unbeatable, and I'm going to win this tournament. Your concern is touching, but I've already got three fiancees, there just ain't enough of the cuteness to go around."
Anzu scoffed. "Whatever, I tried." She turned to leave, then looked back and added, "By the way, your friend with the bandanna is cuter than you."
"Well there you go," Ranma decided, "with that she proves she'll lie about anything, we cant trust a word she's said!"
"Hey!" Ryoga protested, Ranma waved him silent.
"Oh Ranma . . ." Akane shook her head, pityingly.
"How'd it go?" Jun asked, leaning against the door to the dojo as Ushio's daughter emerged.
"How did what go?" Anzu shrugged.
"You went in there to warn Saotome about me, didn't you?" Jun chuckled. "You heard me talking to your father, you know I'm after him, and you're trying to keep him from showing up."
"Let's assume what you say is true," Anzu said, "If it is, and you knew, why'd you let me tell him"
"Because I knew that you telling him not to come would make him all the more determined to come. A volcano can now erupt right under him and he'll still drag his carcass to the tournament.
Anzu shook her head in defeat. "Yeah, that's pretty much the feeling I got from talking to him." She admitted.
"I knew it." Jun grinned. His Super Assassin senses started to tingle for a moment, he felt as if someone were watching him. "I will have Ranma Saotome at this tournament, dead or alive!"
He heard a sound from far off, like someone falling off of a roof because they're an idiot.
He shook his head, this town was just full of strange people.
"Sir, could I ask you a question?" Anzu asked.
"You just did. But I'll let you ask another, since your father and I are such good friends." Jun said.
Anzu frowned and was silent for a moment. Then she said, "Does my dad know you're going to be fighting at this tournament"
Jun smiled, and said nothing. He simply walked away and headed for the Koruda school.
There was a lot to do before the tournament started. Anzu might think that her warning Ranma and his friends about her father's ringers was a waste of time, but she was dead wrong.
Now that Saotome and his friends knew they'd be up against real fighters, maybe they'd be on a higher guard. Saotome himself would be even more excited at the prospect of a more powerful foe, according to Ushio's dossiers the boy enjoyed a challenge, same as Jun.
Unfortunately for him, this challenge would be more than he could handle.
Many more things would happen that day before the tournament, unfortunately Ranma didn't notice any of it, not even when there was a terrible fire and his father rolled around on the floor in front of him, screaming in hideous, fiery pain.
All he could do was wonder. Who was this super tough fighter? Would he really be a challenge? How would Ranma beat him?
Would he even get a chance to face him? What if the mystery fighter went up against Ryoga, or Ukyo? What if they beat him? That would mean that even though he wasn't really all that and a bag of chips, Ryoga or Ukyo might still get to fight the tournament's best fighter and he'd be left with some loser, like . . . what was her name again?
What if his opponent wasn't the guy he was supposed to be worried about, but was someone tough all the same? A guy/girl could only hope!
Or, what if Ryoga, Ukyo, Tofu and Akane all got wiped out in their first rounds? Then that meant that Ranma would face off against the best the Koruda school had to offer . . . by himself!
It would be too awesome! The idea was practically orgasmic-whoa, where did that word come from? Well he wouldn't let it bother him-but the wait was excruciating.
Twice Nabiki asked him why he was doing the 'pee-pee dance' when the back yard tree was as inviting as ever, but he just ignored her.
He was tapping his feet like a drug addict in need of a fix, and bouncing up and down anxiously, he was not doing a 'pee-pee dance'.
And he didn't have a problem! Don't judge him until you have tried his way of life and found it to be . . . well anyway suffice it to say that Ranma was very excited.
Shampoo was very excited too because Ranma had been so happy to see her that he'd danced around for joy. However amusing it was at first became boring and slightly frightening in time, so she left to find Lotion, as her great grandmother had instructed.
Nabiki was not excited in the least, Ryoga had failed to speak to her and she therefore decided that she would not speak to him either. That he had been transformed into P-Chan when she wanted to talk to him was, in her mind, nothing more than a clever escape from a much needed conversation.
Akane was not as excited as she was nervous. Ranma had been dancing and squealing anxiously for a while now, everyone was getting ready to leave for the tournament, but Akane thought maybe Ranma should leave for the hospital.
