*Trigger warning*This story has a lot of angst, especially at the beginning, so Rose has some dark thoughts. Just please be aware. Most are in chapter 3.
I do not own the Vampire Academy world or any of the characters. All rights go to Richelle Mead. Only the plot is my own.
Having a big writer's block so I decided to sit down and just write whatever came to me, which turned out to be this. I wrote it in two days and it really did the trick. I have always been obsessed with soulmate fics and so I gave in and finally wrote my own.
It's got a lot of angst because I guess I was just really feeling it.
I haven't got a beta to do my edits on this one, so I do apologise for mistakes and such.
Part 1
Everyone has a soulmate.
Sometimes you found them, and sometimes you didn't.
No one knew why it happened to Morois and dhampirs, but never humans. Once you reach the age of eighteen, you can feel the pull when you meet your soulmate.
Morois have always made a huge deal of it, holding the finding of their Moroi soulmate precious and something to be celebrated. But dhampirs often ignored theirs, some refusing to look.
There have been fairytale stories of a Moroi and dhampir soulmates staying together and living happily, even less of two dhampirs being together. As depressing as it was, most dhampirs die doing their guardian duties before they can find their soulmate or be together. And then they were frowned upon because they would be unable to have any children.
Most dhampirs end up never finding their soulmate and will settle down with someone that they can have a child with. Dhampir communities were filled with female dhampirs who never found their soulmate or were rejected by the Moroi they were meant to be made for.
I used to hate the idea of it, being made for someone and yet they could choose to reject you. It would hurt when they did; luckily, the less of a relationship you have with them, the less the pain is.
But regardless, I never liked the idea of being so tied to another person that they could have such a hold over me, be able to feel my emotions and thoughts. It was all an invasion of privacy. My privacy.
It was too much power to give another person.
Granted, that was all before.
Before, I had been bonded with Lissa and could do everything I hated that the soulmate bond could do. And before I had met Dimitri.
Dimitri Belikov .
Six foot, seven inches, of just pure Russian god. Before I met him, I never wanted to experience love, let alone dream of my soulmate.
Lissa often had. Imagining the day she turns eighteen and feels that burst of affection for her other half. To feel that shot of electricity that travels through you when you touch. I never wanted any of it.
And then I did fall in love, no matter that I shouldn't have, that it was wrong for so many reasons. But it was also right for so many more. It wasn't until Dimitri that I looked forward to my eighteenth birthday in hopes that he would be my soulmate. There was no chance that he wasn't in my mind, with how quickly and deeply I fell for him. I could read him as easily as he could read me. And the way it felt when he would touch me.
I completely believed he was my meant to be.
Dimitri had yet to find his soulmate, Tasha had wished she was his, but it was clear to see that they weren't made for one another. Telling Dimitri to choose her instead of me had been one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Feeling like a knife was carving into my heart with each word.
And when he chose to stay with me, he healed the hole I felt forming in my heart, filling me with joy, knowing that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
And then we shared that night together in the cabin. I was glad that was my first time, without the pull of the soulmate bond. I knew that he had chosen me for me, as I had him. It was only love between us and no outside forces. It just made the anticipation for my birthday in the coming week all the more nerve-wracking and exciting.
If Dimitri was my soulmate, no one could take him away from me. One of the rules in our society was that you weren't legally allowed to separate a soulmate couple that had formed their bond. Once the bond is formed between them, they could almost feel each other as intensely as I could feel Lissa's feelings; at least, that was what I had been told. Just without all the being pulled into Lissa's mind, and it was a two-way thing for soulmates, rather than just me.
The only person I could ever trust with that much access to my thoughts and feelings would be Dimitri.
But then everything had fallen apart.
The school was attacked. Then I fought for a rescue party to save those taken by the Strigoi. I helped save the lives of others, including one of my best friends, Eddie.
But I lost the man I loved in return.
The day I turned eighteen, I didn't feel different. I didn't get to run to Dimitri and see if I felt the pull of the invisible string that tied us together. Instead, I had withdrawn myself from school and went to hunt down the man I thought was my soulmate to kill him.
