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Part 19
While I wanted to see Lissa in person, she was still locked down in place, surrounded by hoards of guardians, but at least she was with Christian. Jill was also there with her parents. Hans would be debriefing them and informing Lissa of the new arrangement soon. I would have to wait and call her from my room.
Dimitri was adamant that I lay down for a while, citing how much blood I had lost today. The painkillers they had given me earlier had all but worn off at this point, though I wanted to hold out as long as I could before taking more. While they kept me on the light stuff at the hospital, I was prescribed stuff that would definitely knock me out for a couple of hours.
The other reason I agreed just to call Lissa rather than go to her house was that I was still covered in blood. It will take a lot of scrubbing to get the blood out of my shirt and jeans. Luckily, they were just the spares I kept in my gym bag and not the ones I prefer to wear.
It wasn't until we were on our floor that I remembered that my room key was back at Lissa's.
Dimitri glanced over at me when I cursed. "What?" He asked, concern spiking thinking it was because of my injury.
"I left my key at Lissa's."
I would have to go get it unless I wanted Dimitri to break down my door again. Or… I patted down my pockets, thanking my past self for always leaving bobby pins in my pockets and forgetting about them. Dimitri arched an eyebrow when I crouched in front of my door.
"What are you doing?"
"Picking my lock," I explained without looking back at him.
"You know how to do that?"
I laughed, "How do you think I got into rooms to pull pranks at the academy?" I had perfected the art of picking locks breaking into Stan's room and the staffroom to steal the confiscated alcohol. However, it was harder to do it with just one arm.
Dimitri was nudging me out of the way, "Let me do it." He took the bobby pin and proceeded to pick the lock.
This time I was surprised, "Look at you, comrade."
"You aren't the only one that did things they shouldn't have at school," He told me with a scoff and a playful smirk that made my body flush.
And sure enough, he managed to unlock my door, pushing it open with a proud look in his eyes. I couldn't stop the smirk that pulled at my lips; Dimitri had a habit of surprising me like that. There was so much that I still didn't know about him, sides of him he kept concealed from me. Before the attack, he was starting to reveal more of himself to me, and I wanted to know everything.
"What are you two doing?"
I twisted to look over my shoulder to see Eddie. "Dimitri is showing me his hidden talents."
Dimitri rolled his eyes at me, giving me a hand up to stand, then steadying me when I swayed slightly. He may have been right about the blood loss.
"Holy shit, Rose," Eddie mumbled as he took in my bloody appearance. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital?"
"Yes, she should," Dimitri responded before I could.
I rolled my eyes, "I went. I got treated, and now I'm fine."
"You should be resting."
"I completely agree." My father's voice joined the conversation.
All three of us looked at the end of the hallway where my father stood next to his guardian, Pavel. Abe wore a grim expression, eyes taking everything in.
"I take it you were the one that was injured today?" Abe asked, stepping closer to me. They were trying to keep all the details under wraps, but an attack happening in the middle of Court was unlikely to be kept quiet for long.
I glanced at my bandaged arm, then back at Abe, "It's not bad, just a cut."
"Rose, you were stabbed. With a knife." Eddie's eyes were wide, he didn't take me belittling my injury well.
"Okay. It's a bit more than a cut. But I'm fine."
Abe stalked closer, eyes on Dimitri, "When you took off so suddenly, I was wondering why that could have been. I would have preferred hearing about this from one of you rather than through the radio."
My eyes flicked between the two of them, "Why were you with Abe?"
Dimitri's eyes locked on mine, expression serious. Then it clicked; he was there because of Victor. Abe said he would take care of everything, and Dimitri knew where all the evidence was.
"So, what can you tell me about the person that attacked you?" Abe steered the conversation away from the unpleasant topic.
I considered telling him that guardian's were already handling it, but Abe was a powerful man with a lot of connections. If anyone could find anything, it was him. So I explained what happened, about the Moroi and how he knew how to fight.
