Author's Note: Okay, I know this chapter is weird as all hell, but I was cut off from the internet for two days about a week ago and this was the result. This is part of my "What if the Sound Five never died?" A/U, but crackier than normal and longer.
Even if, like Kimimaro, one dismissed most of the downsides of the curse seal, there were some issues that had to be addressed. The curse seal consumed; it was a power supplement with a price that was often difficult to pay. It ate at the spirit, the mind, free will, none of which could be prevented even if one stopped using the curse seal altogether, but Kabuto was the physician of the Sound elite as well as being Orochimaru's adjacent, and even if he'd never possessed much of a altruistic streak, the former Leaf-nin had been medic trained and found it difficult to ignore the chance to at least slow down one detrimental aspect of the curse seal. One couldn't heal the soul, or return to a man the capability of independent thought, but as a doctor, Kabuto could certainly stop the rapid deterioration of the body. It wasn't a disease, incurable and eventually lethal, such as Kimimaro's, but a condition, permanent but treatable. The curse seal ate away all the nutrients in the body, more noticeably when in use but consistently while dormant. Mostly iron, calcium, a dangerous combination when taking into account that the Five were still children, and growing. Low calcium meant weak bones, so Kabuto prescribed milk and dairy products, forcing the genin who bought the groceries to bring back wheels of cheese and cartons of 2. Low iron was more difficult, and all of the Five, without exception, had anemia to some degree, made obvious by their bloodless fingers and pale skin, though Kidoumaru was an exception to the latter by virtue of his origins. Still, the effects could be minimized, and meat was required in every meal, even for Kimimaro, who probably would have been a vegetarian had he not been forced to become carnivorous just for the sake of his health.
One of the main concerns of the mission to retrieve Sasuke from the Leaf was the unlikelihood of any of the Four getting much chance to eat, perhaps for days at a time, which would have been uncomfortable though bearable for other shinobi, but potentially deadly for possessors of Orochimaru's personal mark. For weeks beforehand, vitamins and dietary supplements had been practically shoved down their throats, treatment that would have been protested had it not the full weight of Kabuto, with Orochimaru's support, behind it. But even with such preparation, when the Five, one by one, straggled back into Otogakure, they were without exception completely ravenous. The twins came in first, Sakon leaning so heavily against his older brother that Ukon was practically carrying him. Sasuke was second, eyes blank and limping. Less than half an hour later Kimimaro returned, holding an irate Tayuya with a badly broken leg in his arms, Jiroubou trailing behind looking thoughtful. By the time Kidoumaru arrived, coughing blood and dead on his feet, most of the food was already gone, but the Five (plus Sasuke) were still at the table, arguing over who had to grill the next batch of hamburgers. It was only after the spider-nin wandered into the room and offered to eat them raw did Jiroubou reluctantly stand up, irritated that he had again been pushed into kitchen duty but unwilling to let anything be done incorrectly.
Manners were forgotten, for the most part. Sasuke, having only the day before been introduced to the full effects of the curse seal's second level, was initially disgusted by the lack of decorum, but holding back his appetite just for the sake of using utensils soon seemed like an extremely stupid idea, especially when it became apparent that it meant he would have to eat more slowly. To an outsider, the scene would have appeared surreal; all the Sound-nin looked as if they should have been in the hospital, not at the dinner table, what with Tayuya swearing at everyone to pass her the orange juice because she couldn't get up to get it with a broken leg, damn it, and having everything Sakon touched come away red from the blood on the younger twin's hands. Rank and proper behavior was momentarily discarded as Kimimaro and Jiroubou fought over the fruit salad and Ukon quietly passed Kidoumaru a handkerchief so he'd stop coughing up blood onto his leg of chicken. No one mentioned what had happened in their respective battles; just by looking around it was obvious that everyone had come off badly, and none of the Five said anything when Sasuke got up halfway through his portion of broccoli and walked into the adjoining bathroom to throw up. It was only after everyone's appetite had been satiated did it occur to anyone that it might be a good idea for someone to retrieve Kabuto, and only then because Kidoumaru fainted after his first attempt at standing. Rather predictably, knowing Kabuto, which Sasuke did not, the first thing the medic-nin did upon seeing the rather sad state of Orochimaru's personal guard was smile rather brightly and ask if they had enjoyed the imported salmon. Also predictably, only Jiroubou had anything to say about the seasoning. All the others hadn't noticed they'd been eating fish.
