How to Text a Tsundere
by Newt Is My Shank
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: EMERGENCY! READ IMMEDIATELY!
SHINTAROUUUUUUU!
Oh my god oh my god oh my god I can't believe it OH MY GOD HUAOSIDHUASBCLAKSJBKA
Sorry, I think my last braincell just died there.
BUT!
SHINTAROU! GUESS WHAT!
!
I made two friends at the children's ward today! Not one. But two!
AND!
We had…..A CONVERSATION! I actually managed to converse to a human being that isn't our Kazunari! I spoke seven whole sentences to them! Seven!
I think their names were Haru-kun and his younger brother Hiro! We met after I trashed Kiyoshi-senpai at a game of Koi-Koi! (^_)〜 You're super duper proud of me, aren't you, Shintarou? Did you ever consider that I had the mental capacity to annihilate someone at such a refined, elegant game as Koi-Koi. No? HA! You have been deceived by the incredible and outstanding Ayase Izumi!
(I'm kidding, I love you Shintarou (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) don't hate me)
Anyways back to the point: we talked about a lot of adult topics today! Such as women, beatings of the myocardium towards people we deem really fucking attractive, sexual intercourse — well, you get the point! We had a scintillating conversation for a good ten minutes, and I feel like I just popped out of my mom's uterus for the first time from the abundance of knowledge I accumulated in that conversation!
For a fifteen-year-old, Haru-kun is extremely knowledgable — even though Hiro kept kicking him every time he uttered the layman term for a sexual organ — about the wonders of human anatomy and psychology! I was truly fascinated!
Who knew there were a dozen of so ways of engaging in coitus! Haru-kun's mother must be so proud of him for his extensive knowledge of the human anatomy. I would be too.
Also, Haru-kun was strangely insistent about asking me on whether or not I had a boy friend. I said of course I had boy friends! You and Kazunari are my boy friends, correct? (Please don't correct me I'll be extremely sad uhuhuhu) (╥ω╥)
Oops! Forgot that Satan Tsukasa is coming in for a check-up. Ugh…I hate it when he prods me with that stupid medical instrument of his. OHHH DID YOU KNOW THAT HE TOOK MY HARD EARNED PUDDING AWAY FROM ME? MY PUDDING. THE ONE I WON FROM KIYOSHI-SENPAI? THE AUDACITY, AMIRITE?
Ok I really have to go now bye ShinAHSDJAKBJCAK
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
Midorima Shintarou was — or what he liked to believe that he was — an extremely intelligent, calm young man.
He was never the type to lose his temper — except maybe towards Murasakibara, whenever Murasakibara did Murasakibara things. Or Takao, when he was being particularly annoying that day (which was everyday), or Akashi whenever he decided that it would be an excellent bonding exercise to force everyone on the Teikou team to run 100 laps around the school because someone — always one to think things through, to take a step back when things got heated to reflect and decide what move should he take next. He wasn't Akashi, who — quite literally — saw himself as some megalomaniacal chessmaster, and everyone else was his pawn. Midorima liked to think that while he wasn't all-seeing, that he was smart himself to slip himself from the cracks, to lose the sight of the chessmaster. To know when and where to avoid getting used and sacrificed….and yet somehow make it on the winning side.
In more simple terms, Midorima Shintarou was by full definition: a tactical pacifist. If he saw conflict and trouble, he stayed away from it as far as a thousand-foot-pole could reach. He was the complete opposite from his anomaly of an "acquaintance" Ayase Izumi, who not only got caught up in said messes, but went searching for it, like a bloodhound on the trail of a rather messy murder suspect. The building scaling incident was enough evidence to testify that.
(The ensuing headache Midorima received after finding out the extent of Izumi's injuries was also enough indication that his new found acquaintance was a pain in the ass.)
That being said, Midorima knew his days of a semi-peaceful, academic life were dwindling quicker than he thought they would from the day he was fated by the gods themselves to pair up with this anomaly of a girl. But despite this….anomaly…Midorima swore to be true to his ideals and character, to never panic or lose his cool no matter
Which meant that when his iconic frog green phone ding'ed while he was in the middle of lunch, while he was about to dive into a lovely lunch of suitable greens, protein and carbohydrates — he totally, absolutely, did not flip his fucking shit when he saw the subject message blinking back at him like a blaring neon sign in the ass dead of the night.
