Summary: How can a relationship with Grissom be worse than longing for one? Sara insists on an answer. When Grissom complies, the words 'Be careful what you wish for,' prove to be true.
Timeline: Takes place during CSI Season Six. Minor spoilers for Still Life, Daddy's Little Girl, Kiss Kiss Bye Bye, and Pirates of the Third Reich.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. No silver has crossed my palm, either.
A/N: Sincere thanks to csishewolf, brandie, dirtyvirgin, and csinut214 for their thoughtful comments during the writing of this story. Your suggestions made this story richer, when you could get me to take your advice…BWAHahahahaha. Officially unbetaed. Many eyes have sifted through these words, but mistakes are my own.
CHAPTER TWO
Opening the journal to the first marked entry, Sara peeked through a longhand window into the life of 16 year old Grissom.
>>>>>
Thursday, June 15, 1972 – Finally got that reel-to-reel they've been holding for me at the thrift store. Needs new rollers and the heads are dirty. Even so, $50 for a Pioneer deck is a deal. Stop by Amplitude tomorrow for supplies.
>>>>>
Friday, June 16, 1972 – Got everything I need to fix up the deck today. Found some cheap tape, too. There's a new cashier, a girl named Halyn…like Holland without the D. I didn't notice her until she smiled at me.
She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket – Raymond Chandler
We talked for a few minutes about sound – she knows a lot. I wonder if she'd give me her phone number?
>>>>>
Tuesday, June 20, 1972 – Stopped by Amplitude today. Halyn wasn't working. The guy I know there, Marty, told me she's 18 and sings in a band. He said she asked about me. He also said she's not dating anybody.
>>>>>
Saturday, June 24, 1972 – Halyn was working at Amplitude today. I made up some story about needing new cables. We talked about sound some more. In fact, I stayed there over an hour. She asked me what else I do for fun besides listen to music. I told her about the Coroner's office. She thought that was cool. I never met a girl who didn't think it was gross. I didn't have the nerve to ask for her phone number.
>>>>>
Saturday, July 1, 1972 – Halyn got a car…a beat up Ford Fairlane, but it runs. We went for a ride around the neighborhood, testing out the radio she put in it. While we were listening to some song, she asked me what I was thinking just as I was wondering what it would be like to kiss her. My face must have turned 20 shades of red – it sure felt hot. I should have expected it…she asks that a lot, I've noticed. I couldn't tell her, though. I hadn't even asked for her number yet. I just stared out the windshield with my mouth hanging open. She kept after me and finally pulled into the parking lot of Wakefield Elementary School, saying we weren't going to move until I told her, but she said it with a smile so I think maybe she knew. I finally fessed up and she said, "Would you like to find out?" I think I nodded. She slid across the seat and kissed me. A real kiss, too, not just a peck.
The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer – Oliver Wendell Holmes
I did finally ask for her phone number.
>>>>>
Sara looked up from the journal in her lap. "You've been doing the quote thing for a long time, huh?" she said with a grin.
Grissom smiled, a little embarrassed, "Yeah."
"How come?"
"Back then, I just couldn't think of the words for what I was feeling. But I read a lot and I remembered these quotes – they sounded so eloquent – much better than anything I could come up with, so it became a sort of shorthand. And it was easier than thinking too hard about what I was feeling."
"I see," she said. "Tell me about Holland-without-the-D…she was your first girlfriend?"
"Yes, she was," he said, pausing to remember. "She wasn't pretty, really…sort of average looking with long wavy brown hair…tall for a girl…kind of skinny. And she wore glasses. Until she smiled at me I hadn't given her a second thought…but there was something about her. Even today, 30-odd years later, I don't know what it was."
Sara listened and said nothing.
Grissom blushed and brought himself back from the past. "This is embarrassing, Sara. I'm sure you don't want to hear about my old girlfriends and I'm not too eager to share…"
"You have a reason for telling me about her, right? You're not just bragging…" she said with a hint of a grin that let him know she was still listening.
"No, Sara, I'm not bragging…my relationship with her spans almost 10 years of my life. I'd already started to keep people at a distance when I met her. She opened me up again. Taught me to see the world in a different way… Years later, when it was finally over, I shut down. That's the choice I'm trying to change. With you."
