"It's
tragic," she says to me.A song in the air, we're together
floating.
What I miss everyday since our goodbye
was enough for
me to realize.
Oh, I'm waiting for the breakdown.Well,
nothing feels good being under the gun.
Oh, I'm waiting for the
breakdown.
Is it ever gonna come
Breakdown
By June, Luke thought that perhaps his life was finally starting to settle down.
Since the moment that April first walked into the diner he had this feeling that he was being hung upside down and shaken. Nothing made sense anymore, not after that day. He guesses that is why it took so long to tell Lorelai. Saying it, would have made it real and at the time he'd have done anything to make it go away.
From the moment the words 'will you marry me' left Lorelai's lips he wanted nothing more that to do just that. Even after April, all he wanted was for her to be his forever.
The DNA test was now done, and it was official, April was his. The moments he sat waiting for the doctor to tell him the results were strange ones for him. He loved having April around, he really did enjoy the whole being a dad thing, but deep inside of him he wondered that if maybe she wasn't things would be better. He fought those feelings back, but he still wondered. When the doctor finally confirmed his paternity he shook the man's hand and took the paperwork he was handed to give to his lawyer. He stood up, thanked Anna for her cooperation and went into the hall to tell April. April really didn't seem all that surprised; she of course had thought it ridiculous that they were even asking for another one since hers was, in her mind, flawless.
Tonight, he sits in his chair and finally lets his thoughts come to the surface. He felt guilty for them. April was a great kid, his kid, so why had he even thought about not wanting to her to be. He knew the answer to that really. It was Lorelai. Thinking back he knew he had never thought about children until her. It started even before they became the good friends that they were, even before she was out of her 'Duke' stage.
He would stand there and watch her with Rory. He would see them together and his mind would wander and he'd see himself with them. She would kiss him and Rory would hug him and they would be a family. He'd shake his head and continue his annoyed with her routine.
Some years ago, at the dance marathon, he remembers vaguely telling her that kids probably wouldn't be so bad with the right person, all the while thinking that maybe she could be the right person.
And shortly before they got together, in the kitchen of the Dragonfly, he remembers their words to each other, 'at least you got married', 'at least you had a kid'. And after they had kissed on the front porch of the Dragonfly and she had called to tell him that it was something she didn't want to forget he thought about those words and vowed to himself that they'd give each other these things.
April's presence in his life made him break the vow. He didn't hate her for that, he couldn't, she was his child, but he did still blame himself for ruining that perfect scenario he had for Lorelai and himself.
Even now, with things going so great for him and April, he thinks of what it would be like for him, for him and Lorelai, if she had never come into their lives. A part of him thinks that they would have continued on, tomorrow is the third and tonight could have been the night before his wedding.
He finally goes to sleep and then is awakened by a ringing phone. He ignores it until the answering machine finally picks it up and a familiar voice is heard.
"Luke? Hey! I know I know… it's very late there; actually it's probably very early, either way I should NOT be calling you at this hour. I know that and I'm sorry, I just… needed to talk to you. It's June 3rd and I needed…" As soon as she says June 3rd he jumps out of bed and runs for the telephone, he stubs his toe and shouts out a few expletives before addressing her.
"Lorelai? Lorelai? Are you still there?" He shouts into the phone hoping he hasn't lost her call.
"Yeah. Hey… Hi!"
"Hey…. How are you?"
"I'm good. You?"
"Good."
"Great. Uhm, how are things? April? The weather? Kirk?"
"Great. April's fine, breathing. The weather is… hot. And Kirk… is… well he's Kirk."
"Glad to hear that hasn't changed."
"You thought it would?" She laughs, but it seems very uncomfortable to him.
"No." There is a silence then and if he didn't hear the softness of her breathing he'd probably think she had hung up.
"Lorelai…?"
"Yeah?"
"You called…?"
"Yeah, I know I shouldn't have. I mean you were probably asleep and it's so early for you and oh man, you probably have a bread delivery and a long day tomorrow. Luke, I am so sorry. I'm just going to hang up now."