Ryoga was nervous. He'd spent most of the rest of the day as P-chan, and had a great deal of time to think. Doubts and worries kept surfacing in his mind. What if he wasn't strong enough? What if he wasn't fast enough? What if he wasn't smart enough? He kept telling himself he wasn't weak, but at the same time another part of him kept insisting that he was, kept replaying the past few battles for him, with added and extended scenes mostly involving his weakness. Then there was his conversation with Nabiki that morning, he didn't even know how to handle that, he really needed some helpful advice.
Ukyo was bored silly, she'd briefly considered flirting with Ranma, but figured she'd have no luck getting through his mental barrier of weirdness. Was this really the man she wanted to marry? Ryoga looked like he needed to talk to someone, but she decided that whatever his problem was, he could deal with it on his own since she hadn't seen him dump Nabiki and help her with her scheme yet.
Tofu didn't have a care in the world, he had his chainsaw and was ready to rumble.
Maro was growing quite nervous because people kept asking him about his head. What was wrong with his head?
Mercedes was pleased however, he'd buried a thirteen cookies, a baker's dozen, and that assassin after she fell off from the roof. Nobody was praising him, which was annoying. Humans, you just couldn't reason with them! Once he found out how to become human he'd make them praise him!
And surprisingly Lotion, who had fallen out of a tree and then landed on her head, then fallen off a roof that she somehow managed to jump onto, and again landed on her head, was feeling absolutely nothing.
However regardless of what our heroes, villains and inbetweeners were feeling the time had at last come to fight for the honor of their schools, or watch their friends and family fight for the honor of their schools while they say back and cheered or-at least in Nabiki's case-wished they were somewhere else.
Or at least that was what they expected, what Ranma expected, but soon they'd see that the madness of Ushio Koruda would doom the fighters to a torment comparable to death, or having to listen to children's radio.
But they were expecting nothing more than simple competition when they arrived, they had no idea what the reality of the situation was.
He laid eyes on his opponents, there was . . . what was her name? 34-26-36 or something.
Then her friend who looked sort of like a 34-22-34, Sentaro's crazy grandmother, Mousse of all people and the huge crazy guy from the mental institute whom Konatsu and Ukyo had briefly taken on as a pet.
"It's good t'see ya here, Mousse." Ranma grinned challengingly, "Gives me someone interesting to beat on!"
"Martial Arts is about self defense, not beating down on people." 34-22-34 said. "Remember, we're not out to break any jaws here, okay?"
"Quiet, you're embarrassing us!" 34-26-36 snapped.
"Brave warriors of the Tendo clan," Ushio greeted, "and though you are my opponents today, I can indeed call you brave, for to come here to my arena and face my fine students requires nerves of an ox and the strength of steel!"
"We've come!" Soun shouted, "And we will destroy you! My students will make your students look like utter fools! Incidentally, you made mention of a giant check . . ." Soun said.
"There's no giant check." Ushio said.
"A small one then." Soun shrugged.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ushio insisted.
"So you're trying to tell me, in front of all these people that you're going back on the check?" Nabiki spoke up. "I see you don't really believe in your student's ability to win"
"Hah! Of course I think my students will win!" Ushio cried.
"Then the check . . ." Nabiki trailed off.
"Uh . . . the check . . . will fifty thousand yen be enough?"
"Men must ask you that a lot, huh?" Ranma sneered, Nabiki ignored him.
"Try five hundred thousand." Nabiki said. "Unless of course you think your students will flop."
"Hah! As I've already told your honorable father, each of my students is a veritable hyena!
"Well bring on the laughing hunchbacks," Soun cried, "for each one of my students has the strength of a panda, and is just as ferocious!"
"Pandas aren't ferocious!" Ushio cried.
"Try sleeping with one's wife, and you'll see how ferocious they can get!" Soun cried.
"It's true." Genma nodded.
Ushio gave them a weird look. "I don't think I would ever sleep with a panda, regardless of her marital status"
Ranma felt a little deflated by the stupidity of the three men, it was as if just listening to their conversation was lowering his intelligence.
He didn't say this out loud because it would have been rude, and Nabiki was still in ear shot so she could be expected to make a comment about his intelligence already being very low.
He didn't need that, not in front of these crowds.
