Summary: How can a relationship with Grissom be worse than longing for one? Sara insists on an answer. When Grissom complies, the words 'Be careful what you wish for,' prove to be true.
Timeline: Takes place during CSI Season Six. Minor spoilers for Still Life, Daddy's Little Girl, Kiss Kiss Bye Bye, and Pirates of the Third Reich.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. No silver has crossed my palm, either.
A/N: Sincere thanks to csishewolf, brandie, dirtyvirgin, and csinut214 for their thoughtful comments during the writing of this story. Your suggestions made this story richer, when you could get me to take your advice…BWAHahahahaha. Officially unbetaed. Many eyes have sifted through these words, but mistakes are my own.
CHAPTER FOUR
Wednesday, October 11, 1978 – Started the second wave of observations at my body farm, this time in a lighted setting as opposed to natural darkness. Was having a hard time figuring out how to drag car batteries up there until Halyn got some of the guys from Wylie to give me a hand. They showed me how to hook up a series of batteries like they do in the field.
Halyn has started her own experiment. She wants to try doing photographic portraits. There's certainly a market here for headshots and the like, but she's more interested in less formal portraits. Something that looks like an incredibly good snapshot. She's gotten a lot of positive feedback from the mothers at Jeffrey's daycare on her pictures of him. Now she wants to expand it to adults and perhaps families.
xxx
Monday, January 1, 1979 – New Year's Day – Halyn and I saw the New Year in last night. We spent a quiet evening at her place. Jeffrey conked out about 9:30 and we left him curled up with his trucks on the floor in the living room. It was tough staying awake ourselves, but we managed it. Had a glass of champagne and a kiss and then dropped off on the couch. I woke up about 2:30 and put Jeffrey to bed. It struck me how much like a family we feel…and how much I love that. I can't remember feeling this way since Dad died.
A happy family is but an earlier heaven – George Bernard Shaw
xxx
Saturday, April 14, 1979 – Took Jeffrey to the beach today. A launch that got scrubbed last week was suddenly rescheduled. Hank was out of town on a gig and Mrs. Weaver was drunk (she's had a serious relapse after four years of sobriety. Halyn is very upset).
Stopped at McDonald's on the way home. When Jeffrey didn't finish his fries, I asked if he wanted to keep them. He said yes, then licked the top part of the package and tried to stick it to the outside of the bag. I was thunderstruck. This is how you close and seal a baggie of grass, not French fries. Where did he learn this?
When Jeffrey was in bed tonight I told Halyn about the incident. She immediately ran into his room to watch him sleep and stood there crying until I coaxed her back out into the living room. Hank apparently is still using even though he says he's not. Jeffrey must have picked it up there. I asked her about the band (they use, I've seen them). She knew immediately that I was asking about her, not the band and she got very angry. She talked about her mother and how hard it had been living with an alcoholic and did I actually think she would do anything to hurt Jeff. I told her that I loved Jeff and was only trying to protect him as any caring adult would do.
We talked a long time about her growing up years and how her mom's alcoholism had been a burden for her. Her marriage to Hank was at least partially ruined by his drug use in addition to his infidelities. She sobbed in my arms for a long time. Finally she stopped crying and hugged me, saying she didn't know where she'd be without her 'island of peace.' I don't know where I'd be without her.
Halyn is going call her lawyer in the morning.
xxx
Sara looked up from the book. "This is the first time you've talked about Jeffrey."
"I know. I actually didn't get to see that much of Jeffrey. With my schedule, Halyn and I only got together once or twice a week, if that, and he was with Hank every other weekend. When he did that thing at McDonald's I felt protective of him…not like a father, exactly…" Grissom trailed off as he thought, "I loved the family feeling I had when we were all together even though I knew we weren't really a family."
"You don't have to be related by blood to be family, Grissom."
He pulled himself out of the past and looked at her. She said, "I still think of the people who took me in after my father died as my 'real' family." She paused for a few moments and went on, "I used to fantasize that they were my real family, just like you did with Jeffrey and Halyn. So, what happened with Hank?"
"At first he denied it all and Halyn had a lot of meetings with her lawyer. They were just developing a plan when Hank got busted for possession with intent to distribute. He went away for a long time and Jeffrey was safe, thank God. Him and a lot of other kids," he said, clearly still angry all these years later.
Sara smiled and patted him firmly in the knee. "Good."
Grissom leaned over to turn several pages of the book to the next marked section.
xxx
Tuesday, September 4, 1979 – Back to school for me and first day of school for Jeffrey. Halyn called earlier to say the day went well for him. He likes his teacher – a Mrs. Garrett – and they have a rabbit in the classroom. No insects, though.
