Back to just Rose POV. Enjoy!

Part 39

We slept for a couple more hours; the nightmares didn't wake me again though I still had them. I couldn't even remember what they were of, but I remembered the feeling of fear and craving blood. Each time it would become too much, and I felt trapped; I would feel a warm presence next to me, pulling me back. It made me feel safe.

I woke in Dimitri's arms, having shifted to lying on our sides, facing each other with my head tucked under his chin. My body slotted in perfectly against his, feeling like this was where I belonged.

I should have been in them as soon as I was restored.

It was all too much at the time. The whole being brought back to life thing definitely messed with your mind; everything became confusing and muddled. I saw Dimitri, and I just thought of how I had attacked him. I didn't want to give myself the chance to do it again. I may not have used my fist to hurt him, but I did when I allowed Adrian to comfort me and not Dimitri.

Some soulmate I am.

I held so much anger and hurt against Dimitri when he turned to Lissa and not me, and yet I did the same. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, but I did learn a lot. I understand Dimitri more now.

Being close to him helped the bond return, feeling our connection again. I was no longer numb to the grief and guilt he felt, but I could also feel his happiness and love. We didn't have a chance to appreciate it when the block disappeared—too busy fighting, and in my case, dying.

I dragged my hand down his chest, annoyed that he had chosen to wear a shirt to bed. It was a strange choice after we had showered together before sleeping. Though he was probably trying to be a gentleman, not wanting to overwhelm me. All I wanted right now was the feel of his skin against mine.

I reached the hem of his shirt, skirting my fingers under it before slipping under the material. It bunched up as my hand travelled up past his toned stomach and to the firm muscles of his pecs. The electricity from touching him shot up my arm and through my body, making me sigh.

He was feeling it, too, a soft moan escaping him. The feeling woke him up, eyes blinking slowly at me. It was still dark out; we never turned off my bedside lamp, so a dim glow lit the room.

"Roza," He murmured, voice gruff from sleep. His arms tightened, pulling me closer. "I'm not dreaming, am I?"

I shook my head, "No, comrade. This is real." My death really affected him, sensing his distress; it only eased after a moment of holding me. Just as when he had come back, I always wanted to reach for him to prove he was real. Alive.

"How do you feel?"

I paused, thinking of how to answer, "Well, I can feel, so that's an improvement."

Dimitri hummed, trailing his fingers down my arm and back, enjoying the feeling of the sparks from our touch. He hadn't felt them before, and now he could.

"There's still stuff I need to work through about what happened. People I have to apologise to," I continued, thinking of Pavel. "And people I needed to thank." Lissa and Adrian popped into my mind. They both risked a lot to save me.

After talking to Dimitri about why they turned me, I had let go of some of the anger, but it was still there. I would need to speak to my mother—something I was already dreading.

"You can take your time. You don't need to do everything at once. If you need more time to process, then take it."

I frowned, "I'm sorry, Dimitri."

That caught him off guard, pulled back to look down at me in question, "What are you sorry about?"

"I wasn't very understanding when you were restored. What you are doing for me now, that's what I should have done for you."

I was suddenly rolled onto my back, Dimitri shifting so his face was hovering above mine, "Roza, you can't think like that. That was different. You didn't know what I was going through because I pushed you away and ended up hurting you. I know what to do now only because I've been through it myself. You can't compare it."

"But, I -"

"No." He told me firmly, "You still brought me back to myself. Don't regret your actions because you can't change them. We have to just keep moving forward."

I chewed on my bottom lip, "Even the fact I let Adrian take care of me instead of you?"

His expression soured, "I will admit, I didn't like that. But I understand, and in the end, you came back to me."

Love poured into me through the bond, and I was able to send it back to him. It felt amazing to have the connection between us flow both ways; I would never tire of the feeling. I never experienced someone else being able to know every part of me. I had grown so used to the one-sided bond with Lissa that Dimitri having access to my thoughts and feelings made me a little nervous.

"What's wrong?" He asked, head tilted to the side.