Wait . . . what crowds?
"Where are all the spectators?" Ranma asked.
"We don't need spectators, we've got a cooler full of beer!" Ushio said, "Root beer for the underage"
"What does beer have to do with spectators?" Kasumi asked.
"Well if there were spectators we'd have to share the beer!. Nobody shows up for B.Y.O.B. tournaments!" Ushio shrugged.
"I've come!" Yoshimi cried as she burst through the doors.
"I stand corrected." Ushio admitted. "But you look underage miss."
"Oh I'm not too late am I Bubblegum? You haven't won yet have you?" Yoshimi of course.
"Uh . . . yeah, you're late. Go home." Ryoga said. He glared at Ranma, but Ranma just shrugged.
"I didn't invite her!" He said.
"Oh silly! Nobody invited me! But I did invite the entire city!" Yoshimi cried, and in after her swarmed the citizens of Nerima, and they had indeed brought their own beer.
"Ryoga . . . your new fiancee scares me." Ranma whispered. Ryoga nodded.
"Uh . . . now we haven't got enough seats." Ushio said.
"Very well!" Yoshimi said, "This tournament is now sponsored by the Harume clan, my ninja slaves-er servants will prepare everything!"
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Soun frowned.
"Well . . . I guess, while you're all doing that, our fighters will change into their uniforms!" Ushio cried.
"Yea-wha?" Soun began with a cheer, but ended in a question.
"You know, your school uniforms? You're not just going to wear those . . . regular cloths, are you?" Ushio raised his eyebrows.
"Erm . . . no." Soun licked his lips. He walked over to Ryoga and tore his bandanna off.
"Hey!" Ryoga cried.
Soun tore off another, and another, and another. "All right, tie these around your heads!" He instructed Ukyo, Akane, Ranma and Tofu. He then looked back at Ushio and smirked, "Hah! Uniforms"
"You could have asked." Ryoga grumbled.
The Koruda students marched off to their individual dressing rooms, and Ranma surveyed the crowd.
He could see his friends from school, even Akane's friends-one of them had gotten pregnant-he could see some of the black ninjas that used to work for Azusa now sitting amongst the crowd holding up "Go Koruda" signs, or conversing with the pink ninjas.
She really had invited the whole city! Why, there was Kuno trying to politely shove his way through the crowd to Ranma!
And as Ranma tried to avert his gaze from Kuno, for the briefest of moments he thought he saw someone else he knew and would rather not, but it was only a flash, a glimpse.
Regardless, for an instant he could have sworn he'd seen that fan toting psychopath.
Shampoo had spent the better part of the afternoon following a trail of people who'd mostly said, "Llama/skinny girl went that way" and it had led her right back to the Tendo house.
She had not expected to find anything here, but she was surprised to see that Ranma had left for the tournament Kasumi had mentioned earlier. Shampoo decided to do a quick search of the premises then invite herself to the tournament where she'd probably set up some trip wires to foil Ranma's competition.
When she walked out into the Tendo family's back yard she saw the patches of torn up ground where Mercedes had buried Akane's cookies, but she looked around and saw nothing else.
And then a hand popped up from under the ground and grabbed her ankle. If such a thing happened to you or me we might scream, leapt ten feet into the air, and cry for help. However Shampoo was different.
She was slightly insane, so instead she yanked her leg free, then stomped on the undead hand. Another one emerged now and grabbed Shampoo's other leg, the one she'd stomped on grabbed the leg she was using for her attack, and both hands pulled her down towards that unholy fiery inferno of a kingdom she'd heard described in ancient texts!
The village of the mole people.
Now she started to scream, until Lotion pulled herself out of the ground. Then it was a good thing that Shampoo's legs were both being held firmly, or she'd have started kicking the assassin in the head.
"Thank you, I was underground for a few hours." Lotion sighed.
"You should have suffocated!" Shampoo cried.
"Yes, probably." Lotion nodded, then her mood changed quite suddenly, "Ryoga! Ranma!" She almost screamed! "Where are they?"
"What you want with Ranma?" Shampoo scoffed.
"Take me to Ranma quickly," Lotion explained, "or he's a dead man!"