"NO! Its okay, I don't have a delivery this morning. It's okay that you called. I'm glad you called… I miss your voice." She laughs again and this time it seems more like her.
"Yeah, I am so sure you miss my incessant babbling."
"Oh… but I do. Really, I haven't had a good conversation on the merits of the 5-lb burger in weeks."
"It'd be very filling you know. I bet you'd get a lot more orders for it than you think."
"It'd take two hours to cook and I don't think even you could finish it."
"Oh, the bottomless pit that is my stomach astounds all, my friend."
"Yes, including the medical community."
"Ha-ha." She is silent for a moment, "Luke… it's June 3rd."
"I know."
"It's June 3rd and I know I probably don't even have the right to be calling you right now but today was supposed to be our wedding day. It may have only been for two seconds but it was and I just… needed to talk to you."
"I know. Believe me; I've been dreading today all week. I know what today means, I know what it meant to you. And not just what it meant to you, it meant a lot to me too. I know that you didn't think that, but it did."
"I know. I know it did. I am so sorry, for thinking that it didn't. I've been thinking a lot and I know that I wasn't fair to you. You said eloping was okay, but I couldn't even wait until the summer like you said. I'm sorry I pushed you."
"You don't have to apologize, I'm sorry I said I couldn't."
"No, you're not." He furrows his brow and breaths deeply.
"Lorelai… I…"
"No, Luke. You aren't sorry you said you couldn't that night and you shouldn't be. I see it now. Your fiancée avoids you for days and then ambushes you all crazy and tells you that tonight's the night you have to get married. You shouldn't be sorry for saying no and trying to calm me down. It wasn't right of me. I should have talked to you. It was stupid and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened that night."
"Lorelai, I think that I get it. You wanted it so bad and it didn't seem like I did too even though I can guarantee you that I did. I wasn't really talking either and I know now what Anna said to you and she was wrong and I know that it probably threw you but… that's all taken care of now, or at least it will be taken care of."
"What are you talking about?" He smiles a little, he thinks she'll be proud of him for finally taking steps in the right direction.
"I uh… got a lawyer and an official DNA test. She's mine and we have this mediation next week and… my lawyer, he thinks that I'll get everything I want, that because of everything that's happened I've got a good chance of it. Actually, he thinks we might not even have to go to court, which would be great. If Anna and I and the lawyers can you know hash out a plan together, we won't need to. So far she's been cooperating. My guy says it's probably because she knows that I'd have good reason for joint custody if I wanted it."
"And you don't?"
"No. I don't want to change everything for her. No one week there another here. I just want to have a say in her life and to be able to see her when I want to and not have to stick to Anna's crazy rules."
"That's good Luke, really good. I'm happy for you. You didn't deserve that; she shouldn't have done that to you. I can see it, you are a great dad."
"I don't know about that, but I'm trying."
"And that's good Luke, April is so lucky to have you trying so hard for her."
"It's not just for her." He sighs and knows it's the truth.
"What do you mean?"
"I know I didn't want you to be in it at first and I see how that was pretty stupid but it wasn't just about her liking you more. I wanted you to see that I could do it, I wanted you to see I could be a good and responsible dad."
"Why?"
"You know why, don't think that I changed my mind about 'the kids' just because April came around."
"But I could have helped you…"
"I didn't WANT you to, Lorelai! I needed to do it on my own. I already know you're a good mom, the best. I was the one who screwed Jess up…"
"NO! Don't think that, you didn't screw him up. You told me, you told me how good he is doing now and how proud of him you are. Luke, you are the reason that kid is going to go places now. He was so messed up when he came to you. I know I have never been his biggest fan, but I also know that he only got better by being around you. And you didn't need to show me you'd be a good dad. I knew. I knew, after you said you wanted kids that you'd be a great dad."
"I just thought… Anna didn't think that I'd… be a good dad. I never wanted you to think that."
"She was wrong Luke. She was wrong not to tell you, know matter how you'd react."
"I know that now. I mean, I know you'd never have done that."
