There's a strong possibility this story is going to be my longest story, there's still a bunch to go. I'm glad you liked the angst in the last chapter because there will be more. I was worried that the last chapter wouldn't be liked, but your reviews have proved otherwise, so thank you!
Part 17
I pressed the palm of my hands against my eyes, making lights spark behind my eyelids from the pressure. My eyes were red and puffy from both my tears and me frantically wiping at them.
I felt so stupid.
I had let myself lose control again and assaulted a guardian. I can kiss every chance of getting out from behind that desk goodbye. As soon as Hans found out about this, I was in so much trouble, and then I will probably receive another of mom's speeches of how much of a failure I was.
And then there was Dimitri… no matter the fact I said all of that to him, I had also hurt him. Bruises forming on his face and arms from hits he wasn't able to block in time.
I had really fucked up this time.
"Roza, please look at me," Dimitri tried to coax me. After I gained enough awareness of myself and my actions, I had pulled away from Dimitri's embrace and curled up against the wall of the training room, burying my face in my hands.
I couldn't face him, didn't know how to. It was bad enough he heard all my fears in my dream, but screaming them at him while attacking him was worse.
"Just leave me alone," The irony was not lost on me, telling him that after I begged him to never leave me just before.
His fingers ran through my hair, "I'm not going anywhere." He replied firmly. His mind was made up, and there was no persuading him.
"Fine, then I'll go."
I couldn't even get my feet underneath me before I was pulled back to the ground, Dimitri's hands on my shoulders, using his strength to keep me in place. "You can't keep bottling this up, Rose. Trust me," He pleaded, "Keeping these thoughts一these fears一in will just make it worse. I tried that, and look where it got us. You're mad at me? Fine, yell at me. You're scared? Tell me so I can help. But don't keep it all inside anymore. Let me help you!"
My hand came up to his. Part of me wanted to push him away, fingers shaking as they gripped onto him. But I knew Dimitri was right. "I don't know how to control it," I admitted in a small voice. "The darkness is so powerful… there's so much. I can feel it. Always on the edge of exploding again."
His hold on me loosened, knowing I wasn't going to run. His hand moved from my shoulder to cup my face. "Do you know what set it off? You seemed fine earlier."
I risked a glance at him, seeing only understanding in his face. The bond was numbed, just like last time; slowly, his emotions would come through as the darkness receded. "My mom came to my room after work. She said some things about me, about us, and it was just too much." I explained, my head tilting more into his hand, seeking the comfort of his touch. "I came here to work it out. But then that guy…."
"I'm sorry he said that to you. That because of me -"
"No!" I cut him off, eyes locked on his. "None of it is your fault. You were turned against your will!" I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes against the onset of memories. I should have gone back for him. I should have fought harder for him. Then maybe everything would have been better.
His thumb wiped the stray tear falling down my cheek. The look in his eyes told me he knew what I was thinking. Even without the bond, he could still read me so well. I didn't bother voicing my what-ifs. If I had returned, the likelihood of it ending well was low; I would have been killed or turned like him. We both knew it.
I reached for him, needing his embrace, pulling myself into his open arms and clinging to him. With a sigh, he dropped his cheek to rest on top of my head. "I never should have pushed you away."
I grasped at his shirt, "You were going through a lot."
"I let my fear and regret control me and was cruel to you," His voice was tight, disappointed in himself, "I said what I did because I wanted to hurt you, thinking that was the only way to make you move on from me. Telling myself I was doing what was best for you." He buried his face into the crook of my neck, "I was wrong, and I will spend my life trying to make it up to you, Roza."
I didn't disagree with him. As much as he was struggling, he did choose to say those things to me. But I couldn't hold it against him forever; neither one of us would ever move on if I did.
"We should go see Lissa and Sonya, see if they can't make you another charm. Maybe they can do something else to help as well," Dimitri offered, pulling back from me to look at my face.
I felt a bit better, though my control was still fragile. Even my body was weary, my legs shaking as I tried to stand. Dimitri put his arm around me to help support me, taking most of my weight. I was apprehensive about going back out there, seeing everyone's face, but Dimitri held me firm, his protectiveness coming through the bond faintly. As long as he was with me, he would take care of me.
Eddie was waiting in the hallway, a tense set to his shoulders as he stood blocking anyone coming down this far. Hearing the door, he glanced over his shoulder at me, eyes sweeping over us both.
"Everything okay?" He asked, eyeing me, concern evident.
I shook my head, "Not yet." Dread settling in my stomach for what my consequences will be for my actions this time. Dimitri squeezed me gently.
"It will be." He told me. Moving his eyes to Eddie, "I'm going to take her to Lissa's." Eddie nodded; they shared a look, an unspoken conversation passing between them.
Eddie led the way back into the main room of the gym as we trailed behind him. I hesitated. I didn't want to be seen like this. Dimitri, of course, understood why I stopped, releasing me so I could walk on my own but keeping a hand at my elbow so he could react quickly if needed.
I don't know what Eddie did, but most of the people in the room avoided looking at me or were being very subtle about it. Eddie was already at the entrance, our gym bags in hand.