Strigoi didn't have soulmates, which made sense, seeing they were soulless creatures. No matter how much he looked like Dimitri, acted like Dimitri, it wasn't him. Staking him had killed a little piece of me.
Dimitri was gone. And I was never going to have him again.
It was a risk from the start, so much riding on a rumour, a story that sounded more like a fairytale—breaking Victor out of prison, letting Dimitri escape in Las Vegas, and then losing Victor and his brother. So much was balancing on the off chance that it had all been worth it, and if it failed, it was all my fault. So many livelihoods were held in my hands, hands that were covered in the blood of those that perished because I wasn't able to kill Dimitri when I had the chance.
And when Lissa succeeded and was able to restore Dimitri to the dhampir he once was, I didn't know how to regret my choice of letting Dimitri live, despite those that died.
Maybe that was why he didn't want to see me.
I wasn't allowed to see him, and Lissa told me to stay away, though it pained her to do so. They didn't understand how hard it was for me to stay away, to not force my way into the cell they held him in. This pull I felt… It was like I had no control of myself.
I had never felt such a need to see someone, the desperation clawing at me. I needed to see Dimitri. Like I needed to breathe, I needed to see his face with my own eyes, to hold him. I put it all down to missing him, the shock my mind was going through at the realisation that he was back. He was alive again.
I scarcely wanted to name what it could be, not wanting to let myself believe that what I had been hoping for was true. No, I couldn't let myself think like that.
Letting myself fall into Lissa's mind, seeing Dimitri through her eyes as she spoke to him wasn't enough. But it helped to ease my desperation while making it much worse at the same time.
"Will you see Rose?"
He grimaced. "Anything but that."
"Dimitri -"
"Please. I'll do anything else for you, but if I see her… it'll hurt too much."
The pain in my chest grew with each word, his denial of seeing me. I had experienced a lot of pain in my life, and yet none of it felt like what his words did to me. My breath catching and my feet stumbling.
I wasn't aware of still being in Lissa's head until I saw her speaking with Christian. That was when I felt her feelings towards him that were so acutely like mine, the ones she had been feeling since her birthday yesterday, when she felt the pull. Christian was her soulmate.
With everything that had happened with the Strigoi attack and then Dimitri, I had forgotten that. I had forgotten that burst of affection she felt towards him, the pull of their own bond. All of it was like what I had for Dimitri currently.
It proved exactly what I was too scared to believe. Dimitri was my soulmate.
And he has demanded that I was not allowed near him.
My knees wanted to buckle under me, but I forced myself to stay strong until I was back in my room, collapsing on my bed as I released all the pain and grief I felt, but also tears of joy that Dimitri was alive, my soulmate was still here. I still had a chance.
It wasn't much of a plan, it wasn't a good one either, but it was all I had. It took a couple of hours to arrange everything. The first had been contacting Viktoria, the one email I had remembered from my visit with Dimitri's family.
It took me three times to write the email, choosing to avoid mentioning that Dimitri was alive again. That was something for Dimitri to tell them himself. Instead, I explained to Viktoria what had happened that night at the club, what I had asked Abe to do and why. And then finally requesting photos of the family.
It was a long shot, but I had to try. And then, while I waited for a response, I ran to one of the stores nearby, finding food that I knew Dimitri liked. Due to many Morois that lived and visited here from Russia, there was a fair selection of Russian food available. I grabbed what sounded familiar. It was mainly snacks but comfort food nonetheless.
If I had the time or the ability to cook, I would have made black bread for him, but that was out of my skill set.
I was shocked to have returned to a reply email, bag of food still in hand as I opened it on my computer. Viktoria had replied, with a lengthy message, mostly apologising, having spoken to Sonya and confirming who the father of her baby had been. I made a mental note to respond to her and let her know that it was all forgiven. Right now, I was busy smiling at the collection of images she had attached, including one of Sonya's baby that had arrived not long after I left.