My face flushed, "It's going to take some getting used to. You knowing what I'm thinking," I admitted. "I mean, I like it. It's just different."

Dimitri laughed softly, smiling down at me, "I've always known what you were thinking, Roza."

I couldn't disagree with him. Dimitri could always read me, knowing me better than anyone else ever has. "At least that hasn't changed," I mused out loud. I reached up to push the loose strands of his hair behind his ear; it slipped back out, so I twisted it around my finger. "Everything else will change, though."

He dipped his head, kissing my palm, "Things will be different, but we will get through it together. You have your parents and your friends that will help you through everything."

"My bond with Lissa is gone."

Dimitri didn't seem surprised, though he was sympathetic. "I'm sorry."

I shrugged, "It'll be an adjustment, but I'm also a little glad. Does that make me a bad friend?" I love Lissa and would do anything for her. But not having to take the darkness from her, risking going insane, lifted a weight off my chest. Then guilt would hit me because I felt like I was abandoning her to deal with it alone.

"I'm glad it's gone as well. I never liked you taking the darkness," He admitted, "Being happy that you won't be affected by it anymore doesn't make you a bad friend." Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to my forehead, "You'll always be there to help her."

His face was so close to mine now, gazing down at me with affection. His smile made my stomach flip. I lifted my head, our lips meeting in a sweet kiss. It was just a press of my lips against his, but it felt perfect.

Dimitri was right. We will get through everything together.


It was late in the afternoon when we went to meet with Hans. The walk to Headquarters had taken longer than usual—both of us choosing to amble in the rising sun. I wasn't Strigoi long enough to appreciate the loss of the sun, but I recognised the beauty of being able to stand in it again.

It wasn't even just because I had been Strigoi, but also because I had technically died again. When I died, and Lissa brought me back as shadow-kissed, I wasn't aware of it until years later. But this time, I was aware of how close I was to leaving this world and those I cared for behind. Everything felt more precious now.

Walking through Headquarters, I almost expected guardians to stop and stare at me the way they had at Dimitri. No one even glanced in our direction, and when they did, it was at Dimitri and not me.

My body didn't show any signs of what I went through, only my hair did, and I had pulled it up into a bun to hide the singed ends. Whereas Dimitri's face was sporting a large bruise on his chin. I suppose I should be thankful that that was all that showed when he was dressed. I had discovered when changing that the reason Dimitri wore a shirt was that his back and chest was black and blue from our fight. He wanted to cover it so that I wasn't upset by it.

It just showed how out of it I was in the shower that I didn't notice them.

Dimitri led the way, and I trailed behind him with uncertainty gnawing at my insides. Sure, Dimitri said that I wouldn't hurt anyone and wouldn't be put in a holding cell. But what if Hans says otherwise? What if the Council finds out and wants to test me as well?

Dimitri had gone through it and passed everything, even gaining his job back. But would they really allow an ex-Strigoi guard Lissa, especially when I have already built a reputation as a trouble maker?

"Breathe, Roza," Dimitri whispered in my ear, hand squeezing mine. "Everything will be okay."

A sense of calm washed over me, helping me slow my rapid heartbeat. I shook my head, pushing my fears away. It was stupid.

I had dealt with people talking behind my back before, with people scrutinising every action I took. This shouldn't affect me this much.

Dimitri turned me to face him, hands on my shoulder, "It's okay to be worried. You aren't alone in this. Remember that."

My eyes were locked on his, feeling the truth of his words. I took a deep breath, grounding myself again. "Okay." I agreed. I noticed we were outside Hans' office, the doors within reach. I looked back at Dimitri and nodded. Let's do this.

He nodded in response, lacing his fingers through mine and knocking.


Hans eyed me, narrowing on my eyes first and then the sun that was hitting my skin. I didn't doubt he purposely had his blinds opened for this very reason. He shifted in his seat, leaning his elbows on his desk, "Good to have you back, Hathaway."

"Thank you, sir," I replied.

