So sorry for the wait between chapters, the cold took me out for a couple of days, and then, if you are in any fandom groups with me on FB or follow my Instagram, you will have seen I've become obsessed with drawing fanart for VA. Including this fancy little cover art pic :3
Sisi Stringer even liked the drawings so I had a fangirl moment for a couple of hours which was great.
But anyway, I am back, yet again, and chapters should be getting posted regularly again. At this rate, there could be anywhere from 5 to 15 more chapters for this story. Getting close now :D
Part 25
While I had been counting down the hours for my shift to finish so I could go speak to Sonya, I was pleasantly surprised when she and Mikhail came to visit Lissa. With Sonya being acquitted and a free Moroi again, Mikhail is officially her personal guardian. A fact that had obviously made them both extremely happy, Mikhail with an extra bounce in his step and a fond smile that he keeps directing to Sonya whenever their eyes meet.
Sonya beelined for me almost as soon as she entered the room, hands clasping mine as her eyes examined my aura, lips tilting down in a frown. "Something is bothering you."
I shouldn't be surprised; Sonya had never been one to beat around the bush. I nodded, "Yeah, I found out something yesterday."
Lissa's attention had moved to us, confusion coming through the bond as to why I hadn't mentioned anything to her. "Is it about the darkness?" Her voice started to wavier as guilt weighed on her.
I shook my head, "No. It's about the bond between Dimitri and me."
A flicker of something passed over Sonya's eyes, sharing a look with Mikhail. She knew.
I narrowed my eyes, "You knew, didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded, dropping Sonya's hands.
"What did she know, Rose?" Lissa questioned, glancing between Sonya and me.
"Yesterday, when I was waiting for you after the Council meeting, Adrian told me that the bond was blocked on my side. Not Dimitri's." I levelled a look at Mikhail and Sonya, irritated that they knew but never said anything to me. "Have you known this whole time?"
Sonya had the decency to look guilty, "It wasn't my place. It was something you needed to figure out yourself."
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "This whole time, I've been blaming Dimitri, and it's been me."
Lissa was bewildered by the conversation, seeking clarification, "Rose is blocking the bond? How? How can you tell?"
I clenched my fists. I realise that Lissa was curious, but I didn't appreciate her trying to turn this into a learning moment.
"If you watch their auras, they reach for each other, Dimitri's would connect, but Rose's doesn't," Sonya explained.
I remembered back to what I saw through Lissa's eyes, our auras reacting to each other and reaching, but I had pushed myself out of her mind before they touched. "But why wouldn't they connect?"
"Something is stopping you from letting it happen," Sonya replied carefully, giving me a meaningful look. She wanted me to figure it out myself rather than give me the answers.
I glanced at her, "If I'm blocking it, how can he feel the bond sometimes?"
"You are connecting and then closing it off again."
Was that why it was so random when he did feel it? My stomach twisted into knots. This whole time I had been thinking it was Dimitri, watching him struggle with the idea that it was because of him. When really, it was all my fault, again.
I stared down at the ground as the guilt welled up in me. "But why?" I asked in a small voice.
Lissa gasped, "Because he rejected you."
I spun on my heel, fist clenched at my side, "He didn't reject me!"
Lissa's eyes widened, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
I shook my head, taking deep breaths to push the anger down. "No. I know. I'm sorry."
It was just the darkness. Let it go, Rose.
I started pacing to give my body something to do, using the energy vibrating through my limbs. As much as I deny it, Dimitri had rejected me, almost to the point of breaking the bond and nearly killing me. I remember it becoming so bad that I had shut down, determined for Dimitri to never be able to hurt me again. What if that was what caused the block? I wanted him never to get close to me again.
Oh god. It's true.
The realisation hit me like a truck, barely managing to reach the couch before my knees gave out on me.
Each time Dimitri and I got close, I would always pull back. Scared he was going to hurt me again.
"I did this."
Sonya was next to me, rubbing my back in a calming motion, "Rose, what you went through was traumatic. The breaking of a bond affects people in many ways. This is just your mind trying to protect yourself."
I dropped my head into my hands, trying to conceal the tears that were building. All this time, and it's because I was scared. I kept putting distance between us each time, letting Dimitri blame himself.
I huffed, sounding like a broken laugh. Guess I was still hurting the people I cared about.
Lissa joined me on my other side, "Rose, don't let this affect you too much. Now you know what's wrong, you can fix it."
I tilted my head, glancing at her, "I don't even know how to fix it. I didn't even realise I was doing it."
"Only you can break through the block, Rose," Sonya told me, tone gentle, "You just need to figure out why you put the block there and what you need to heal that part of you."
Mikhail, who had been quiet since the topic was brought up, spoke, "You need to talk to Dimitri, Rose. He can help you move past it if you let him."
Somehow in trying to get answers to make everything clearer, it all became more confusing. I didn't even know I could make a block like that. In trying to protect myself from being hurt, I caused another rift between us. Another obstacle keeping us apart from one another.