I put them on a USB to print off downstairs, gratefully that the guardian dorms had a small office we all had access to. Lastly, I added two of Dimitri's books to the bag I had. I had taken them from his room to have as a reminder of him. And now I could return them to him.
I don't know if I would even get this care package to Dimitri or if he would even appreciate it. But it was worth a try.
As I opened my door, I almost ran straight into Adrian, his hand poised to knock on my door.
"Little dhampir, where are you off to?"
Seeing Adrian was like a bucket of cold water being thrown over me. I had agreed to try a relationship, though I knew it was half-hearted, knowing we weren't soulmates. And as soon as Dimitri returned to me, Adrian hadn't crossed my mind.
His eyes took in my appearance, no doubt noticing the puffiness of my face from crying, trailing down to the bag in my hand. His face dropped. "You're going to him, aren't you?"
I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't lie to him either. "Yes," I answered, my voice small but strong. "Adrian, he… Dimitri is my -"
"He doesn't even want to see you," He cut me off.
I drew back, shocked and upset that Lissa was sharing that with others. "He's just confused. Once things calm down, I'm sure he will -"
"God!" Adrian ran his hand through his hand, frustrated, "I should have known you would do this. It's always him, isn't it!"
"You knew we weren't going to stay together for long," I defended, and he did. We both did. "Dimitri is my soulmate!" It sent a shock through me just saying those words, how right they felt.
Adrian's eyes snapped to mine, "How could you know that? You haven't even seen him."
"I just know." I couldn't explain how or when the pull became so strong between Dimitri and me. All the stories I had heard were that most didn't feel it this intensely until they had first touched after they were both eighteen. But I knew it was true; Dimitri was mine, as much as I was his.
Adrian's eyes hardened, making mine soften. I stepped towards him, but he quickly backed out of reach. "Just don't, Rose." His tone was dejected, anger burning in his eyes. "I hope you live a happy life, destroying everyone else's life in the process."
I wasn't expecting the venom in his words. It felt like he slapped me. I watched silently as he spun on his heel and walked away from me.
I breathed out; it was ragged.
A pain formed in my chest from Adrian's words as they sunk in, cutting deep. They pulled at the guilt I was already feeling, what I had been pushing down since I had pulled Eddie into all of this craziness. Since Dimitri had been taken. Since Mason had died. Since I was the only one that Lissa was able to save from that car accident.
Destroying everyone else's life.
I let a lone tear escape before I quickly wiped it, once again forcing those feelings down, deep inside me. Right now, I just wanted to focus on Dimitri. While I may not be able to see him, if I could make someone take this bag to him, then maybe I could give him a small piece of happiness.
It took longer than I thought it would to print off a couple of photos, but once I had them in hand, I carefully slid them into an envelope and then into the bag, right on top so he would see them first.
The guardian behind the desk was the same one that had been there earlier, rolling his eyes as soon as he saw me. "I already told you, if you don't -"
"I know," I cut him off, "I want you to give this to Dimitri," I told him, placing the bag on top of the desk.
He eyed it, quickly searching through the contents like he really thought I had hidden a weapon in there. "I can't give this to him. Prisoners don't get gifts."
"Dimitri shouldn't even be in there. He did nothing wrong." I grounded out, struggling to maintain what was left of my control. Causing a scene wouldn't do me any good other than to get me in serious trouble. I had considered it, knowing that they would put me in a cell until I cooled my head, but knowing my luck, it would be the furthest cell from Dimitri.
"Whatever. I can't pass this on." He pushed the bag away from him as if it had offended him.
I glared at him, snatching back the bag, "Fine. I will just wait here until someone with actual authority comes by."
He tried telling me otherwise, but I glared at him as I lowered myself to one of the plastic seats in the reception area, knowing damn well that there was nothing to say I couldn't be here. I held his eyes, unmoving until he turned away.
It was petty, and once again, not a great plan. But I was going to sit here until I could see Dimitri, no matter how long it takes.