The friend of the guardian I had attacked was standing by the lockers scowling at me. He opened his mouth but froze, eyes averted to the ground. I would be confused if I hadn't felt the anger and warning from Dimitri, guessing he shot the man a look that made him rethink saying something.
Dimitri was intimidating before the attack, levelling many with just his glare, but now people were warier of him, which was why that guardian was only willing to say those things to me when he wasn't around. He thought I was weak and would be ashamed of Dimitri's past and my connection to him.
I reached for Dimitri's hand, clasping it tightly in mine; if news of this had spread, I wanted people to know that I wasn't going to stand for anyone talking about Dimitri like that.
We didn't speak on the walk over to Lissa's. Eddie didn't comment on my holding hands with Dimitri, only looking back at me to check on me occasionally. I was grateful for it.
Mikhail opened the door for us. I could tell by his drawn expression he knew what had happened. I marched past him, grumbling, "I don't want to talk about it."
Lissa was already up out of her seat, followed by Sonya, meeting me as I entered. Sonya took my face in her hands, giving me a sad smile, "We'll figure something out, Rose."
Lissa slipped her hand into mine, leading me to the couch, "I swear I've been avoiding using magic. I don't understand why the darkness is still so strong." She looked at Sonya.
"There is so much of it still that it will take time before you are no longer at risk."
I only half-listened to their conversation, discussing ideas, but I was too tired to do much else than nod. My eyes found Dimitri's across the room, watching me as he stood with Eddie and Mikhail talking in hush tones. It wasn't until Lissa went upstairs that I pulled my eyes away from his and focused on Sonya.
She sat on the couch beside me, clasping my hands in hers, "Another charm will help, and then we will figure something out." Her smile was kind, but I could see the concern in her eyes, the fear.
A loud knock at the front door drew everyone's attention, Mikhail again moving to answer it. It didn't take me long to know who was there.
"I have just as much right to be here! I only want what's best for her." Janine's accent was more pronounced, the volume of it carrying from the open door to the lounge room.
My eyes shot to Dimitri's, understanding my silent plea; he crossed the room to me.
"As do I. But that isn't the way to do it!" Abe argued back.
Their voices died down, talking to Mikhail, no doubt looking for me. Dimitri crouched before me, taking my hands that Sonya had released; she was looking from the front door and then back to me with furrowed brows.
"What do you want to do?" Dimitri asked, knowing that a fight with my mother was what sent me over the edge earlier.
I shook my head, "I can't deal with this right now."
Dimitri pulled me up, standing between me and the front door like a shield as he led me up the stairs. There were calls of my name, but I ignored them; Dimitri opened the door to the spare room, ushering me in and then closed it, staying outside to block anyone else from entering.
The thundering of footsteps followed up the stairs, voices yelling through the door my back was now pressed against.
"Rose? Rose, are you okay?" Abe's called through.
"No, she isn't okay. You need to leave." Dimitri responded. His agitation came through the bond.
Next was Janine yelling, "I'm not leaving. Rose, I'm sorry about what I said, but you can't keep reacting like this!" She scolded me. "People are already talking about what happened at the gym!"
"And I will take care of it." Abe rebuked.
"You can't keep cleaning up after her."
I covered my face with my hands; I could feel my body shake. I don't know if it was in anger or if everything was just becoming too much. There was still too much darkness at the surface, desperate to lash out. I wanted to lash out.
"Roza." Dimitri's deep voice broke me from my downward spiral, "Roza, can you let me in?" His tone sounded like he had been trying to get my attention for a while.
I reached up and flicked the lock, shifting out of the way enough for Dimitri to slip through, closing the door after him, so no one else came in. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this. Dimitri knew how bad it could get; he had seen it, he was the only one I could trust to help keep me in control.
He crouched in front of me again, taking my hands in his, holding them tightly as the tremors slowly subsided. The longer we sat there, the more in control I felt again, my awareness returning that I realised there was no one else at the door anymore. I tilted my head in question.
"I told them they needed to back off. Lissa helped persuade them." He explained, shifting around, so he was now sitting beside me, not once letting go. "What can I do to help?"
Feeling exhausted, I dropped my head to his shoulder, "This." Soulmates all had the ability to calm their other half, and it seemed Dimitri could also help calm the darkness from taking over again.
"Lissa found a bracelet. She and Sonya are charming it now."
"That's good." My head was leaning heavily against him as my body relaxed. After working all day and then everything at the gym, I was beyond exhausted.
I could tell Dimitri was tired, too, though he was trying to conceal it. He had spent a lot of energy wearing me out earlier. My knuckles were still red from the punching bag and then from fighting him and probably needed to be iced so that they weren't swollen in the morning. Even Dimitri should be using an ice pack on his face where I managed to get a good hit on his jaw.
My fingers lightly touched his chin, applying slight pressure to make him turn so I could see the bruise. At the beginning of the fight, I had caught him off guard, not expecting me to be fighting dirty.
His lip quirked up in the corner, "It's fine, Roza."
"You should ice it."