Dr. Edwards and I met today. He likes what I've got so far and so does the committee, which means I can keep going on my topic. He mentioned that they were all surprised I was going to be able to do this in two years (providing I get the dis done). Only doing TA duty on three classes this semester, which will leave me more time to write. If the writing goes well, I may even get some sleep. That is, if things stay quiet at the Coroner's office.
xxx
Saturday, September 29, 1979 – Halyn has had some fliers made up about her portrait work and I'm going to put them out at the Coroner's office. Have showed her pictures around for years so a lot of the people I work with are already aware of her reputation. So far she hasn't made any real money, but I can see that changing. The portraits she's done in the last several months are beautiful, especially the ones of children. It isn't framing or lighting or anything technical she does. It's a gift.
To take photographs means to recognize – simultaneously and within a fraction of a second – both the fact itself and the rigorous organization of visually perceived forms that give it meaning. It is putting one's head, one's eye and one's heart on the same axis – Henri Cartier-Bresson
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Friday, December 14, 1979 – Talked with one of the photo lab techs at the Coroner's office. They routinely rotate equipment as new things are purchased. Enlargers, for example. Told me I could get a good one with a good lens for less than $100. Maybe I can swing this for Halyn's Christmas gift.
xxx
Tuesday, January 1, 1980 – New Year's Day – Halyn and I went to a New Year's party at Wylie last night. They are a funny bunch. An odd mix of old audio techs from the music business, a few engineers, a couple of riggers…one of the engineers got very drunk and the techs thought it would be fun to put a microphone in the john. We left before they got the recorder hooked up but not before Edgar started throwing up.
I was talking about the year ahead on the way home. Dr. Gerard has offered me full time work at the Coroner's office. Of course, I won't start until after the school year, but this will mean no more hot dogs for dinner…enough money to live on and a job I already know I love. I was excited but Halyn seemed off somewhere.
She said the oddest thing. She said the future just seemed like an endless progression of days and that she hated New Year's because it makes her think of the 365 new days stretching off ahead. I didn't mention that this is a leap year.
When she saw how worried I was she told she'd be fine in the morning…that champagne makes her maudlin. Seems like she has these spells every month or two. I called her awhile ago and she does seem fine, but I worry about her. Her future looks bright to me.
xxx
Saturday, January 5, 1980 – Halyn stopped by after her gig this morning. She was chatting away about the night when I asked her if she was happy. She said yes. I've been thinking about New Year's and what she said. It's that tinfoil thing again. I wouldn't let it go and finally she told me that something died in her when her marriage ended…innocence, maybe…now and then she feels an echo and that makes her sad.
I remember when Dad died. I can understand when she says it's like something is missing. Sometimes I still feel that way when I think about him, but it's him I miss, not me or a part of me. I still don't know quite what she means.
xxx
Closing the book and holding her place with her finger, Sara asked, "So let me get this straight. You and Halyn were getting along fine, but every month or two she'd become inexplicably withdrawn. You did try to find out what the problem was, but she couldn't explain it in a way that you could understand."
"Right."
"Grissom, where did you see your relationship going? She said she couldn't get married again but you had hopes that wasn't final, at least that's what I'm getting from the things you wrote. You even had moments when you thought of you and Halyn and Jeffrey as a family. What did you think was going to happen?"
"Sara, I wish I could give you a better answer but I was so happy I just thought it would all work itself out. Except for those times when Halyn seemed…preoccupied…it was all good. For me. I thought, for her, too. I didn't look deeper and I should have. I didn't know how," he said, frowning. "I loved her. The idea of 'us' had become precious to me…I didn't want to know."
Sara said thoughtfully, "When the object of your fantasy doesn't do much to burst your bubble, it's pretty easy to maintain."
Grissom wouldn't meet her eyes. "I know."
"Of course, when someone maintains a dream like that, it's hard to wake them up to reality…"
Grissom looked pained, "I know that, too."
"Seems like we both know a little something about this subject, huh?" she said, opening the book and offering it back to him so he could turn to the next marked section.
xxx
Sunday, April 6, 1980 – Easter Sunday – Halyn and I went up to Descanso Gardens today. She wanted to scout new portrait settings and I just wanted to be somewhere outside that was easy on the eyes. So much was in bloom: Azaleas, lilacs, tulips, camellias, as well as a lot wild flowers and native plants. It was easy to forget about research and crime and my dissertation…I get so focused sometimes I forget to look around and see what's beyond my schedule.
xxx
Monday, June 9, 1980 – Today was my first day as a full time employee at the L.A. Coroner's Office. Philip was very welcoming, introducing me around as 'Doctor' Grissom. I think he's proud of me. Makes me wish Dad was here.
Met Halyn for dinner. She said two more people from the PD have called for appointments. She thanked me again for the enlarger. Not having to send her negs out for prints means more profit for her. It pleases me to see her so happy. She was even talking about doing photography full time and giving up her job at Wylie. Not right away, but in a couple of years, maybe.
xxx
Monday, September 15, 1980 – Today was a truly awful day. 419 was a 7 year old boy, apparently got into his parents' stash and ODed. Even though the boy didn't look like Jeffrey, I couldn't stop thinking about him. When we cleared the scene I called Halyn to make sure they were both OK, then I spent the evening with them. Thank God Hank is off the street.
