Part 3
I hadn't made it far before the pain was overwhelming. On top of the damage Dimitri had caused, the distance I put between us added to it. I felt like my body was betraying me, punishing me for wanting to be away from the person trying to destroy me.
I wasn't sure where I was; I just crumbled to the ground, barely catching myself from falling face-first into the dirt. I turned enough to press my back against the brick of the building, drawing up my knees as I heaved deep shattered breaths. My body was convulsing with each sob that tore from my throat. It felt like my chest was going to rip in two; I wrapped my arms around myself desperately, as if I could hold myself together.
I was unaware of anything except for my own pain; it was white-hot as Dimitri's words played on repeat in my mind. Each time, a part of me died inside.
I felt like I was going to die.
Distantly I could hear sounds, footsteps approaching. It wasn't until hands were on me, one under my chin lifting it, that I realised people were speaking to me.
Though it was blurry, I could make out Mikhail and Christian, the latter watching me in shock. Mikhail's lips were moving, but I couldn't make out the words, having to force myself to pay attention.
"...e. Rose, can you hear me? What happened?"
I tried to gasp for breath, "Hurts." The only word I could force out, followed by, "Di- Dimitri."
Saying his name made the pain flare up again, arms pressing tighter, trying to stop myself from breaking.
That look returned to Mikhail's eyes, a flash of understanding, and then rage. "We have to get her inside."
"Lissa's place is close by," Christian responded. Wide eyes never leaving me.
Together they lifted me from the ground, realising that there was no way I could walk; Mikhail looped an arm under my legs and shoulders, carrying me while Christian led the way.
More distance was being put between Dimitri and me; I was acutely aware of it. The only person that could take away the pain was, of course, the person that could make it worse.
"What's happening to her?" Christian demanded, now at Lissa's townhouse, he had the key and was opening the door for Mikhail. If he had the key, then they must have worked through their issues. Despair shot through me, knowing that I would never have what they do.
Mikhail carried me through the door and into the lounge room, laying me gently across the couch's cushions. "Her bond is broken, or at least torn."
Fear flashed on Christian's face, "Bond? Like with Lissa?"
"No. Soulmate bond." Mikhail looked down at me with anguish. Was this what he had experienced as well?
I think I truly would die when Dimitri breaks the bond.
"Rose found her soulmate?" Shock becoming surprised, followed by sorrow and anger, "And they rejected her."
I sobbed painfully again, curling in on myself. They pitted me. I was unwanted, unloved.
"I'm going to kill him," Mikhail growled, "After everything she did, and this is how he repays her." I could hear him pacing.
I had closed my eyes and tried to bury myself into the pillows. I didn't want others to see me like this. I was weak. Dimitri had made me weak, just like I always feared.
No wonder he didn't want me. I was useless, taken down so easily. Dimitri was strong and needed someone who could stand with him. It was all a stupid schoolgirl's fantasy that we could ever be together, and Dimitri knew it.
He didn't want me because I wasn't good enough. It was all my fault.
Adrian had been right; I do just destroy everyone's life.
I cried harder, my gasps turning into a keening as the pain worsened.
"Stay with her. Try to calm her down if you can. I'm going to get the bastard and make him fix this." Mikhail ordered, his heavy footfalls moving away from me. I was torn between begging for Mikhail to stay or letting him bring Dimitri here.
At least if Dimitri was here, he could put me out of my misery.
"Wait! Who is her soulmate?" Christian called after him. But with no response, he stepped closer to me. At first, he didn't say anything; when he reached and touched my shoulder, I had flinched away. Even the slight pressure of his fingers felt like they burned me, my body being over sensitive to everything. Another side effect, to encourage you to go to your soulmate; only their touch can calm you, whereas everyone else felt like pain.
"Shit, Rose. I don't know what to do! What can I do?"
I drew further back into the couch, wishing that I could just disappear from here. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be far away.
