Time for some comfort I think. Dimitri needs a hug.
Part 38
Dimitri POV
The drive back to Court was quiet.
Janine, Pavel and Abe took Tasha in one car, determined to keep her away from Roza. While the rest of us were in the van Sage had driven to meet us.
Vasilisa had explained that they managed to get away from Court due to her and Adrian using compulsion. If they had asked for a car and to be allowed off Court grounds, they would have been denied. Also, they didn't want the news of what had happened to Roza spreading.
Hans was made aware of it and had agreed to keep it quiet. If the Council found out that another Strigoi had been restored, we would all be getting attention we didn't want. I had to go through their scrutiny, jumping through hoops until they deemed me not a threat, and I didn't want Roza to go through that too.
She was back to being withdrawn, though now she clung to me. Her hand nestled in between mine as she stared ahead, unfocused.
There wasn't too much coming from her through the bond, just emotions jumping from one to the next. From anger to sorrow, confusion to remorse. And then it would go through the cycle again.
Every now and then, there would be a sliver of understanding or hope, but they were short-lived.
I watched her carefully from the corner of my eye, wanting to make sure she was okay but not crowd her too much. When she was ready, she would talk to me. At least, she was allowing me near her again. I had laid my duster around her shoulders; the clothes she was wearing were torn and dirty, covered in blood. Her small form was dwarfed in it, only her hand peeking out from the material.
Her other hand appeared, playing with the bracelet still on her wrist. Slowly her eyes lift to mine. "You put this on me."
I nodded, dipping my head down to be closer. Not that anyone would overhear us, both Vasilisa and Adrian were asleep, and Christian was staring out the window with a pensive look on his face. "I remembered how your ring had affected me, and I thought it might do the same to you." Thankfully, that turned out to be right. I saw the way she was fighting herself as we stared at each other before Vasilisa restored her.
If she hadn't stopped struggling, we would have had to be more aggressive to keep her still enough to be staked.
Roza nodded in acknowledgement, eyes dropping. She didn't speak again for the rest of the drive. It was only my concern for her that kept my eyes open and alert.
Returning the car to the garage went easier than expected, Abe speaking to the attendant there, just as he had to the guardians at the gate when we arrived back at Court. Zmey's pull was endless, it seemed.
Janine had already made arrangements for Tasha, Hans and two other guardians were waiting for us. There was awkwardness between Christian and Vasilisa; he kept glancing at Roza and then back at Tasha. Finally, he decided to go with his aunt as she was led to the holding cells to be questioned.
Hans stayed back as the other guardians left; he stood with his arms crossed, "We received the information you provided and will do our own investigation. Until then, Lady Ozera will stay in the cells."
"What will happen to her?" Roza asked, surprising us by speaking up. Adrian and Vasilisa remained by her side; they were both exhausted, though it seemed them combining their power to restore Roza had made it take less of a toll on their bodies.
"If found guilty, it will go to the Council and then to trial." Hans' eyes studied Roza, making her shift back under his gaze. Seeming satisfied, he turned to address her parents. "Let's continue this in my office. Andrews, take Princess Dragomir and Lord Ivashkov to their homes. I will contact you when I'm ready for you to tell me how exactly you got off Court unnoticed. Again."
The two Moroi nodded. Vasilisa hugged Roza, whispering something to her, only releasing her after she nodded. Soon it was just Roza and me with her parents and Hans.
"Why don't you take Rose and get some rest. I'm sure this can wait until later." Abe commented, holding Hans' gaze, challenging the man.
Hans raised an eyebrow but agreed gruffly. "Come by my office in the afternoon."
Acknowledging the order, I wrapped my arm around Roza's shoulder and led her to the dorms. We drew some eyes, but no one stopped us to question our appearances; no doubt we both looked as tired as we felt. I just wanted to get her cleaned up and in bed, then hold her close while we slept.
We needed to talk. Roza definitely needed to; I could see the questions building behind her eyes. It would be easier to answer them all once we were alone.
The bond was still coming back to me; I wasn't sure how much she felt yet. Regardless, I would send calming waves through to her, sending my love. Keeping it small enough not to overwhelm her, just enough that she knew I was there for her.
I couldn't imagine what Roza had gone through when I returned and pushed her away every moment I saw her. When I thought she was going to do the same to me, my heart felt like it was going to tear into pieces, and after already losing her once today, I couldn't take that again.
She will be mad. I understood that. She could even hate me, but I wasn't going to lose her again. Never again.
I opened her door for her, waiting at the threshold for her to go in.
"Shouldn't I be kept in the cells as well?" She asked, voice void of the emotions churning inside.
Her question didn't surprise me, "You aren't going to hurt anyone." I replied, slipping my hand in hers, using my hold to guide her in and close the door.
She stood in the middle of the room, not moving.
This stillness. It reminded me of when Mason had died. Roza became lost in herself, in her guilt and grief. I would find her just staring off into space, her usual spark missing in everything she did.
