Disclaimer: I don't own PotC. Don't even own Tortuga yet, though I'm planning to buy it when I'm rich and famous. Any resemblance to real people and places is purely coincidental. Yeah, right. My ideas for this story mostly come from crazy stuff that really happened. Oh, and I don't own the fractions of moments. Those belong to Piers Anthony, with his Xanth, er, trilogy. Which is twenty-seven books long. I don't own Dweia, I am Dweia (or at least I delude myself into believing that I'm Dweia). Dweia actually belongs to David Eddings. Oh, by the way, Tearlach is really cool. I've spoken with him online. He's the bald one in Jack's crew who isn't the dwarf. Oh, and thanks to Martin, my muse of violence, for the few descriptions of the battle. I don't own Mythbusters. Mythbusters are really cool. "We're escaping from Alcatraz at Mach One!" I should use that quote in my story. Maybe they imprison the people in Alcatraz because they're pirates and no other jail can hold them. "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" belongs to Toby Keith, who is really really awesome.

A/N (5/25/04): I love this chapter. It's so funny. At least the part I can see, which is the first page. Jack and Lyn talking. I mean, it's got to be funny.

Lyn stood behind Jack, admiring him for half a moment before speaking. "Ahoy there, Jack."

Finally someone had gotten his name right! He turned to see who it was. "Oh. It's you. You stole my hat."

"Several times," Lyn agreed. "I meant to give it back to you, but you never came for it."

"Where is it now, love?"

"Your son has it."

"So you've met Junior."

"He kidnapped me. An' don' think ye can get rid o' me. I went on the account."

"You're too young," Jack stated.

"I'm seventeen!" Lyn was very proud of the fact that she was seventeen.

"You should be thirty-five."

"That's how old you have to be to be President, not to be a pirate."

"Twenty years ago you were fifteen."

"Oh. That. It has to do with the time-flow, since we live in different times. Ask Tom. He could explain it."

"I'd really rather not." Jack sighed. "Care for a drink?"

Lyn pouted. "I'm too young."

"I thought we just went over this, love."

"The law says you have to be twenty-one to drink alcohol."

"Who cares about the law?"

"He does." Lyn pointed at the bartender.

"That could be a problem," Jack agreed.

"Meow!"

"Hello Gypsy," Jack said. "You stole my hat a few times yourself, as I recall."

"Don't forget that she tried to eat it," Lyn reminded him.

"Mreow."

"She says it tasted good," Lyn translated.

Lyn wandered off in search of Junior. She began to feel faint, so she went to the edge of the ship for some fresh air. Bad idea. She fainted over the side of the ship into the water far below. Junior dove in after her, but she'd already swallowed a lot of water by the time he got her onto the Pearl, and she wasn't breathing. He knew CPR (though not by that name), so he used that to pump the water out of her lungs. When she woke (in the middle of the mouth-to-mouth), she immediately went into her kicking routine. But this time Junior was prepared; Jack Sparrow did not make the same mistake twice. He rolled out of the way and waited for Lyn to get to her feet before he approached her.

"There you are, Jack!" she said. "I was looking for you."

"Hell of a way to find me."

She smiled. "It's rather disappointing, actually. Me firs' kiss, an' I wasn't even awake for it."

When Jack realized his compass had been stolen, he decided to try to get it back. But first, there were more important things to attend to. Such as Trey's wedding.

"Now I don't know much about landlubber customs," Jack admitted, "but we're pirates, so this is going to be a proper pirate wedding. Trey, Katie, do you bow to uphold the duties of husband and wife, and to love each other through good times and bad?"

"I do."

"I do."

"Then I hereby declare you man and wife."

Somewhere Katie had gotten a bouquet of flowers. She threw it into the air. Junior caught it, then gave it to Lyn. Lyn began to cry. As Dweia said, "I always cry at weddings."

"Go give her a hug!" Katie hissed.

Junior protested. "She's been avoiding me for the past week."

"What do you do when a girl runs away from you?" Katie asked with exaggerated patience.

"Chase her," Junior replied automatically. Katie gave him a "duh" look. "Oh. But it's Lyn!"

"I think you like her," Katie teased.

Trey grinned. "I think he's scared of her."

