How to Text a Tsundere
by Newt Is My Shank
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: yikes
MIDO-CHAN,
Wow okay your friend Kazunari warned me you might be a little eccentric but damn you'd give me a run for my money, Mido-chan! And people call me a freak :D yikes.
Also do you like Kaomojis? ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ I just discovered them! My cousin sent me a whole bunch I even downloaded the app from the store! CUTEEEE ( ゚Д゚)<! And to respond to your extremely long ass email (I think it hit like 1k what the fuck Mido-chan). Here is my totally dignified, totally-makes-a-fuck-load-of-sense response in social studies quotation format, please be thankful since I'm ditching quadratic equations to defend my honor from your callous statements:
...
"Also I must disagree with you in that Kyoto is a prestigious area brimming with culture and religion".
Shit son not when you've lived there for 15 years and you end up in a stuffy rich people school because your mom wanted you to have the "best prospects" plus i'm pretty sure there's a psychopath running my school.
"HOW DO YOU SET A HOUSE ON FIRE?"
Okay funny story my mom wasn't at home because she went out to buy cat litter and I tried to make breakfast for the first time in my life. My mom doesn't let me near the kitchen because apparently to her "everything I touch catches fire" but I was starving and went "fuck it" and tried to make an egg.
I got really bored while making the egg so my brain tells me "hey while the egg's cooking let's see how many times can tickle Suga before she tears my face off" so I went and did that and my mom came home and started screaming because the entire kitchen went up in flames while I was playing with Suga and long story short here I am bitches.
"Are you a pyromaniac?"
No I'm just easily distracted. About the same thing though lol.
"You should eat your vegetables."
I'll eat them once someone finds a way to make them not taste like babies' tears and grass. DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT THIS PLS MIDO-CHAN I HEAR IT ENOUGH FROM MY MOM.
"I'm expecting you to live until the end of the semester to allow me to pass this module."
Mido-chan you wound me.
"Remind me never to pair up with you for anything sports related."
Honestly I can't even fight back on this one because same. Also you're probably like a fucking giant or something if you're playing a sport like basketball. I probably won't even reach your upper thigh when we do warm ups lol.
"I personally expected more coming from a college prep class transfer. Any monkey who has methodically studied and written notes can acquire those scores."
WOW THANKS MIDO-CHAN THANKS FOR DISCREDITING MY LIFE'S WORK. Also don't be mean to monkeys monkeys are cute what the fuck we evolved from them Mido-chan. (Yes I believe in the Darwinist theory of evolution FIGHT ME CANCER BOI)
"I cannot comment on the color of your hair as I have not seen it and personally I do not care."
Thanks.
...
Also dude what fuck you searched up the blobfish on BING? BING? Bruh you living in the 19th century or what just use fucking google or something ain't nobody got time to Bing that shit. That search engine is as useful as a dog in a bone factory. Oh and shit yeah I think I have ADHD? Fuck I don't know my mom wanted to get me checked early on so we went to the hospital for a check up but I saw a dead body on a gurney and I kinda got distracted and ran after it and I swear my mom almost murdered me when she found me LOL.
Don't be mean to Kazunari. He's cute. A little noisy but cute. We talked about you the other day while you were sick and he said you were a tsundere but you can be "kinda cute" too. Is he gay? Or lowkey gay? Are YOU gay? Because he talks about you like. A lot. It's actually kind of adorable.
Okay brb gotta finish homework so I can die hope you're better Mido-chan!
- Izumi ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re:yikes
MIDO-CHAN,
P.S. Sorry I forgot to mention that I'm a Pisces. Is that a good thing?
P.P.S I have STELLAR visual taste how dare you. Also it's BLOBfish not BLOWfish. #BOBTHEBLOBFISH
P.P.P.S Fine I'll try the fish thing.
- Izumi ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: yikes
Ayase,
Do not call me Mido-chan.
