Holden and I saw Mom writing to you again the other day. She told us it helps her to be close to you, more than usual. She said something about a ritual you two had back in high school. So I decided to try to write to you, too. If Mom does it all the time, it must mean it works, right?

Umm…Is it normal that I feel weird doing it? I don't know, I feel weird, but I think I like this weird. Not weird like Pete Kelley spitting on walls kind of weird, just a good weird.

Holden is in the den, racing the miniature blue car you got him for his birthday forever ago. He doesn't know I'm writing you, and I bet he'd try it too the minute he'd hear I'm doing it. My brother never stops copying me, I swear! It's like yesterday morning, he saw me slipping a note in Mom's vest. Well today, I caught him putting one in her purse. I wasn't mad because it was cute. He doesn't like to write, you know that. It is totally like me and ducks, and you know how much I hate those little yellow thingies. But he still wrote something to Mom. He didn't tell me what he wrote but I'm sure it was something along the lines of "Mom, it's my birthday next week.", like we can forget about it, he talks about it all the time! Anyway, whatever the note was, I know Mom liked it because she bought us two giant banana ice creams when she picked us up at school. She told us it was her favorite ice cream flavor of all time. People thought it was cookie dough, but only you knew it wasn't. She even told us that after a fight you guys had about HDM or something, you sent letters and mixtapes to her everyday. (Talking about stalking habit, Dad) Anyway, after one week of silent treatment, one day, she stopped receiving anything. And that night, you just went to her apartment with a banana ice cream and at the end of the night, "you completed her". I don't know what it means but I am sure it rocked because she forgave you. Yeah, you were a cool kid back then, Dad.

I like when Mom talks about what you guys used to do when you were young. Even if sometimes I have a hard time believing what she says. I mean, come on, like we're going to believe Aunt Hales, Aunt Peyt and she went to jail. I know Holden's favorite story is the one when Mom made you climb on that hill with her on your back when she faked twisting her ankle. I don't know what is mine, there are so many stories – and I'm sure there are some she hasn't told us yet. I think I love them all cause I just like when she talks about you. It makes her smile.

I think I like writing to you. Mom was right. I wish I will become just like her when I'll be older because she knows all, she's like God, except she is a woman. She's a God woman. Ugh, it sounds weird. What's the feminine of God? I'll look it up in the dictionary later. Anyway whatever it calls, she's like that. And she's pretty, too. Andie and Kayla say that I got like, the prettiest coolest mom ever. I think they're jealous because they don't like their mom. I'm glad that my mom is Mom. Because I know she loves me and Holden more than chocolate. And that means like, a lot! She says it all the time. And sometimes when I'm sad, she knows it and she comes to talk to me and if I'm still sad, she'll just do the most stupid things to make me laugh again. She's that cool!

Mom's funny, I like her when she's funny. It's like this time when she threw rocks on Uncle Nate's gym door. And she told me to help her and when he got out to see who did it, we ran towards the bushes and hid there for at least 20 minutes. She told me to never say anything about that to anyone, but I guess I can tell you. I mean, it's not like you didn't know, I heard her telling you when we got home that afternoon. That's when I realized that I was glad I was smart. She doesn't know I know she told you, it will be our secret okay Dad?

Do you think I could be a model and a mechanic when I'll be a grown up? When we went to the Saturday's dinner at Aunt Hales and Uncle Nate's house, Ryder said I can't because it's too different. I told Mom in the car and she told me that if I want, it can work because sometimes different things can be cool together. Like you and Mom, you guys were, like, way different too, and you worked great together. She told me about the time when you help her when she had to make dresses. She even showed us the picture of you when you modeled for her in one of her light blue dress. I gotta say dad, you looked good in it! No wonder I'm so pretty in a dress with the Mom and Dad I got. Mom's right, you worked well together. I mean, you made me that pretty, and, well, I guess Holden can be cute, too. You guys rock!