Sasuke had not been pleased when the next day, the first thing he'd been told to do after breakfast (milk, sausage and scrambled eggs sprinkled with parmesan) was go to Kabuto for a checkup. He was even less happy with the dietary schedule the healer handed him, which ordered regular meals and almost a complete lack of carbohydrates, which was practically the only food group the curse seal avoided. Kabuto had simply smiled at the Uchiha's protests. "You're still growing, Sasuke-kun, and the curse seal accelerates your metabolism. If you don't eat, it will have a much more drastic effect on you than it used to. You will grow accustomed to the larger food portions, eventually. I assure you, the quantity of food required to keep you healthy is significantly less than what you consumed last night."
Sasuke had never cared much about eating properly, and didn't really care now; he hadn't been told what he could and could not eat since he was eight, and to run away from the restrictions of Konohagakure only to find a totally new set of barriers in Otogakure nearly made the Uchiha apoplectic with fury. But there was nothing to be done; he could no longer ignore meals as he had back in Konoha, only eating just as much as Sasuke felt was sufficient to keep him alive. As Kabuto explained, in that patient, quiet voice of his that made Sasuke want to hit him, if he just wanted to keep up with the Five, much less catch up to Itachi, he had to keep his body in perfect working order. So in the end, all the Uchiha did was grit his teeth and snatch the sheet of restricted foods out of Kabuto's hand before walking out of the clinic to find somewhere to practice his katas.
It was once, just once, that Sasuke disregarded Kabuto's instructions. After being rather icily informed by Kimimaro that only when Sasuke could take on all the Four at once could he possibly become their leader, Sasuke soon found himself sparring with his new teammates in rotation. So far, it had been two weeks and he had only won twice, and both times were against Jiroubou, though whether this was due to the Four's greater experience or the banning of the curse seal during the impromptu fights, Sasuke didn't know, but he still found it frustrating, especially with Kidoumaru, whose overall good humor had instantly grated on Sasuke's nerves from the moment they had first exchanged words. All the twins and Tayuya did was goad him when he lost to them, but Kidoumaru insisted on giving advice, usually while they were still trying to beat on each other. Not only was it ridiculous that someone not even a year older than him thought he had something to teach, but it was extremely distracting, and more than once Sasuke lost his temper, which usually immediately precluded him losing the fight.
"You know," the spider-nin said conversationally one day while hanging upside down over the Uchiha's head while Sasuke struggled to free himself from one of the older Sound-nin's traps, "You might try one of those fire jutsus against me sometime. It's never been tried, but enchanted fire might work to burn away my webs." Sasuke glared up at Kidoumaru, but obligingly moved his hands through the requisite seals, and soon the chakra-imbued web lay in ashes around the Uchiha's feet. Kidoumaru grinned. "Great! You should do much better against me now."
Sasuke sighed. "Don't you ever get tired of handing me ways to beat you?"
The dark-skinned Sound-nin cocked his head. "Beat me?" Two sudden spurts of webbing caught the Uchiha's wrists and rather forcibly slammed him against a nearby tree. "Sasuke-sama, all I have to do is immobilize your hands and all the fire techniques in the world won't help you. But if you start dodging a little faster… then we'll see."
Despite the fact that the Uchiha knew from experience that physical strength alone couldn't free him from Kidoumaru's webs, he still struggled. Sasuke was angry; it wasn't so much that the six-armed shinobi was mocking him so much as he wasn't, that he didn't even think Sasuke was worth his time to gloat over. ((I'm not going to lose today.)) As the curse seal writhed over the Uchiha's skin, the bonds holding Sasuke's wrists began to dissolve. Kidoumaru watched from his position on one of the higher branches, one pair of arms crossed and looking faintly irritated.