Mikhail was right that I needed to speak to Dimitri, though I dreaded it because it would just add to his guilt. Sure, it means that it isn't because of him being unable to feel it, but instead, because he had hurt me when he couldn't feel anything.
Maybe being healed, having all that spirit going through his body, had numbed the bond, and he just couldn't feel it. Then when he started to feel again, I had already cut it off.
I had thought I could trust Dimitri with my heart, and he would never do anything to hurt it, but then he did. Can I take that chance again?
A leap of faith I was terrified to take.
Lissa had tried to pull me into conversation after Sonya and Mikhail had left, but my mind was muddled. I could only focus if I pushed everything from my mind and focused solely on my duties. Which meant I stayed standing against the wall, constantly vigilant.
While Christian wasn't there for our conversation, Lissa must have told him, either in person or through their bond. He kept shooting me sympathetic looks; I avoided his gaze.
Sage had come over towards the end of my shift, ready to go over the plan for Lissa's trip to Lehigh tomorrow. We would be leaving at 4 am, just as the sun was rising, so we had the daylight for travelling and then for the tour.
Rather than take the risk of travelling in the dark, we will be staying at a safe house for the night, then leave again with the sunrise. Because Lissa is a princess and now also a member of the Council, she will be accompanied by six guardians, including me, Sage, and Sables.
I was both excited and apprehensive about the trip. It would be my first guarding trip as Lissa's official guardian, but I still doubted the threat to Lissa being neutralised. If someone could get close to her in the shops at Court, there's no telling what someone could do outside of Court.
Sage allowed me to ask questions about the security measures, indulging me no doubt. I was glad he didn't take offence to me double-checking everything, unlike Sables, who sneered at me and rolled his eyes.
Sage smirked with a shake of his head, "Dimitri warned me you would have questions, but I didn't think you would be so thorough."
I felt myself flush, realising I may have been overstepping. Sage was my superior, and I was basically questioning everything he had decided. "Sorry. It's just with Lissa I want to be sure she's safe."
"No, it's good. You asked a lot of questions that not many would think of asking. It shows you're dedicated." Sage told me, easing my worries. "I can see why Dimitri praises you so much," He winked at me, bringing my blush back in full force.
Dimitri talks about me?
Sage laughed at my reaction, patting me on the shoulder, "Don't worry, it's all good things." He paused, "Mostly."
I groaned. "I'm going to have to talk to him about sharing tales about me," I grumbled. I was curious as to what he told other guardians. Was it stories of our training? Maybe the battle? At least I knew Dimitri wouldn't say anything that would reflect badly on me.
"Well, you can ask him all about it tomorrow," At my confused expression, Sage explained, "Take the day off to rest so that you are in top shape when we leave tomorrow night. You will be Lissa's near guard, so I want you focused and not exhausted from doing a double shift."
While I was sure I could do it, I was grateful I didn't have to pull a double. I thanked Sage and then went to say goodbye to Lissa. My shift was over, and I could finally sit down and figure out what to do about the whole me blocking the bond from Dimitri thing.
It made sense why I did it, wanting to protect myself. I could still remember the agony I felt; those days spent feeling like my heart had been ripped out, thinking I could never experience the love we had again.
Even with Dimitri proving himself to me every day since returning to Court that he still loved me, part of me didn't trust him. I had to figure out how to convince that part of me that he was committed.
When I told Lissa I was leaving, she was quick to pull me into a hug, squeezing me tightly. "Talk to Dimitri. I'm sure you will figure everything out." She whispered into my ear, sending encouragement through the bond. With one last squeeze, she let me go.
Feeling more confident, I went to find Dimitri.
I ran back to my room first, wanting to change out of my uniform and refresh myself after a twelve-hour shift. As soon as I got close to the building, I knew that Dimitri wasn't there, unable to feel him close by. When I reached my room, I found out why.
Before Dimitri left this morning, he decided to leave me a note and another flower.
Today is my first shift guarding the perimeter. I won't be finished until late.
I enjoyed this morning.
- D
Thinking of our make-out session this morning brought heat to my cheeks, my whole body flushing warm and feeling butterflies in my stomach. After so long of going without his affection, his kisses, I wanted so much more.
Just the memory of his lips pressed against mine made my knees feel like jelly and that giddy smile from this morning returned to my face.
I eyed the third flower in my makeshift vase; if Dimitri kept bringing me flowers, my small glass was going to get overfull.
The buzzing of my phone broke me from my thoughts, glancing down to a text from my father. Shit. I forgot I was meant to meet them today.
I hurriedly changed clothes and then ran over to my father's room. It was neutral ground for my mother and me, my father to be a mediator between us. I would have liked to have Dimitri with me for being around Janine, the darkness was making itself known again, and Dimitri helped me keep a level head. For the most part.
At least I could ask some questions about the Moroi man they found that had attacked us and left me with a new scar on my arm.