I wanted the pain to end.
Somehow through everything, I could feel a pull on the bond I shared with Lissa. I gladly let myself slip into her mind, desperate for the small respite it would give me.
As soon as I was looking through her eyes, I regretted my choice一before her was Dimitri.
They were in the courtyard again, the one I had worked on, the one they were in yesterday as Dimitri was questioned. He was seated, head in his hands.
"I don't know what happened. But I think something is wrong." His voice sounded lost, distressed. I pushed down the small amount of hope that tried to reach the surface. Dimitri didn't care about me.
Lissa opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Mikhail's booming voice.
"What have you done!"
Both hers and Dimitri's head snapped to Mikhail. Lissa was confused, becoming concerned at the anger on the older guardian's face. "Mikhail? What do you mean?"
Mikhail marched right up to Dimitri, ignoring the group of guardians around them. "Do you want to kill her? Because you almost have!"
Dimitri's eyes widened, "What do you mean? I haven't -"
"I don't know what you did, but if you don't go to Rose right now and fix this, she will die."
I wondered if Mikhail had seen this before.
Lissa gasped, "What do you mean? What happened to Rose?"
Mikhail didn't move his glare from Dimitri, "Don't you know what happens when you reject your soulmate after a connection has been made?" He demanded, sounding like he was scolding a child.
Dimitri's eyebrows shot up, "No, I haven't...Rose isn't -"
"I don't give a damn what you think. You are coming with me now!" Mikhail gripped Dimitri by his collar, hoisting him up from the seat. The guardians around them quickly enclosed around them, whether to protect Dimitri from Mikhail or because they thought Dimitri would fight back, I wasn't sure.
Lissa, who had been rendered speechless, finally found her voice again, "Oh my god. It all makes sense. Why didn't I see it? Rose is your soulmate."
Dimitri shook his head, not pulling out of Mikhail's grip, "But I don't feel anything. I can't be." Despair clouded his eyes before they hardened, "You're wrong. It must be someone else."
Mikhail pulled on Dimitri again, "I already said I didn't care what you thought. We are going to Rose, and then you can decide if you want to keep denying it."
I managed to force myself back from Lissa's mind again. It hadn't helped. And knew without a doubt that Dimitri being here wouldn't help me either.
Somehow I was still crying, it was slower now, but still, tears fell down my cheeks and soaked the couch. The pain in my chest was now constant, flaring each time I moved, but I had to get away from here.
Rolling on the couch was a struggle, my movement startling Christian, who sat across from me on the coffee table.
"Rose!" He exclaimed, eyes searching my face, "Can I get you something? Can I do anything?" I could tell he just wanted to help, but I couldn't focus on him.
Instead, I forced myself to sit, crying out. It was like the knife was sliding in deeper. But I could feel where Dimitri was; he was getting close now. Mikhail must have convinced him, which meant I needed to get out of here now.
Christian's hands reached out for me, stopping just before they touched my shoulders, "I don't think you should move. Mikhail will be back soon and -"
"No." I managed to force out, sounding rough, broken. Ignoring the agony it caused me, I stood from the couch. I nearly doubled over, a grip on the arm of the couch to keep me standing. It was like the church again, and just like there, I was determined to get far away.
They were getting closer, probably running, urged to hurry by Mikhail. They would be coming in the front door, so I forced myself to take steps to the backdoor, through the kitchen. I couldn't understand how the pain was getting simultaneously better but worse. I would make it a couple of steps and then have to lean against the wall or furniture as the pain would rip through me making me want to scream.
Christian trailed closely behind me, unsure what to do. He kept repeating that Mikhail would be back with help, but all that did was encourage me to keep moving.
I had finally reached the backdoor when the sudden agony made me fall to my knees, nothing to catch myself with.
I was so close, the door just out of reach, I sobbed from frustration. My body had betrayed me, and the man I loved had destroyed me.
