Part 26
My whole body was shaking. Fists clenched so tight that my nails were breaking the skin of my palms. The pain was the only thing that grounded me.
I wanted to go back to the suite and punch my mother in the face. I wanted to scream at her all the reasons why she was wrong.
She didn't know!
What Dimitri and I had wouldn't make me weak; he made me stronger. He helped make me the person I am, the guardian I am. He did more for me than Janine ever did.
And yet, here I was making Dimitri wait, letting him think he was to blame for why we weren't together.
But I could change that.
I'll prove to my mother that she was wrong.
I hesitated outside Dimitri's door. The sliver of me that wasn't being overrun by my anger, and the darkness told me this was a bad idea.
I considered just going into my room, taking some time to calm down. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do…
Everything I had learnt today about the bond and the words Janine had shouted at me kept running through my mind. My emotions battled between guilt and anger, for which one was more prominent.
My hand hovered in the air, inches away from the wooden door, poised to knock.
"What makes you think he even wants you?"
My insecurities got the better of me.
I was the reason why we weren't together now, telling him that it wasn't enough until he felt the bond when I was stopping that from happening. Will he still want me?
I shook my head, throwing away that thought. Of course, Dimitri wanted me. Since coming back to Court, all he has been doing is proving he was dedicated to me. To us.
I felt myself deflating, the dark thoughts returning.
It was all my fault.
I should just go to my room and work this out before I try -
The door opened unexpectedly, Dimitri hastily pulling on his duster. As soon as our eyes met, he froze.
His hair was ruffled, a frantic look in his eyes that slowly turned to surprise and then relief. I was caught off guard when he stepped forward and embraced me.
"God, Rose." He breathed out, pulling back to see my face after a moment, "Are you okay?"
Bewildered, I asked, "What?"
His eyes searched mine, "Abe called me. He said that-"
"He called you?" My heartbeat picked up, feeling dread settle in the pit of my stomach. Did he tell Dimitri what Janine said?
Dimitri guided me into his room, "He said you fought with your mother. I was about to try to find you." He explained.
I was still reeling from the fact Abe had called Dimitri and that Dimitri was about to search for me. His expression when he opened the door now made sense. Dimitri was concerned for me.
Instead of filling me with joy, knowing how much he cared, it just made me feel worse.
"Roza, please talk to me." I wasn't aware that Dimitri had sat me on his bed until I saw him crouched in front of me, hands rubbing up and down my arms, eyes pinched in concern.
He was waiting so patiently for me, blaming himself for why we weren't together. After everything he had been through, he didn't deserve this.
I had to fix it.
My hands shot forward, gripping the collar of his duster and using it to pull his face to mine. Dimitri was so shocked by my sudden movement that he didn't stop me as my lips collided with his. The kiss was rough and desperate.
With one hand buried in his hair to hold him close, I pushed his duster off his shoulders.
He broke the kiss, "Roza, what are you doing?"
I kept tugging at the duster until it fell to the floor; I stood from the bed, kicking off my shoes and then climbing back onto it, dragging Dimitri with me. "I'm ready. I want to do it," I told him in a rush, tugging at the hem of his shirt.
His eyes widened, emotions becoming jumbled. "What? Rose-"
I cut him off with another kiss, "Let's complete the bond."
Dimitri froze. I tried to remove his shirt, but he wouldn't lift his arms, so instead, I removed my shirt and jeans, then moved my hands to his belt. His hands covered mine as I undid the buckle.
"Roza. Rose! Stop." His voice became firm, stilling my fingers from reaching for his fly. He dipped his head until his eyes caught mine, "What's going on?"
I groaned, frustrated, "I told you. I want to complete the bond." I slipped my hand from his grip, grasping the back of his head in hoping of distracting him with another kiss, but he didn't budge.
"Just take a moment and think about what you're saying," He tried reasoning with me.
"Don't you want me? I thought you wanted this." Dread spread through me. Was Janine right?
His eyes soften, gazing at me longingly. "I do. I want you more than I can say."
"Good, you can have me," My hands returned to his pants only to be stopped again.
"No, Roza. Not like this."
