Part 2
I was running through an ally. Or at least I thought it was; everything had a haze to it. I was looking for something; I don't know what, though.
But I had to find it.
I heard a scream, making me freeze, before taking off in the direction of it. It didn't take long until I reached the end of the ally, my eyes taking in the scene before me. My blood felt like ice in my veins.
There stood Dimitri, clad in his duster, the harsh lights of the street lamp casting sharp shadows on his face. But it was what he was doing that made the air leave my body. In his arms, he held a blonde woman; her struggles had long since stopped as his fangs were buried deep in her neck.
He was draining her.
I couldn't speak or move. I just stood there and watched as he killed her.
Finally, when he had had his fill, he removed his fangs, blood running down the corners of his mouth. A look of pure ecstasy on his face, darting out his tongue to taste the blood staining his face.
A strangled sound escaped my throat. His eyes snapped open, flying to mine.
Rather than that cold, calculating look he had given me as a Strigoi, this time, his eyes widened in shock. Fear. He backed away until his back hit the wall behind him; his eyes darted frantically between the dead woman at his feet and me.
"Rose."
I jolted awake, a hand on my shoulder shaking me gently.
"Rose, wake up."
I flicked my eyes to the man beside me, surprised to find Mikhail staring down at me in concern. I glanced around us, half expecting to see Dimitri again. But the reception area was empty, save for the two of us and a new guardian behind the desk.
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, rubbing what was left of the dream away. It had felt so real.
"Have you been here all night?" Mikhail asked, dropping into the seat beside me.
I look over at him, "What's the time?"
"After nine."
"Then yes." I stretched my neck, feeling a kink from the way I had been sleeping. I was honestly surprised I had slept and that no one had woken me to tell me to leave.
Mikhail shook his head, "You should go home."
I raised my eyebrows at him, knowing that if our roles were reversed, if it were Sonya in there and not Dimitri, he would be out here too. "I am not leaving here until I see he is okay with my own eyes," I told him, folding my arms to show I was serious.
A look of understanding crossed his face. With a quick nod, he stood again, "Okay, I'll be back. You need to eat, and I'm guessing some coffee.
As promised, Mikhail had returned with food and a large coffee, both of which I gladly took. A surprise edition had been Christian joining us. Mikhail had glanced at him and said he had just followed him back.
I didn't question it; instead, waving to the available chairs, "You're welcome to join me, but I warn you, these are the most uncomfortable chairs I have ever sat on."
And so we sat in silence, all three of us slowly drinking our coffees. It was the best coffee of my life as far as I was concerned, being exactly what I needed.
It wasn't until Mikhail went to talk to the guardian behind the desk that Christian spoke.
"Lissa mentioned that you might be here."
I sipped my coffee, waiting for him to continue. While I couldn't hear his thoughts, he was fairly easy to read, especially when he had something he wanted to say. I wasn't sure if something had happened last night at the party. I had kept the bond blocked off all night, not wanting to feel the happy emotions that their soulmate bond gave her.
Christian fiddled with the wrapping of his cup, "You know, don't you?" He asked.
"About you and Lissa? Yeah." Confirming it was easier than pretending I didn't. "So, you guys are soulmates. Not that surprised, honestly." I told him truthfully.
"She doesn't even want to talk about it." He admitted, his insecurities showing through.
I had to bite down my anger. Here were two people, discovering they're soulmates and weren't spending every minute together when they could. While I had found mine and he wanted nothing to do with me.
"She is just nervous. I'm sure if you tell her how you feel, she will as well."
He nodded. "So, are you really going to sit here until he asks for you?"
"For as long as it takes," I replied, finishing off the coffee.
It was an hour or so later Mikhail suggested I write Dimitri a letter. I wasn't a big fan of the idea, but he continued to encourage me, saying that it was an easy way to tell Dimitri exactly what I wanted, rather than someone else repeating it to him.
A sad smile settled on Mikhail's face, "I used to write Sonya letters before… Sometimes I still do just to feel like I'm still close to her."
I sometimes forget that they had been soulmates; Mikhail knew the pain of losing his soulmate. Something that he never got over, and I doubted he ever would.
I gave in, walking up to the guardian at the desk and asking for paper and pen.