I was dragging myself now, just a bit more…
The resounding bang of the wooden door impacting the wall announced their arrival. Christian, who was near panicking at this point, quickly yelled through the house, telling them where we were. The sound of footsteps travelling through the house towards us gave me one last push.
But it was futile; I couldn't escape the room.
I didn't want to look at them.
I couldn't look at him.
Sitting up, I curled my body, pressed in the corner by the door, arms and legs pulled up like they were when Mikhail and Christian had first found me.
I hated how aware I was of him. As the days passed, the bond grew stronger; even with my eyes closed, I could tell exactly where in the room he was. But being in his presence just reminded me of his words. Love fades. Mine has.
The pain was back in full force.
I was gasping as the ache grew, pressing my palm over my mouth to keep in the scream that wanted to escape.
"Rose, it's going to be okay," Mikhail tried soothing me, "I told you to calm her down."
"I tried! But then she suddenly got up. Every time I tried to stop her, she would scream in pain." Christian defended.
Light footsteps came closer to me, "Rose?" Lissa's voice called to me.
"Don't." Mikhail cautioned, "Only he can touch her right now, anyone else will just hurt her." I realised Lissa must have been reaching for me. I made a weird noise in my throat, knowing he was right; only Dimitri could hold me right now.
I was crying from the grief that he wouldn't want to.
"I don't understand. I don't feel any bond," Dimitri pleaded, voice thick with emotion.
I couldn't stop the whine I made, his words hurting more. God, why couldn't he just reject me already? Just make it stop.
"Maybe it's like you were saying, you feel closed off to your emotions. Maybe you just aren't able to feel it yet." Lissa tried to reason with him.
"But she can't be my soulmate," He sounded so broken, I couldn't think too much of the pain in his voice as mine flared again.
The scream tore from my throat, quickly biting my tongue to cut it off. I could feel the bond hanging on by a thread, just a little more, and it will be over.
I wondered if I would feel myself die, or would I just blackout and never wake up. I had died before, death was always calling me back, and I could hear its whispers now.
"Dammit! Do you believe me now! I know you have been through a lot, but right now you need to decide if it's worth losing her." A heavy silence settled in the room, "Because if you don't do anything soon, it will be too late."
The room remained silent before a small voice started speaking.
"P-plea… Please,"
It took a moment to realise it was me that was speaking, begging. Sobbing the word out. "Please…" I wasn't sure if I was pleading for death or a miracle.
I forced my eyes to open. The sun had gone from outside, leaving the room in shadows. The only light coming from the lounge room behind them, casting darkness on their faces. It was only the four of them, somehow convincing the other guardians to wait elsewhere.
Mikhail stood to the side of me, Lissa and Christian by the door I wanted to escape through, arms wrapped around each other. And crouched in front of me, his deep brown eyes staring at me, was Dimitri.
I couldn't see their expressions, and my inner turmoil was too much to focus on either bond to feel them. I couldn't speak anymore, my chest compressed too tightly to form the words, so I stared at Dimitri and hoped to convey my feelings through my eyes. We once had that ability, he could read me so well, words weren't needed.
I wanted him to know it was okay, that I forgave him. That I was ready for the pain to stop, whichever his choice was. I just wanted it over. There was no more fight left in me.
At least I was able to see him one last time. I can die knowing that even though it wasn't enough to deserve his love, I had managed to bring back his soul. Dimitri had a second chance, and I didn't want him to waste it tied to someone he didn't love.
"Roza."
I felt a shock go through me, my nickname feeling bittersweet, the sound of his voice like honey. I wasn't prepared for him to reach for me; I flinched back, but it only made him hesitate for a moment before he came closer again.
I cried out when his fingers grazed my arms, but it wasn't from the pain. No, it was pleasure, happiness. It was the first skin on skin contact we had had. I had forgotten how warm his skin was, the warmth spreading through the rest of me. It was too much and yet not enough; I needed so much more.
