Okay, here's what's been going on in my mind as I've written the past few chapters. Originally, one of the three in the accident was going to die, and I had settled on Grace. Then I realized how horrible and tragic that would be, and decided it would be Meredith. But after everything she's done and gone through on the show, you can't kill her off yourself because she is a part of you. So that left Izzie… but I am extremely fond of Izzie's flexible character, because she makes writing plots pretty simple. And that left me with no one dead. And if I can't kill them, something bad is going to happen to at least one of them eventually. Something tragic and unexpected and unhappy and it will kill me, but you've been warned—it's out there! Oh, and also, I realize I've been leaving people out of the chapters without really thinking about it. So I'm trying to change that…
Derek nodded at the rest of the group, and they slowly left after saying goodbye. "Listen, Mer, there's something we haven't told you yet. About your condition…"
"What is it? It can't get much worse than what it is now…" and she stopped, realizing something but ignoring it. That was about as easy to accomplish as ignoring an elephant standing on your toe.
"There was damage to your spinal cord, and until you're stable enough for us to operate, you won't be able to move your legs. Unfortunately, the longer we wait, the greater the chance for permanent paralysis, and if we go in too soon, you won't make it. You know the risks, I know… but the nerves kicked in and I went into default. Do you want to talk about it?"
Meredith shook her head. "Can Grace or Izzie come see me, since it's quite obvious I won't exactly be able to see them?"
"Grace still hasn't had her surgery yet, it'll be done tomorrow, and if she's up for it I don't see why she can't visit you in two days. Izzie is on bed rest and is being supervised constantly because she is foolish and stubborn, and likes to believe it's okay to lie to her physician about her dizziness while being elevated…" he stopped and looked at Meredith, who was trying to hide her laughter. "What's so funny?"
"You're nervous again. Your cheeks are flushed, and you're babbling like an idiot… why are you so nervous?"
He wanted to tell her, he did. He wanted to say that for the first time in over 15 years, he didn't look at Grace and see Addison, and that for the first time in 15 years he wanted to be with someone and didn't feel like he was cheating on his wife. The accident had scared him, and shocked him back to reality. Yes, he would always love Addison. But she wouldn't want him to be lonely forever. One day, Grace was going to grow up, move away, and start her own family. And yes, he'd have this extended family that had formed through Grace and the hospital… but they'd go home at night, and he'd be alone. But stronger than his fear of being alone was his desire to be with her again. He'd thought about it before, but didn't want to do anything that would negatively affect Grace's perception of either of them. He had loved her for over seventeen years; seeing her at the hospital he could push away that jumping feeling of his heart, but when she came to the house, and when she was so good with his daughter… he saw another chance to say it all slipping away. Was now the time? No, of course not… she'd just found out she may be permanently paralyzed.
He took a deep breath, "Meredith, I can't do this right now. There's too much going on and there's not enough time or energy or happiness to fix everything that's wrong. Maybe I waited too long. Maybe it's not supposed to be…"
"What are you talking about Derek? I'm not sure I'm following you, and if I am… you need to explain what's going on right now, because I can't take this right now."
"Exactly! You can't take this right now. And I can't either. This is too much; it's too hard. I have to go, I have to check up on Izzie and talk to Grace's doctor…" and with that, Derek turned and left the room. He kept his brave face on until the elevator doors closed. He paused for a second before hitting the stop button and crying.
Grace awoke with a smile, from a really good dream. She'd been to a party, and it had felt like hers. There was a cake in the fridge, one of Izzie's famous layered "Neapolitan" cakes—strawberry filling in between vanilla cake layers with chocolate frosting. There were mountains of presents, all brightly wrapped and visually appealing. She never got to open them, but she knew they were what she wanted. They laughed and celebrated another year. And her mother had been there. She had never known her, but when she saw her in the dream she knew. She hadn't looked like herself—Grace had seen the pictures, kept in the shrine her father had dedicated to her and to their marriage. But the mom in her dream, she was happy. She'd had short hair, but was still red, and it was wavy. She was gorgeous, but very pale. She made Grace feel peaceful—it was an alien feeling. She was happy, yes. But hidden inside of her was a turmoil she'd never expressed, not even to herself. She loved her life, and her family. However, her mother was missing from that picture, and she knew that half of her was lost with her. Sure, she could hear all about her mother's family from her father, and from the few biological relatives that were alive and bothered to call her.