I personally detest those emoji things. Kise uses them incessantly in his texts. It is very annoying. He sends me more whenever I tell him to go die. Also, why did you reply exactly 17 hours after I replied to you? And furthermore at 3AM IN THE MORNING? Did you have something better to do other than reply to my emails? You shouldn't be staying up so late to complete something as simple as quadratic equations. Certainly they aren't difficult for a college prep transfer like you?
Also, do not lump me with your sort. We are not "BFFs". We have exchanged messages only once and I have never seen your face. Do not get in over your head that me extending my offer to assist you in your academics as a sign that we are closer than mere acquaintances. However seeing as you are a Pisces, I'll let it slide just this once. Pisces and Cancer have generally acceptable compatibility and today's forecast has forewarned me to be forgiving of my peers' digressions.
As a Pisces you should learn to condition yourself to accept criticism. Also a friendly reminder your horoscope is ranked last in today's forecast, your lucky item is a rosary. Equip yourself with it if you do not want to fall victim to whatever misfortune decides to befall on you today.
From your statements alone your previous school sounds like a mental asylum. Certainly it can't be that bad for there to be a "psychopath" running around your school? I can't tell if you are over-exaggerating or if you are talking about someone I am acquainted with.
After reading your little story I am more than convinced that you have ADHD or at least very mild ADD. It means that you are very inattentive but not necessarily hyperactive. However from reading your emails I am hypothesizing that it is ADHD.
(Please stop swearing. It is unsightly for a girl to swear.)
As of this date, I am approximately 195cm. You would have to be 120cm or lower to reach my upper thighs. If you are, then you have a very miserable future ahead of you. I pray for your future husband.
Also please refrain from making untrue comments about Takao. I felt the need to permanently bleach my eyes after reading you calling him "cute". He is not cute. He is the spawn of Satan and Hades. I am heavily doubting your visual taste at this period of time. ADHD and pyromania aside, I think you might need to get your eyesight checked. I can recommend you a trustworthy optometrist at my father's hospital.
Will have to cut this email short, am currently leaving for school. I shall see you in homeroom.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: yikes
P.S. I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL. AND CERTAINLY NOT WITH TAKAO.
- Midorima
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: fuck i woke up late
Mido-Mido,
Lmao shit you right fam I got out of the house and almost got hit by a car wtf? Also I live in a Buddhist household Cancer boi don't got a rosary lying around here. Even if I did I'd probably try to bless myself with it from your Oha-Asa shit like? You sure you're not trying to curse me? Because my day is starting out pretty shit to be honest.
Anyways I'll probably like see you after homeroom if I manage to not die on the way there lmao.
Also I AM NOT EXAGGERATING ONE DAY THE PSYCHOPATH GOT CALLED SHORT BY SOME DUDE IN THE VOLLEYBALL CLUB AND AFTER THAT DAY THE TEACHER TOLD US THE VOLLEYBALL DUDE SUDDENLY HAD TO TRANSFER OUT DUE TO A "PERSONAL REASONS" LIKE HOW TF? Also don't tell me what to do swearing helps keep my anxiety in check okay you don't wanna be seeing a 1"5 punk running around trying to fight everybody and getting panic attacks.
Running out of the bus now brb. Pray for my survival Mido-Mido-chan!
- Izumi
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: fuck i woke up late
Mido-Mido,
P.S. I can guarantee that you are most DEFINITELY a tsundere.
P.S. Also it's okay Mido-Mido onee-san shall accept you for whoever you are, and whoever you like it's the 21st century boys loving boys is totally normal no need to deny who you truly are.
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
MIDO-MIDO,
I AM OUTSIDE THE GATE. ATTEMPTING TO CLIMB OVER WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION.
ATTEMPT SUCCESS. BRISK WALKING. HALLWAYS ARE CLEAR. FEELING UNEASY. INFILTRATION SHOULD NOT BE THIS EASY. THIS IS FUCKING SHUUTOKU SHOULDN'T THERE BE SECURITY EVERYWHERE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN MISSION IMPOSSIBLE OR SOME SHIT. PLEASE CAST ME AS ETHAN HUNT PLS.
WALKING UP THE STAIRS AS QUIETLY AS I CAN.
