*Long Author's Note* **Sorry**
First, I am sorry if I had triggered anyone with Rose's darker thoughts in the previous chapters, I should put a warning for that. I'm really sorry about that.
Secondly, thank you, everyone, for the love for this story, your reviews all made me smile and feel so happy :D
And lastly, I know I said I would leave this one to focus on my others, but I had a lot of ideas for it and just went with it, wrote a whole bunch. My updates might be a little slow for the next week because I have to rest my wrist a little. Turns out spending all your time writing, drawing and animating is not the best for your wrist.
But anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter :D
Part 4
I woke up surrounded by warmth. It was so relaxing, so calming.
Someone was trying to get me to open my eyes, but I wanted to ignore them. I hadn't felt this good in so long. Something just felt right in a way that it hasn't since the attack on the school, and I didn't want to lose it.
"Rose."
There was his deep voice, the sound of it wrapping around me, bringing a smile to my face. This must be a good dream.
I've had these before. We would still be tangled together in the bed at the cabin, and he would be looking at me with love in his eyes. Not the cold way he did in Russia, and not in the distant way he did at Court. No, it was complete and unwavering love.
It was perfect, and I didn't want to leave.
"Roza, you need to eat," Dimitri spoke softly into my ear, his breath fanning against my skin, making me shiver. This wasn't like my dreams now; it was too real. Was Dimitri actually lying against me?
And then reality hit. Everything came back to me so quickly it felt like the air was knocked out of me. Dimitri had rejected me; he didn't feel the bond between us and almost destroyed it. My hand curled into a fist over my heart. While the pain wasn't as bad as before, it still ached terribly, though now it was more emotional than physical.
His hand ran down the length of my arm, coming up to wrap around my fist, "What's wrong?" He was concerned, his emotions coming to me through the bond. It was still weak, but it was there.
If he was asking what was wrong, then that meant he couldn't feel my end of it. He should be able to feel the pain, right?
I managed to crack my eyes open, blinking against the light coming into the room. What time was it? Despite sleeping, my body felt weighed down by exhaustion, my limbs refusing to move just yet. Slowly I dragged my eyes to the man beside me.
I could feel him pressed up against me, a long line of heat, I was on my back, and he was on his side, face hovering over mine. The ends of his hair curling under his chin, slightly messy from lying in bed, there were shadows under his eyes that made me wonder when he had last slept.
Tentatively I prodded at our bond, trying to feel more of his emotions; there was concern for me, and confusion. But there was also guilt, almost overwhelming amounts of it. So much so that I had to pull away from it before it merged with my own.
The bonds between soulmates were similar to mine with Lissa's again in that aspect. Soulmates can help their other half with their emotions by taking or sending through the bond. Just as I could take the darkness from Lissa and channel it through myself, I could do so with Dimitri.
I was cautious about doing so, partly because I was still so weak at this moment, but I also didn't know how I would handle two bonds pouring into me. I had never heard of a person having two bonds at the same time. The only other shadow-kissed couple I knew were Mark and Oksana, and though they had their bond through spirit, they were also lucky to be soulmates, so their bonds had simply merged.
I wonder how I would handle them both if mine and Dimitri's ever fully formed.
"Rose?" He called my name again, I had been quiet for too long, and it was making him panic.
I had to clear my throat before forming a word; all of that crying had made it dry and sore. "I'm okay." My voice was barely above a whisper. Dimitri quickly reached behind him and retrieved the cup of water from earlier, though now it was full again.
"Can you sit up?"
I tried to lift myself but struggled, so Dimitri slid an arm around my shoulders again to help me up. I leant against his shoulder as he tilted the cup back for me to drink, some was falling out the corner of my mouth, but I couldn't care as the cool liquid eased my throat. After a couple of sips, I felt some strength return, able to hold the cup myself though I continued to lean heavily on Dimitri.
"How long was I asleep?" I asked after finishing the water, cradling the empty cup between my hands for something to do, something to stop me from reaching for him again.
"Almost nine hours. It's after five a.m. now."
Well, there went my whole day.
I was honestly surprised Dimitri had stayed this long, no doubt that he wanted to leave. I should make it easier for him and move away so that he could go, but the selfish part of me didn't want to let go just yet.
He shifted against me, his arm falling from my shoulders down to my waist, hesitating for a moment before letting his hand rest against me. I felt us both shiver from his thumb brushing against the skin of my back exposed from my shirt riding up.
As if burnt, Dimitri drew his arm back.
I tried to conceal the pain that blossomed in my chest. It still wasn't as bad as before, but it was enough to make my breath hitch. I would have to get used to it sooner than later; it wasn't like he would want to spend every day next to me.