Angry tears gathered in my eyes; I yanked my hands from his grip. "Then what!" I was yelling, my control slipping, "Why don't you want to complete it!"
"Because this isn't you right now."
"This is me, Dimitri!" I reached for him again, my voice sounding desperate even to my own ears. "I want this. I can fix it. Let me fix it."
"Fix what? Rose, you need to calm down."
It became too much, hot tears trailing down my cheeks, "Please," I don't know what exactly I was pleading for, only that I wanted him to give in. I didn't understand why he didn't want to complete the bond. Maybe if we did, the block would go away. And then no one would question our relationship again, telling me I was wrong.
Maybe it will fix it, and I'll stop second-guessing myself all the time.
Dimitri gathered me in his arms, making soothing sounds as his hand rubbed circles on the exposed skin of my back. "Just breath. It's okay."
I shook my head against his chest, my tears soaking into the material of his shirt. It was my fault, and even when I tried to fix it, he didn't want me. "Please, Dimitri. I need to… I want you. I want…"
"I know, Roza. I want you too, but not like this. Not when you aren't yourself."
"But it's my fault. I'm broken. I ruined it again."
His warm hands clasped my face, "You aren't broken," He spoke the words with such conviction. Eyes burning into mine.
"You don't understand," I implored him, "I am. It's because of me, not you."
"Roza, you need to slow down. Take a deep breath," Dimitri ordered me.
I hadn't even realised how quickly I was breathing, my breaths coming out in short pants. Dimitri placed my hand on his chest, feeling the slow rise and fall. I started copying him, slowly regaining control.
In.
Out.
The haze that had covered my mind lifted.
Clarity returned to me, along with a realisation of my actions. I flushed with shame, "Oh god. Dimitri, I'm so sorry," I apologised, feeling mortified for how I was trying to force myself onto him. I tried to shift away from him, but he held firm.
"It's okay." He whispered the words to me, eyes holding mine. I became aware of the bond again, his feelings coming through. Dimitri was confused by everything I said, by what had happened, but focused on making sure I was in control again. "Was it the darkness again?"
I didn't fight his hold on me, sagging against him. "She always makes me so angry," I mumbled against his shoulder.
I felt so drained, the weight of what Sonya confirmed for me, and then the fight with Janine. It pushed me to try to convince Dimitri to complete the bond as a desperate attempt to prove something. I could have made everything so much worse.
Dimitri's eyes swept over my face, hand trailing down my cheek. "You look exhausted."
I nodded, "I just want to sleep and forget everything that happened," I glanced down at myself, becoming very aware of the fact I was practically sitting on Dimitri's lap in just a bra and underwear. "I should go back to my room."
Dimitri's eyes must have followed mine, feeling him flush with embarrassment and lust through the bond. He reached across the bed and pulled the sheet up to cover me. "Sleep here."
I shook my head, "No. I've already done enough damage for one night."
"Roza," His hand squeezed mine, my eyes lifting to his. "Sleep."
I gave in. Being around him pushed back the darkness; my body was no longer driven by it. Dimitri's presence calmed me, his scent and touch like a balm to my churning emotions.
I still couldn't believe how frantic I had become but was thankful that he wasn't holding it against me or pushing me for answers as to why. I wasn't sure I could put it all into words just yet.
I let myself lay down, my head resting on his pillow, breathing in deeply.
Dimitri sat beside me, his hand stroking my hair as he watched me, a gentle smile on his face. Surrounded by him, I felt myself finally be pulled under by the sleep I had been desperately craving.
I was woken by the ringing of an alarm, recognising it as the one I set on my phone to wake up for my shift. I wasn't working today and didn't need to be up so early. I threw my hand out to my side table to silence the constant beeping, only for my hand to come in contact with something warm.
A masculine groan of pain jolted me fully awake, jerking back on the bed to stare wide-eyed at Dimitri, lying beside me, cupping his nose with his hand.
"Oh no! I'm sorry, comrade!" I sat up on my knees, hovering over him, trying to inspect his face. I don't think I hit him too hard, but when I'm half awake, I don't tend to control my strength very well, something the alarm clocks I have broken over the years can attest to. "I was trying to turn off my alarm. I forgot where I was."