Something passed between them then…that connection they'd been struggling with for years.
"Tell me more."
"OK," he said and nodded. "I'd never met anyone remotely like her. She had this…theatricality…about her, but she was also smart as hell, interested in everything. When I talked about forensics I found out she knew a lot about anatomy and biology. She also loved astronomy, literature, photography, electronics…and she had the most unusual turn of mind – not logical at all – but she could take a tangle of data, process it somehow, and come up with interpretations that blew me away. I'd never met a peer, much less a girl, who was so interesting. I spent most of my time with adults, so she was incredibly exotic to me."
Sara laughed at this last, "I know what you mean."
"Oh, and she liked me. Girls wanted nothing to do with me, but she did. Heady stuff," he said, taking the journal back from Sara and paging through to another marked section. "This is from later that summer."
>>>>>
Sunday, August 27, 1972 – Spent the day at Halyn's. We listened to records out in her garage. She has every album Bread ever made. I keep thinking she'll wear the grooves off them eventually. I don't know how she can know the lead guitar in 'Make It With You' is a Gibson…I can't hear it. Stradivarius violins are prized for exceptional tonal quality, though, so there must be something to it. Wonder if anyone has done a study about tone from different makes of guitar?
>>>>>
Tuesday, August 29, 1972 – We ended up on the chaise lounge again. I wanted to but Halyn was afraid. I told her I had protection. She ended up crying…I wasn't pressuring her, I wouldn't do that. Going all the way is a really big deal for a girl.
Does she understand the lyrics of the songs we listen to? They're all about sex. Our song…'Make It With You'…I used to think it was prophetic. I really want to make love to her, maybe get married some day when I'm through school. I love her. I want to spend all my time with her, but I always come home and spend a long time in the bathroom. Mom thinks I've got a stomach problem. I even layed out of my duties at the Coroner's last week. I've never done that before.
Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies –Jim Morrison
>>>>>
"You sound a little bitter there, Griss," Sara said when she read the Morrison quote.
"Not bitter. Frustrated. I don't think anyone necks for weeks or months now…but we did. All that summer," he said, shaking his head a little.
Sara looked back at the page before her. Raising an eyebrow, she said, "Stomach problem?"
"Yeah, Mom was sure something was wrong with me. I finally lied and told her I'd talked to one of the docs at the lab. Clearly she had no idea what I was doing in there. I wasn't going to tell her the truth, though I have to say, it's hard to lie to someone who is expert at sign. So much depends on interpretation of body language…"
"You don't think she ever figured it out?"
"Oh, she probably did. We moved to a new apartment early in the school year. I had my own bathroom for the first time. I was relieved."
"What happened with Halyn?"
He moved closer to her on the couch, turning pages in the notebook as it lay in her lap. "Here," he said, "this is from around Christmas that year."
>>>>>
Monday, December 4, 1972 – Dr. Gerard offered me a paying position at the Coroner's office. It'll only be 10 hours a week – he doesn't want to interfere with my school – but it's a job. For money. I can't wait to tell Halyn.
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Wednesday, December 13, 1972 – Stopped by Amplitude to see Halyn. Haven't been able to get together for a week or two. She was real busy and couldn't talk. We're planning to see each other over break.
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Friday, December 22, 1972 – Called Halyn from school this afternoon, thinking we could meet…go for a ride maybe. She said she had some good news. I thought she'd gotten an apartment or something. She's been talking about that.
She told me she's getting married. To Hank Gallagher, the lead guitar in her band.
I didn't know what to say. I was on a pay phone at school, so I couldn't really ask her what I wanted. Why? What about us? What about ME? Thankfully it was 5th period and I had study hall and gym, and then the day was over. I thought about stopping by Amplitude to see if Marty could fill me in…I knew Halyn wasn't working today, but what would be the point? What happened? I still love her.
She sounded so happy and wanted me to be happy, too. I told her I was and hung up.
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation –Kahlil Gibran
>>>>>
"Oh, no…married? What happened?" Sara asked, puzzled.
"Well, we sort of drifted apart once school started. I was busy with homework and my job at the Coroner's office, so Halyn and I couldn't see each other as much as we had in the summer.