This was just a temporary fix, done out of desperation. We would have to figure something else out for the future. I didn't know what we would do, but I was sure I was going to hate it.
He was feeling awkward again, unsure where to place his hands, so he ended up just laying them over his thighs. "Christian is making some food for dinner. Did you want to eat up here or down there?" Dimitri stared ahead as he asked me.
I didn't think I had the energy to make it down the stairs, but it would be better than being stuck in here with him. He doesn't want to be with me either.
With a silent nod, I started to shift off the bed, ignoring the ache growing. At first, it was like a pinch, but it intensified as I put distance between us. Like I was slowly being stabbed, and there was nothing I could do to make it stop.
Dimitri had been quick to move, rounding to my side of the bed before my feet had touched the ground. I tilted my head at him, asking, "What are you doing?"
A strange look crossed his face before he concealed it, "Helping you," He replied. Even his tone was guarded. I suddenly felt like I was back at school, Dimitri acting like he was my mentor and nothing else.
Everything was different now.
The hope I had that Dimitri would find out about our bond and go back to being the Dimitri I remembered had been proven wrong. That part of him was gone. He had said it so many times, and each time I ignored it. I can't do that anymore.
I stared up at him. His face was impassive, as were his emotions; nothing was coming through the bond strongly enough for me to feel it. Granted, that could also be because we weren't touching anymore, making the connection weaker.
"Do you really feel nothing?" I hadn't planned on asking, fearing the answer, but I needed to know. Maybe, I could understand what was happening if he told me.
I could tell he was caught off guard, his eyes dropping to the ground as he drew back into himself. "I… I don't know. Since Vasilisa saved me, I have been feeling overwhelmed but also… cut off. I'm sorry, I don't know."
Since Vasilisa saved me… Way to kick me when I'm down.
"If I had known what my words were doing to you, I wouldn't have -"
Anger flared in me, "You wouldn't have what? Wouldn't have told me you didn't love me? Wouldn't have told me to stay away from you?"
Dimitri flinched back, I felt his emotions spiking through the bond, but he quickly contained them. That was Dimitri, always staying in control. Everything he did was deliberate; he chose to say all those things knowing that they would hurt me. He was only trying to apologise now because he was dealing with the consequences.
I didn't want his apologies, not anymore.
Drawing on my anger again, I pushed away from the bed, dodging his tall form and beelined for the door. I had thrown the door open and was down the hallway by the time he had reacted, calling my name as he followed, already on my heels.
"Rose, wait -"
"Just drop it, Dimitri," I warned, making my way down the stairs. I was really hating how much the tear in our bond was still affecting me, and the continual distance and fighting were not helping.
I clenched my teeth as I forced myself to take each step; my white-knuckle grip on the banister was the only thing stopping me from tumbling down. Unfortunately, by the time I had reached the bottom of the stairs, we had managed to draw everyone's attention—concerned eyes on us.
I took one glance and then turned away from them all, struggling to stay upright as I practically ran for the front door. I wanted to be away from all of this, from their stares and thoughts. I just needed to be alone, so I could let myself break and try to glue myself back together, just with a gaping hole where my heart once was.
Maybe if I could just hate Dimitri rather than love him, it wouldn't hurt so much. We could break this bond, and I could leave Court. Go somewhere else that I would never see him again, somewhere no one knew how weak I was.
"Rose, please stop!"
"Rose, you should be resting!"
"What the hell did you do now?"
Voices were all yelling at once, but I paid them no mind as I struggled with the front door. Why did Lissa have so many locks, and why did they all have to be locked. What I had of my energy was fading fast.
I groaned in frustration when his hand covered mine; my fingers kept slipping on the key, unable to turn it all the way. No sooner had he wrapped an arm around my waist did my legs give out on me, Dimitri jerking forwards to catch me before my knees landed on the wooden floor.
Tears were threatening to fall again, from sadness, frustration, and happiness. I hated how good it felt having him this close to me.
Dimitri curled his body around me protectively, my back tightly pressed to his chest, whispering in my ear. "I'm sorry, Roza."
I managed to twist in his grip but could not break away from it; all I managed to do was have my face pressed into the crook of his neck. I struggled in his hold, weak fist beating against him. I didn't want to hear his excuses.
I wanted to hate Dimitri; I wished I could. I wished he could feel what he was doing to me, that I could throw it all back at him. But with his arms around me like this, the feel of his lips moving against my hair as he whispered his apologies, I could only feel how much I missed him.
I had lost Dimitri and never truly had a chance to work through my grief and move on. After returning from Russia, I had tried to grieve the man I loved, but then I received his first letter and discovered that I had failed.
I never had a chance to mourn him.