Haha.
Ha.
Ha.
Yeah, he totally lost it.
The second the words "EMERGENCY!" blinked onto his screen, Midorima instinctively dropped his chopsticks into his bento box, the utensils falling onto the surface with a loud clatter — Takao promptly flinching next to him at such an extreme reaction — and grabbed the phone and flipped it open. To his credit, he still maintained a calm and placid facade despite the sweat beading down his chin and the way his skin turned nearly shock white.
"Holy fucking shit Shin-chan are you alright?" Takao asked worriedly through a mouthful of hamburg steak — much to the disgust of his classmates, "is it bad? Did someone die?"
From the way Midorima reacted, Takao could've assumed his entire family died in a bloody, gruesome fire with no survivors. The Hawk Eye teen watched as his partner's face changed from panic, confusion, disgust, embarrassment and then exhaustion in a span of ten seconds. Honestly, it was a pretty impressive feat, in Takao's opinion. Takao continued observing in amusement as Midorima curtly closed his phone shut with an exasperated sigh.
And that was when Takao knew exactly who it was. Only one person in the entire universe could garner such a reaction from his usually cool-headed classmate, and it was — in Takao's opinion — the cutest, most dynamic girlie in the whole world!
"So….what did Izu-chan do this time?" Takao sniggered, shoving an octopus sausage into his mouth as Midorima completely ignored him (as usual) and immediately started typing (rather aggressively) onto his keypad, "tried to solicit a doctor so she could leave early? Ate three tubs of pudding? Skydived off the hospital rooftop?"
Midorima shot Takao a cold, scathing look at the last comment. If this was literally anyone else, they would've probably pissed their pants at the sight of an over 190cm giant staring them down like they were ants. But since the recipient of said glare was Takao, and he'd suffered the heat of those "Shin-Chan Scathing Glares" for literally every waking hour of the day, he was — for lack of better term — totally unfazed by it.
"….Ayase made some new…friends nanodayo."
Immediately, Takao's face brightened, cheeks puffing up in clear pride (and sausages). The green-haired shooting guard briefly likened the other teen to an adorable squirrel for a moment.
Wait. What? Did he just call Takao adorable? ADORABLE? TAKAO?
"I knew she could do it! Damn, Izu-chan got some character development," Takao bragged, looking as proud as a father at his daughter's elementary school graduation, "no wonder you looked like you pissed yourself. I would too, the hell."
Midorima spluttered.
"I did not look like I….whatever that vulgar term you just used." Takao mentally snorts and the pretty shade of red glowing on Midorima's cheeks. Oh, he was just so….innocent sometimes.
"Shin-chan, no offence, but you looked like you just found out that Oha-Asa was getting cancelled when Izu-chan e-mailed you," Takao relished in the completely affronted reaction from his teammate as Midorima instinctively went to grab his lucky item — a pastel blue dog plushie — and hugged it to his chest, as if trying to ward off every bad manifestation that came out of Takao's mouth.
Huh, now that I look closer, that dog really resembles a lot like Izu-chan….Takao contemplated, looking into the wide blue eyes of the plushie, noting the patches that looked like quilt stitching all over the plushie's body, as if it had gone through years of shit but the owner simply decided not to discard them, but fix them up every time they got hurt.
How Shin-chan of him….
"Sacrilegious! Never say that again Takao nanodayo," Midorima huffed, hugging the plushie even tighter, "and quite frankly, I don't see why I should be alarmed by the thought of Ayase engaging in social interaction. I was simply alarmed by the….context of her message."
Without asking, Takao peeked over Midorima's phone, noting the very eye-catching title of the email emanating from Midorima's phone screen, it took barely a matter of seconds for Takao's eyes to quickly scan the contents of the message before Midorima noticed and snatched the item away from his partner's nosy stare with a glare.
