CHAPTER 6:
The sure-fire way to know if you really, truly love someone is to have them taken away from you. If it sends your life down into a spinning, painful, tearful vortex, it's a pretty good bet that you do. My own life went down the Mariana Trench of depression, I lost interest in almost everything around me, and everyone knew it.
Ann came down a few days later, to console me. It might have helped, but she thought it seemed best to bring me a plate of chocolate cookies, which reminded me of our 5 am trip into Gray's room. It distressed her to see me suddenly get all teary, staring at the warm brown sweets. She chucked the cookies out the window of my house, and just sat beside me, giving me a best friend hug, which is far more healing than a million words.
When she left, I went outside, collected the cold cookies, and brought them inside, for no particular reason, but to reminisce.
Karen also came, bringing Popuri. They made me laugh, which was a welcome relief to the fog that had settled upon me. Popuri, I must say, was not much help, staring at me with her wide red eyes, and asking "What will you do when….I mean if, Mary gets married to Gray?" I glared at her, causing Karen to grab Popuri's hand and say, "Yes. I think we've stayed long enough. Popuri?"
After almost a week, sadness subsided from a sharp stab, to a dull ache. Unfortunately, it was replaced by a hot anger, simmering in the back of my mind. I finally left Bessie and Belle, with whom I had been spending the majority of my time, and walked confidently into town, admiring the ice-coated branches for the first time in a week. I almost started to go to the blacksmiths, but turned just in time, and walked up the road. The supermarket was my destination, and I did not hurry, although I did admit I looked once behind me, just to make sure nobody like, say, Gray was there. I entered the supermarket, and was put out to find Manna and Sasha break up a conversation as soon as I entered, giving me the impression that I was the subject. I slowly wandered up the aisle, picking up a few necessities, such as bread, oil and flour. Karen saw me and gave me a thumbs up, which I returned with true feelings of cheerfulness.
I went to the Inn next, to see Ann again, and show her how independent I was, or was numbing myself to be. Opening the door brought back the previous visit in a rush, as I inhaled the familiar smell of baking bread, and of wine. Mentally steeling myself to face whatever happened, I walked up the groaning stairs, and knocked on Ann's door. She opened it and immediately squealed, "Claire! Wow, it's great to see you! How are you?" She opened the door further and shepherded me in, cracking the door behind me.
"Hello, Ann. Hello, Cliff. I'm just fine. I think I might be over that 'little problem'. How are you and Cliff?"
Ann looked a bit worried at my offhand tone, but replied, "Cliff and I are great. Are you sure you're…?" I silenced her with a look.
Cliff spoke up, with a look of genuine concern on his face. "Claire, have you talked to the source of 'that little problem'? Maybe he…..oh, I don't know."
I lifted my head. "I don't need a man. I'm fine by myself. Me and Bessie. I'm just fine."
Cliff looked at Ann. "All right, now I'm worried. I have to go talk to Duke, Ann. I'll be back later." He left after an ominous look at me. Ann sat down, and motioned me to pull up a stool. She seemed to pick up the fact that this wall was the only thing keeping me on my feet. "Are you doing anything special for the Starry Night festival?"
I stared at her. "I don't have anyone to invite."
She frowned, exasperated. "Of course you do."
"Like who? All the guys are taken. Oh, right, I'll take Aqua. I'm sure he'd love to have dinner with me, won't the other sprites be jealous." I spoke this very sarcastically.
Ann rolled her eyes. "You know who I'm talking about, I..." She stopped because I was listening to something outside in the hall. Someone was coming up the stairs. The feet stopped outside the door. I looked beneath the crack of the wood. Gray was listening at the door.
I turned to Ann and said, knowing full well of the unseen listener, "If you mean Gray, I'm sure that he's already going with Mary! I wouldn't want to put my heart on the butchering table again by asking him!" The feet quickly retreated down the stairs, faster than they had come.
Ann turned to me, her eyes wide. "Oh, Claire, oh Claire…what was that for?" What I had said suddenly struck me as being very mean. I colored deeply, but did not repent, and instead told her I needed to go check on Belle, who was sniffly this week. She was still shocked, but swallowed her comment, and gave me a hug.
I went down the road, and was intercepted by Anna, coming from the Poultry Farm. Her breath came in a misty wisp, as she ran up to me, obviously bursting with important gossip. It wasn't gossip, but an all too true fact. Tim had proposed to Elli, and they were getting married in a week! She grinned and hurried up the road, slipping a bit on the icy cobblestones. I watched her go, thinking of how unpleasantly she reminded me of Mary. I stood there and felt a small amount of my wall crumble inside, letting in a small stream of pain. I stood there and grabbed my hair, pulling it painfully.