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough – M. C. Escher
xxx
Monday, December 29, 1980 – Philip has assigned an assistant coroner to me. Frank Spenser. Started today. Seems like an OK guy. Kind of odd to have a subordinate. I've been low man around here for so long…but Philip said I needed the help and that's true. Reminds me of when I was TA for Dr. Edwards. I was explaining something to Frank about manner of death as opposed to cause of death when I realized that I miss teaching.
xxx
Sara closed the journal and handed it back to him. "Now you're starting to sound like the Grissom I know."
"I slid into the life like it was made for me, Sara. It would be more accurate to say I was made for it, I suppose…after six months, it was hard to remember doing anything else…I'd been preparing so long," he said thoughtfully.
"Dr. Gerard was right to give you someone to teach. You're good at it."
"Did you know it was Philip who encouraged me to start teaching seminars? At first it was only in the greater Los Angeles area, but within a couple of years I was doing as many as four a year, all over the country."
Smiling, she said, "Well, I guess I can forgive him now…he apparently paid his debt in advance."
Grissom smiled back. "I've always been grateful for the opportunities those seminars have given me," he said as he picked up the next journal.
xxx
Saturday, April 4, 1981 – Particularly horrible scene today. Apparent murder suicide about 2 months old. Two adults and five children. Everyone was throwing up. There are times when I hate this job.
xxx
Monday, April 27, 1981 – Philip approached me about taking on criminalist duties in addition to my coroner work. I'd start as a CSI I, but he said I have so much experience I could advance quickly if I wanted to. I was going to wait until I'd been on staff a year, but he beat me to it. Can't wait to tell Halyn.
xxx
Wednesday, June 10, 1981 – Brought more of Halyn's fliers to work today. She is getting quite a reputation around the Coroner's office and PD. Frank wants to get a portrait done to give his Mom for Christmas, so that's another commission. Halyn might be able to leave Wylie as early as January.
xxx
Monday, July 6, 1981 – Had a great time over the weekend. Went to J's Amusement Park to ride Devil's Coach. Eight times. Stayed for the fireworks, too. Had a little cookout over at Halyn's on Sunday and gave Jeffrey some sparklers. Halyn was a little worried he might burn himself, but he was very careful, bringing us the hot wires when he was done.
Brought a bunch of proofs to the office this morning. I teased Halyn that I've become her messenger boy. Frank seemed very pleased with his.
xxx
Thursday, September 10, 1981 – Thinking about getting Halyn a nice piece of jewelry for Christmas. One of the officers here has a brother who makes jewelry on the side. I've seen some of his stuff. Sterling silver with semi-precious stones. I'm going to see him tomorrow to discuss designs and price. He said he had a lot of stones on hand, so I might be able to order it then. I'm thinking a bracelet of some sort. She wouldn't accept a ring, but she'd like a bracelet…now that I'm making more money, I can get her something nice. Not sure why I want her to wear a piece of jewelry I've given her. Territorial, maybe? It seems like something people in love do…I like that.
xxx
Sunday, September 13, 1981 – Halyn's Christmas present is a done deal. Went to see the jeweler, John Martin. His workshop is in his garage. It may be humble but the stuff he makes is beautiful. I picked out a picture jasper cabochon that I think Halyn will like…looks just like a painting…and we sat right there and designed the bracelet. It'll be ready in two weeks.
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Thursday, September 17, 1981 – Must be broken car day at the Coroner's office. I gave three guys a lift home. Didn't get home until 8:30. I hate the freeway.
xxx
Monday, October 5, 1981 – John stopped by the Lab today to drop off the bracelet. He did a magnificent job. I couldn't resist showing it to Frank. I caught myself babbling about Halyn…it must have been the excitement of the moment. I never bring personal stuff to work This is the first really nice gift I've been able to give her. It's going to be hard to wait until Christmas.
xxx
Wednesday, December 23, 1981 – There's been a building collapse in Pasadena. Three story apartment building. Eight deaths, including three children. Suspicious circs. We're all hands on deck until we process evidence from the scene. Called Halyn to let her know Christmas may be on hold until the weekend.
xxx
Sara turned the page to find it blank. She flipped several more pages – all blank. She turned to Grissom, "We're the rest?"
"There isn't any more." That was when she saw the muscles in his jaw working again, "My God, Grissom, did Halyn die?"
Taking a deep breath, he reached for the journal in her lap, closing the book and smoothing his hand over the cover several times before setting it down on the coffee table. He shook his head. "No, Halyn didn't die. I did."
To Be Continued... Chapters 5 and 6 to follow shortly
