Shocking, right? Me posting two chapters at once. But I love this chapter and my friend asked nicely for me to update early. So here is a nice long chapter for you all :D

Part 11

Dimitri and Mikhail were packing up the car so we could leave for where Jill had directed Sonya. Jill said that Victor needed to rest, so we needed to go now before they moved again.

"I could help," Sydney argued. She was angry, but I could tell part of it was she was uncomfortable being left alone.

"I need you here and to stay with them. Call Abe and explain what is happening. Once we get Jill, we can meet you at Court." I didn't know what would happen when we reached Victor, but I wanted Sydney away from it. "Besides, you aren't even meant to be a part of this. I don't want you getting in trouble if the Alchemists get involved."

That made her bite her tongue. There was only so much pull that Abe had, and if Sydney were found to be travelling around with us, it wouldn't end well for her. "Fine."

"Thank you." I breathed a sigh of relief, "While you are waiting, maybe see if you can find out more about who broke in and stole the documents. There's still someone out there that doesn't want Lissa on the Council, and I want to know sooner than later who that is." It had been plaguing me that there was still someone that was a threat to Lissa, and now Jill as well.

"Rose, time to go," Mikhail called out to me.

I squeezed Sydney's shoulder, giving her a reassuring smile before walking out of the house. We were taking Mikhail's car, leaving the rental to Sydney. Mikhail was driving, Sonya beside him, giving directions, leaving Dimitri and me in the back seat.

We sat on either side. I know Dimitri had been expecting me to take the middle seat so I could be close, but I was still distraught from earlier, and I needed some distance to push that all down. Bury the pain and longing.

I need to focus on saving Jill and keeping her safe.


The directions Jill provided to Sonya led us to a town called Sturgis, Mikhail speeding the whole way there. Thankfully, it didn't take us too long to locate their hotel, The Sunshine motel, reaching it as the sun started to rise.

Pulling up by the parking lot, we surveyed the area. "Oh, there!" Sonya pointed at a silver Honda Civic parked on the side of the hotel. "That's the one Jill described to me."

Now we knew they were still here; we needed to know what room they were in. "We're going to have to wait them out. They would want to move soon," I commented. The two men in the car agreed with me.

I hoped it wouldn't be too long. I was already pushing my body through the exhaustion and just wanted to get this over and done with. I rubbed my forehead before carefully gathering my hair back and out of the way. Tugging on the strands made me wince, the two blows to my head letting themselves be known.

"Rose," Sonya called me, "Give me your hand."

I eyed her, eyebrows knitted in confusion as I placed mine into her outstretched hand. As soon as our hands touched, I understood what she was doing. Before I could pull away, I felt the zap of warmth shock through my body; she was healing me. The fog that had settled in my mind and the stinging from my legs disappeared, I felt refreshed.

"You shouldn't have done that," I frowned, knowing how much using spirit can affect her. Robert restoring Sonya had healed some of her darkness, and I didn't want to be adding to it again.

I could tell Dimitri disagreed.

Sonya gave me a tight smile, "It's alright. You should be at full strength. Besides," She glanced at Mikhail, a look passing between them, "it's hard not to use it."

I nodded my head in understanding. I had felt the longing Lissa had to use her magic, especially when she was cut off from it. But the risk they took using it was always so high.

"So, what's the plan?" Mikhail asked, lacing his fingers through Sonya's. I frowned.

While I was happy for them, I didn't need to see their love while I had none. "You stay here with Sonya. I'm going to wait out there in case we need to move quickly."

"I'll go with you."

Crap. I forgot about Dimitri. I didn't want to be stuck with him either. But with no good excuse to make him stay, Dimitri followed and stood beside me at the back of the car, using the shadows of a tree to obscure us from view.

I crossed my arms and focused on the Honda Civic, refusing to look anywhere else. Especially at the man beside me. I was still in my dress, not wanting to delay us by changing clothes, it was dirty from being thrown to the ground earlier, so I wasn't too worried about it getting ruined now.

Dimitri mirrored my stance, letting us stay in silence for a couple of minutes. "About earlier… upstairs-"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Roza."