Abe was stroking his beard in thought, "Who do you think they were after?"
I shrugged, "Either Lissa or Jill. There was a reason for them both, but I'm pretty sure they are working with whoever broke into the Alchemists building and took the records. They obviously don't want Lissa on that council, and taking out either one would do that."
I noticed Eddie's eyes hardened. No one liked knowing that someone was trying to harm their charge.
"I will look into it. Maybe I can find something that the guardian's missed."
I didn't take offence to Abe's lack of faith in the guardians, though Dimitri bristled; I was still pissed about Guardian Collins' terrible job from today. "Well, while you do that, I'm going to shower and try to contact Sydney and see if there is anything new."
Dimitri was hesitant to leave me on my own but didn't want to overstep more than he already had. Both he and Eddie had offered to call them if I needed any help before going to their own rooms. Eddie gave me a look when he realised that Dimitri's room was next to mine but didn't comment on it before heading to the stairs to go upstairs to his floor.
Abe didn't leave, "Could I speak to you for a moment?"
I shrugged, waving him into my room. Pavel stayed out in the hallway, giving us some privacy. I couldn't help thinking of yesterday when my other parent had been in here yelling at me.
I crossed my arm over my stomach, asking, "What's up?"
"I had no idea what Janine's plans were. If I had, I would have spoken to her first," He got straight to the point, "She wants to talk to you again, hopefully with better results this time."
I scowled, "I'm already having a bad week. I rather not have her adding to it again."
"Sonya explained to us the effect of Lissa's spirit一her darkness一and how it affects you. Your mother is worried about you. We both are."
I leant against my kitchen counter, "I'm dealing with it."
He raised his eyebrow, "By threatening to break a guardian's arms?"
I narrowed my eyes, "He was saying shit about Dimitri. Besides, I wouldn't have been that close to losing it if Janine didn't come here and start telling me off like a child." I spat, "She hasn't been here. She doesn't know what's going on with me."
Abe was unaffected by my attitude, taking it all in stride. "She wants to."
"Yeah, well, maybe she should try picking up the phone first." I pushed away from the counter. This conversation wasn't helping my mood; the loss of my charmed bracelet was more noticeable now that I didn't have Dimitri with me. I didn't mention it to Dimitri, not wanting to worry him, but I would need another charm to help with the darkness. I would have to get a sturdier chain than what Lissa gave me yesterday.
"Look, I'm tired. Can we talk about this later?" I rubbed my forehead. I was too irritated to discuss it now, knowing it would just end up in another screaming match, and I didn't want to do that with both of my parents.
Thankfully, Abe didn't push the matter anymore. With a nod and a kiss on my forehead, he was at my door. "I'll let you know if I find anything," With that, he was gone.
I had showered and changed clothes before I called Lissa. The shower had been tricky with just one hand, not wanting to get the stitches wet. By the time I had Lissa on the phone, I was in pain and exhausted.
We didn't talk for long, just me informing her I was fine and of Hans' order. She had been squealing so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear, though it did put a smile on my face from her excitement. After she had calmed, Lissa told me how the Queen had ordered both Lissa and Jill to stay in Lissa's townhouse until Jill was announced in three days.
Jill was also being given another two guardians for extra protection. I just hoped that whoever was doing this didn't have any more plans; hopefully, this last one failing would make them back off for a while.
Ending the call, I didn't have the energy to call Sydney, instead, sending her an email asking for an update. The sun was only just lighting the sky when I took my painkillers and made myself comfortable. It didn't take long for the drug to take effect and pull me into a deep sleep.
It was dark and cold.
The atmosphere was near suffering, like the air was weighted, pressing on me with each breath. I trudged through the darkness, hoping to find a way out of here. After a couple of steps, I heard it.
Someone was crying.
They were so distraught. The anguish in their cries pulled at my heart.
I have to help them.
It didn't take me long to find the source of the noise. It was like a spotlight had been shined on them; their crouched form seemed so small in the vast darkness. Their body shook with each sob, practically lying on the ground with their head resting on their fist.