"Rose, what are you doing here?" Lissa asked as soon as her eyes landed on me. I knew she was coming, feeling through the bond that she was here to see Dimitri before going to a party. She was more shocked about my being here because she thought that I would be attending the party with Adrian.
I glanced over the others that were with her, Hans among them. I shrugged my shoulders, still seated in the incredibly uncomfortable plastic chair. "I'm waiting here until he will see me."
Disappointment and exasperation flashed through the bond, but so did understanding.
Hans wasn't as accommodating. "Go home, Hathaway."
I reclined in my chair, lazily crossing my legs, arms thrown over the backs of the chairs on either side of me, "I'm not on shift. There's nothing saying I can't just sit here."
His jaw clenched, arms folded over his chest. I held his stare. Finally, he sighed, "Fine."
I watched as he turned, the other guardians with him following, heading towards the cells. Before Lissa could move away, I called out to her, "Can you give this to him?" I held out the bag to her, pleading, "It's just some things to help."
Hans replied first, "We are not giving him anything -"
My anger resurfaced, "There's nothing in there that Dimitri could use to hurt himself or others. I already had that guy check through it!" I gestured to the guardian behind the desk.
I was surprised when he agreed with me, "It's true, Sir. I searched it. It's clear."
My eyes found Lissa's, knowing she had some pull in this situation, "Please, Liss."
Her eyes softened, taking the bag from my outstretched arms. "I'll give it to him." You can watch as well. She offered through the bond, a small smile on her lips. I was grateful for the permission again.
I was hoping that he would be as happy to receive it as I had imagined in my mind, but I knew it was more likely he wouldn't be. And Lissa knew it too, though she tried to hide those thoughts from me.
Hans groaned but didn't try to persuade Lissa otherwise. "Fine." He looked back at me, the stern look of a boss on me, "Do anything or cause any trouble, and you will be locked away as well, Hathaway." His tone told me he was serious.
I nodded, not wanting to push my luck any further.
I waited until they had disappeared through the hallway, no more eyes on me before I slipped into Lissa's mind. The anticipation was growing, knowing I was about to see him again, despite it being through Lissa's eyes; it was more than I could have gained on my own.
My heart clenched, seeing Dimitri still in the same position as he had been before, back to the bars as he sat on his bed, body curled into himself.
He didn't react until Lissa spoke, "Dimitri," his head turned, that same awed look aimed at her, "How are you?"
Knowing now that he was my soulmate, the jealousy burned through me that he would look at Lissa like that. Surely that look should be reserved for me.
"You're dressed up," Dimitri commented, avoiding her question.
Lissa glanced down at her clothes, dressed in a rose-hued dress, mask concealed in a small velvet bag, clutched in one hand, "Yes, I have somewhere to be later. I wanted to check on you first." He nodded, though guilt filled his eyes.
"I'm sorry you had to go out of your way -"
"No, Dimitri," She quickly soothed him, "I'm happy to visit you. I know it must get fairly boring in here by yourself all day."
His lips twitched as if he was going to offer a smile but decided against it.
Lissa glanced down again, fingers clenching around the bag I had given her. She raised it so that Dimitri was now looking at it, "And I had to give this to you as well."
Dimitri raised an eyebrow, a look that was so familiar to me it hurt. He didn't speak as Lissa asked one of the guardians to unlock the cell to pass it to Dimitri. Though reluctant, Hans had ordered Dimitri to stand on the far side of the cell first, then unlock the door and placed the bag just inside.
After a moment of hesitation, Dimitri crossed to the bag. The guardians watched his every move, as did I. But I did so because I was marvelling at the sight of him, committing it all to memory.
He held the bag in one hand, the other shuffling through the contents, eyes widening. He had placed the bag on his bed, carefully removing each item as if they were all precious. Fingers thumbing through the pages of his books, a look of recognition at them. They were his favourite ones.
Finally, he came across the envelope, having fallen deeper into the bag since I had packed it earlier. Though confused, he opened it and removed the photos; it took a second for him to realise what the images were of. His mask had dropped, his expression bouncing back and forth between sorrow and happiness.