I clenched my jaw, "Has anything changed? I know you can feel again, you couldn't after the restoration, but now you can. You are coming back to yourself. But you still can't feel the bond. So there is nothing to talk about." My eyes stayed ahead, forcing the bond to remain closed. I wasn't going to give in just for some sweet words.

I heard him taking a deep breath, shuffling on his feet. "I wished it had been like what they had, that I hadn't pushed you away."

My breath hitched, whether from the surprise from hearing him say it or because of how much I also wanted that. I couldn't respond to him though, at that moment, I spied Victor and Robert leaving their room.

I tapped on the back window of the car, alerting Mikhail. While Dimitri and I would take care of the brothers, he was to make sure Jill got away safely. I watched as she followed after Robert, her moves robotic and not at all fighting to get away like I expected she would be.

"Compulsion," Dimitri came to the same conclusion as I.

"Hopefully, she will snap out of it when we distract them." We didn't need to discuss our plan, already knowing what we would do. And we didn't even need the bond for it—this ability to understand the other from our time at the academy.

Dimitri went for Robert, while I went for Victor. They hadn't been expecting us, at least not so soon. So it was easy to catch them off guard.

I won't deny that punching Victor in the face had felt good. I had wanted to do that for a long time. But even held down on the ground with a bleeding nose, he smiled.

"Well done, Rose. I should have known that you are the real savage one of the two of you. Does your soulmate realise how much of an animal you really are? Is that why he rejected you?"

I clenched my fist around his shirt, applying more pressure to his chest, "You're one to talk. If anyone is an animal here, it's you. Gained the habit of kidnapping teenage girls, haven't you! Torturing them! Even making your own daughter turn Strigoi and then leaving her to die!" My voice was rising in volume. I should be quiet to not draw attention, but my rage was overpowering everything else.

"She is special, Rose. You don't realise just how special."

"She isn't an object to manipulate!"

Suddenly the ground started to roll, like waves moving under the cement walkway and parking lot. The motion of it was enough for Victor to knock me off of him. He was using magic, earth magic, to shake the earth and throw off my balance.

It felt focused on where I was crouched, shaking too much for me to get my legs under me.

"Jillian is important. As is Vasilisa, and with one, I have the other. Control Jillian, and I will control Vasilisa. I can control the Council for the better!"

It always came back to the control of the Moroi government. But that wasn't the part that sent me over the edge.

Control Jillian, and I will control Vasilisa.

Lissa was mine to protect, and I would do anything to keep her safe. To keep them both safe.

My goal was obvious; Victor was a threat.

My vision became red and black as a deep, dark rage took over. This was the moment Sonya spoke of, I could feel the spark ignite, but I didn't stop. Victor was everything evil in this world currently, and I needed to stop him.

The violent shakes became my momentum, timing then well enough to use them to push me forward and towards him. I was practically dancing towards him, and he couldn't stop me as I advanced on him.

Just one punch, one hit, and I would take him down. Then he will be put away, never to be heard from again. He will never hurt Lissa again.

I threw myself at him. My rage was in control, not holding myself back.

Together we collided against the concrete wall, Victor impacting it hard. There was a sickening crunch, and then the shaking stopped. He crumbled to the ground in a heap. But it wasn't enough.

I needed him to fight back. I was pulling at him, ignoring the yells of my name behind me. "Get up and fight me!" I screamed at him, shaking his arm.

Distantly I was aware of hands tugging at me, my name being repeated. I fought against them until two strong arms wrapped around me and dragged me away from Victor. Sonya standing between us, "Rose. Stop this."

I was twisting against the arms around me, realising that they belonged to Mikhail. "I have to stop him!" I cried, managing to break free, reaching for Victor again, "He has to pay."

Mikhail restrained me again, now pinning my arms to my side. Sonya stepped closer, her eyes holding mine, "Rose, he has! He's dead. Victor is dead."

At first, her words didn't sink in, only the need to make him pay. But then the stillness of his body gave me pause, his dull eyes staring blankly… I finally comprehended what Sonya was saying一what I had done.

Victor is dead.

I killed Victor.

The dark emotions in me receded, leaving only shock. And horror at my actions. I had killed a Moroi, the people I have spent my life learning how to defend. The people I was prepared to sacrifice myself for.