Ryoga felt a bit nervous, there were so many people. And the Koruda had set up five large screens in a pentagon in the center of the dojo, which meant every time he got hit or failed to hit someone else it would show on those screens and everyone would know he'd failed.
'Well this is a fine mess you've gotten yourself into, Hibiki.' Ryoga said to himself. 'Ready to humiliate yourself? Ready to lose?' "I wont lose." He told himself.
"That's right." Nabiki said, putting her hands on his shoulders, "I have complete faith in you, my love!"
"Right . . ." Ryoga licked his lips nervously. She'd been ignoring him until now . . . why was she-
"Remember to duck, dodge, lunge, and whatever the heck it is that you do. Just try to make it to the finals." Nabiki said, massaging his shoulders.
Well that explained it. "You made a bet, didn't you?" Ryoga sighed.
"Cant blame a girl for trying to make a little cash." Nabiki said innocently.
"Why not bet on Ranma?" Ryoga scoffed.
"Yeah, why not bet on the bread winner?" Ranma asked.
"Beat it!" Ryoga commanded, shoving Ranma away.
"I bet on you out of love and caring . . . and they're offering ten to one odds you don't make it to the semi finals"
'Ten to one? Maybe I am weak!' Ryoga thought bitterly to himself. "I want fifty percent." He said.
"Ten and be grateful." Nabiki scoffed.
"Sixty, or I throw it right before the finals."
"I know you better than that." Nabiki scoffed again. But after a pause she said, "Twenty percent because I like you. But don't ask for any more or I'll spend your whole cut on gifts from you to me anyway."
"All right, deal." Ryoga nodded, Nabiki kissed him on the cheek and disappeared. He sort of hoped he could make it to the finals, be champion even not just so she could win her bet, but so she could be proud of him, and so he could prove to himself that he was not becoming weak.
Ukyo interrupted his thoughts when she punched him in the shoulder. Hard.
"What was that for?" Ryoga demanded. It hadn't hurt, not really, but still he could tell it'd been meant to.
"Sorry, just thought all that mushy stuff might soften you up! You've got to snap out of it and focus!" Ukyo gave him a friendlier punch in the shoulder. She was quiet for a moment, then added, "I mean she'll be mad at you when I beat you down in the semi-finals anyway, so don't go getting your hopes up."
"She's already mad at me." Ryoga grumbled, Ukyo looked at him like she was about to ask why when suddenly a loud voice boomed through the arena!
"Prepare for the ultimate fight! Koruda, Tendo, here and now to decide the more powerful school!" Ushio Koruda's voice boomed through the place. He paused, then added, "Sponsored by Happy Harume Industries!"
The crowd cheered, Ryoga wondered if they had been paid to do so.
"Now, all fighters please approach their squares.
The Koruda fighters all stepped onto one of five red squares painted on the dojo floor.
Ryoga noticed that there was a blue square in front of him, so he headed for it.
He was going in the right direction, but Ranma and Ukyo shoved him onto it anyway.
"Now, if any of you have kidney problems, any heart condition, or are pregnant, please step out of the squares now!"
Nobody moved, though Ranma suspected Sentaro's grandmother should have had a heart condition or something at her age.
"Very good. Now begins the ultimate battle!" Ushio Koruda cried, and suddenly the square Ryoga was standing on fell away from beneath him and he was falling!
Nabiki was surprised to see Ryoga and the others just disappear, apparently Yoshimi was too.
"What is this? Where did they go?" She demanded.
The five big screens came to life and showed a picture of the dojo that looked like it had been drawn on computer by a two year old.
"Now our fighters are enjoying a ride through our complex series of underground tunnels into the labyrinth beneath the school!" Ushio's disembodied voice explained as the picture illustrated ten happy stick figures sliding down twisty curvy tunnels into a little box that said "maze" on it.
"Of all things, it had to be a maze!" Nabiki moaned.
Jun stood patiently near the exit of the chute that his accomplice had come out of, inspecting one of his guns and making sure it would fire properly, that it had enough ammunition, that sort of thing.
"You know . . ." Anzu said nervously, "I don't fell too good about this. This is definitely wrong."
"Then it's a good thing your opinion doesn't matter in this situation." Jun said, placing the gun in it's holster at his chest. "All you do is bring me Saotome."
"No." She said simply. "He never did anything to me . . . well . . . not anything worth killing him over."