"C'mon, give her a break. They're probably her first friends aside from us, you know how she's like," Takao resumed eating, shoving salty, soft rice balls into his mouth, continuing to converse even while munching on his rice balls, "don't be too harsh on her yeah, Shin-chan? Telling her 'I don't see why such a basic human interaction would warrant such an alarming subject title' would probably hurt her feelings, y'know? Let her have this one."
Midorima 'hmph'ed, but Takao could tell when the other teenager gracefully conceded his point, when he quickly started backspacing the message in response to their new, chaotic friend.
"I am…surprised you're not questioning the topic matter of what Ayase and her new….'friends'…are discussing," Midorima grumbled.
Takao quirked an eyebrow.
"What? You mean sex? Well yeah, I'd rather Izu-chan not talk about sex stuff with another guy, but she's a curious girl, y'know? And she's a kid, like us. Who isn't interested about sex?"
Takao could clearly see when the faint pink shade on Midorima's cheeks quickly escalated to cherry tomato red, and the first-year point guard had to clench his abdominal muscles from busting a gut and probably getting drop kicked out of the classroom window by his giant of a teammate in response.
"Why? You want to give her the sex talk yourself? Shin-chan, you pervert!" Takao teased.
"NOIDON'TGASHDBJA—" Midorima spluttered indignantly, fist slamming the table, almost spitting out the red bean drink, "t-that's l-ludicrous, T-Takao n-nanodayo!"
"Maaa maa calm down Shin-chan," Takao cackled, reaching out from his pocket to hand Midorima a packet of tissues — which Midorima grudgingly snatched from his grasp — and leaning back to watch the flustered teenager hastily wipe the stain from the corner of his mouth, "I'm just saying….it would be a lot better on your mind if Izu-chan got the talk from you over some kid whose barely in high school, right? Like seriously, he's a punk. What would he know that you wouldn't?"
Takao knew he was playing a very dangerous game here, egging his best friend on. Midorima could either 1. take Takao's bait, which would not be the first time Midorima naively fell for one of Takao's plots or 2. beat the shit out of him with his life-sized Daruma statue, which would…also not be the first time that happened. But hell, this was fucking hilarious. This was better than any K-Drama on air right now!
"O-Of course, I would be far more k-knowledgable on the topic," Midorima stuttered, the blush on his cheeks now reaching his ears, making him look like rather ripe tomato, "I s-see, I shall r-reply to h-her inquiries instantly nanodayo. It would be detrimental if she were to take such advice from a prepubescent child…yes…yes of course…."
Takao had to pray to every god out there to not lose his cool right there and there when Midorima — in all earnesty — picked up his phone and began aggressively typing out a reply.
Oh ho ho, this should be good.
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: EMERGENCY! READ IMMEDIATELY!
Ayase,
First of all, I would greatly implore that you refrain from using such an alarming subject title in a message that is clearly neither 1. life-threatening or 2. an actual emergency, such as the death of a family or friend, or another injury you decided to inflict on yourself because you seem to attract trouble in all shapes and form, to my utter despair.
If you were to use such a title again that does not involve the two plausible reasons for such title, I would be inclined to block you permanently — as punishment for misusing emergency terms for situations that do not actually involve emergency notice. Please do not do it again.
It has also come to my notice that I should…congratulate you on making new interpersonal relationships. Takao said that this is a milestone for you, and I will incline to agree with him just this once. If you inform him of this, I shall never speak to you again. His inflatable ego needs no more inflating at this point of time.
Second of all, while I am….pleased that you are making new friends, I am uncomfortable at the thought of you absorbing such delicate, sensitive information about human anatomy and sexual relationships from a mere child. He could be feeding you life-threatening misconceptions, for all you're aware! Such topics should be held in a private, educational space with the proper tutelage. And if I must, I will offer my services to you on the subject matter once you are released from hospital care. I simply will not allow a young, impressionable teenager such as yourself to walk around with possible misinformation roaming in your brain as you go about in your life completely unaware of the nuances and knowledge of sexual education!
I have done extensive research on the topic myself, and I will share with you my 46 slide presentation and essay on the topic, if you wish to have a head start.