And I killed one.

A low wailing broke through my horror. Robert was fighting against Dimitri's hold, unable to break it. Dimitri's eyes were on me. I couldn't read his expression; my own inner turmoil silenced the bond.

Everything happened so quickly.

Sonya ordered Dimitri to take Robert away; he was trying to call Victor back, to be shadow-kissed.

Once he was away, carried off by Dimitri, I had to help Mikhail move the body into the back of the SUV, laying the seats down, so there was room.

I was aware that we made too much noise. We had to hide in the car, ducked down in the seats while we waited for the people that came to investigate to leave.

I was barely aware of what was happening around me, my body simply following the instructions given to me. I kept myself detached, unable to think about how I was crouched beside Victor's body. The man I killed. I was a murderer now.

I destroy lives.

"Rose?" Sonya was staring at me. I couldn't focus on her. "Rose?" She tried again. "I need you to look at the dead. Open your eyes to them."

My breath caught. The dead? Death followed me, and I caused it.

My mind was too fragile, knowing that once I lowered my walls, I wouldn't be able to bring them back up to block them. I shook my head. "I can't."

Her hand curled around mine, her voice soothing, "You can. I'll help you."

The pull in her voice, her compulsion was too much to deny. Slowly I expanded my senses, lowering my walls, letting the ghosts around me be seen. Their translucent faces surrounded me, mouths agape as they tried to speak to me but couldn't communicate.

"What do you see?"

I tightened my hold on Sonya's hands, "Spirits." My fear made my voice shake.

"Do you see Victor?" She prompted me, keeping me from becoming lost in the ghostly faces.

When I shook my head, she encouraged me to bring up my walls again, to push them back. I was struggling, feeling weak. But I could hear her words, compelling me to strengthen myself enough to make them disappear.

I slumped against the side of the car, curling in on myself.

What slight relief I had at knowing that Robert wasn't able to call Victor's spirit back was short-lived when I remembered what I did. Mikhail and Jill left to find Dimitri, leaving just Sonya and me. And Victor.

I buried my face in my hands, tugging at the loose strands of hair. "What did I do? Oh god. It's all true. Everything is true. I destroy lives. I'm a murderer."

Sonya frowned, "Don't think about that now. You can dwell on it later. Right now, we need to get rid of the body and -"

I laughed, eyes settling on his still form. Victor was faced up, those lifeless eyes staring at the ceiling. "The body. His body. Sydney can make bodies disappear, a magic potion making Strigoi disappear so easily. But his… it wouldn't be easy. It's not easy. But killing him was…." I laughed again, a hint of hysteria to it. I was rambling, but it was different. I sounded like Lissa sometimes did, or Adrain… when they had used too much spirit. My eyes widened. "This is it. The spark set it off, didn't it?" I looked up at Sonya. "It built too much… and now it's falling… just like Anna. I'm going to end up like Anna…."

"Rose," Sonya's hands were back on mine. Her eyes were wide with... Fear. She was afraid. "Stay with me. We can push this back."

A knock on the window made us jump; Mikhail, Jill and Dimitri climbed back into the car. Dimitri was keeping his face guarded. He probably thought less of me now.

I drew back again from Sonya. Dimitri had taken lives, but he had no soul, no control. I was in control, and I took someone's life. He would never want me as a soulmate; I was weak and a killer.

"Where is Robert?" Sonya asked, watching me warily out of the corner of her eye.

"Unconscious, hidden in some bushes."

I laughed, drawing the eyes of the others. Everyone's except for Victor's. I stared down at him, "Unconscious. Of course. I couldn't, but you could. Of course, you could." I rested my hand over my heart, the skin exposed due to the dress. I clenched my fist, nails digging into the skin to draw blood—my heart, where my soulmate bond lay.

Dimitri didn't want me. He wouldn't want me.

I should get rid of it.

I scratched at the skin, "I'm wrong—an animal. I don't deserve it. This shouldn't be mine. I destroy lives, I destroy -"

"Rose!" Sonya gripped my hand, stopping me from clawing at the skin.