I took a step closer only to stop. I knew who was crying.
It was Dimitri.
I was so confused. Why was Dimitri here? Why was he crying?
I studied his broken form, seemingly unaware of me behind him. Slowly, I could see more, just beyond him. At first, it was just a shadow, but then I could make out the shapes and the colours; and then the details.
I inhaled sharply, stepping back from the shock as my eyes widened, taking in the sight before me.
It was a pile of bodies.
Each one with lifeless eyes, mouth agape, some with their expression frozen in horror. Each was covered in blood and bites. Some were more gruesome like they had been toyed with before they died.
The bodies looked as if they were tossed carelessly onto the pile. The number of them was staggering.
It was like all their blood had seeped from their wounds, running in rivers straight to Dimitri. Only then did I notice that he was crouched in a pool of their blood.
These were his victims.
I covered my hand with my mouth, a small gasp escaping before I could stop it.
Somehow, over the broken wails of Dimitri, the sound of my gasp carried to him. His form froze, tensing almost unnaturally. I couldn't move from my spot as he rose to sit up. His head inched to look over his shoulder at me.
Dimitri's mouth was covered in blood, staining his chin and down his neck, and his cheeks glistened with the tears he had been shedding. But his eyes一there was so much pain in them. So much regret.
His breath was ragged, eyes locked on mine. "R-Roza…" He sounded so lost, nothing like the strong man I had become so used to.
I was unable to form words, my voice not working. Even my body refused to budge.
More tears fell from his eyes, "Why did I do this? Why did I hurt so many people?" He turned back to the bodies一the victims.
Suddenly all of his emotions hit me, feeling like the air was knocked out of me, sending me to my knees. It was so much that it brought tears to my eyes.
I have to wake up. Dimitri was suffering, and he needed me.
Wake up, Rose. Wake up! WAKE UP!
I sprung up in bed, breath coming out as short pants. It took a second for the dream to return to me, Dimitri's dream. We were sharing dreams again, and Dimitri was stuck dreaming about everyone he hurt as Strigoi. I could still feel his emotions swirling together like poison within him.
I threw back my blanket and was out of my room, knocking on his door. "Dimitri. Let me in," There was no response so I knocked again.
I knew he was awake as well now, trying to push down his emotions so I couldn't feel them anymore.
"Come on, comrade. I know you are in there. You either let me in, or I will pick this lock." I didn't want to force my way in like that, but there was no way I was going to leave him alone. I was about to find another bobby pin when I heard movement from his room.
The door opened just enough for me to see a sliver of his body, his face hidden behind the door. "Rose, I'm fine. I'm sorry for waking you," He tried to keep the emotion from his voice, but I could hear the tremor in it.
He tried closing the door on me; I caught it with my hand. "No, you aren't. Please let me in, Dimitri."
I pushed on the wood of the door, expecting Dimitri to hold his ground, but instead, he allowed it to open enough for me to slip through. As soon as I was in his room, his back was to me, walking to the foot of his bed, picking the covers off the ground where he must have thrown them while sleeping.
I hadn't been in his room before; it was the same set-up as mine with a kitchenette, a bathroom and a closet. A bed in the middle by a single window. He had no curtain covering his, letting the sunshine into the otherwise dark room.
On his bedside table were the books I gave him, the family photos, and my letter.
"I'm sorry you had to see that."
Dimitri's deep voice pulled my attention. I just realised that he was shirtless; the hard muscles of his back tensed, almost painfully so. I hesitated for a moment before stepping closer, hand out, reaching for him.
"It's okay."
His head whipped over his shoulder, eyes flashing dangerously. "No, it's not!" Moving away from me and to the window, he sighed deeply, like he carried the weight of the world. And it felt like he did.
I stepped closer again. "I know," I told him softly.
Carefully, I sent soothing waves through the bond, not a lot, but enough to ease his turmoil. He fought it at first but slowly gave in.