I removed my duster, then walked into her bathroom, fiddling with the taps until it was warm enough. Eyeing her reaction, I took her hands and led her in. "Would you like me to help?" I asked.
After a moment, she dipped her head. I reached through the bond, feeling for anything that said otherwise, wanting to make sure I wasn't pushing her. I helped her out of her clothes, taking the chance to see for myself that her injuries were gone, even looking for ones that were there before she turned.
Grazing my knuckle against the column on her neck where the bite marks had been, then over her heart where I watched her be staked twice today. I stepped around her to undo the clasp of her bra, fingers running over the spot Christian's fireballs had burnt. No marks remained, only the memories of what happened.
"Were you scared that you would?"
I returned to my spot in front of her, lifting her chin to see her face, "Scared of what?"
Her bottom lip trembled, "That you would hurt people again." As she spoke, I felt her fears spike, as if she had stopped trying to hide them.
I wanted to ease them, tell her that she never would, but I also knew she didn't need just words of comfort. "Yes," I admitted. "Every time I felt anger or irritation. Any emotion that felt powerful enough that I might lose control, I was scared that I would. So I tried to close myself off, to not react. Even how much I wanted you, it scared me because I was worried it was still because I wanted to possess you. But over time, I learnt to trust myself again, realising that when I saw you, I felt love and passion."
A lone tear ran down her cheek; I brushed it away, continuing, "It will take time, but soon it will pass."
"I still feel so…confused," Her eyes lifted to mine, "That's how it was for you too, right?"
I nodded. "Dying and being restored… it's a lot to process and move past."
When Roza became silent again, I continued to help her out of her clothes and then stripped my own. The bathroom had filled with steam by the time I pulled her under the spray, the water washing the blood off her body. I took my time, scrubbing away the grime.
It had been a long time since I had seen this much of Roza, been able to touch her like this. It wasn't sexual; the moment was instead about taking care of her. Though, I couldn't ignore the fact she was beautiful.
She was still healing, but Roza had come back to me. Her skin had colour to it again, a light dusting of red to her cheeks, even a shine to her eyes. The red rings were gone. And the warmth of her body was a stark difference from the coldness I felt when I held her after she died.
I will be haunted by that memory for the rest of my life. Fearing the day that may happen again and there will be nothing I could do to save her. This time we were fortunate, but there was still a cost. Next time I may lose her forever.
It was selfish of me, but I was grateful to have her back even though the consequences of our choices today would follow Roza for the rest of her life.
But Roza was alive again. She was alive.
Her hand on my face pulled me from my thoughts, blinking in surprise. Her eyebrows were furrowed in concern. "You're crying. What's wrong?"
I hadn't even noticed—a strained breath forcing its way from my chest. "You died. I held you, and I felt when -" I cut myself off as a lump formed in my throat, unable to continue. Scolding myself, now was the time to focus on Roza, not myself.
Her eyes filled with understanding, stepping closer to me and wrapping her arms around me, hands moving down my spine. She was giving me comfort, and I greedily took it. I dropped my head to rest against her, wrapping my arms around her tightly. Finally, I released all the grief I had been pushing down.
XxX
Rose POV
It was warm as it filled my mouth, overflowing and escaping out the corners. I pulled back enough to see Lissa's face, eyes still open, the life in them gone. I dropped her body to the ground, joining the others that laid forgotten at my feet.
I had killed the guardians first. Ripping out my mother's throat just as I promised I would, doing so in front of my father. Her blood coated the wall like a new layer of paint. Sage died trying to save Lissa, a worthless death.
Lissa had cried as I drained Christian dry and begged me to stop, thinking she could somehow still save me.
"Please, Rose! Don't!"
Her screams were like sweet music to my ears, and her blood had tasted even better.
All that was left now was him. Lying unconscious on the ground from my hit to his face, now he was starting to wake. I watched, enjoying his mask break as he took in the carnage around him. As he had laid there, I killed everyone.
There was no one left to save. Not even himself.
"I warned you, Dimitri," I smirked, stepping over the bodies towards him.
"Oh god, Roza." He breathed out, pain written clearly on his face.
I flipped my hair over my shoulder with a laugh, "What? You think this is my fault? No, comrade, this is all yours." He was still on the ground, seeming unable to work up the will to stand. I gripped his hair, using it to angle his head up to me. Doing so showed the smooth skin of his neck, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "You made me like this, chose this for me."
"I never wanted you to -"
"But you did," I shushed him. I chuckled darkly, "It's what you always wanted."
Maintaining my grip on his hair, I stepped over him and lowered myself to my knees in front of him so that we were at eye level. I leant forward, dragging my tongue up his throat, choosing the spot I wanted to bite.
"This isn't what I wanted," Dimitri choked out, trying to put strength behind his words, but falling flat. "I just wanted to save you."
"I am saved. No longer having to follow their rules, I'm free." I replied, lips pressed against his skin. He shivered from the feel of me pressed so close, body tensing. "And now, I will free you too."
I heard him inhale sharply, sounding pained and distraught. He whispered in a broken tone, "Forgive me, Roza."