"She'd graduated the previous June. She was 18, remember? There was no money for her to go to college so she was trying save enough to move out of the house. Her mom was an alcoholic – a mean one. She told me once that her mom walked in on her in the shower one day and just started pounding on her. Halyn was desperate to get out of there," he said quietly.
Sara nodded, understanding, "So getting married got her out."
"I think so, although I didn't put it together until much later. At the time I just threw myself into my classes and my Coroner's office job and tried not to think about her."
Sara coughed and said, "Hank?"
"I was wondering if you'd catch that. I hate that name," he said, though he was clearly amused.
Leaning into him with a smirk, Sara bumped him with her shoulder, "It's not my favorite, either."
Grissom smiled and said, "Good to know." He took the notebook from her lap, closed it and set it aside before picking up the leather bound journal which lay on top of the stack. As he opened the book looking for a marked passage, he glanced at her over the top of his glasses, "Now we fast forward several years to 1976. I was a junior in college, living off-campus…an elderly lady, Mrs. Walker, rented me the top floor of her house for $75.00 a month. I had quiet for studying, a place to do my experiments and keep my insects."
"Didn't she ever complain about the smell?" Sara asked, thinking about the unpleasant surprises she'd found in the Lab refrigerator, compliments of Grissom's curiosity.
"No, actually, she had cats…lots of cats."
"Oh."
>>>>>
Wednesday, September 29, 1976 – Came home from classes today to find Halyn sitting on my porch. I still don't know what to think. It was a shock to see her again.
The first thing I said was, "How did you find me?" She laughed and said she looked me up in the phone book. I know my face went red. I felt like an idiot.
When I asked her why she was here she said she'd been thinking about me and wanted to see how I was doing. I told her I was fine. We made small talk for a few minutes…it was very awkward…then she left. She looks just the same. She looked great.
I thought I was past this. I may not be looking for baby blue VWs anymore, but I haven't forgotten.
>>>>>
Sara looked up from the page she was reading. "Baby blue VWs?"
"I sort of kept up with Halyn for awhile after we broke up, mostly through Marty at Amplitude. I knew, for example, that she'd had a baby and that she was working as an audio engineer for some recording studio. When I heard about the baby, I thought that was that.
"So, I dated a few girls in my last year of high school. I even managed to have sex a few times. Then, one day I saw them, the whole family, piled into a baby blue Volkswagen beetle. Suddenly she was on my mind again. I thought I'd gotten over her, but I caught myself looking for light blue VWs everywhere I went. That confused me, so I worked harder and studied harder until I stopped thinking about her. Then she showed up on my doorstep."
He reached over and turned a page of the journal.
>>>>>
Thursday, October 7, 1976 – Halyn left a message for me at the Coroner's office. She wants me to call her. What's going on?
>>>>>
"Did you call her?" Sara asked.
"No!"
"Why not? You must have been curious."
Grissom flipped several pages in the book on Sara's lap. "She was married. I was seeing the aftermath of romantic triangles every other day at the Coroner's office. I decided I didn't want to know, but I found out soon enough."
>>>>>
Sunday, October 24, 1976 – Halyn knocked on my door at 2 o'clock this morning. I was half asleep when I let her in. She had the funniest look on her face, then I realized she was high. I sat her down on the couch and fixed her some coffee, hoping I could get her lucid enough to tell me why she was here.
Turns out she'd just finished a gig and had a contact high from grass the audience was smoking. It didn't take long to get her straightened out. She was pretty embarrassed. I told her it was okay, everybody needs a place to crash once in awhile.
She was almost out the door when she turned to me and said, "I've been thinking about you a lot, Gil. I've missed you." I've thought about her and missed her, too, but I couldn't tell her that. When I didn't answer her she looked at me for the longest time. I don't know what she wanted me to say.
>>>>>
Monday, October 25, 1976 – Dropped by Amplitude this afternoon hoping to find Marty on duty. He's the manager now. I was going to ask him about Halyn, but he brought her up himself.