It took a lot of tries—much more than I had with the email to Viktoria.
My hand kept shaking, making it look messy but still readable. In it, I wrote how much I loved him, that I forgave him, and that I just wished to see him, to make sure he was okay. It definitely wasn't a Rose kind of thing to do, writing a romantic letter. But desperate times called for desperate measures.
Once I had finished it, I didn't have to wait long before Lissa arrived. Whether she was here because she knew I would be or because she had sensed Christian, I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity.
"What's this?" She asked, taking the offered folded paper.
My cheeks heated slightly, "It's a letter for Dimitri."
Her face fell, but she quickly concealed it, wanting to stay strong for me, "Okay, I'll give it to him."
I gave her a genuine smile, happy that I could count on her. I was very aware that this could turn out just as bad as my other attempt, but I wasn't ready to give up, and neither was she.
I returned to my spot by Christian. Mikhail was going in with Lissa to give her protection and privacy, knowing she could speak more freely around him. Apparently, overnight it was decided that Dimitri could have lighter security, down to just five guards now. His release was just waiting on the decision of the council.
This time when Lissa went in, I was hesitant to slip into her mind. Fearing the pain of rejection, I felt. But my curiosity and need to see Dimitri won in the end.
I slipped into her mind just as she and Dimitri were exchanging greetings. The same questions of how he was doing, how he was being treated. I was sure he was lying to some extent, which just made my unease grow.
Finally, Lissa offered the letter to Dimitri. He didn't take it from her, staring down at the paper like it was a threat to him.
She offered it to him again, but he backed away. "It's from Rose, isn't it?"
Lissa wasn't ready to give in. "She still loves you, Dimitri," Lowering her voice so the others in the hallway wouldn't hear her, only Dimitri.
He only shook his head, "What it was like coming through what I didーcoming back from being a Strigoi. It's changed everything. It's not just that what I did to her is unforgivable. All my feelings… my emotions for her… they changed. I don't feel the way I used to. I might be a dhampir again, but after what I went through… well, it's scarred me. It altered my soul. I can't love anyone now. I can'tーI don'tーlove her. There's nothing between us anymore."
"You don't mean that," Lissa tried again but stopped when he yelled.
"I don't want to see Rose!"
The guardians at the end of the hall tensed.
His eyes hardened, staring at Lissa, "I don't want to see her, and nothing will change my mind. Tell her just to give up!"
Mikhail pulled at Lissa's arm, encouraging her to leave it be for now. Dimitri's outburst has set the guards off, no longer giving them privacy. Before they could lead her away, Lissa slipped the letter in between the bars and let it fall to the ground of his cell.
I was pulled from her mind before I could see if he picked it up. I wasn't sure how I was forced out until I noticed that arms wrapped around me, slowly rocking me.
"It's okay, Rose." Christian's voice whispered, trying to soothe me.
A sob tore from my throat, making me aware of the tears running down my cheeks. I tried to draw in a breath, but it sounded more like gasping. My hand was gripping my shirt, twisting in the fabric over my heart, where I felt it breaking. The pain was so intense.
Dimitri didn't think he could love me anymore?
He wanted me to give up.
It was all too much. Another painful sob escaped me, making Christian's arms tighten around me. I was drawing a crowd, but I couldn't care, not when my soulmate so vehemently didn't want to see me.
I felt Lissa through the bond more than I noticed her presence by my side. Both she and Christian helped me stand.
"We should take her back to her room."
It took me a moment to realise that they were leading me away, digging my heels into the ground. I didn't want to leave Dimitri. There had to be a mistake. He had to be lying. "No, I can't go. I have to see him," My words were barely understandable, having to gasp between words as I continued to cry. "I don't want him to be alone," I pleaded.
Mikhail was in front of me, eyes holding mine, "I'll stay here, Rose. I'll stay and keep an eye on things."
My lip trembled. "Promise?"
His expression broke; realisation lit up his eyes before they dulled. "I promise, Rose."
He knew. He figured out why I was reacting this way. And I could trust him to take my request seriously. Nodding my thanks, I let Lissa lead me away from the reception area and out of the building. Each step was agonising. The walk was lost to me as tears continued to fall, though now they were silent, other than the occasional hitch of breath.