I watched as he lightly grazed his fingers down the family photo, moisture gathering in his eyes.
They suddenly snapped back to Lissa's, struggling to contain himself; he whispered, "Thank you."
I almost cried. I wasn't there to witness it myself, but I had succeeded in bringing some joy to him.
"How did you get all of this?" He asked, eyes back on the photos, flicking through the pile of them, taking a moment to study each one.
Lissa smiled, "Actually," She started, sending a small prayer that Dimitri took this well, "Rose did it. She gave it to me to give to you."
In my imagination, that had been running wild in all the time I had spent in this chair, Dimitri would have found out that it was me that had put in the time and care to arrange this for him. And when he thought of me, he would have felt the pull of the bond between us, just I could, and then he would ask for me. He would beg for me to come to him so that he could see me, finally.
But like many things in life, I didn't get what I wanted.
As soon as Lissa had mentioned my name, Dimitri had frozen, muscles becoming stiff. Slowly he lowered the photos, placing them back in the envelope. I barely held back the sob as he started to repack the bag.
"What are you doing?" Lissa asked.
He shook his head, "I can't accept these." All previous joy was gone; only pain and guilt remained.
"No," Lissa's voice was firm, making him pause, "Dimitri, you can accept them. You may not feel like it right now, but maybe you will change your mind. Please, just hold on to them."
Slowly he stood to his full height, back to Lissa, but at least he had stopped gathering everything up. "Okay. Because you asked, I will."
Pain ripped through me, knowing he was only doing so because of Lissa. Did I really mean so little to him now?
His words weren't lost on Lissa, "She misses you," She told him, determined to try again for me.
"She is involved with Adrian Ivashkov, correct?"
His voice was guarded, and with his back to us, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I wished I had told Lissa that I had broken up with Adrian, dreading as she answered.
"Yes."
"Good. Adrian will be good to her." He turned, sitting on his bed so that I could see his face.
Was he… relieved?
Dimitri closed his eyes, no longer looking at Lissa.
I couldn't take it anymore and forced myself out of her head. When I came back to myself, I had to cover my mouth to stop that sob that threatened to escape. I blinked my eyes, trying to will back the tears filling my eyes.
Nothing had gone the way I hoped. How could he still not want to see me? How wasn't he feeling that pull to me? At first, I could understand; I hadn't noticed it either, but even now, being this close to him, I could feel the need to go to him. My feet knew the path to him even if I didn't.
When Lissa returned to the reception area, I was slumped in the chair, head in my hands. I could feel her worry for me, her pity. I didn't want it.
"Rose, I'm sorry."
"It's fine. Thanks for giving it to him." I told her, unable to look her in the eyes, not wanting her to see the pain in mine.
"I thought Adrian was going to invite you to the party?" There was a hopeful note to her tone, not wanting to be at the party without me.
"I broke up with Adrian," I explained, not giving any details. I couldn't deal with the emotions his words brought up, not now when I was so close to breaking already.
She shifted her weight, fiddling with her velvet bag between her fingers, "I'm sorry, I didn't know." She felt guilty for not telling Dimitri otherwise.
I finally lifted my head, schooling my expression to force a smile, not wanting her to blame herself for something she didn't know. "It's okay, Liss." She looked like she wanted to say more, so I changed the subject, "You should go to your party, don't keep them waiting too long."
Indecision floated through the bond.
"Really, Lissa, I'm fine." I implored, putting on my best brave face.
She reluctantly gave in, "I will try to come back later. I don't know how long this will go. Otherwise, I can come here with you again tomorrow if you would like?" I nodded, not telling her that I wouldn't be leaving this chair. Even if I had to stay here for days, I wasn't leaving Dimitri.
I wasn't sure I could even if I wanted.
After a couple of moments, Lissa left, her worry for me still filtering through the bond to me. I blocked her out.
I leant back in the chair, stretching out my legs and crossing my ankles. This was going to be one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. But for Dimitri, it would be worth it.