She and Hank split up in February. They've already filed for divorce. Marty said it was kind of ugly…Hank is trying to get custody of their son and causing all sorts of trouble. Halyn has moved back home. Her mom is watching her little boy, Jeffrey, during the day and when Halyn has gigs. I'm sure Halyn is hating that. She despises her mother, or at least, she used to.
I asked Marty why they split up. He said Hank couldn't stay home and Halyn had finally had enough.
This puts a new face on things.
>>>>>
Wednesday, November 3, 1976 – Left a message with Mrs. Weaver for Halyn to call me. Ever since I found out about her divorce I've been thinking about her. I've never met anyone else like her and if I am honest, I have to say I am still half in love with her. I used to wish things could have been different. Maybe now they can be.
Where there is great love, there are always wishes –Willa Cather
>>>>>
Thursday, November 4, 1976 – Halyn called tonight. We talked for two hours, a record for me. I told her I'd seen Marty. All she said was, "Then you know." I said that yes, I knew she was getting a divorce. Things had not worked out the way she thought they would. She said it was worse than when she'd been trapped at home. I asked how things were going with that…with her mom. Apparently Mrs. Weaver has joined AA and is sober at least, which is the only reason Halyn is able to stay there.
Once we got recent events out of the way it was as if no time had passed since the last time we talked like this. I know we discussed the current issue of Scientific American for 30 minutes. She wanted to hear about my classes and about things at the Coroner's office. I asked about her job as an audio engineer, which sounds like an interesting profession. Lots of research potential.
I asked if she'd like to go out sometime. I don't know where that came from. She said yes. We're going out to dinner next Thursday night.
>>>>>
Thursday, November 11, 1976 – Took Halyn to Steak and Ale for dinner. I realized as we were ordering that this was our first real date. She looked so pretty in the candlelight. I had the oddest sensation of being in two times at once…the present and years ago when we first knew each other. It was like double exposed film and the overlay was slightly out of sync.
At one point she looked at me and asked what I was thinking. She got me again, although this time I told her I was remembering what it was like to kiss her. She surprised me by blushing and that made me laugh. Used to be, she always had the upper hand, but it looks like that's different now.
Halyn seemed nervous as we got near her house until she finally asked me if I wondered what it might be like to kiss her now. I said yes and she showed me.
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous –Ingrid Bergman
>>>>>
Saturday, November 13, 1976 – Halyn came by at 2 o'clock after her gig tonight. I'd just gotten in from my body farm and was on my way to a shower. When I came out of the bathroom she wasn't in the living room. I found her sitting on the end of my bed. Didn't know quite what to say, so I stood in the doorway waiting for her to say something. She started to unbutton her shirt and held out her hand to me. Suddenly I was there beside her, wanting her, touching her, having her.
Words fail me.
>>>>>
Sara sat back on the couch and looked at Grissom. "So Halyn was back, almost divorced with a little one in tow. How old was her son then?"
Grissom thought back, "He was just three." Noticing her closed expression, he said, "I'm sorry, Sara. You need to know we became lovers then. I'm not about to ask you to read chapter and verse."
She looked over at him and realized he'd only told the truth. He looked as embarrassed as she felt. Taking a deep breath, she told herself, "Come on, Sidle. Relax. This is old stuff he's talking about here."
"OK," she said, "so you became lovers then."
Grissom still looked uncomfortable. "Are you all right? Do you want to stop?"
"No, I'm good," she said with no enthusiasm at all.
Looking at his watch, he said, "It's 10 o'clock. We've been at this for three hours. Let's take a break. Could I interest you in a pizza?"
Sara was grateful for the chance to set this particular journal down. They exchanged banter about pizza places, types of crust and required toppings as tension eased between them. Grissom placed a call for delivery while Sara wondered at her response to the last journal entry. Was she jealous of this woman who'd been in his life 30 years ago? Yes, she was, if only because a ghost was standing between her and this man she wanted so badly. At least, she hoped Halyn was a ghost.
"Griss, are you over her?" she asked, shocked at her bluntness.
With a tenderness she'd been longing for, he met her eyes fully. "Yes, Sara. I am over her."
She hung there, suspended in his gaze, for a long time. She took a deep breath and said, "OK then."
To Be Continued... Chapters 3, 4, 5 and 6 to follow shortly