"He's not your friend, not family, you barely know him. He's nobody, and if he dies it wont affect your day to day life. Most importantly if you say 'no' to me one more time I'll kill you too, then hunt him down anyway." Jun said.
He didn't like having to threaten Ushio's daughter, though of course he'd kill her without batting an eyelash. Still that didn't necessarily mean that he liked doing it, he hoped Anzu wouldn't resist any further, because if she did . . .
She looked at the ground, as if she would in fact go along with the scheme, but Jun noticed she was tensing her right hand for an attack.
The movement was incredibly slight, a normal person might never have noticed it until it was too late.
Jun was no normal person, he was a master assassin of the Nekekami guild of Japan.
He drew a gun and pressed it against Anzu's forehead. "I suggest you get going. Or you and Saotome wont be the only people they bury, every other unfortunate soul in this maze will join you. Do you really want to be responsible for that"
Anzu glared at him and stepped backwards towards the tunnel that would lead her into the labyrinth.
She'd be mad for a while, he'd make it up to her later. After all, Jun thought, if he was right about Ranma Saotome he would be able to be quite generous towards his friends and family.
If he was right about Ranma Saotome, Jun would be the wealthy new head of the Nekekami guild . . .
Ranma landed flat of his butt in a small stone room. There was a hole in the wall-the one he'd slid out of-and there was a hallway leading out of the room that had big neon letters that read 'this way to the Labyrinth of Doom', in front of him was a little sign that said:
"Welcome to the Koruda Underground Battlefield Labyrinth of Doom! Seek out an opponent and beat the crap out of them, your every move is being monitored by our cameras so that the folks upstairs can enjoy the show. You may leave the labyrinth at any time and surrender your chance to win the tournament simply by saying "Koruda rules and Tendo stools" P.S. Please do not tare down sign for use as a weapon!"
Ranma scratched his head, and from far he faintly heard Ukyo shout 'like heckI wont tare down the sign!' He guessed it was time to find an opponent, so he headed towards the tunnel.
He traveled through the maze, searching for something . . . anything.
But there were no enemies.
None he could find that is . . .
Then suddenly his Ranma Senses (sort of like Spider Senses, only this was designed to be used by people named Ranma) started to tingle, and he looked behind him see a girl!
"34-26-36!" Ranma cried.
"It's Anzu! For the love of Mike, it's Anzu! You think calling me by some numbers is funny or something?" Anzu demanded.
"No, I just seem to remember them."
"You're teasing me, aren't you?" Anzu demanded.
"Naw. I mean, hey, you look like whatever one of those numbers represents the T&A department should be a fifty five!" Ranma said, then thought for a moment, "Or er . . . a fifteen, whichever means it's bigger."
"It's the stupid uniform! It makes my breast look . . . hey wait, T and A? You mean my butt looks big too? Stop it, you're just trying to be mean, it doesn't look-oh my gosh it does!" Anzu moaned as she looked at her butt which really didn't look that big, but she probably had self esteem issues to begin with, having such a forgettable name. "Ugh! That's it, I'm so going to kill you!" She cried.
"I didn't design it!" Ranma protested. "Save the anger for the tailor!"
"No, I'd rather take it out on you!" Anzu snapped. "But not here, follow me, we're going to need more room, this crowded hallway won't do!"
Ranma shrugged and followed Anzu. He agreed, he wanted lots of space for his first fight, and if she felt more room would improve her game, then more power to her.
Literally, he wanted her as powerful as she could get so it wouldn't be a complete snore.
"Doesn't seem fair." He said.
"I know-er what?" Anzu asked.
"Well you seem to know your way around the maze, the rest of us have to find our way." Ranma explained.
Anzu scoffed. "It doesn't matter if I know my way or not, because I don't know where anyone else is and even if I find them I still have to beat them, my only advantage is that I know where the good fighting spots are"
"You could set up an ambush and wait." Ranma pointed out.
"No, that never occurred to me!" Anzu gasped. "I wasn't born yesterday, duh! I just don't want to stay down here any longer than I have to, this maze has existed under our dojo for generations. To be able to call yourself a Koruda you have to know it's secrets . . . plus my father used to throw me down here whenever he wanted to get busy with my mother. He said it would build character, but it just gave me a complex . . . I'm not sure when he installed the neon letters, and the cameras and all that though . . ." Anzu admitted.