"Sasuke-sama, you know that we specifically restricted use of the curse seal for real battles. You're just asking for it when you activate it so frivolously…" The dark-skinned Sound-nin trailed off as he watched his new commander abruptly pale. "Sasuke-sama?" Sasuke didn't answer as his eyes rolled back in his head and he rather ungracefully tumbled face-forward off his perch towards the forest floor below. Kidoumaru swore and dove after him, barely managing to catch the Uchiha before the younger boy crashed onto the tightly packed dirt and broke his neck. The spider-nin hung suspended from his webs less than two feet from the ground with Sasuke in his arms while he tried to slow down his heartbeat to normal levels, before giving a loud sigh and flipping himself upright, placing his charge on a nearby patch of grass after he found his footing. For a moment, Kidoumaru stared down at Orochimaru's newest student and wondered what the hell had happened.
When Sasuke regained consciousness ten minutes later to see Kidoumaru leaning against a nearby tree looking mad enough to kill, the Uchiha instinctually found himself grabbing for a weapon only to realize his kunai pouch was in one of the darker-skinned shinobi's hands.
When Kidoumaru finally spoke, his voice was an odd mix between furious and hysterical. "Sasuke-sama, do you have any idea what Orochimaru-sama would do to me if you were badly hurt while we were sparring? Or worse, died? He'd kill me, and I'm not talking figuratively here. What the hell did you do to yourself that makes you faint just from just activating the curse seal to the first level?" He paused. "Well?"
Sasuke glowered at the older Sound-nin and attempted to push himself to his feet, stumbling slightly in the transition from kneeling to standing but was kept from falling by Kidoumaru, who had moved from his position against the tree and now had a grip on his right upper arm. After taking a moment to regain his balance, the Uchiha roughly pulled himself out of his subordinate's grasp. The scenery only spun a moment before righting itself and Sasuke was again able contemplate moving without feeling like he was about to throw up. By the look on the spider-nin's face, it was obvious Kidoumaru was still waiting for a response. Angry at his own weakness but unable to take it out on himself, Sasuke snapped, "I don't see how it's any of your business. I'm the commander. You answer to me. It doesn't work the other way around."
Kidoumaru threw his hands in the air. "Fine. Fine! Burn yourself out doing God-knows-what, I don't care, but do it when I'm not around. I'm not your babysitter, and I don't want to be held responsible when Orochimaru-sama finds your corpse in the woods some day after you- have you been eating properly? You look paler than normal."
"I ate a sandwich yesterday. What does that matter?"
"Yesterday? My God, you aren't very smart, are you?" From any other member of the Five, the comment would have come out contemptuous. Kidoumaru just sounded pitying. It didn't take Sasuke long to decide he hated pitying more.
"I skipped a few meals. So what? I did it all the time back in Konoha-"
"This isn't Konoha, Sasuke-sama. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you were already in the later stages of anemia. Sure would explain the fainting. You've gotta eat something or you'll be on your deathbed by tomorrow. We probably have some leftovers in the third kitchen… no, that's wrong, Jiroubou finished off the steak this morning." For a moment, the spider-nin seemed stumped, but soon brightened as a thought occurred to him. "Guess we're going out to lunch."
----
Quite frankly, Sasuke hadn't even known a town was close enough to make going out to eat feasible, but in less than an hour Kidoumaru had led him to a small village that was somewhat on the seedy side but still looked like somewhere you could find something to eat. However, no matter how hungry Sasuke was, the building Kidoumaru dragged him into made the Uchiha far too uncomfortable to get much down. "Kidoumaru… why are we here?"
The older Sound-nin glanced up from his deep contemplation of the sautéed calamari in front of him with a look of confusion. "Why? To eat of course."
"Kidoumaru… this is a brothel."
The spider-nin blinked and looked around. "Really? Huh. Never noticed before. Always came here before because they didn't overcook the fish." The dark-skinned shinobi thoughtfully observed a scantily clad women stretching on the bar's countertop for several seconds before shrugging and turning back to his lunch. For a moment, Sasuke stared at his subordinate in disbelief, his embarrassment forgotten.