Carefully his hands moved, travelling up the length of arms to my shoulders. He was now close enough that I could smell him. It was near intoxicating.
I had closed my eyes when he had first touched me, relishing in the feeling of it, scared to look at him and see the disgust in them. But now, it was becoming too hard to keep them closed. I wanted to see his face.
Slowly I opened my eyes, looking through my lashes at his chest; it was so broad the rest of the room was blocked from view. All I could see was Dimitri, everything about him surrounded me, and I loved every second. Gaining my courage, my eyes travelled up to his neck, then his chin, and finally, his eyes.
My breath hitched.
Dimitri was crying, it was slow and silent, but there were tears trailing down his cheeks. I was surprised; rather than sadness in his eyes, there was awe. It was like how he looked at Lissa, but so much more. There was so much there that I couldn't let myself believe I was seeing it.
I squeezed my eyes closed again. He doesn't love you. I reminded myself, it was just as he said, I can't be his soulmate. He was only doing this because the others told him to. At least Dimitri cared enough he didn't want me to die, but to live feeling love for him but never in return was so much worse.
"What do I do?" I heard him ask. His thumbs were tentatively rubbing across my cheeks, wiping the tears that continued to fall.
"She's probably dehydrated from how much she has cried," Christian commented.
"You should take her somewhere and lie down, and she will need to stay close to you for a while. I'll bring up some water." Mikhail told Dimitri, footsteps moving away.
Lissa is the next to speak, "You can use the spare room."
I wanted to deny their plan, but Dimitri's arms were already around me, lifting me from the floor. Why did it have to feel so good in his embrace?
I betrayed myself, unable to stop my head from turning towards him and inhaling. I hated how much it affected me, the ache in my chest becoming less with each minute his hands were around me.
I barely paid attention as we moved through the townhouse. One moment we were in the kitchen, and the next we were upstairs, Dimitri carefully lowering me to the bed as Lissa watched from the door. I was blocking the bond between us; I didn't want to hear her thoughts right now. I didn't want to see how pathetic I looked in her eyes.
I curled up into a ball on the bed. Though I didn't feel like every breath was one step closer to death anymore, I was still hurting. The damage had been done to the bond, and it would take a while for it to heal if we even did try.
Moving out of Dimitri's reach had left him looking unsure, his moves awkward rather than graceful. He lowered himself to be beside me, one hand coming to rest on my forearm. I clenched my fist so to stop myself from reaching for him.
"I don't know what to do," His voice was soft as if he didn't mean to say it aloud.
"Just care for her like you used to," Lissa encouraged, "Try talking to her."
"Rose?" He called to me. My eyes were closed again, an occasional sob the only sound I was making. His thumb rubbed back and forth on my arm, "Rose, is there anything you need?"
You.
But I couldn't have that, so I stayed silent.
Mikhail joined us in the room, "Here, get her to drink that. Christian is making some food which hopefully we can get her to eat. And then you will have to just stay next to her until she is better."
"She'll be okay, right?" Lissa asked, her concern for me making her voice waver.
"I believe so, as long as you don't mess up anymore."
I didn't have to see to know that he was shooting daggers at Dimitri. I would have to thank Mikhail after this, this friendship we had built of us both having ones we love turned Strigoi. The fact that he had experienced the loss of a soulmate probably made him more passionate about Dimitri not destroying his.
Dimitri shifted beside me, "Rose, can you sit up?" When I didn't respond, his arm slipped under me, drawing me closer and forcing me to sit. I was pressed against his side, his arm holding me steady. "Please, Roza. You need to drink this, okay."
Whether it was his pleading tone or the use of my nickname, I cracked my eyes open to look at him. He was imploring me, a glass held to my lips; reluctantly, I opened my mouth, letting him guide the cup. At first, I choked on the liquid, my throat so dry and sore. Dimitri muttered apologises to me, helping me to drink again, this time successfully.