SHIT I HEAR SOMEONE CREEPING UP BEHIND ME.
HOLY
F
SUZUKI-SENSEI IS CARRYING BLUE CHEESE WHY THE FUCK IS HE CARRYING MOLDY ASS CHEESE
OH MY GOD HE'S YELLING AT ME TO COME DOWN SO HE CAN REPORT ME ABORT ABORT ABORT HOLY FUCK THAT CHEESE STINKS OF MY CAT'S PISS
FUCK HE'S CHASING ME WITH THE CHEESE LMAO BYE
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
UPDATE: I AM CURRENTLY RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BLUE CHEESE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. SENSEI LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA MAKE ME EAT IT UNTIL I SHIT BLOOD. THIS IS NOT OKAY I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT I'M CALLING ABUSE WTF WHY IS THERE A PSYCHOPATH IN EVERY SCHOOL I GO TO ASDAGJFAHJAKDJKLAL -
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
UPDATE UPDATE: Am currently writing to you on the toilet seat as I speak. Suzuki-sensei is yelling at me from outside the bathroom telling me that if I don't go to his office right away he'll throw The Cheese into the bathroom and make me wait it out. I swear it smells like a locker room after being used by sweaty boys in here. I can see why God abandoned this universe.
This is a rather sticky situation. I am going to weigh my choices whether I shall surrender this battle to win the war. I do not plan to let Suzuki-sensei win but the threat of The Cheese is far too formidable for someone like me to overcome.
Will update you soon.
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
Ayase,
Do not call me Mido-Mido. It is disgusting. Are you mocking me Ayase? I do not call you by some embarrassing moniker so I do not see why you must give me one.
While I am impressed by your ability to message while running I think you are a thrill-seeking idiot with too much time on your hands. Takao is reading your messages from over my shoulder and has dissolved into mild hysterics. I hope he chokes himself. He finds it hilarious that you fear blue cheese so deeply and I am assuming there is a hidden trauma behind that fear that I certainly do not wish to pry into.
Also I do not believe that you hold a big enough threat for me to waste my breath cursing you with Oha-Asa. Your existence is a curse in itself. By the way there is a shop near Shuutoku that sells trinkets, it should also sell rosaries. Get one to rid yourself of your misfortune.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
Ayase,
It has been fifteen minutes and you have not responded to my email. Sensei has yet to return back to the classroom. Not that I care but you promised me an update on your situation and I have yet to receive one. Takao is still laughing. He still finds your fear of blue cheese to be a source of amusement. He says that he cannot imagine someone as "serious as Izumi-chan to be so hysterical". Either he is delusional or we are talking about a different Ayase Izumi. I am assuming he is delusional.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
Ayase,
? Matsukawa-sensei came in to relieve Suzuki. Takao has stopped laughing. He is not revealing any information on Suzuki's absence. We are taking attendance. Takao has voiced out his concern about Suzuki but sensei dismissed him. Not that I'm worried but what have you done? This would not have happened if you had worn your lucky item. Pisces' forecast forewarned that you should be careful of your surroundings and stay low today.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck i woke up late
Ayase,
? Reply or I shall deem your existence as obsolete. This is no laughing matter. I am being very serious.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: YOU IDIOT
AYASE,
PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME WHY YOU DECIDED TO RISK YOUR LIFE ATTEMPTING TO SCALE THE BUILDING TO RUN AWAY FROM A TEACHER? ARE YOU INSANE? AFTER I TOLD YOU TO STAY LOW TODAY? Your idiocy baffles me. Matsukawa-sensei informed us that you tried to climb the ledge on the third floor window and slipped and fell. I hope that fall knocked some of that stupidity out of you. Honestly I don't know why I even bother with you sometimes. You could have very well died and deserved it.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
Takao called me an asshole and told me to apologize for my insensitivity. I am not apologizing. I think you were being foolish and reckless. However it has been two hours since you last went online and it has brought up some concerns. Takao wants to tell you that he hopes you are fine and not in a coma however considering your luck his worries might not be unfoun
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Heyyyyy Izu-chan ( ´罒`*)!