I darted my eyes to the other side of the room; my parents had joined us for our meeting, Pavel standing at the back of the room. I haven't been able to meet his eyes yet. Even my mother's were difficult, whether because I told her I wanted to rip her throat out or because she's the one that came up with the idea to turn me, I wasn't sure.

We were already on rocky ground in our relationship before I was kidnapped. Now, I had no idea where I stood on everything.

Abe had pulled me into a hug, being more open with his affection than I had expected, especially in front of Hans.

"So I've had a chance to look into your allegations against Lady Ozera and the evidence. We have enough to keep her in the holding cells for the time being. Then it will be up to the Council to decide the next steps." Hans explained, eyes shifting back to me, "You will need to give a statement of your encounters with both Lady Ozera and Ethan Moore."

"Will we be able to keep the details of what happened to Rosemarie yesterday out of the report?" Janine asked.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye; she almost sounded concerned. Probably because she didn't want her reputation tainted by having an ex-Strigoi as a daughter. That thought soured my mood, shoulders slumping. Dimitri glanced over at me, but I shook my head.

"I'll try, but if it goes to trial, it could come up."

My chest tightened at his words. Keeping the anxiety off my face, I shrugged, acting nonchalant. "So what if it does? Doesn't make her any less guilty."

Hans agreed, "We will deal with that bridge when we come to it. Get your statements to me as soon as possible so that I can move it through quickly. Once people learn that a Royal Moroi is in the cells, there is going to be a lot of talk."

We stood from our chairs, dismissed from the meeting.

"And, Hathaway," Hans called, Janine and I both looking back at him, but his eyes were on me, "The Queen will be informed of everything that happened in the last forty-eight hours."

I cringed inwardly, keeping my expression impassive. "Of course."

I appreciated his warning, not that I should be surprised that Tatiana would be told. But it was what she chose to do with that information that concerned me the most. One word from her, and I was off Lissa's team.

Don't let it stress you. Dimitri's voice floated into my head. But I knew he was thinking the same as me.

My parents were waiting for me out in the hallway. Abe grinned at me, "How about you join us for dinner?" Not even trying to make it seem like a request.

I sighed, knowing I was going to have to face them eventually. "Sure. But Dimitri is coming as well." I wasn't sure where my mother stood on the whole soulmate thing now, but there was no way I could survive dinner without him.

"Of course, Rose," Janine replied, voice flat as always, but there was a softness in her eyes that didn't used to be there.

Abe held his hand out in front of him, "Excellent. Shall we?"


I had never had a family dinner, other than the times I shared with Lissa's family. Not that I really counted those because they weren't my family. I never even thought I would have a family dinner with my mother, let alone with my father and soulmate.

I kept fiddling with the napkin in my lap as we sat in silence. Abe had ordered the food to be delivered to his suite, which I was thankful for. I didn't feel up to being surrounded by other people yet.

Even being here was pushing it.

Pavel stood guard by the door; I still couldn't look at him. My breath had hitched when he turned his head earlier, and I caught sight of the healing bite mark. Since then, I had been keeping my eyes focused on the table, only half-heartedly listening to the conversation that Abe was managing to carry on his own.

If I didn't risk the disapproval of both Dimitri and Janine, I would have helped myself to some of the alcohol stocked in Abe's fridge.

Roza?

My eyes snapped up, looking back at the three sets of eyes on me. "What?"

Janine's lips pressed together, "I was asking how your meal is." Her voice was strained, the emotion in it unclear.

I looked back down at the half-eaten burger and fries. I had ordered it thinking that eating something I enjoyed would make me feel better, but instead, I barely had the appetite for it. The bites I took were more for Dimitri's benefit when I felt his concern for me.

I shrugged in response, "It's okay." Honestly, it could be the greatest burger in the world, and I would have no idea. While I may have been feeling better, I realised that I was still just going through the motions. I had hoped that dying wouldn't have affected me much; now, I knew that was wishful thinking.

Dimitri's fingers wrapped around mine, squeezing them to provide some comfort, his love coming through the bond a constant since we arrived. It wasn't enough. All I wanted was to be back in my room, curled up in bed and pretending that everything was just a horrible dream.