Junior threw up his arms in surrender. "Fine. But if she slaps me, I'll tell her it was your idea."

As it turned out, Lyn did not slap him. The hug seemed to cheer her up a great deal—seemed, because, besides the fact that she always cried at weddings, the crying had been a sham intended to get him to hug her. What she really felt was triumphant.

They all went ashore for a good party, with drinks all around, and cake and cookies to spare. And Lyn. Not a good combination. Flushed with success, drunk, and on a sugar-high, she decided to start a food fight.

"Arr! Gotcha! Haha!" she cried, as she pegged various pirates with food. Tearlach was one of the first to join in, after Katie and Jack Junior. Soon food was flying in every direction.

There were also some party poppers with shiny metallic stuff in them. After spraying shiny everywhere, Lyn got the great idea to re-use them to launch food.

Into the chaos came Norrington and his marines. Captain Tobias Carter took a ball of mashed potatoes in the head, and immediately retaliated by throwing a handful of beans.

Norrington attempted to create order. "Freeze! You are under arrest for piracy." They all ignored him. Katie and Lyn were too busy chasing after shiny to listen.

Unfortunately, the marines got into the rum. Soon they were singing happily—and badly off-key. Worse even than Tom. They sang "A Pirate's Life for Me," which the supermodels had taught them.

"A toast!" someone called. Lyn threw toast at him. "A toast to the happy couple!"

"A toast to the captain!" someone else yelled.

"Here's to Uncle Jack!" Lyn said, to the annoyance of "Uncle Jack."

"A toast to Stormwind!" said Jack Junior. "Here's to Uncle Sam!"

"To Uncle Sam!" Lyn repeated. "Here's to the bloody United States of America!"

Only Katie understood the joke. She replied with a joke that only Lyn understood. "Jesus is bëngala. Jesus is poisonwood!"

"A song!"

Lyn, who loved country, began to sing "Born Country." Eventually everyone joined in for the chorus: "I was born country, and that's what I'll always be, like the rivers and the woodlands wild and free. I've got a hundred years of outlaw running through my blood. I was born country, and this country's what I love."

Then Lyn sang "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," which was listed in the yearbook as her favorite song, even above the songs she'd made up; her quote, however, was her own: "Nothing is impossible, except bringing the dead back to life—and even that has been done."

"Looks like the Black Pearl is manned by a skeleton crew," someone remarked.

Katie, Trey, Lyn, and Jack (Junior) decided to go tell Katie's sister Lisa the happy news. The problem was, Lisa was at school.

"Weapons are not allowed at this school."

"Tha's too bad," Lyn slurred.

"Are you drunk?"

"What makes you think I'm drunk? In their wake they lea'e des'uction, mate. I on'y had four d'inks, but Im' hol'in' up siss finners."

"Who are you?"

"Lyndsay Astra, at yer service."

"Captain Jack Sparrow is the name."

"Killjoy Kate Adams," Lyn introduced her friend.

"Turner."

"Turner, sorry. And her husband, William Turner."

"Is this some sort of joke?"

"Pirates!" Katie exclaimed.

"We're pirates," Lyn said.

"No, I mean Barbossa's pirates."

"Where?"

"Over there. Attacking the school."

"Bloody pirates."

Most of the students ran screaming away from the pirates. A few ran screaming toward the pirates. "Bilge rates!" Lyn's brother Tom yelled as he prepared himself to fight. He'd been in martial arts for the past year, and was an orange belt, like his sister. Lyn tossed him her extra sword. She used her other sword to chop off the head of one of the pirates. He didn't bleed. "Unbloody pirates, then."

Nick appeared, riding a golf cart, holding half a pair of hedge-clippers in each hand. He had some bright orange outdoor heavy-duty extension cord he was using as rope to strangle the pirates. He dropped the clippers and picked up a shovel, which he used to bang a pirate over the head.

Then Lisa appeared, dragging Charles and Jared. Katie took Jared, grabbed the medallion, and shoved him toward Trey. Jack took Charles. He had Charles's medallion in his glove thingy.

"Parley!" Katie demanded, holding up the medallion. She and Barbossa's pirates left.

Lyn turned to Lisa. "Katie wanted to tell you that she got married."

"Really? To whom?"

"William Turner the Third."