While I had lost Dimitri, at least I still had the knowledge that he loved me until the end.
But now…
I had Dimitri back, but I have been left to mourn something that I had thought we both cherished. Our love was so pure and beautiful, and he had shattered it under the heel of his shoe like it was nothing.
And now, I would never be able to move on.
I never wanted to feel love again; if this were the pain it brought me, I would never let Dimitri hurt me like this again.
I went slack in his arms, the fight leaving me. It felt like everything left me; for once, I was numb to my emotions, and I relished in it. There was movement around me, but I tuned it out. I tuned out the world. If it couldn't touch me, then it couldn't hurt me.
It would take another day or two for the bond to heal enough that I wouldn't need to be by Dimitri's side all the time. Once the ache had stopped, I could leave and escape him. I would leave here, and he could continue on and find someone to be happy with. It would be the best for everyone.
Just one more day.
Dimitri had carried me upstairs again; the lack of footsteps following us told me everyone had remained downstairs. He laid me on the bed again, more confident this time, sliding in beside me straight away.
When I didn't pull away, his arms settled around me again. I didn't move to hold him. If I was going to leave, I had to get used to fighting the needs of the bond, to not crave his touch. I could feel his eyes on me, my silence must be unsettling him, but I didn't care. Not anymore.
After a while, someone entered the room, Mikhail, a plate of food and a stern glare at Dimitri. He shot me a concerned look but didn't say anything before leaving us alone again.
"The food will help," Dimitri told me, sitting me up again, placing pillows behind my back, so he didn't have to support me while also passing me food. It was a selection of fruits and meat; I wondered if someone had just bought some party platters and piled a selection on a plate for me.
When I didn't reach for it, Dimitri picked up a piece of cubed watermelon, holding it by my lips. I wanted to deny it, turn away from him. But he was right, the food would help, and I needed to get stronger so I could get away. So I obediently opened my mouth for the offered fruit.
Slowly he fed me. I was still too numb, too exhausted to move. I had cut myself off from my feelings, the rage and darkness no longer able to give me a burst of strength. In the state I was in now, even the aching of the bond wasn't as intense, just a pressure on my chest.
Dimitri was curled up behind me; I felt so small against him, long limbs tangled with mine. If anyone had walked into our room, they would think that we were lovers sleeping with how close we were.
But it was all a show—a lie.
I couldn't sleep, not able to be pulled under despite the heaviness of my eyelids. Dimitri's breath had evened out. I think he was asleep, but I couldn't be sure, both of us hadn't moved for hours. I wasn't sure what kept me up as I laid there and watched as the sun moved past the window, high above us in the sky now.
The noise downstairs had long since ceased; everyone either left or were sleeping down the hall from us. I wasn't sure how they managed to convince Hans that Dimitri should sleep in Lissa's home. I suspected that part of the deal was that guardians were stationed throughout, the occasional groaning of floorboards as someone would cross by our door every hour.
In the silence of the room, the sharp intake of breath may as well have been a scream. My body tensed before realising it was Dimitri making the sound. I was even more surprised when I felt his body shaking behind mine, the motion so familiar that I didn't believe it at first. But when his breath hitched again, I knew it to be true.
Dimitri was crying.
I had seen it multiple times now, but it still surprised me each time. He has always been so guarded with his emotions, finding it difficult to expose them openly to people. My ability to read them so well had almost sent him running to Tasha.
I could understand him doing so after being restored, but then he had cried yesterday, and now he was again. His control must be crumbling for him to have reached this point, his emotions much too strong.
Though he had said he felt nothing, I knew from the bond that he did feel something, the intensity of his guilt was terrifying. Maybe that was why he never felt the bond. Was it too buried to even be noticed?
Don't get your hopes up. I scolded myself. I couldn't let my resolve keep breaking so easily. I didn't want to care anymore. I don't care anymore.
But with each broken sound that left him, I felt my wall crack and crumble.
He must have assumed I was sleeping; when my hand covered his, he jumped. I could feel him move away from me, but I went with him, rolling my body, so I was facing him, not releasing his hand.
Dimitri was hastily wiping the tears from his eyes with his free hand while also covering his face from view. I could tell he was struggling to control himself again, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
My hand moved automatically, cupping his cheek, making soft sounds to soothe him. "It's okay, Dimitri," I whispered to him, catching a stray tear with the pad of my thumb.
He wasn't expecting me to be so gentle, his surprise filtering through the bond I had allowed myself to feel again. Despite my decision to release Dimitri, I could never ignore him when he was in pain, just as he hadn't ignored mine yesterday.