"My dad used to throw me into a pit full of starving cats with fish sausages tied 'round my body like unbreakable chains of torment when I was a little boy." Ranma said to make conversation. "It was supposed to make me stronger, but to make a long story short my dad's a moron and it was a fake training method. I guess ya could say it gave me a complex too"
He knew it was supposed to be one of his most jealously guarded secrets, but he figured there was no way this girl was getting a cat down here, and it wasn't like he'd mentioned that he was afraid of them anyway.
Plus he'd just proven that his childhood was worse than hers, it was a competition and he won! Hah! He won everything!
"Cant believe no one noticed a giant underground maze before though." Ranma said.
"The city council was probably aware of it when it was constructed." Anzu said.
"I cant believe they'd agree t'let you Korudas have a large underground facility like this, if it caves in the whole city's gonna collapse."
"We have a permit." Anzu said simply. Somehow Ranma doubted that.
"Didn't know they handed out permits for this sort of thing. Kinda creepy, really." Ranma sighed.
"I . . . I'm really sorry about this." Anzu said.
"Whazzat?" Ranma asked, but without another word the girl bolted off down the path. Ranma followed after her, but all too soon he came to a dead end.
Where was he? Where had she gone?
Had this been a trick? Yes, of course! She'd wanted to get him lost so he'd stay out of the fight and she could beat everyone else!
No, that made no sense because eventually she'd have to come back for him and he'd be full of energy while she'd probably be tired.
It had to be something else.
"Greetings." An unfamiliar voice called from behind him. "A pleasure to meet you in person, Ranma Saotome. Such a pleasure."
Ranma turned around to see a man standing behind him. He was perhaps middle aged, handsome, and he looked almost friendly. He wore a white Nehru jacket with gold rings that sort of reminded Ranma of Lotion's gold and silver anklets.
"You know me, and I'm not surprised, I'm really popular. But who're you?" Ranma asked.
The man smiled, "I am Jun. Master of martial arts . . . and so much more."
"You must be that tough guy Anzu was talkin' about!" Ranma said excitedly.
Jun nodded. "Lo-Chun told me you pride yourself at having never lost any competition with the words "martial arts" in the title. I also pride myself in that regard. Should we see which of us is better?"
"You know Lotion?" Ranma scoffed. "Yer the second person to show up in as many days, bring up that skinny motor mouth and want to fight me!"
"You should be grateful, if not for Han I would never have found out about you." Jun said. "If I hadn't sent Maro after you, I might have wasted my time going after Hibiki, when obviously you're the one I want."
"You sent that freak after me'n Ryoga?" Ranma demanded. So this guy was responsible for Akane and Ryoga getting hurt? As if the challenge alone hadn't been enough reason to take him on.
"I had to test you. Ryoga failed, but you, Ranma Saotome . . . show some promise. Allow me to help you to be all that you can be, may I?"
Before Ranma could answer, Jun launched into a series of offensive routines, he didn't seem at all hindered by his Nehru jacket, and he had Ranma's back to a wall.
Their hands became blurs, Jun was fast. Not nearly as fast as Ranma, but fast.
Ranma managed to deflect every blow thanks to his superior speed, but there wasn't enough time to launch an attack of his own. He waited for an opening . . .
He saw it, and his fist shot forward for Jun's chest, ready to knock him into next Tuesday!
Just ten blows. Ranma could land a hundred blows in one second when he set his mind to it, but since Jun might not be as tough as Ryoga he'd just do ten.
Jun caught his hand before he landed the first, and twisted it around behind Ranma's back, Ranma brought his leg up to kick the older man in the face, but instead Jun moved to the left side and let Ranma flip, then kicked him in the chest and sent him sprawling.
Ranma heard a click, and turned his head to look at Jun.
He was holding a gun. "That's not fair." Ranma pointed out.
Jun smiled. "Lesson number one: life's never fair."
"So yer gonna shoot me?"
"If you don't stop me, yes." The gunman smiled.
"Talk about a sore loser." Ranma scoffed.
"Loser? I was sporting with you. I've put better men than you in their graves, and I've been doing it since before you were born." Jun said.