It wasn't until they had got me inside my room, Lissa lying me on the bed and wrapping her arms around me, that I spoke. "Why doesn't he want me, Lissa?" My voice was so broken, rough from crying.
She didn't respond, not knowing how to. Instead, she pulled me closer and rocked me slowly, hand rubbing my back. She stayed with me until I finally fell into a deep sleep.
The depression I felt, all that grief, became anger. I think my emotions had become too much for me to balance, and the darkness I had taken from Lissa blended with it.
It all turned into rage.
Everything was pissing me off, and I was starting fights with everyone.
This may be why I thought calling Tatiana a sanctimonious bitch was a good idea.
So when I found Lissa and Dimitri in the courtyard, sitting side by side, a crowd surrounding them, I was pretty livid. My body was fighting itself on what to do, emotions flaring up again. I wanted to run into Dimitri's arms, the soulmate bond near yanking me towards him. But the rage in me wanted to yell and curse at him, to cause him the same pain he caused me.
Despite all of that, I couldn't help but stare at him in awe. What I had seen of him after Lissa restored him had been through her eyes. It couldn't compare to what it was like now.
I was getting that feeling that everyone spoke about. I used to dream of having when I would have seen Dimitri the morning of my birthday if life hadn't been so cruel.
I looked at Dimitri, and I felt a rush of affection and joy. It was like all the pieces fell together, and now the world made sense, colours were brighter, it felt like I was floating.
But then he looked at me, and everything came crashing down.
Both soulmates would feel the same thing once their eyes met; some say they would see a light come to their eyes. But Dimitri's didn't. He didn't even appear to have felt anything toward me; as soon as he had noticed me, he jerked his eyes away.
The pain in my chest returned, feeling like it was restricting my breath. Despite how bad my knees shook, I stood tall and concealed the emotions from my face. If Dimitri were going to act like I didn't matter, then I wouldn't show him that I cared.
When Christian joined me, watching them, I ignored the pointed look he gave me. I didn't want to talk about the breakdown he had witnessed. From the way he was staring at me, he was shaken to have seen me that way and now was expecting it to happen again. The thought made me scowl, my resolve to hide the pain of rejection stronger.
But of course, even with all my rage and hurt aimed at Dimitri, I had to help prove that he wasn't Strigoi and that he was an asset. So when it was opened to the crowd for questions, I stepped forward.
"I do."
Lissa was deciding if I would cause trouble or breakdown, and Dimitri… looked like he wished anyone but me had spoken.
His eyes lit up when he caught onto where my Rose logic was going; it was the most I had gained from him. It wasn't the adoring look he gave Lissa, but at least it was better than nothing. He could deny the soulmate bond as much as he wanted; I knew he still understood meーa connection built from our time at the academy.
It was still there.
I had lost my resolve. Afterwards, when the crowd had dispersed, I thought the connection I had shared with Dimitri for those few moments had meant something and tried to approach him.
Lissa had warned me off through the bond, but I ignored her. She didn't understand, she didn't realise what we were to each other, and I wasn't going to let Dimitri ignore it anymore.
"The hell I will." I shot her a look before locking eyes on Dimitri; he was avoiding mine. "I just furthered your case." I didn't want to come off as harsh or demanding, but that rage was still burning through me.
"We were doing fine without you," Dimitri replied. Each step I took closer to them, he took one back, angling himself to be behind Lissa.
"You seemed pretty grateful a couple of minutes ago when I thought up the idea of you helping us against Strigoi."
"I don't want to see her," He growled out low to Lissa. The words hit me like a slap.
I couldn't understand how I was this close, and he still felt nothing, how he could keep rejecting me like this. Had I been wrong all along? I had assumed he wanted to be bonded to me as much as I did to him. Had he never wanted me like that?
That thought made my blood freeze, panic rising.
"You have to!" I exclaimed. If he didn't want this, he had to say it to my face, not through a messenger. "You can't ignore me."
"Make her go away."
"I'm not -"
ROSE!
Lissa screamed at me, a warning. Imploring me to stop, telling me through the bond I would only make things worse if I made Dimitri lose control in front of everyone. That if I kept pushing him, I would ruin everything.