"What's happening to her?" Dimitri demanded.

A sliver of the bond returned, his fear flowing through. It chilled my blood, knowing he was scared of me. That's what it was, right?

My eyes locked on his in wonder. He was so amazing, and yet he was stuck with me.

Sonya tried moving towards me, but I cringed back. "No, no, no. You can't touch. You can't take it, it's too much. I can't give this." My mind was muddled, thoughts slipping through my fingers. But I knew that I couldn't let Sonya heal this, this darkness. This madness. If she did, it would only add to the weight of her own.

"I need you to calm her."

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realise Dimitri had moved until he was behind me, climbing into the back of the car. I tried to pull away, but his body blocked mine in, so there was nowhere to go.

"I'm broken," I pleaded, staring up into his wide eyes, "It happened. I'm like Anna… I'm going to end up just like Anna…."

His arms wrapped around me, holding me closer as he made soothing sounds, "No, Roza. That won't happen to you. I won't let it." He drew back a little, taking a necklace from Sonya, "Put this on. Okay, Roza?"

He held the chain out to me, the silver heart swaying from the motion. I took it from him, caressing the heart. "Where's the heart? You asked that. Mine's broken, it doesn't work." I mused aloud, glancing up at him with a smile as I fastened the clasp, "But I found it. It's right here. It's…"

The words trailed off. I felt my skin tingling. My scattered mind began to reorganise, my thoughts falling back into place. My eyes were still on Dimitri's, truly seeing him, feeling his emotions. He was scared, but not of me. For me. He was watching with a held breath, waiting for me to regain control.

I fingered the necklace, "It's a healing charm." I turned to Sonya, who nodded. Relief in her eyes.

"It should hold it off for a while. At least until we can think of something else." She told me.

I shivered at her words. For a while.

I didn't want to experience that again, the feeling of losing myself to the madness. It's like I was there, and yet I wasn't. Dimitri's arms tightened around me, and I knew he was also replaying Sonya's words.

"It's okay, Roza," He whispered into my hair.

I glanced around the car, taking in the faces of the others, all equally shocked by my slip of reality. And then my eyes landed on the body. A sob escaped me before I could stop it. "What have I done?"

Dimitri soothed me, "What you had to."


I felt numb.

I think that was the shock.

I still couldn't believe that it had actually happened. I lost control and took a life.

Killing was nothing I was a stranger to; the many tattoos on my neck can attest to that. And yet, this was so very different. It wasn't a soulless dark creature. No, it was just an old man.

I wasn't paying attention to what was happening around me, plans were being made, but I stayed silent—lost in my guilt.

Dimitri held me close to him. Despite him being taller, I was against the door, and he was in the middle seat, his arm wrapped around my shoulders and stroking my hair. I think he sat like this to have me away from the body, unable to look past his broad form to the back of the car.

We stopped, and Dimitri and Mikhail got out to dispose of the body. I stayed still, my forehead leaning against the cool glass of the window. When they returned, Dimitri took me back into his arms, and I let him. I wasn't thinking much about the bond or feeling it.

I was just empty.

I let my mind slip into Lissa's. I didn't want to be myself anymore, and when I was in her head, I wasn't.

Lissa was pacing outside the Council chambers. They were voting or, at least, discussing to vote.

Christian, Tasha, and Eddie sat in the seats against the wall, watching Lissa pass them back and forth.

"Make her sit. She's starting to make me nervous," Eddie muttered, earning a look from Christian. Lissa glanced at them and flushed.

"Sorry, I'm just worried."

Christian reached out and took her hand, guiding her to join them, "I know, Lissa. It won't be much longer."

I searched through her mind, trying to figure out what the Council was discussing and why it was unnerving Lissa. When I discovered it, I was surprised. They were discussing Dimitri's full release and reinstatement.

Lissa clasped his hand, reaching through the bond for him, giving each other comfort. "I just wish Dimitri and Rose were here."

Tasha huffed beside Christian, "Dimika should be here at the very least. I don't understand why he had to go on that secret mission in the first place. They are probably using his absence as a reason to claim he shouldn't be accepted."