Dimitri removed his hand; thankfully, I didn't give him a bloody nose. He blinked a few times, scrunching his nose. I gently prodded at his face.
"Are you okay?"
He glanced up at me, "I was much nicer when I woke you yesterday."
I smirked down at him. My phone started beeping again. I looked around for it. Usually, I would leave it on the bedside table, but I hadn't been thinking very clearly last night. My phone was still concealed in the back pocket of my jeans, sitting on the floor of Dimitri's room, next to my shoes and shirt.
I was again made aware of my state of undress. Dimitri wasn't the first man to see me in my underwear, and he has definitely seen me in much less. But that was before. Trying to act as nonchalant as I could, I climbed out of the bed and picked up my phone, turning off the alarm.
My clothes on the ground also reminded me of what happened last night, trying to push Dimitri to complete the bond. I curled my arms around my exposed chest, "I'm also sorry about last night."
He sat up in bed, indecision flicked over his eyes, "Did you want to talk about it?" I felt his confusion, wanting to understand what happened, why I was so desperate, but not wanting to pressure me.
"I do," I paused, "I think. I don't know." I chewed on my lower lip. The guilt was hitting me again. Here I've been telling him to forgive himself for his past deeds, and yet I clearly hadn't forgiven him, not entirely.
He was disappointed by my response but concealed it, "Maybe talking about it could help. Is it about your mother? Or is it something else?" I felt his panic slightly, his mind going through all the possibilities that it could be.
I crawled back into the bed, slipping back under the blanket next to him to be close to him. "It's a bit of both."
Dimitri slipped his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. The small touch made my body feel alive, warmth and sparks travelling up my arm. I knew I was feeling this because of the bond, feeling the connection of our souls touching. I felt terrible that Dimitri wasn't able to experience it.
Focusing on his hand rather than looking at his eyes, I decided to tell him the easier of my problems first. "Janine only wanted to talk to me about the many ways I am ruining my future. You know the usual." I shrugged as if her disappointment didn't affect me, but Dimitri knew better.
He shifted closer, letting go of my hand; he threw his arm around my shoulders, drawing me to his side, so I was resting against his chest, then retook my hand. I was glad he didn't try to defend her to me.
"And then she said that I should reject you because having a soulmate will just hold me back and make me weak." He tensed. I squeezed his hand, knowing that he had had similar thoughts when he believed I would be better off without him. "I told her that I never wanted to see her again."
Dimitri stayed silent, letting me work through things at my own pace, my yelling match with Janine playing through my mind. Why I thought I could have had a decent conversation with her was beyond me.
"You know, she told me that she rejected her soulmate just because she didn't want to be hindered in her career. Guess I'm not the only one that wasn't good enough for her."
Releasing my hand, he tilted my chin with his fingers, so his eyes held mine, "Roza, you are worth it. The fact that she didn't put in the effort to get to know you is her mistake and one she will come to regret. She doesn't realise just how amazing you are, You will be a great guardian, and that will be because of you and no one else." Dimitri told me earnestly.
Gazing into his eyes, seeing his love for me shining through them so clearly, his absolute belief in me. My mouth opened, and the words just poured out, "I'm blocking the bond."
His eyes widened in surprise, eyebrows furrowing, "What do you mean?"
"The block, it isn't from your side or from any guilt you may be holding on to. I'm blocking it from you." I dropped my eyes, fingers fiddling with the sheet draped over my lap, "Sonya said it's because I'm scared…that I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt again."
I wished I couldn't feel his emotions right now, how quickly they plummeted at my words. I wished that my words didn't hurt him.
Dimitri released a long sigh, leaning forward to press a kiss to my temple. "It makes sense, what I said—how I treated you after I was restored—I don't blame you, Roza."
I twisted around until I was facing him, fighting back against the frustrated tears gathering in my eyes, "I want to be with you. I want you to feel the bond, but I don't know how to unblock it!"
"Is that why you wanted to complete it last night?"
I nodded, wiping at my eyes as the tears fell, "I thought that maybe it would get rid of the block. If I gave you everything, then maybe-" I cut myself off, covering my face with my hands. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," He whispered into my ear, drawing me back against him. "I broke your trust, and it will take time to build it again."