"Rosemarie," Janine started, drawing my attention back to her. She shared a look with Abe before continuing, "I want to talk about the choice I made in regards to… to saving you."

I clenched my jaw. Of course, Janine brings up the conversation I had been dreading.

Saving me. I couldn't deny that may have been the thought behind it when she decided to turn me Strigoi. I also couldn't deny that they had actually saved me in the end.

I didn't know how to balance being grateful to be alive but hating that to achieve that, I was forced to become a monster.

It would be easier to accept it if Robert had decided to turn me and not people I trusted.

I sat up in my chair, pushing away my plate. "We don't have to talk about that."

"I would like to," She continued, "I want you to know that I only made that choice because I couldn't bear to lose you. I know I don't always show it."

I had to bite back my scoff at her words. She never showed it.

"But I love you, Rosemarie."

I stood from my chair, not able to stay in this conversation for much longer. "I get that. I do." I forced out. Glancing at Dimitri, knowing that my response was similar to what I told him earlier. "I'm just still sorting through everything, okay. I need time."

Her disappointment was clear on her face, and then it was gone and replaced by her guardian mask. "Of course. I understand."

I was feeling my guilt build. They had lost their daughter, I died, and they probably mourned me as Dimitri had, and I hated that I wasn't able to give them what they needed to help move past that. But there was too much that I was going through to give them what they needed.

"I'm sorry, I need to go." I didn't even wait for Dimitri, turning on my heel and rushing out the door of the suite. I had to get away from them; it was too much.

I ran until my lungs burned, greedily gasping for air, leaning my hands on my knees. I felt hot tears running down my cheeks, dripping onto the grass below me. Of all the places to run to, I didn't expect to end up in the garden I had planted. It was late enough now that only a scattering of people were out, none bothering to pay attention to the lone dhampir crying in the gardens.

They would be looking at me if they knew what I was.

I scolded myself, feeling like an idiot for being so affected by something that I had only been for a couple of hours. Dimitri had been one for months. Hell, even Sonya was Strigoi for years, and yet you don't see them out here crying.

I collapsed onto the ground, holding my head in my hands.

I was there for a couple of minutes before I felt him approaching, not saying a word as he lowered himself to the ground beside me. It was only after I had composed myself that I glanced at him.

Dimitri leaned back on his hands, eyes closed with his head angled up to the sun. He was calm, patient.

My own insecurities convincing me he thought less of me for how I was handling it. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

His eyes opened, the brown becoming caramel in the sun, "You're allowed to feel, Roza. There is nothing wrong with how you deal with your trauma."

I shook my head. Of course, he had a zen lesson all prepared. I picked at the grass, ripping up the blades, "I'm weak."

"No, you aren't. You're still healing."

"Everything was finally good again," I mumbled. "Why does it feel like every time I think I could be happy, things get harder?"

Over and over, things would go wrong when I would find some happiness. The car crash. Mason. The caves.

I had been looking forward to returning to Court because Dimitri and I were going to complete the bond, but now I was too busy having breakdowns.

Dimitri wrapped an arm around me, tugging my body over until my head rested on his chest. The warmth of his body felt better than the sun. "No one expects you to be unaffected by what happened. So you shouldn't expect it either." His voice was like honey, sweet and warm. "I will be with you the whole time, Roza. Things will get better again."

I looked up at him, "Promise?"

The corners of his lips turned up, "I promise."

I pressed up close to him again, refusing to move from his embrace or from the sun, and it seemed he was happy to stay as well.


I liked that Dimitri would hold my hand everywhere we went now. Something I could get used to. Even when he would duck his head down to kiss my forehead when my thoughts would deviate into darker territory.

Without even asking, he had opened the curtains the covered my window, letting the light in. Our connection between us and the fact he had been through this before was an advantage. While it made me feel sad I couldn't have done the same for him, I appreciated it.