HEY IZUMI-CHAN PLEASE IGNORE SHIN-CHANS TSUNDERENESS HE SOUNDS PISSED BUT HE'S NOT HE'S RLY WORRIED FOR YA HE EVEN MESSAGED YA DURING THE BIO LESSON & HES NEVER DONE IT BEFORE NOT EVEN FOR ME I CRI OK FUCK HES CHASING MEASDFMEHUFASDHBAA
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
AYASE,
Delete that message now. That was Takao being idiotic. By no means am I worried for you when you brought this situation upon yourself. Now excuse me, I have better things to do at the moment than chatting with you. Do not bother replying. I hope you reflect on your actions. I do not by any means want to be infected by your stupidity any longer.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
School is over. Where are you now? It has been approximately five hours. Takao is refusing to talk to me until I apologize to you. Which I shall not. This is completely your wrongdoing and you should have heeded my warnings instead of doing something so foolish. I will be attending basketball practice in a few minutes. InterHigh is nearing and I do not wish to use my precious training time to cater to your needs.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
This is stupid. If you are angry please say so instead of keeping silent. I refuse to entertain an exchange partner this immature. If I do not receive a reply once practice is finished I shall request to Suzuki to switch partners. This is ridiculous. I was merely speaking the truth. You fell because of your impulsive stupidity. I am aware that impulsiveness is a common trait in a Pisces but even the stupidest Pisces should know the line between impulsiveness and recklessness.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
Practice is over. I have yet to receive a reply from you. This is your final warning. I shall not tolerate this foolishness any longer.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
I am heading towards the trinket shop to retrieve your lucky item. I am having Takao deliver it to your home as I have better things to do than visit you. It may be too late but it should relieve some of your misfortune for today. Do not count on me to do this for you again. This is a one time situation only. I am only doing this in order to placate Takao, who cannot stop insisting to visit you.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: YOU IDIOT
Ayase,
It pains me to say that it feels dull without having your lengthy rants and mindless nonsense to read while waiting for Takao to drive me home. We visited your mother earlier today and she informed us that you would be staying the night at the hospital while getting your stitches. She was understandably confused by the rosary but promised to deliver it to you later so you could recover some of your luck. She is a very wise woman, you should listen to her more often. She offered us tea and double chocolate chip cookies. You should be grateful for your mother Ayase. She makes acceptable cookies.
Also why was I not informed of the nature of your injury earlier? I might have toned down my callousness if I had known of this earlier. Head injuries are no laughing matter.
- Midorima
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: I apologize
Ayase,
I admit that I might have crossed the line with my insensitivity today. While the accident is still completely your fault it does not mean that I actually wish you any harm. While almost considered borderline manic, I find your emails and mindless drabbles to be faintly compelling and - to a certain extent - mildly entertaining, even if I have not yet had the chance to meet you in person. Please be grateful as I am proofreading this and I am already finding this entire email to be completely illogical and overly emotional considering we have only spoke - or messaged in this situation - for at most three days.
As I do not intend to replace you with anyone else yet - I implore you to get yourself back in top condition as soon as possible. If you are still absent by tomorrow I will drop off your lucky item to your mother to speed up your recovery. Take it as a sign of my goodwill.
….Do not die yet.
- Midorima
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: I apologize
Oh lol sorry Shin-tan forgot to charge my phone today.
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: i just read everything lmao
AWW SHIT YOU DO CARE FOR ME SHIN-TAN I'M SO TOUCHED I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BIG FAT FUCKING HUG ONCE I GET OUT OF HOSPITAL TOMORROW. ٩(๑ ₃ )۶
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: I take it back
DIE, AYASE.
- Midorima
Drop a review? They really do give me the encouragement to write more and update frequently!
This is taken from an actual conversation I had with my real life tsundere friend. I broke my leg trying to slide down the stairs and ended up in hospital for a day and while I was unconscious he sent me 24 unanswered SMS's and 9 calls, so technically this chapter isn't exactly unrealistic lmao. Midorima is wild.