Ranma glared into his enemy's eyes, and felt no fear or helplessness, just disbelief. A gun? A gun! What the heck, who did this guy think he was bringing a gun to a martial arts tournament?
After the disbelief wore off outrage sunk in! Who did this guy think he was? "Yer goin' down!" Ranma shouted and swept his legs out, knocking Jun off his, Ranma did not have a great deal of room to roll to his feet and punch Jun in the face a couple of times-it wasn't exactly martial arts anyway-so he threw his legs backwards and flipped himself onto his feet instead.
Jun was up, and he leapt back against the wall and raised his arm to fire the gun.
Ranma was moving before the trigger was even pulled, lunging forward and knocking the gun out of his opponent's hands, he went further, slamming Jun's back against the wall.
He felt a knee lodge itself in his stomach, he struck Jun in the chest, and then leapt back, sizing up his enemy.
The older fighter didn't seem terribly hurt, but then again neither was Ranma. "You're not terrible." Jun admitted. "I've faced better. Not many, but I have faced better."
"It's still early into the fight," Ranma grinned, "I've got plenty of time to show you, there ain't nobody better!"
Jun rubbed his hands together and then cracked his knuckles. "I certainly hope so, Saotome. Because I'm afraid I've already bet both our lives on it."
Ranma raised his eyebrows in question, but Jun just lunged forward for another attack!
To Be Continued . . .
Next Time . . . The tournament continues, and it's Ryoga against Mousse next time, which one will prevail? Prepare to behold Dr. Tofu's ultimate Tofu Strike attack! Lotion and Shampoo will try to save Ranma from Jun, but will Ranma want to be saved? The Original Character cast will suffer it's first casualty, but who's it going to be? (Probably not who you think) What did Nabiki and Ryoga talk about when Nabiki got them their own room? (And yes, all they did was talk) Will it be of any use to her when Maro shows up to kidnap her? Why is Yoshimi's plan starting to fall apart? Find out next time in . . . Throwing Down the Gauntlet!
And in the end . . .
Chrissy: This is Chrissy! You may remember me from such movies as, "Chrissy Does Texas", "Chrissy Goes Down on Manhattan", "Visiting Chrissy's Naughty Place", "Return to Chrissy's Naughty Place", "Chrissy Meats Sissy", "Chrissy Meats Sissy II: The Revenge", and "Chrissy Meats Sissy III: Now it's Personal!" (note that the word 'meat' is not is typo, we are however, unsure as to why it is used in this way as none of these movies involved actual meat) anyway I'd like to say that I have NO problems sleeping at night, or living with myself! Of course I don't have to live with myself, I'm a fictional character, and all those movies don't exist in real life (too bad for you). All the same if I were real I'd point out that being a porn star is not as terrible as those moral type people try to make it out to be. We have about as much sex in one week of shooting as your teenage daughter after one weekend of partying, maybe even less. But unlike her we always use protection, and we get paid for damning our immortal souls. So please, don't pity me because I love my-uh . . . uh . . . boohoohoo! I'm such a whore! Get me a priest, a rabbi and a bucket of fried chicken! Oh someone call my mother and tell her she was right I-I mean I love being an actress! I'd tell you to just look at how happy I am, but I'm not a real person so you can't. But yeah . . . buy porn, just don't call it that because we in the industry find that word insulting, our work is called "exotic media"!
GrimmZ: Nobody calls it "exotic media", you idiot. All right, you know I am GrimmZ, you probably remember me from . . . well the story you just read? Otherwise there's absolutely no reason you should know me, or care. Okay, here's the skinny, Chrissy had to have her say or she swore she'd sue me for slandering her and her profession . . . how she'd accomplish this, being a figment of my imagination, trapped in my incredibly moral brain and all was beyond me, but who wants to take chances? However no matter how many times I tell them to stop, I know young impressionable minds read this story and couldn't let them think I supported Chrissy's beautiful, magnificent-er I mean utterly disgusting filth. Even though I'm the one who made it all up . . . wow I'm really dumb! Don't agree with me on that, just don't buy porn! It's immoral y'know!
These messages brought to you by people who don't really care whether you buy porn or not, but who do get off on wasting sixty seconds of your life forcing you to read their totally unfunny stuff. Thank you.