"You know," I started, "I've been thinking about how I haven't been pulled in your dreams, really. And I think I know why. You aren't sleeping, are you?" It had occurred to me with how exhausted he always looked, that he wasn't. And from the tension returning to him, I knew I was right.
"It's fine -"
My fingers brushed against his skin, coming to rest on the small of his back.
His breath hitched.
"It's not fine," When he didn't pull away, I pressed my palm flat against his back, letting it slide up to his shoulder. "Look I know things are different between us and we are still working everything out. But I still love you, Dimitri, and I'm not going to ignore your pain when I know I can help."
He wasn't expecting me to admit my feelings for him, the joy at those three words was still buried under the guilt, but it helped ease its intensity.
Dimitri's skin was so warm under my touch, almost burning. He was so filled with life, a stark contrast to how his skin felt under mine in Siberia.
My hand trailed down his arm to his wrist, tugging at it, so he turned towards me. He kept his head tilted down, hair covering his features, keeping them hidden from me. Rather than forcing him to look at me, I guided him to his bed. I felt his uncertainty as I climbed onto the mattress, pulling him to lay down beside me, to lay his head on my chest. It was like how we laid together at Lissa's.
"I know it helps you sleep when I'm close," I spoke in a soft voice, "because it helps me sleep when I have you close as well." I kept soothing him, fingers moving from his hair down his spine and then back up.
It took a couple of minutes for him to relax against me. Occasionally his breath would hitch like he was holding back a sob; the wetness I could feel seeping through my shirt told me he was crying. I didn't say anything, just holding him and giving him comfort while he worked through the remnants of his dream.
His hand, which had been wrapped around my waist, shifted until his fingers lightly grazed my bandaged arm. "Is that what it always feels like for you?" He asked. "It hit so suddenly that I didn't know what to do at first. But I knew it was you, somehow, I just knew."
"At first it was like that, but now it's always there in the back of my mind. It's only when you have really intense emotions that it would hit suddenly." As they had in the dream, it felt like I was hit by a truck; they were so powerful.
He was silent for a moment before whispering, "I'm sorry."
I lifted my head so I could press my lips to his hair, "You need to stop apologising for things you have no control of, comrade."
We laid like that for a while, neither quite ready to fall asleep again, instead just embracing each other. I could feel the emotion the dream had brought to the surface fade, though they were still there.
The sight of the bodies was still fresh in my mind, as were his words. The sounds of his cries. He was still holding so much in, hiding it all behind a brave face.
I broke the silence. "You need to forgive yourself, Dimitri."
Dimitri stiffened, about to respond, but I spoke first.
"I know. You said that you weren't punishing yourself anymore, but that's not forgiving yourself. I can feel all this guilt you hold and I know that sometimes you feel like you're drowning in it. You need to forgive yourself. You had no control, just like I didn't with Victor. You have to forgive yourself and move on for there to be any future for you," It was hard to tell him this, but he needed to hear it. "Or a future for us."
As long as this was holding him back, then we couldn't move forward, with or without the bond connecting us.
His emotions flared again, this time with fear and sorrow. I rubbed his back, trying to console him.
"I think… I think that's why the bond is blocked for you." I explained my theory, "I think you have so much guilt still that it's buried under it and I can't reach you." My voice broke, my sorrow coming through, but I continued, "You don't need to say or do anything right now. Just think about it okay. I want to be with you Dimitri, completely."
He was taking in my words, his hold tightening around me. "I want to be with you, Roza," He told me, his voice still so small.
"I know," I pressed another kiss to his hair. "Just sleep. I'll be here."
I continued to soothe him through the bond, his body relaxing enough that eventually, he fell asleep. Head still resting against me, arms wrapped around my waist. As I lay there watching the sun moving across the sky, I wondered if Dimitri would ever be able to move past all of this.
Poor Dimitri, but it's okay, Rose can help.
The next chapter is going to have some cute moments :3 Maybe even some developments for our favourite couple ;)