"Well, that was great news! Why don't you bring me news of Gray kissing Mary, while you're at it?" Movement caught my eye, and a flash of red disappeared inside the blacksmiths. I realized that I had yelled that out loud, turned, and ran to my farm, to shut myself up with Belle, away from the cold, damp outside, and most importantly, away from Gray.
The day before the Starry Night festival, I had thought a lot more about what I was going to do, but was still in that space between my anger….and my love. I still loved Gray! I really did! I made up my mind that I would swallow my pride and go ask him to come, so I walked outside and prepared myself. A small crack appeared in the rest of my wall, and I admired how fresh the air felt, and how white the snow was. I looked towards my field, and was delighted to find a tiny bloom growing in the snow. This encouraged me to follow through with my resolution, and I walked up the road, shaking. I decided to talk to Ann first, to tell her how her advice had worked, that she was right!
I pushed open the heavy door, on a hopeful high. I had picked the wrong time to come in, because Gray was sitting drinking a cup of coffee, beside a simpering Mary, who was reading aloud from a book. My mind stopped, and my face went cold. That little wall that had been cracking was instantly slapped with a layer of concrete, which hardened in an instant. The Inn seemed too warm, a drastic contrast from the freezing outside, and I found myself, just in time to stop myself from staring. Gray looked up, and met my eyes again, just like that night. Mary looked up, and for a minute, the corners of her mouth turned up in the smuggest of smiles, but it was gone in an instant. She waved daintily to me, a gesture which I didn't return, but instead marched briskly to the stairs, taking one last glance at Gray. He had covered his face in his hand, but from what I could see; his face was the reddest I had ever witnessed.
My mind refused to remember how uncomfortable Gray looked, even before I had been noticed, or how uninterested his eyes had seemed. All I saw was a cute couple, sitting drinking coffee, escaping from the damp white world.
I stayed upstairs, just long enough to seem as if I had been talking to someone, then defiantly came down the stairs, and, not even looking in their direction, flung open the door, and threw myself out into the thin, moist outside.
Needless to say, I did not invite Gray, and instead, spent that night and the next mining hard, trying to mend the wall, and stem the tide of pain that was clamoring to come through. When I looked back upon the tiny bloom I had seen the day before, I found it withered and cold.
The 25th of winter was a dreary day, the sky was a periwinkle blue, but the ground was soggy and full of mud. I checked the fuzzy stocking hanging outside my door, and pulled out a card from Ann, something burnt in a jar from Karen, an agate from Thomas, and a homemade cornhusk doll from that darling, May. I turned the stocking over, and a small package dropped into my hand. I ran my fingers over the worn tan paper, tied with a small green ribbon. It smelled familiar, and I nearly dropped it as I realized who it was from. What could Gray have to send me? I carefully peeled the paper away, and a piece of paper dropped to the ground. I picked it up, opened it, and read:
Dear Claire,
I am writing this to try to shed some light on what happened several days ago. I got your message, and was about to reply, when Mary caught me. You see, last year, when you weren't here, she invited me to the festival, but I got in trouble with Grampa, and couldn't go. Instead, I promised her that I would go with her for sure the next year, this year. She reminded me of this promise, and I couldn't break my word. I'm very sorry about not telling you. I just didn't know how to approach it, and so avoided it, which I see was a mistake. I guess I'm just not what a girl like you needs, but wants to apologize, and hopefully we can start again, and maybe designate a rain check night, to perhaps watch the moon again. I know how forgiving you are, and I….need you to do that now for me. I'm sorry.
(This was smudged a bit) yours,
Gray
P.S. I made this when Grampa wasn't looking. It matches your eyes.
A ring dropped into my hand, silver, with one dazzling, beautiful, soft-colored sapphire in the middle. A tear dropped onto the letter, then another, and another. My wall was slowly melting, and I breathed the air as if I had never breathed before. I donned the gorgeous ring, looked up at the sky, and said aloud, "How could I have hurt him?" I wondered if I even had a heart. A cricket chirped, a lone whippoorwill trilled a sad song, and I felt alone in the world, alone in my own terrible world, holding Gray's letter tight to my chest, and dropping silent tears that froze before they touched the ground.