I shall take my leave now, Takao seems to be having a fit. I must watch and observe him writhing in agony.
- Shintarou
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Re: Re: EMERGENCY! READ IMMEDIATELY!
P.S. I forgot to mention that I would say that we are….friends. So yes, the boy is correct. Takao and I are your male friends. It puzzles me why your new friend seems to be pestering you in the dynamics of our purely platonic relationship.
P.P.S. Did you by per chance, inhale an encyclopedia? It disturbs and impresses me to see you converse with more….eloquence…than usual.
- Shintarou
To: Kazunari Takao
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: wtf is up with shintarou
Hey Kazu,
Mind telling me why I just received a message from Shintarou offering to give me a fucking powerpoint presentation on sex education.
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Takao Kazunari
Subject: Re: wtf is up with shintarou
JKNJNLAFSKJNKLJSJALKNLSL/?/
You should totally accept it, Izu-chan (◕‿◕) Shin-chan makes really pretty slides. (≧◡≦)
- Kazu ゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Takao Kazunari
Subject: Re: Re: wtf is up with shintarou
P.S. If you want I can totally come by and help out with Shin-chan's presentation. I'll even do it free-of-charge.ヽ(∀ )ノ For Izu-chan and Izu-chan only!
- Kazu ゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
To: Kazunari Takao
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: YOU USELESS GAY
AHSBJDHAJBJHSJB I HATE YOU PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Midorima Shintarou
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: Re: Re: Re: EMERGENCY! READ IMMEDIATELY!
Shintarou,
Oh wow golly gee thank you for the offer Shintarou ヽ(・∀・)ノ would you mind if I do a rain check on that?
Also, not to jump topic whatsoever, but what time do you think your game will end? You're up against this school….Seirin right? Will there be overtime? The Doc says I'll be discharged tomorrow, but I have to go through all that check-up crap again before I get dismissed in the evening and I really don't wanna miss out on the game o( )o I wanna see you and Kazunari go WOOSHHHH WOOOSH and PHEWWWWW and KAPOOWWW and I wanna hear the buzzers and shit! I even made a placard for you guys! I'm not going to show you yet, you might be too dazzled by my glorious masterpiece to even play. Kazunari might have seen it though. I tried my best to hide it from him but y'know his fucking eyes are better than perverts at a Twice concert.
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Midorima Shintarou
Subject: Schedule
Ayase,
I have attached to you a document of the schedule for the Inter High and Winter Cup preliminaries for future reference.
The chances of our match going into overtime is frankly speaking, impossible. Our victory will be quick and swift, so I suggest you try to be prompt so as to be present when we win. However, do not stress your wrist in your barbaric haste to watch our match. Takao reassures you that we will still be able to celebrate our inevitable victory afterwards, and I am sure that there will be recording of our match for you to view if you per chance happen to miss it in its entirety.
Lunch is ending. Please listen to Doctor Tsukasa and stop eating pudding. Takao will deliver your lucky item to you later. It is a Health Protection omamori. I hope you keep it close to you. It will no doubt serve to help you not just today, but in the future. Rest well, we will see you tomorrow.
- Shintarou
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Takao Kazunari
Subject: smooth
You need to work on your topic diversion skills, Izu-chan ( ´ ▽ ` ) you're lucky Shin-chan is kinda dumb. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) But that's what makes him cute hehe
- Kazu ゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
To: Kazunari Takao
From: Ayase Izumi
Subject: i hate you
In the words of Shintarou: Die, Takao (≧◡≦)
- Izumi ᕕ( ՞ ᗜ ՞ )ᕗ
To: Ayase Izumi
From: Takao Kazunari
Subject: ( ; ω ; )
FJKFNJAKJK Okay I kinda deserved that
- Kazu ゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Author's Note: It has been…..3 years…..I am so sorry for not updating hsjdbahjb I would've never posted this if I didn't feel like I wanted to see the outcome of this story I actually love this fic so much thank you for waiting everyone! I'm sorry if this isn't up to par, I haven't written in quite awhile. Hope it's still good for you guys! Please let me know if you guys still like the story!