"Good, Roza." His praise sent sparkes of pleasure through my body. I hated it, but I also loved every moment of it.
I had drunk half when I pulled away from the cup; I was exhausted and just wanted to be alone. But Dimitri held me firm.
"Just a bit more."
I shook my head, "No. Please, I just want to sleep." I was weak, and I hated him seeing it. All of them. Lissa, Christian, Mikhail, the guardians that were guarding Dimitri. And who knows how many others saw me after church, no doubt everyone was talking about it around Court. Dimitri was probably planning a way to get far away from me. "I want to go home."
"Rose, you need to stay here until you are better," Mikhail replied.
"I'm fine," I claimed, breaking away from Dimitri's hold. As soon as his touch was gone, the pain in my chest returned, making me groan, throwing out a hand to steady myself. It felt worse. After having Dimitri close, it would now be harder to leave his side.
I gritted my teeth, hating that I had to rely on him.
Dimitri's hands were on my shoulders, guiding me back against his chest, instantly making it easier to breathe again. "Rose, you aren't fine." He grounded out, making me cringe from his tone. I was right; he hated this.
"Let's give them some space. I'll bring the food up later." Mikhail led Lissa from the room, giving us both one last look before closing the door.
While I was thankful that they were gone now, they had just left me alone with Dimitri. Don't they see that that was much worse?
He spoke after a minute, "Do you want some more water?"
I pressed my hands to my eyes, willing myself to stop crying already, "Just stop. I know you don't want to do this. Please, you can just leave. It's okay." I had hoped to sound strong. Resolved. But instead, it was broken, ending in a cut off sob. Even asking him to leave hurt with how fragile the bond was between us.
"Roza, that's not -"
"You don't even feel the bond!" I lashed out, darkness helping to turn my pain into anger. "You said it yourself. You feel nothing!" I jerked out of his arms again, I couldn't get far, but the distance was enough, "You don't want this or me, I know I'm not good enough. Just end it so you can move on!" I pleaded, fingers curling into the blanket under me, twisting it as my words twisted the knife in my heart. "I'm sorry, Dimitri. I'm so sorry."
I was falling apart again, and I couldn't keep myself together anymore; there was nothing left.
I had nothing left.
He didn't react, and I took that to mean he agreed. Like walking on pins, I stood from the bed and took a step, each movement agony. Pitiful whines left my lips as the pain intensified with each second I was away, but I had to do this. This is what he wanted, right?
My hand was on the door handle when his arms were suddenly slipping around me, and I was drawn into his embrace, tightly holding me. "Rose, I'm so sorry I did this to you. I can't… I don't know why I didn't notice, but I never meant to hurt you, Roza. I never wanted to hurt you again." His voice was becoming thick and rough, his accent more prominent.
His words were sincere, I could hear it in his voice, but also, I could feel them.
Our bond was healing a little at a time, and being this close to him, I could feel it, his emotions brushing against it just enough that I could feel the stronger ones. There was guilt and anguish as well.
"Please," He pleaded, breath fanning against the back of my neck, "Please let me help you."
I couldn't fight him anymore.
With a slight nod, I let him carry me back to the bed, my last attempt at leaving took what had remained of my energy. This time when he laid me down on the bed, he followed, body pressing close to mine, arms still around me. I turned into him, too tired to keep fighting my instincts to reach for him. One arm tucked between us, and the other coming to rest on his chest, over his heart.
This may be temporary, and in time I would have to face the pain of rejection again, but right now I had the arms of my soulmate around me. I could almost pretend that he loved me too as he started whispering to me in Russian, the deep tones of his voice soothing me.
I fell into a deep sleep that was, for once, restful.
So this is all I have, and I may or may not come back to it. Depends if people are interested. I don't know why this worked so well for my writer's block but it really did. Now back to my other stories!
(it's me, I'm totally gonna come back to this story, just may be a slight wait...)