I knocked on the door, hooking my thumbs into the pockets of my jeans to stop myself from fiddling. There were so many ways this whole meeting could go wrong. The last time my mother and I even spoke, it had some explosion results that Dimitri ended up taking the brunt of.
The door opened to reveal my father, giving me a warm smile in greeting. "Nice of you to join us."
I smiled back apologetically, "Been a long day." My lack of sleep was definitely letting itself be known, and the idea of just calling it a night was more appealing with each minute.
"Is everything okay with the Princess?"
I turned to find my mother standing by the window, sunlight shining in through the partially opened curtains. I grimaced at both seeing her and at the fact that her first thought was about Lissa rather than me.
"She's fine," I replied in a cold tone. I ventured into Abe's kitchen, searching through the fridge. As much as I could use some alcohol for this conversation, I didn't want to face the judgement from Janine, choosing a soft drink instead. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Abe had moved to take a seat on the sofa, crossing his legs as he leant back and observed the both of us, calculating glint in his eyes as he tried to decide how to proceed. "Straight to the point then. Your mother-"
"We." Janine cut Abe off, shooting him a look.
"We," Abe amended, "have some questions about what your plan was in regards to Dimitri."
I stared at Janine, "Why is that any of your concern?" I kept my voice even. Of course, this was about Dimitri.
"It's of our concern, Rosemarie, because what you decide will affect your entire future," Janine told me, coming to stand beside Abe as if they were a united front. From the look in Abe's eyes, he wasn't as bothered by it as Janine was, having already promised me he would support whatever decision I made.
I crossed my arms, staying in the kitchen rather than joining them by the lounge. "And that is my choice to make."
"Why do you always have to be so difficult?" Janine sighed, mirroring my stance. "We are your parents, and we are trying to help you before you destroy your career."
"You're my parents," Absent ones, but they were still my parents, "that means you get an opinion, but I don't have to listen to it."
Janine turned to Abe as if asking for help, but Abe remained silent. "First, you go off on some party trip with the Princess, then insult the Queen, and then you are attacking guardians at the gym. You aren't at St. Vladimir's anymore. This kind of behaviour won't slide here. And your relationship with Dimitri when he used to be-"
My temper spiked, "He's used to be what? Strigoi? That has nothing to do with the good man he is!" My anger was rising to the surface.
I won't stand and take it her insulting my soulmate.
Janine's cheeks flushed, with embarrassment or anger, I wasn't sure. "I was going to say your mentor, and he is older than you."
I scoffed, "There are so many soulmate couples that have a larger age gap than Dimitri and me. And, he isn't my mentor anymore."
Her eyes narrowed, "I know something was going on between you two at the academy. After the caves and then you running off to Russia, anyone could figure it out. If someone does, then what? Do you realise how that will reflect on you!"
I groaned, trying very hard to keep myself from marching across this room and punching her in the face. It would be a nice payback for the black eye she gave me for Christmas. I knew it was the darkness encouraging me to resort to violence, but I was having a hard time not agreeing with it this time.
"How about we all take a breath," Abe stood from the chair, giving Janine a pointed look, "We agreed we would talk to her, but what you are doing is not that." Turning to me, "And, Rose, your mother, is just worried. We aren't trying to tell you what to do."
"It sure as hell sounds like it!" I yelled back. My anger had risen, and it was hard to rein it back in. "Even if anyone did question our relationship, we are soulmates! We are meant to be." I hadn't really spoken those words out loud to anyone, surprising myself with how true they felt.
"Soulmates will do nothing but make you weak!" Janine cried, stalking closer to me. "I heard of what happened when he rejected you. You almost died because of your attachment to him. What makes you think he even wants you? Surely if he did, he wouldn't be rejecting you!"
If she wasn't yelling at me, I might even be able to believe that Janine actually cared about me, worried about my wellbeing. But I knew better. "You don't understand it, do you! You don't understand how much Dimitri loves me, what he's done for me. You're just pissed because you never had a soulmate!" I had moved closer to my parents as I argued, chest heaving.
Janine scoffed at me, "I had a soulmate, Rosemarie, and I knew better than to let them hold me back."
I jerked back in surprise. I knew people rejected soulmates all the time, but the way my mother said it as if she was proud of her decision.
"I knew what I wanted, and that was to be the best guardian I could be. I wasn't going to let anything deter me from that."
My eyes narrowed, "Yeah, I'm well aware of how you put your job above everything else."
Abe, who had become pensive at Janine's admittance of rejecting her soulmate for her career, put himself between us. "I think that's enough-"
"It is enough," I cut him off, levelling a glare at my mother, "I've had enough of you. Stay the fuck away from me and Dimitri. You have no say in what I do with my life."
Her eyes narrowed, "Don't be an idiot, Rose. He will just drag you down."
I spun on my heel, refusing to look back when Abe called after me, then hearing him turn on Janine. I slammed the front door behind me, marching out of the guest housing.
It's always a toss-up for me on whether I want to make Janine likeable in my stories. Often not, I don't haha