As much as I hated to admit it, Lissa was right. The combination of my shame and rejection became too much again. My inner turmoil must have shown through, Lissa's feeling changing to sympathetic, but I had already turned away, quickly marching away from them all. They couldn't see the damage they had caused me.
My conversation with Sydney hadn't helped my already frantic mind. Just what I needed on top of everything else, someone is stealing records about Lissa's father. The combination of today's events was causing a pounding headache, not to mention the tears that kept slipping out each time I thought about Dimitri.
He didn't want to be my soulmate.
And until he rejected me properly, I kept being in agony every time he denied me. If this was how it was feeling now, I couldn't imagine the pain I would go through when he severs the soulmate bond. While it was rare, there have been cases where a soulmate had died after the bond was broken by the other.
A small part of me almost preferred that. I didn't want to live in a world knowing that Dimitri didn't want me.
This was why I used to hate soulmates. So much power was in Dimitri's hand; he held my heart and my life and could easily destroy them both.
I must be a masochist. Or I just really hate myself.
There was no other reason for why I kept putting myself in harm's way, giving Dimitri yet another chance to reduce me to tears and make me a broken shell of my former self.
We sat in silence, surrounded by others in the church, everyone acting like they were here to take part in mass, but I knew they were all side-eyeing Dimitri, whispering among themselves that a former Strigoi had stepped foot on the hallowed ground.
I had told Dimitri I wouldn't start anything, and I didn't plan on it. It was a test of sorts.
Dimitri was going to destroy the bond between us; I had accepted that was my terrible fate. So before he could take it away, I wanted to take a moment to truly feel it, to try to commit it all to memory. Once your bond was broken, it was gone, and you had no chance of building a new one. This was my only chance to experience it.
What I felt through the bond I have with Lissa, her emotions when with Christian, were dull compared to what I felt with Dimitri. I'm assuming it was because it was mine, rather than me feeling someone else's.
I wondered that if once it was gone, would it always feel like a hole where it was. Is that how Mikhail felt?
I didn't know if it felt different when your soulmate died rather than a broken bond. Somehow he survived it; maybe I could as well.
Many dhampirs have been rejected by their soulmates, most often because they were Moroi that didn't wish to be with one they perceived as below them. It is different, though, if you have feelings for each other before the bond is broken. If there was no relationship built between the two of them, then the pain is minimal.
But if you had a relationship like Dimitri and meㅡwe had already given ourselves to the other completely; I had given him every part of meㅡit will feel like he had put his hand through my chest and ripped my heart out.
Despite knowing all of this, I felt my love for him course through my body as I watched him. The sight of him was exquisite as he listened to the priest, seeing him focused as he reflected on his past. Feeling the weight of guilt from actions he had no control over.
Dimitri believed there was no hope for him, whereas I only had hope.
I couldn't keep my mouth shut; I had to say something. And I took pleasure in hearing him speak to me, even if it was exasperated and distant. None of our conversations helped.
I didn't get anywhere except for making him angry, and each time he said we couldn't be together or that he didn't want me felt like I was being stabbed. A smart person would stop.
But I was driven by my emotions.
I longed to touch him, thinking foolishly that maybe if I could just touch him, he would feel the bond, feel everything that I could feel.
I had pushed him too far. He had sprung up from his spot, trying to get as far from me as possible. The look he gave me was not the look of lovers, of two people made for each other. No, he looked at me like I was all that was wrong.
"Rose. Please stop. Please stay away."
I couldn't control myself anymore; he was equally close to snapping. "This isn't over. I won't give up on you." We are meant to be! I wanted to scream at him. To make him understand.
"I've given up on you," His voice was soft yet void of emotion. My heart stuttered to a stop as if it could tell what was coming next. "Love fades. Mine has."
It was too much. His words penetrated my heart. A strangled noise escaped my throat as I felt the burning pain explode in my chest, making me clutch at it, my other hand wrapped around the back of the pew to keep myself from tumbling to the ground.
There was a moment where his expression shifted like maybe he knew what he had done, what was happening to me. He hadn't severed the bond completely, but it wouldn't take much else to do so. And I wasn't going to wait around for him to finish the job.
So I ran, pushing my way out of the aisle on weak legs and out the church doors.