I could see through Lissa's eyes as Tasha's aura lit up thinking of Dimitri. It was shining. Tasha was still holding feelings for him. But as she spoke, it became tinged with dark green. Lissa wasn't sure what it meant, still learning how to understand auras. I couldn't wait to introduce her to Sonya, knowing that she could help her.

Lissa chewed on her bottom lip, "I don't think they will do that. Surely if that were the plan, they would have done so sooner."

"Lissa is right. Besides, they aren't making any decisions today. Once we know more of what's going on, we can try to contact Rose and let them know what's happening." I never pegged Christian as the voice of reason, but he was the only one that could calm both Lissa and Tasha.

"Has anyone heard from her?" Eddie asked.

"Adrian said he tried, but I don't know for sure," Lissa replied, feeling somewhat guilty for having asked him. Adrian had yet to reveal what happened between us, and I hadn't had a chance to tell her much more than we broke up.

I haven't told anyone what he said to me or how true his words were.

"I heard Tanner left Court," Eddie lowered his voice, leaning in closer. They were far from others in the hallway, but they didn't trust that someone wasn't listening.

Lissa nodded. Him leaving, only saying that I called him, didn't help with her anxiety for what I was doing. Abe had returned a couple of days ago and didn't reveal anything to her either.

I was worried about how Lissa would take the truth; she didn't have the greatest relationship with Jill. Even announcing Jill to Court would be difficult; there's no doubt people will be denying and fighting it.

Lissa shot out of her seat, the door to the room opening.

But before I could hear the decision, I was pulled back into my own body. Dimitri was shaking me gently. "Come on, Roza."

I blinked a few times, the car was parked, and empty save for us. "What's going on?" I asked. My voice was rough, having been hours since I last spoke. It was getting dark outside, and I was suddenly aware of how long it had been since I slept. Since Dimitri had slept.

"We are stopping for the night. Get some rest, and then we'll go to Court tomorrow," His tone was careful, soft like when he was speaking to Sonya after her restoration. Like I was delicate.

"No, we should go tonight. Lissa needs to be on that Council now," He didn't know that they were voting on his fate; he didn't understand. "Dimitri, they are discussing you in the Council meeting today. You need Lissa in there for you," I explained. He just shook his head.

"They won't make any decisions today, and even if they did, Lissa wouldn't be allowed on the Council straight away. It takes time, Rose. You need to sleep."

"Comrade, I'm fine," I snapped.

He just gave me a look, knowing I was lying. Using his long arms, he easily reached around me and opened the door, with another pointed look warning me to move or he would move me. I complied and climbed out of the car.

I wrapped my arms around myself, it wasn't cold, but I still felt chilled—the knowledge of what I did coming back to me.

We joined Mikhail, Sonya and Jill. He had two room keys in hand, a questioning look aimed at Dimitri. Sonya was watching me; I dropped my eyes to my feet.

"Let me talk to her alone," Dimitri spoke in a hushed tone.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Mikhail argued, an edge to his voice. He still didn't trust Dimitri.

Sonya stood in between them, "She is fragile."

I groaned, glaring at the three of them, "I'm right here. I can hear you all."

Dimitri spared me a glance before holding his hand out for one of the keys. Sonya took it from Mikhail's hand and placed it in Dimitri's, then she looped her arm around Jill's and led her away to the other room, "Do you want to order room service?"

Mikhail eyed Dimitri for a moment more before following the two Moroi women.

I trailed after Dimitri as he let us into our room. It was like most other hotels, the two double beds, with a desk and TV. The neutral colours and generic paintings made me cringe at how impersonal it was.

It made me think of a cell, sparse and bare. I wondered if I would be put in a cell for killing Victor.

Dimitri gestured to the bed for me to sit, moving the chair from the desk to face me. It was like when he would sit me down to talk at the academy; there was a zen lesson coming.

At first, he just studied me. Leaning forward on his knees before speaking, "We need to talk about what happened with Victor."

I faced away from him, "There's nothing to talk about. I killed in cold blood, and now I deserve to be punished for it."

"Cold blood? Punished? Rose, he was an escaped fugitive."

"He was still an innocent."

Dimitri sighed, "I have killed many innocents. Victor was not innocent."