"Not exactly, I never would have hid a kid from you but I know what it's like to think you'd have reacted badly."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I thought I was pregnant."
"What… when did you…?"
"After that party in New York, you know the one for the article about the Dragonfly. We were a little… uhm… 'Primordial' that night and things, well thing, were forgotten. And I realized that and then Sookie was giving birth and I was eating apples and I thought, for like two seconds that maybe… and I wasn't happy about that idea. I thought that maybe you'd leave. I know how wrong I was about that now, but at the time it seemed like it would be the last thing you'd want. I guess that was just me, not paying attention."
"You could have told me."
"It was over before it began. I mean, literally I thought for a few hours that I was."
"You still could have told me, after it was over. We could have talked about kids. Would you have… if you thought I wanted them then… would you have wanted to be pregnant?"
"Oh, Luke, I don't know. This was around the time of the whole Durham Group thing and we had just gotten back together. I don't know, it might have been nice. I just… when I thought about having another kid, and it wasn't that often, I always thought I'd be married."
"After I said I wanted them. After we got engaged… did you really think kids would be good? Did you really want one with me?"
"Yes."
"Weeks before you weren't sure, but all of a sudden you were?"
"It's hard to explain."
"Humor me." He could hear her sigh on the other and though their conversation had gotten serious he thought for a moment she would hang up.
"That night, before I came to you wanting to elope, I sat in a car in my parent's driveway talking to a psychologist. She was actually a woman my mother invited as a blind date for Christopher, shocking I know. We sat there talking, about my life, about you, about what had been going on. And I told her, you were the only man I had ever loved. I told her I wanted another kid. And that surprised me. I'd never really thought it was something I truly wanted. But when I said it, I knew it was true. She said some other stuff about needing to go for what I wanted and if I didn't get it that maybe it wasn't meant to be. And now, I am definitely thinking that was some very bad advice. I should have checked her credentials. But I think what sent me to you that night was the fact that I wanted another kid. I'm not getting any younger. And it's something I really wanted. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have your baby."
"Is that what sent you to Christopher too?" He regretted it the moment he said it, but that didn't change his curiosity at the answer.
"No. If I had another kid, I'd only want it to be yours. I'm not sure why I went there. I'm not sure I can understand it myself so it'd be hard to explain it to you. I just, I was lost. I thought you didn't want me anymore. I hope that you can forgive me, I know that you said you still love me and that we could have a chance to work it out but I do hope you forgive me. As it is, I don't know if I can ever forgive myself." The sound of her soft crying is like a knife through his heart. He never likes hearing her cry.
"And that's the important part. Don't worry about me forgiving you. I think I can, I may have already. Just, when you come back… I want you to know. I want you to really know what you want and I want you to know that you deserve what you want too. I don't like you unhappy, Lorelai."
"I know. Look, it's really late and I've really liked talking to you. You don't know what it means to me that you picked up."
"I think I do, probably means the same as you calling does to me."
"I love you. Maybe it's too soon for you to hear that from me, but I need to say it."
"Lorelai… I love you too."
"Bye." The phone softly clicks and he looks at it for a moment before returning it to its cradle.
"Goodbye, Lorelai."
On Father's Day, after he has spent the day with April, he thinks about the conversation he had with Lorelai on the third. She hadn't called again since then and he spends his nights wishing she would. Normally he is a very heavy sleeper but these days he sleeps so lightly he could be woken by a pin drop, but a ringing telephone would do.
He wants to talk to her again. He misses her, misses her voice, her laugh. So he does the only thing he can think of and calls Rory to get her number. Rory is reluctant, but he assures her that he just wants to talk to her like they did on the third. She is surprised to hear that they had talked, apparently that is not something that Lorelai had shared with her daughter. She gives him the number and before she hangs up she wishes him a happy Father's Day and a good luck.
He dials the number, an entirely too long one in his mind, and then waits for her voice to come over the other line.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
"Hey… how did you…"
"Rory."
"Oh. She and I will have to talk about her giving out my number to strange men."
"I'm a strange man?"
"Wardrobe's a bit of a head scratcher."