"Roza," His voice was low and desperate, squeezing his eyes closed against the onset of new tears. "I… I…" Words failed him as his body shook again. I shifted closer to him, wrapping my arms around him, this time guiding his head to my chest, hands stroking down the length of his back and up into his hair. Finally, letting himself go, his cries became stronger, his body convulsing with each one.
He didn't talk, and I didn't ask. Instead, we laid there in silence, letting him release everything that had built up inside while I tried to give him what comfort I could.
At some point, we had both fallen asleep; I woke to a soft knocking at the bedroom door. I had rolled onto my back through the night, taking Dimitri with me, his head still pressed against my chest. His hands were clenched tightly on my shirt as if he was trying to stop me from moving away. I had one hand in his hair, gently stroking the stands, the other hand was curled around his bicep.
When Lissa poked her head in, I felt her surprise at the position just as I saw her eyebrows raise. I shot her a look, asking her to be quiet, so she didn't wake Dimitri. I wasn't ready yet to face what had happened last night, and I didn't want to take away this moment of peace for him.
Lissa understood, sending her message through the bond, Christian will start cooking breakfast in a little. Will you come down to join us?
I thought about it before deciding that it would be best for us to leave this room. At the nod of my head, Lissa told me it would be ready in half an hour. Before she disappeared, she sent another message through. The two bags at the foot of the bed have spare clothes for you both.
I wasn't sure when she had managed that, but I was grateful that she had done so. After being in the same clothes all day and night, I looked forward to changing and maybe a shower.
Staring down at Dimitri, his breaths still even, his face relaxed as he slept, I didn't want to wake him yet. It took some maneuvering, but I was able to slip out from under him. When his hands moved to follow me, I placed my pillow by him, which he took and pressed against his face, wrapping his arms around it.
I instantly missed him. Pushing it down, I stood from the bed and grabbed the bags, figuring out which one was mine. My bag had a noticeably larger amount of clothes inside it compared to Dimitri's. Though I doubted he had had a chance to go shopping for new clothes yet, all of his belongings from the academy had been sent back to Russia.
It wasn't until I had slipped into the ensuite that I realised how much the pain had receded from the bond. Last night must have done a lot to heal it; maybe it was because it was the most emotion he had shown me.
By the time I was dressed and freshened up a little, I only had to grip the bathroom counter occasionally when a sudden burst of pain would hit me. It wasn't great, but at least it was taking longer to affect me. It shouldn't be much longer until I could leave, and then I would have to figure out my next steps.
When I felt my heart clench suddenly, I was surprised that it wasn't in pain but fear. Becoming more shocked again when I realised that wasn't my emotion; it was Dimitri's. I immediately threw open the bathroom door to find Dimitri sitting up in the bed, eyes searching the room frantically. I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the mattress, his hands reaching for mine, I let his fingers interwind with mine.
"Roza," He breathed out, chest heaving. I felt his relief just as I felt my own flow through me having his touch again.
It was all very confusing and made everything so much harder, but when his eyes locked with mine, I couldn't deny him the comfort. He was so unsure, ashamed by his moment of weakness last night.
Didn't he know that I would never hold that against him, just as with anything he did, I could never blame him? Just as his guilt was endless, so was my forgiveness.
Which was all the more reason I had to leave.
If I didn't, his rejection would just keep hurting me more.
Lissa would be upset that I had left her, but it wouldn't be forever, just long enough that I could get over my feelings for Dimitri so that when we sever the bond, it won't kill me. While I had wished for death yesterday, I didn't want to die. There was still so much I could do to help others, and with no soulmate to worry about, I could throw myself into saving others from the same cruel fate Dimitri had suffered.
Maybe I could save someone else's soulmate before it was too late.
I focused back on Dimitri, squeezing his hands, "Lissa brought you some spare clothes. If you want to change, we can go downstairs and eat. Christian is cooking." A flash in his eyes told me he was grateful that I didn't bring up last night.
His thumb rubbed over my knuckles, "Will you be okay?" He asked, eyes searching as if he could see the pain I felt from his absences.
"I'll be okay. It doesn't hurt as much now."
It won't be much longer now.
He was hesitant to release my fingers, taking a moment before moving away from me. I put on a brave face so he couldn't see the ache return. Despite the hurt he had caused me, Dimitri was a good man, one that would do his duty. If he believed that I was still in pain, he would stay with me even if it caused him discomfort. But I wanted his need to be with me more than driven by a sense of duty or responsibility.
I wanted him to stay because he loved me again.
So, this story was meant to just be a one-shot, obviously didn't happen. But I would like to get your opinion on if you would like to have a couple of more chapters with a conclusion sooner. Or would you like this to be a longer story?
Please do let me know.
As I said, I love soulmate fics so I'm happy to keep writing for this world if that is what people want :)