She didn't realize someone had been sitting with her as she thought about those things. Her Aunt Cristina watched her expressions change as she stared at the ceiling. "It's good to see you, Gracie. How was your little nap?"
"It was… okay. What's up?" Grace shimmied gently into a semi-upright position with a groan. Her legs ached, but she refused the morphine drip. She was surprised the nurses hadn't told her doctor… or her father.
"It's Meredith. There's something we haven't told you yet, that we've been waiting to tell you until she woke up…"
"Wait," Grace interjected, "Aunt Mer woke up? Can I see her?"
"Yes, earlier today. We got the page that she'd woken up just after you wanted to nap, and we didn't want to wake you. Here's the latest news… Aunt Mer might not be able to walk again sweetie…"
"You mean she might be paralyzed? Forever?"
"It depends, really. If in the next few days she stabilizes enough to operate, she should be fine. There are risks with the surgery, as you know. Without the surgery, she'll be permanently paralyzed. If they try to go in too early, she could die. She's got a good team watching over her, keeping an eye on her vitals to ensure we don't wait too long or go in too soon."
Grace rested her eyes. Something wasn't right. What was it? "Aunt Cristina…"
"What is it sweetheart? Grace?" Cristina heard the machines ring, a familiar sound she'd hoped to not hear in that room. Her heart was dropping; her brain pressure increasing… they'd missed something, but what? "Somebody help! Code Blue!"
"But there's a chance she'll be fine? I mean, she could walk again?" Izzie whispered as she grasped George's hand.
"There's a chance. The best thing we can do right now is think positively—it's not what we're used to as doctors, really, to hope for the best. She's out best friend, though, and a part of me is sure that she's going to pull through this. Her best chance rests on her stability, so the faster she's stable, the better the outcome. She wants to see you, she asked about you and Grace. I told her I'd try to get Bailey to let you up there in a few hours, but I don't think she's going to okay that with your stunt…"
"I made a mistake, but honestly I'm fine! I swear!"
"You said you were fine before, too. It's like you're the boy who cried wolf… except you're the woman who cried well…"
"Oh you're so funny, Georgie. Just go talk to Bailey will you? I have to get out of this room, and if she doesn't clear me I will do it myself."
"Like hell you will! Don't make me stay here, day in and day out, until Bailey releases you. Because eventually we'll both get sick of that, and you'll end up hating me and resenting me…"
"I could never hate you, George, don't be ridiculous!" Izzie held her breath, wondering how that sounded on his end. If it had sounded as desperate for the truth as she'd felt when she'd said it. Something changed in her, when she saw him after the accident. Like fate finally stepped in and showed her what she'd been refusing to acknowledge for so long—She was in love with her best friend. She was terrified and exhilarated by that one thought. She could see herself marrying him, and loving him forever… having his children and making a life with him. But did he see it?
"George, there's something I need to tell you… and I don't think it can wait any longer…"
"What is it?"
Burke burst into the room, "Grace just coded, I need you to find Derek NOW!"
George looked at Izzie with a fleeting glance before she shouted, "GO damn it, and come back when you know anything…"
Bailey walked in shortly after; "Listen, as much as I don't want to do this, we need you in Meredith's room. She just found out about Grace, and her vitals are all over the place. I know you're stable now and as much as I want to keep you bed-ridden as a punishment, I need you up there to keep her calm while everyone else is down with Grace. So you're officially on release, but if you feel even a twitch in your eye, you better say something, are we clear?"
"Thank you, Dr. Bailey..."
"Don't thank me. Thank George. That boy is so head over heals in love with you he can barely speak..." Bailey froze, before turning around to leave.
"Wait, What!"
"You heard me... stop stalling and get your ass up to Grey's room!"
Izzie's head reeled with the idea that it could all work out... and then her optimism was shattered when she realized two people she loved as family were seriously damaged, and it was all her fault.