I turned on him, my dark emotions churning again. "He was. He was a sick, old man. I killed him because I couldn't control myself. Like an animal. I'm just a wild girl, right?" Dimitri flinched, quickly concealing it.

"You aren't an animal. He was using magic on you and -"

I stood from the bed, unable to sit and listen to his gentle tone. I didn't need to be coddled; I needed to be told I messed up. "Magic that he wouldn't have been able to use for long. I could have just waited it out or escaped it. But no, I used my great skills for protecting people to throw him into a concrete wall!"

"It wasn't your fault. Sonya said that it was the effect of the darkness," His tone was still soft, trying to use logic on me. But it didn't matter.

"It's still my fault. I should have controlled myself," My voice cracked, "I was weak. I'm always too weak."

I wasn't strong like Dimitri.

His hand caught mine, pulling me to face him. I had been blocking the bond, not feeling any of it. But with him holding me, staring intently at me, it was hard to ignore. He gazed up at me, the concern showing plainly on his face. I felt his calm, it wasn't being sent to me as I could him, but it was the best he could do.

"No one expects you to be strong all the time. You aren't invincible."

I broke away from him, crossing the room to the window. Wrapping my arms around myself again, keeping my back to him, whispering, "I do. It's why I'm not good enough. What I did… it's unforgivable."

I didn't think he had heard me, but suddenly I felt his warmth behind me before he spun me to face him. His hands clasped my shoulders as he stared down at me in disbelief. "Unforgivable! Roza, you can't punish yourself for something you had no control over."

"You do," I stated, looking up at him. Dimitri's hold loosened, his thumbs slowly moving across my skin.

"Not anymore."

I studied him, searching through what I could feel from the bond. There was still guilt, yes, but it had lessened. His self-hatred was gone. The weight of it lifted from him. I had noticed it before, but I didn't realise what it had meant. "When?" I asked.

His hands slid down my arms until they were curled around my wrist, leaving a trail of heat. "I don't know for sure. But slowly bits and pieces. Being around you, reading your letter. And then talking to Sonya and just being out here." His eyes became distant, staring into space, "I was ready to shut myself off from everything back at Court, but then I found out that we were bonded, and I hurt you."

I dropped my eyes, remembering that moment all too well. Dimitri started to caress my pulse point on my wrists, trying to comfort me.

"I could see you were shutting yourself off from everyone, and I didn't want that to happen. It also made me realise that I was doing that myself. And then, in the alley, you were right. I had to focus on the beauty. I realised that I needed to focus on the little things in life, the things that separate me from Strigoi. Beauty, honour… love."

I was torn on how to feel. Everything he was saying was the truth; I could feel it. He had stopped punishing himself. But I didn't know if I could do that.

I drew away from him again, turning and looking out the window. What had happened was wrong, and it went against everything I believed. But if I let it take me, giving in to the guilt that wanted to pull me down, was I really doing any good?

Victor may have been a Moroi, but Dimitri was right; he wasn't innocent. However, I had wanted him to pay for his crimes behind bars locked in a cell.

"You have to let this go, Roza. If you hold onto this and don't forgive yourself, it will destroy you." He pleaded.

"Have you forgiven yourself?" I asked. He may not be punishing himself, but he hadn't forgiven himself.

I felt him falter, unease and remorse through the bond. "That's different."

I turned back, still leaning against the window, "No, it isn't. You told me to forgive myself because I had no control. Well, neither did you, and yet you still blame yourself." I watched as he struggled to come up with a reply. "That's why you pushed me away, right? Because you felt like I could never forgive you for what happened in Siberia. But I forgave you a long time ago, only you are holding onto that guilt."

I huffed, the sound a cross between a laugh and a sigh. "It's what we do. We don't forgive ourselves, holding ourselves to higher standards. Sonya was right, we are the same. So what are we, comrade? Both guilty or both innocent?"

That got a reaction from him, eyebrows furrowing, "I一What does Sonya have to do with this?"

"Our auras, apparently they match. Lighting up around each other like we actually are soulmates," My hand pressing against my chest, the scratches from earlier still there. "She seems to think you still love me. But you know me, I don't put much into auras."