"Don't you care?"
"Not really. I'm freaky looking and both of us are underage. It's not like any of the women are going to approach us with offers or something. Geez, you're too tense. None of them are actually naked. How much of a prude can you be?"
It was after Kidoumaru not so discreetly told the rest of the Four about the incident that Sasuke- quite unwillingly- found himself forced onto Kabuto's prescribed dieting regime. The rather drastic improvement in his weight and muscle tone at first kept Sasuke from arguing too much whenever Tayuya thrust a hamburger in his face or Sakon handed him a glass of milk when he was thirsty instead of water, but the physical improvements didn't make up, in Sasuke's mind, for the downturn of his psyche. The dreams about beating Itachi (who ate dango to the exclusion of practically everything else) through the power of the food pyramid and daily flossing were bad enough, but when Sasuke in his off moments started wondering how the hell Naruto had gotten so strong when all the boy at was ramen (complex carbohydrates, for God's sake!), he knew something had to be done.
An opportunity to eat something with low food value soon came when Sasuke one day came across Kimimaro sitting quietly with a box of strawberry flavored Pocky by his side, sucking thoughtfully on one stick as he flipped through some tasteless magazine. When Sasuke angrily demanded to know why Kimimaro could eat sweets when it had been forbidden to the rest of them (out of the Kaguya prodigy's hearing, of course), Tayuya was the one who provided an answer, rolling her eyes as she caustically replied. "He's terminal, captain dumb ass. Kimimaro can eat whatever the hell he wants."
Truth be told, Sasuke didn't even like Pocky, but it had been months since he had tasted sugar and the cravings were becoming unbearable, so when the Uchiha later that same week came across a discarded box of Pocky (chocolate this time) with several sticks still inside, he didn't dare pass the chance up. Who knew when something unhealthy would again make itself available?
Later that night, Sasuke was dismayed to find himself with his face positioned over the toilet bowl, feeling nauseous and ill and wondering out loud why the Pocky had reacted so badly to his digestive system. He knew sugar was bad for him, especially now, but he had eaten three fucking sticks, not a box, for the love of God, so why the hell was he puking his guts out at three o'clock in the morning?
"It wasn't the Pocky; Kimimaro likes to poison his leftover snacks because he can be a bastard that way," The talking radish with Kidoumaru's voice explained.
Sasuke blearily looked up at the uncooked vegetable, squinting. "Why are you here?"
"I'm holding your hair back so you don't get half-digested Pocky and dinner all over it and have to take a shower. In your current condition, that would really suck."
"Holding my hair back?" Sasuke thought about it for a minute. True, his hair wasn't hanging in his face like usual, but that still didn't explain… "Since when do radishes have hands?"
There was a moment of silence. It was then that the jalapeño pepper to Sasuke's left (sounding an awful lot like Tayuya, for some reason) blew angrily out through its nose and swore. "Looks like Kimimaro decided to use the hallucinogenic drugs this time around. Fuck it all. There goes our training session tomorrow. I doubt Sasuke-sama will be able to move in the morning, much less spar."
One of the two cooked omelets standing by the doorway gave a shrug. "Looks like you've got everything under control here, Kidoumaru. We're going to bed." It ambled out. The second omelet, identical to the first except for a small dash of paprika, soon followed.
Sasuke woke up the next day with a splitting headache and a solemn vow to never touch anything with little or no food value ever again. He managed to keep to it for almost a month, but then Sakon came across an (unpoisoned) package of buttered, heavily salted popcorn in the back of the pantry and was kind enough to share. As Sasuke happily dug his hand into the bowl of heart-attack inducing carbohydrates while Kidoumaru and Ukon argued over the merits of some lame martial arts movie from the sixties as the action commenced on the screen in front of them, he mentally rewrote the vow. From now on, he wouldn't eat anything unhealthy- unless it was his birthday or something. Or they found more popcorn. Either way.