"You really need to get off that, you know you like the flannel."
"Oh yes, I do. In fact, I am a little embarrassed to report… you're flannel has come to Italy without you."
"Which one's the traitor?"
"Ol' Blue"
"Ah, I see. Well, tell 'Ol' Blue' he won't be welcomed back by the others after his worldly travels."
"Well, you tell the others that 'Ol' Blue' is having a grand time without them. Besides, he'd rather be here with me and the gentle breeze and salty ocean scent over a musty closet in Stars Hollow."
"How did we get to a point where I go along with you crazily making inanimate objects sound like people?"
"You know you like it, keeps your life interesting."
"Among other things…"
"So… you called me… what's the word bird?"
"Are you pregnant?"
"What?"
"The last time we talked, we discussed kids."
"You can't get me pregnant over the phone, Luke. I thought Stars Hollow was a little backwards but I could have sworn Rory got that talk in 8th grade."
"I know that, I just… you brought it up and I…"
"Luke… No. I'm not pregnant."
"You're sure."
"Positive… Or in this case, extremely NOT positive."
"And you're absolutely sure."
"You'd be pretty grossed out for me to go into detail about how sure I really am."
"Lorelai…" He said exasperated.
"You asked. And I know you don't want to know the inner workings of my… er, inner workings… but there you have it, I am not currently with child. In fact, I haven't been so in nearly 22 years."
"I just, I wanted to make sure. Because of what we had talked about and…"
"…Yesterday was Father's Day."
"That might have had a little to do with my thinking."
"It's okay; you just wanted to make sure you didn't have anyone else that would be coming along for you to celebrate with next year."
"Or anyone else." He thought he had said it softly enough that she wouldn't hear, but he was wrong.
"Right… Or anyone else."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Open, honest communication; I think that is what we should be working on, we kind of suck at it."
"That, I know."
"We didn't always."
"I know. We didn't always."
"What happened?"
"I don't know. Maybe, we were scared. Once we got together, I don't think either one of us wanted to jeopardize it."
"But we did."
"We did. We'll work on that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, we'll work on talking about everything. Our feelings, our day."
"I always liked it when we just sat down and talked about our day. It was the most mundane stuff usually, but it felt good. It felt right…" She didn't really end her sentence, he felt her voice just float away from him like she was remembering something.
"Hey Lorelai…?"
"Yeah?"
"How was your day?" He could almost see her smile and when she spoke he swore to himself he could hear it.
"It was good. Actually, my whole weekend has been pretty good. I went to Cortona… saw that Francis Mayes house. It's really pretty."
"The…Under the Tuscan Sun house?"
"That very one, I've trained you well."
"You made me watch it four times in two days."
"I always felt like Diane Lane and I had a deep connection… kindred spirits."
"You haven't met any Italian Casanova's have you?"
"No… except that one… he told me I was 'Bella, beautiful American'."
"You're Italian accent needs some work."
"I'll ignore that… of course he was about nine… but it was the thought that counts."
"No bohemian American writer's either I take it."
"Eww, no, that guy looked like a putz."
"So, there's definitely no chance of you buying a Tuscan villa?"
"Nope. Stars Hollow is the place to be; crazy living is the life for me."
"Please don't go into a full out song, I beg you."
"Excuse me! I'll have you know my singing is famous."
"For… getting Paul Anka to howl all night long?"
"HEY! Speaking of Paul Anka…"
"He's good."
"You see him everyday?"
"Every single day."
"You go to my house everyday to see him?"
"No…"
"Then how do you see him?" He holds the phone away from him and addresses the lump lying on his bed.
"Mutt, Speak!" The dog gives three loud barks and Luke can hear Lorelai squealing on the other end.
"He's there? You let him stay with you? Softy!"
"Yeah, yeah, he kept Babette up barking all the time."
"No… you're a softy."
"Whatever… I think I should go now."
"Luke… you're too good for me." Her voice is soft and he can't believe she even thinks that.
"No… I'd like to think I'm just right for you..."
"That might just be it."