I couldn't look at him.

My fingers fiddled with the necklace hanging around my neck. The only thing that held back the madness. What everyone was saying was true一I had no control of myself. It didn't make things right. It didn't bring Victor back to life. But letting this stop me would cause more harm than good. Good that I could still do.

"Okay."

Dimitri, who was still thrown off by what I had said, looked at me confused, "Okay?"

"Okay, I will… forgive myself. It will be difficult, but I know that I need to survive this so I can do more good. By continuing to fight and protect others."

It was just a start; there was still so much for me to work through, knowing I would never be able to forget the image of Victor's lifeless eyes or the sound of his head impacting the wall. But Dimitri was right. I shouldn't let it destroy me.

I still had to deal with the darkness in me; the necklace was a temporary fix. I could only hope that when it had taken over me, some of it had been released. At least Sonya was right about the darkness exploding, which just meant that I needed to figure out a way to stop that from happening again.

Pushing away from the window, I passed Dimitri, choosing to sit on the bed again. My body needed to rest. Dimitri was still silent, unmoving from his spot. "Are you okay, comrade?"

His emotions were too jumbled in the bond for me to pick out what was what, and I was still too worn myself. But slowly, they calmed before settling on one. Determination.

"She wasn't wrong." His deep voice carried across the quiet room.

"What?"

He turned to face me, eyes focused on mine. The intensity in them made me shiver. "Sonya was right. I do still love you."

It felt like everything stopped, even my heartbeat slowly. Sudden joy flowed through me, making my fingers tingle. This is what I had been hoping to hear since the moment he was saved. No, even before then, even when he was Strigoi, I had wanted him to tell me that he loved me.

But then all the times he had denied me, saying he didn't一couldn't一love me, replayed in my mind. I squeezed my eyes. "Since… when?" I asked with a shaky voice—fingers grasping at the blanket under me.

"Since… always," He replied. And then I felt it. The affection, it shot through from the bond, taking my breath away. "You were right. I did push you away because of what I did. There was no room in my heart to love一only the guilt for everything I did. But then you needed me, and I started healing. You saved me, Roza." He came to kneel at my feet; his height brought him to my eye level. "I'm sorry I didn't realise sooner and that I kept pushing you away. I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Tentatively he brought his hand up, his fingertips grazing the skin on my cheek before moving up to cup my face. The look in his eyes took my breath away. They were filled with awe and love.

Dimitri loved me. It didn't even feel real. Even hearing it from his own lips felt too good to be true. But then I could feel his emotions through the bond, his affection for me. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, to kiss him and hold him and never let go.

I so wanted to give in.

"Do you feel it? The bond, do you feel it?" As much as I wanted this, I couldn't give him everything again unless he felt it. My heart clenched at his pained expression.

"I… I don't know. I can feel it sometimes when you send emotions through…."

A tear slipped out of the corner of my eye. It's not enough. "I can't."

His expression became broken.

I forced myself to continue, no matter how much I hated to do so. "I can't be with you unless you feel it too. You could still leave me or change your mind about how you feel. I can't go through that again." I wouldn't be able to survive it again. I could feel how much this pained him, regret and sorrow becoming stronger, but still, his affection shone like a beacon through it all.

Again, I wondered if it was his guilt that buried the bond from him, stopping it from connecting us. Sonya had said that the connection was blocked, and I believed that only Dimitri could free it.

I reached for him, tracing the side of his face. "I love you so much, but I can't take that risk. Not again." I ignored the pain growing in my chest. Despite knowing he loved me, I had denied him. Leaning forward, I pressed a chaste kiss to Dimitri's forehead, the most I was willing to allow myself.

I stood from the bed, moving away from him to the far bed. I couldn't leave him, but I needed some distance, and he needed to think. Climbing under the covers, I faced the window, staring out into the night, wondering if I had done the right thing or not.

The end of this chapter made my cousin hate me a little because I told her it would be happy... oops.

The future chapters will now veer off from the books, returning to Court in the next chapter.

Please leave a like and let me know what you think. Do you like it? Do you hate Dimitri a little? Are you excited to see if they can find their way back to each other? :3