6

"Oh my goddess…. Other people are wearing shitty sweaters too, some with an old man's face on them. I was told it was Santa? If he is an immortal elf or whatever… why is he old?" Ianto hissed as he snatched the baby off Gwen and she looked at him with confusion.

"What?"

"Come on Sister… keep up. Some people are deliberately wearing ugly sweaters… on purpose!" Ianto said with wide eyes as Gwen collapsed the pram and pushed it to one side, yelling at her kids as they slid around her to run in and join the others who were excitedly waiting for permission to start the Christmas fun.

"Rhys said something about it the other day… I thought he was bullshitting me" she agreed "Oh god… are we supposed to laugh or act like it is normal?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Ianto hissed with horror in a stage whisper "I HATE NOT KNOWING THE FACTS!"

"They didn't train us for this" she agreed, reaching for her child only to find Ianto pouting and clinging to the little beastling. "What are you up to? You want my spawn? I don't think Rhys will give this one up to you, and Andy is smitten too."

"Just for a little while… I love the smell of them when they are still fresh" Ianto said and she laughed at his terminology, clapping him on the shoulder.

They entered to find the kids lined up to military precision in front of their respective stockings, hands clasped behind their backs at parade rest. To an outsider… it might look a bit… er… Cult-ish but they knew their place as they awaited orders.

Ianto walked around the table to stand next to Jack, the little one in his arms sniffling softly against him and he smiled while he said softly "As you were men."

The kids attacked, each snatching their stocking and running for a place to sit and undo them, Jack leaning over to watch what the twins had. It was Fury who got his sticker out first, screaming with delight as he stood on his chair and flourished the tiny blade in the air like he was killing someone.

Jack turned to watch and stood with alarm "Lucifer… what the hell have you got there!"

His son swung to him with crazy wide eyes as he hissed at his father "I has a sticker!"

Jack finally understood what a sticker was… and that every child in the room was suddenly armed with a small weapon that was sufficient to kill a full grown man if used in the correct… what am I saying… of course they know how to kill a man.

"OH MY GOD" Owen screamed nearby as he saw the stickers and Jack sighed with relief as someone else agreed, then he turned to find Owen also had one, swinging it at John who had unwrapped his and was now beginning a miniature sword fight with the medic.

Jack could only gape.

Ianto frowned at him "What's wrong. I told you they were stickers. What did you think I meant?"

Jack snatched up the flat envelope and waved it at Ianto, then he tore it open to pull out the sheet of what he thought would be stickers… like… actual stickers. The picture on the sheet of paper totally threw him and he sat staring at it in silence.

"Well?" Ianto demanded "Did I do it right? A special gift is something wanted, needed or totally unexpectedly lovely… right? So?"

"Ianto… is this… is this…"

"Yeah. I think it's a girl but Owen has agreed not to tell us. Since it's just the one in me… I was not clever enough to grow two sorry… I mean… I know you grew two but is it OK that I grew just one? It does not mean less, does it?" Ianto asked.

"Ianto… you are pregnant" Jack said with awe, looking from the paper to Ianto's face.

"Yes. It' has been so horrible to keep it from you, like a lie. I hate that, we agreed no lies but… this doesn't count, right? Right?"

Jack rose from his chair "YOU ARE PREGNANT!"

"Yes."

"You spared with a Judoon yesterday… broke an external wall!" Jack said with horror.

"Yeah. Brilliant right?"

Jack looked around the room and saw the faces full of gleeful expectation. Oh god. Gwen had worked up until she squatted one afternoon and screamed with pain, forcing the baby out onto the dirt, then rising and scooping it up to wade into the water to wash it clean… then she continued to yells order at those working on the new pumping system's set up while Owen calmly cut the cord. Right. Meatsticks.

"I … I don't have words" Jack finally said "I … wow. Yes, brilliant… wow. Shit."

Everyone cheered as Jack did the right thing, even as he sat back and silently freaked out. He had NO idea what a Meatstick pregnancy was like but the DDs he had seen around him had been… well… not normal.

He had seen a woman slap her partner across the room or trying to refill her glass… one day one stood up and screamed like she was dying, then sat back down and complained about the heat while her mate fanned her with a bored expression.

He knew he had a lot to learn about the gestational ways of these bio-enhanced creatures he loved so much.

And deep down… he knew he was in for a real education.