I paused, about to pull back when I felt a stabbing pain in my back. Eyes wide as I realised what he was doing. He was forcing his stake through.
I screamed, trying to break free, but his arms wrapped around me, pinning me in place as he forced the metal in further.
Our eyes met, tears flowing from his, determination set on his face despite how much it was breaking him to do this.
My scream cut off as he pierced my heart. There was no bright light. No spirit to save me.
I was dead, and Dimitri had killed me.
I jerked up in bed, screaming as the pain of being staked followed me to the waking world. At the same time, Dimitri woke with a cry, taking in quick, shallow breaths beside me.
My eyes flicked around the dark room, trying to make sense of everything. We weren't at that house anymore; the piles of bodies that had surrounded me were now the minimal furniture in my room at the guardian dorms.
It had all felt so real, the feeling of the blood on my tongue. The pure sick pleasure I took in it. And then the feeling of Dimitri killing me.
I cringed back when the bedside lamp turned on, the light blinding me momentarily. When my eyes focused, I saw Dimitri staring at me, fresh tears on his face.
"Roza… I -"
I stood from the bed, holding a hand out to silence him. We had another shared dream. My hand was clenched over my heart, my body shaking from both fear and anger. There was so much anger.
"Why did you do it?" I demanded, "Why did you make me one of them?"
He took another deep breath, the sound strained. "You were dying. We weren't going to be able to get help in time. There was so much blood and… Janine suggested it, and I -"
"Just thought 'why the hell not?'" I yelled, throwing my hands up, "You enjoyed it so much. Why not put Rose through it too!"
"No!" He bellowed, "I didn't want to. God, Roza, I never wanted you to experience that!"
"Then why the hell did you let them?"
"Because I couldn't lose you!" He cried, voice breaking from the emotion in it.
I felt it hit me, all of his sorrow and guilt. His grief. The bond was no longer being numbed, the connection strengthening between us again. Tears of frustration filled my eyes, falling down my cheeks.
Dimitri dropped his head to his hands; shoulders slumped, "I couldn't lose you, so I made the selfish decision to bring you back."
I turned from him, pacing in the small area of my room. I felt violated, betrayed by the one I loved most. He took away my choice and made me one of the monsters that we hunted. The same thing that wore his face for months, taunting me and using me for weeks.
I wanted to hate him. I should hate him for doing something so unforgivable. But I couldn't, not when I would have done the same thing. If our roles were reversed, I would have taken the risk to save him.
I could feel the anger leaving my body, leaving me worn. I slumped on the edge of the bed, staring ahead. "There was no other choice?"
"If we hadn't, you would be dead. Hell, I didn't even know if it had worked at first. When I felt you die, I thought that was it."
I couldn't remember too much after Robert had stabbed me, only the pain fading away just as everything else did. Dimitri's face hovering over mine, the look of fear in his eyes. I couldn't imagine losing Dimitri like that, not after the pain I went through after the caves. The pain he must have gone through when the bond broke once I died.
The fear of losing the one you love makes you desperate.
I reached behind me, laying my hand over his. "I understand," I told him, "I get why… I'm still—I don't know—being that, even for a couple of hours. It's a lot to work through. But I get why you did it."
I felt relief go through him, a weight lifting. He hadn't made the decision lightly and would have lived with the guilt of it for the rest of his life if I didn't forgive him.
"Today could have gone very differently," I whispered. I could have killed Pavel and everyone in that house. Granted, everything could have been avoided if not for Tasha, in both giving me a chance to escape and handing me to Robert.
His fingers laced through mine, squeezing, "I'm so sorry, Roza. I never wanted you to feel this way. I had hoped if I could stop you from hurting anyone, then it would be easier, but I couldn't even do that."
"That's because of Tasha and no one else," I insisted. I wasn't going to let Dimitri carry any of the guilt for her actions.
He became quiet, regret weighing him down still, "I'm sorry. If I knew she was… I didn't think her feelings for me would make her do something like this."
I snorted, looking over my shoulder at him, "She was obsessed with you. She thought the bond was the reason why you didn't like her, which is why killing me was the only option." I shifted back on the bed, swinging my legs around, so my back was against the headboard, retaking Dimitri's hand, "She's kind of insane."
Dimitri sighed, nodding. The events of the last two days had taken their toll on him, the drawn lines of exhaustion on his face. On top of everything else, Dimitri also lost a friend today.
I tugged on his hand, encouraging him to lay down again. He looked at me, slightly bewildered, but didn't stop me as I pressed up against him, shifting until my head was resting on his chest and his arms around my back. "Sleep," I told him, "We can deal with everything later. But right now, let's just sleep."
With some of the air cleared between us, I felt more of the bond from him. The sparks shooting up my arm whenever his fingertips grazed the skin. His elation at having me in his arms made a slight smile pull at my lips. As I felt myself being pulled under by my exhaustion, I sent my love through to him, feeling his in return.
There is going to be two more chapters after this, and then an epilogue. I am excited and sad to be bringing this story to a close, but it's been a fun ride :)