The fact that he was comforting me was making me feel worse. I was so torn between feeling guilty that he felt so defeated, becoming filled with regret for his actions. But then I knew he was right; he had hurt me, purposely so.
Fear clawing at my heart, "What if I can't?" I whispered it as if that would make it less likely—his body froze.
I didn't want to consider it, that after everything we had been through, both the good and the bad. What if I couldn't forgive him?
"However long it takes," Dimitri started, hands gripping my shoulders. Something in his voice gave me the strength to look him in the eyes, "I will wait for you, Roza. I don't care if it takes weeks, months or years. I promised you that I would remain by your side as long as you allowed me. This doesn't change that. I will wait forever for you."
If I weren't already crying, those words would have sent me over the edge. I collapsed against him, clinging to him desperately. His words healed a small part of me, pushing the fear back just enough that I felt some hope. If Dimitri was willing to wait for me, having faith that, one day, we would be together, then so could I.
Dimitri held me closely; arms wrapped tightly around me. He wasn't going anywhere, and I just needed to learn to trust that.
We remained close, shifting down in the bed to lay down again. Neither of us said much, needing time to process everything, but the silence was comfortable. I was on top of his chest, enjoying the feeling of his skin on mine, fingers dragging across the muscles.
"Can you feel it?"
"Feel what?" Dimitri asked, content just watching me.
I pressed my palm flat against his stomach, feeling the sparks from the touch, "That?"
I felt his disappointment, "No."
My heart broke a little; then, an idea hit me. I had sent emotions to him before; maybe I could send this. I closed my eyes, focusing on the bond, on the tingles I felt in my hand, sending it to Dimitri. When I heard his sharp intake of breath, I knew it worked.
"What's…?"
I smirked, "That's what it feels like every time I touch you. It's been getting stronger." I trailed my hand up further, fingers dancing across his chest, up to cup his cheek. Now looking at his face, his eyes were closed as he savoured the feeling, lips parted slightly.
I licked my lips, hesitating for a second before I descended until my lips touched his. I kept projecting the sensations through to him, the burst of joy from the bond and of his own emotions playing on loop. It was almost overwhelming.
Dimitri hadn't felt the bond when we touched, how it practically sang, and now I was sharing it with him. I felt his heartbeat picking up as the kiss heated up between us, both feeding on the pleasure we shared. The combination of the bond, my emotions, and his feelings became too much, and I had to stop, collapsing on my side and resting my head against his shoulder as I caught my breath.
Even Dimitri was breathless from the experience, "That was…."
"Yeah," I nodded weakly.
"Is it… Is it always like that?"
I smirked, "Pretty much. This time was… more"
His arms snaked around me again, pulling me to be on top of him; I let myself be shifted, snuggling against his muscular chest. My body was completely turned on from our kiss, from the intensity of everything I felt, and Dimitri was much the same.
"Are you excited for today?"
I furrowed my brows, confused. Lifting my head to gaze at him, my expression made him laugh.
"I'll try to not take offence to you forgetting our date."
My eyes widened, excitement growing, "Today's the markets."
Dimitri grinned, pressing a kiss to my forehead, "Yes, and I intend to spoil you, Roza."
I returned his grin, my stomach doing flips in anticipation. "Well, isn't it convenient that I had the day off from guarding Lissa?" Dimitri's eyes glinted. I gasped, "You told Sage to give me the day off, didn't you?"
He chuckled, "He may have owed me a favour."
"And here I thought it was just because he wanted me in top shape for tonight."
"Well, now you will be rested for work and get to enjoy a day off." His smile was breathtaking, a playfulness to him that I had missed seeing. I would do anything to keep gaining moments like this with him.
"When are we going to leave for our date?"
Dimitri glanced at the clock; it was still early in the morning. Holding me against him, he reached for the sheet, pulling it up to over us, "Not for a couple of hours. You still need to rest more."
I wasn't going to disagree with him, not when I was so comfortable against him. I pressed another kiss to his lips and then to the middle of his chest, over his heart, lying my head against it. "Sounds like a great idea, comrade."
Ooh, the second date will be the next chapter :D Who's excited!
I hope you enjoying it! Please let me know what you think so far :D