"I will once I know you're okay."
I nodded, dropping my hand, "What do you think will happen to me when that guy complains to Hans."
"I don't think he will say anything." At my doubtful look, Dimitri explained, "He won't want to admit that an eighteen-year-old girl managed to pin him so easily."
I quirked my eyebrow at him, "Did you see me do it?"
"Yes, Eddie and I arrived just as you grabbed him." A flash of pride came through the bond, "He made a mistake underestimating you."
I leant against his arm, making myself more comfortable, hands still locked between us. "I had a great teacher."
I was almost asleep when there was another knock on the door, informing Dimitri it was Lissa; he let her into the room.
She crouched down on my other side, "Put this on, and then you should try to sleep a little." She held out a bracelet to me, slipping it on when I held my wrist out. The sense of relief I felt from it was instantaneous, like a weight being lifted. "How's that?"
I looked between them both, feeling like myself again, "Much better."
"Do you want to sleep, or do you want some food first?"
"Sleep," I gazed longingly at the big bed in the room, not even having the energy to try to make it back to my own room to sleep.
"You should eat something," Dimitri urged me.
"I'm fine, comrade. You need to ice your jaw before it swells up and you lose that pretty face." I grinned at him lazily. Having him help me through the darkness again, I felt like another little piece of me had healed. Not many could handle me when I was on the edge like that, but he could always bring me back.
Settling on a compromise, he offered, "I'll go get some ice and then bring you some food back."
I shrugged my shoulders, "Fine."
Smiling at me, Dimitri stood and then offered me a hand, pulling me to my feet, then guiding me to sit on the bed. Lissa hid her grin, though I felt her enjoying seeing us like this.
"I'll go get you some clothes to sleep in," She told me, slipping out of the room.
Dimitri gave me a look, "Don't fall asleep." Being sure to close the door after him, he went downstairs to get me food. I considered getting up to lock it but couldn't be bothered to get up from the bed to do so.
I laid back against the covers, letting my eyes close as I waited for them to return.
I woke up being gently shaken, "Come on, Roza. You can go back to sleep soon." Cracking my eyes open enough to see Dimitri looking down at me with a fond smile, "I said don't go to sleep."
"I was just resting my eyes. It's only been a minute." I mumbled.
"It's been half an hour." He moved out of view then returned with a plate, "Sit up so you can eat. Lissa left you some clothes as well."
Sure enough, glancing to the side of me were some folded clothes. She must have come in after I had fallen asleep. I pushed myself up, taking the plate from Dimitri. It was a simple ham and cheese sandwich, but with how hungry I was, it looked amazing. "How's everything downstairs?" I asked in between bites.
"Your parents left a little while ago after Lissa told them you were sleeping."
"Explains why it's so quiet now."
"Janine seems pretty upset," He started tentatively, watching my reaction, "She regrets what she said to you."
I narrowed my eyes, "Yeah? Did she tell you that herself?" His eyes dropped, making me scoff, "That's what I thought."
"Abe is talking to her tonight."
"Good, he can tell her to leave me alone," I muttered, shoving the rest of my sandwich in my mouth, not wanting to talk about this anymore. I snatched up Lissa's clothes and changed in the bathroom.
I was only mildly surprised that Dimitri was still on the bed when I came back out. He waved me over, so I climbed back on the bed to sit beside him. He took my hand in his and examined it, testing the movement of each knuckle, and did the same to the other hand.
The feeling of his rough hands on mine made me shiver. These hands that held so much power were always so gentle when touching me.
"How are you feeling?"
"Better. The charm is working," I glanced at the bracelet around my wrist, glad that it was a simple chain, though it was thin and wouldn't hold up well if I fought wearing it.
I felt his relief at my answer, some of the tension leaving his body as he massaged my hands. "That's good. Guess letting you fight it out worked."
I bit my lip, "Having you with me helped." I couldn't deny how much easier it was to handle the darkness when he was next to me. His happiness at my words flowed into me, making me smile.
I didn't want him to leave, but we weren't a couple yet. I had to remind myself that I wanted us to move slow. We hadn't even been on our date yet, and I'm pretty sure you're meant to have one of those before you ask them to sleep in the same bed as you.
Granted, Dimitri and I have already done that, and so much more.
I could feel his longing for me. He was enjoying our closeness just as much as I was.
He cleared his throat, "Would you like me to stay until you fall asleep?"
I looked up at him through my lashes. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was a good compromise. I nodded, not trusting my voice to not betray how much I wanted him with me.
Dimitri got up so that I could arrange myself on the bed, slipping under the blanket. He slipped off his shoes and then climbed in beside me, lying on top of the covers, hesitating for a moment before his arm went around me. With my head resting against his chest, there was just something that felt so right about it. Our bond was getting stronger, that was for sure, even though it seemed Dimitri still wasn't feeling it.
I could only hope it won't be much longer before he does.
I was lulled to sleep by his feelings of contentment and the calming sounds of his breathing. My dreams that night were filled with warmth, gentle smiles and soft caresses.
Next chapter is going to be a little shopping trip :D