Mom says I look more and more like you, but with her hair, eyes and dimples. Holden has your eyes, they're so pretty. I like my eyes because they're like Mom's and like totally awesome because their color changes, but I wish I'd have had one from you and one from Mom. Like one blue, one hazel! Now that would be cool. Mom says that she sees you in both of us. Holden has your hands and I got your smile. We're like pieces of you.

I wish you haven't left us. I know why you're not here, but I wish you were. Not just for me, and not only because I miss you Dad, like, really really miss you. Like when we were going to the swings, you would always carry me on your shoulder when I was tired of walking, and when we were preparing Holden's birthday, we would find special places to hide his presents, and when we killed the monster under my bed with your scarf and my Nurse Barbie and when we were sneaking to the mall behind Mom's back to get her a surprise pear cake when she had a bad day at work. I miss having a dad and doing all that stuffs with you. I miss you as big as the sky.

But I wish you were here because Mom would stop crying. I remember after you left, Mom, Holden and me were sleeping together in your room. I loved it. I didn't want Mom to be alone so one night, I went to her room, and there already was Holden on the bed. I was crying because you were gone and Holden was crying because Mom and I were crying. I was a little jealous of him because he wasn't really realizing that our Dad wouldn't come back. He was just sad that we were really sad. Mom held us really tight until we stopped crying. She was always in between Holden and me. She said it was because she could keep both of us closer to her, but I think it was because she was scared we would leave her too. We were using her as a pillow, I always had my legs on her, and Holden would always take her for his giant Tigger Sebastian. I still don't get why he called it Tigger Sebastian. I'm sure it's because he heard it when Mom and Aunt Peyt watched that oldie movie Cruel Intentions.

Now, I sleep in my room, Mom made Aunt Peyt paint my room with all those cool stuffs on the walls. It's funny to try to guess what the drawings mean. And Holden sleep most of the nights in his room. He keeps saying he's a loner just like you, and that he likes sleeping alone but I know sometimes he ends up with Mom. And once in awhile, we have this huge pillow fight and tickle fest in the night and we end up falling asleep together like before.

Mom is better, too. She smiles every time I try to get her buy me a new skirt, she even laughs every time Holden tries to dance. She keeps saying he dances like you. I guess you weren't a great dancer because Holden sucks at dancing. I'm glad I took the dancing skill from Mom. And some Thursdays, she has what she calls 'girls night' with Aunt Hales and Aunt Peyt. They make what they do like a big secret but I know they buy tons of ice cream, chocolate and does like a slumber party. So those nights, Holden and I eat pizza with Uncle Nate, Uncle Jake, Jenny, Jewel, Ryder and Josh while watching cartoons and playing poker. When she comes to get us in the morning, she always says that it would be her last 'girls' night' ever. But I know she secretly likes sugar hung over.

I hear her at night sometimes. I hear her crying sometimes. I hear her talking to you like you were still here. I don't think she's crazy. I just think she misses you a lot. She doesn't say it, she doesn't tell us, but I know she does. She just doesn't want us to be sad and see her sad. She talks about you everyday. She looks at your pictures everyday, too.

I know she's scared. 2 Sundays ago, we went to see Grandma K – yeah, Holden still calls Grandma Karen like that so the nickname stayed. Some things will never change, right? Well, that day, I heard Mom and Grandma talking. I know, I'm my Mom's daughter with her eavesdropping habits, but it's not my fault if each time I want to grab a club sandwich in the kitchen, people are having conversations. Mom was saying how she was scared that Holden and I will slowly forget about you. She was worried especially for Holden because he doesn't have as many memories of you as I do.

But she doesn't have to worry or be scared. I know I will never forget you, Dad. I think about you everyday. And I know Holden keeps a picture of you under his pillow. We love you, Dad. And it doesn't matter if you're not here to say it, I know you love us. Because we couldn't love you as much as we do if you weren't feeling the same way. We don't have you anymore, but we have Mom, and that's enough. She loves us for both of you. It's almost as if you were here. She's always reading to us that book with the boy whose name is the same as Holden. She says that she reads it for you, too. Because she knows you're with us.