I sat in my bed, legs pulled to rest my chin on my knees. Dimitri had disappeared to his room to change clothes; I was considering just asking if he wanted to put in a request for a shared room. If we were going to be sleeping in the same bed, we might as well get a space big enough for both of us. Those rooms were often saved for soulmate couples, dhampir and Moroi living together. Two dhampirs were uncommon.

We still needed to complete the bond. Granted, our connection was already so strong. I hadn't heard of soulmates being able to share their thoughts like we could without having completed it first. It made me wonder what it would be like once we did.

It was hard to imagine how our connection could become more than it already was.

I had been so excited to complete the bond, but now I wasn't sure I was ready anymore. I wanted it to be perfect, only love between us. But right now, there was so much self-doubt and conflicted feelings.

I loved Dimitri, that much I knew for sure; and I wanted to complete the bond. But not yet.

Dimitri let himself back into my room, a small duffle in hand. At my raised eyebrows, he explained, "Saves me going back and forth." He threw a protein bar onto the bed at my feet as he passed to the bathroom, "You need to eat."

There was no point fighting him, picking up the bar and taking a small bite. I wondered if my appetite would come back soon, a lingering effect of being turned.

It was a short time, but my body had changed. My senses improved to extents I never thought I would experience. I knew that Strigoi had amazing sight and hearing; even Dimitri had explained it to me, but seeing for myself was more than I expected.

"Do you ever miss it?"

Dimitri paused in the bathroom doorway, wearing just sweat pants. He studied me for a moment, understanding flashing in his eyes. "Being Strigoi?"

"Not the killing or hunger. Obviously." I quickly amended. I had expected some judgement for my question, but he didn't judge me. It gave me the confidence to continue. "The strength you had, and the whole being able to see and hear everything. Do you miss it?"

He took a moment to think about it, mulling the question over. "I have thought of how it would be useful sometimes. Especially the strength and speed. But it isn't worth everything else."

I nodded, forcing myself to take another bite. "Makes me surprised that I've managed to kill so many now that I know how strong they are. I mean, it took three of you to hold me down and Christian throwing fireballs at me."

"Well," He started, perching on the edge of the mattress, "you are hard to beat as a dhampir. It's not that surprising you that you almost bested us."

I eyed his board shoulders, a collection of bruises colouring the skin. I reached forward to trail my hand down his back lightly. He glanced over his shoulder with a sad smile.

"They'll fade. Even the bite on Pavel's neck, it will fade. And over time, everything else will become easier."

"You forgive me?" I asked in a small voice. The logical part of me knew he did. Just as it wasn't him that did everything as Strigoi, it wasn't me either. But there was that still tiny voice in the back of my head.

His hand caught mine, turning his body to bring it up to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "Yes, Roza. None of it was your fault, so don't blame yourself."

I knew it, but I now realise it was easier said than done. The corner of my mouth quirked up, "You must have hated every time I said that to you."

He huffed a laugh, "It takes time to accept it."

I looked up, his eyes locking with mine, both taking the time to appreciate the other still being here. That we were both saved and given another chance.

His hand reached forward, ghosting along my collar bone, where the necklace he had bought me used to sit. I dropped my eyes, "I lost it. I don't know where. I'm sorry."

When he suddenly stood, I started to panic, watching as he crossed to his duster where it hung at my door, fishing through the pockets. He returned to the bed with something in his hand. Climbing on the bed, he let it slip between his fingers—my necklace.

I looked up at him with wide eyes, "You found it."

"I did," He answered with a warm smile, "I cleaned it up but then forgot I had it in my pocket. Now I can give it back."

I gathered my hair as he reached behind me to clasp the chain, letting it drop around my neck. His fingers slid along the chain, down to the white opal.

"Beautiful."

I cupped the back of his neck, gently pulling him down until I could reach his lips, snaking my arms around him when in reach. The kiss was full of passion, moving slowly against one another, taking our time. We only broke apart when the need for air became too much.

Gazing into each other's eyes, I knew things would be okay. As long as I had Dimitri, I could make it through anything.

I love you, Dimitri.

I love you too, Roza.

The next chapter should be out tomorrow or the next day. Last chapters are hard to write