Lisa laughed. "Bet she's on Cloud Nine. Say, what're you going to do about them?" She indicated Charles and Jared.

"Take 'em to the Isla de Muerta. We'll need to steal a boat."

"The Yacht Club," Tom suggested. "Lyn, you can drive."

"Lisa can drive," Lyn said.

"Sorry. I can't miss any more school."

"We can use my car," Nick offered.

They dragged Charles and Jared to Nick's car. "Tom, you drive. I'm drunk."

Twenty minutes later…

"Is it just me, or are there police cars following us?" Nick asked.

"Hit the gas!" Lyn shouted.

"Let me go, you filthy scum!" Charles commanded.

Trey hit Charles over the head, which knocked him unconscious.

"Watch out for that tree!" Lyn's voice was shrill.

"I can see it just fine! I'm not blind!"

"Oh yeah? Then why do you need glasses?"

"I don't!"

"Tom, turn the car! We're about to run off the road!"

"Hey, this is fun," Tom remarked. "Is there any way we can attach rockets to this thing?"

"I'm sure there is," Lyn said through clenched teeth. "The Mythbusters attached rockets to a car."

At the Yacht Club, they all ran out of the car and piled into a little sailboat. Jack and Trey took out the mast and waited for the police boat to catch up. They all jumped onto the police boat and pushed the police into the water. Tom took the Captain's chair and drove the boat away from the dock.

The engine stopped as soon as they entered the vortex.

"What do we do now?"

"That's what the mast is for."

They tied Charles and Jared to the mast for stability.

"Who are you?" Jared asked.

"Pirates."

"You can't be!" Charles said. "I recognize you. You're Lyndsay and Tomas and Nick."

"Lightning Lyn to you, son. An' this is Tornado Tom."

"Cap'n Jack Sparrow's the name."

"I thought Tom was the captain," Nick remarked.

"You're not Jack," Charles asserted. "I know 'cause I've seen 'im."

"That's nice," Jack said. "Ever thought there might be more than one Jack in this world? On second thought, ye prolly never thought at all."

"Where are you taking us?" Jared asked in a small voice.

"To the Isla de Muerta," Lyn replied. "We're going to sacrifice you to the Aztec gods."

"You wouldn't!"

"Pirates."

"You can't," Charles said confidently. "You can't find the island."

"Yes we can."

"You don't have to compass."

"Yes we do," Nick said, holding up said compass.

Lyn began to laugh. "Pickpocket."

Nick bowed with a flourish—and fell on his face as a wave caused the boat to lurch.

Katie climbed aboard the Black Pearl and headed immediately for Captain Barbossa. "Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against the school. Means I want you to put the school to your rudder and ne'er return."

"No."

"Do as I say, or I'll drop the medallion."

"What's your name?"

"Kathleen Turner."

The next few minutes were basically a repeat of the movie—or prepeat, from Barbossa's viewpoint. Then things started to differ.

"... second, you must be a pirate for the pirate's code to apply—"

"I am a pirate, mate."

Barbossa glared at her. "And thirdly, er…."

"I'd give you a minute to thing of something, but it would probably take longer than that for you to learn how to think," Katie said sweetly. "So I'll give you an excuse for keeping me on board: the Code is more guidelines than actual rules."

More time passed.

"The captain requests that you dine with him tonight."

Katie smiled. "Well, you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request. Means 'no.'"

As the Pearl was about to go through the vortex, Katie reclaimed the medallion, stole a rowboat, and got away. The Pearl went into the vortex and disappeared. Katie rowed to the Isla de Muerta, where she found Nick, Tom, Lyn, Junior—Jack Junior, sorry Lyn (I don't know what's gotten into her)—and Trey. Charles and Jared were cowering in a corner, having already been "sacrificed to the Aztec gods." Katie threw the medallion into the stone chest and the idiot kids were allowed to leave in the motorboat—might as well let them take the blame for stealing it, after all. A bit later, Jack's Pearl showed up, and they told him not to worry, they'd already reclaimed the compass.

"Actually," Nick said, "I think I'll keep it."

"You forget, mate," Lyn said, "I had practice stealin' when I was in Tortuga. I have the compass now."

"Just hand it over, love," Jack said. "You can steal it again later."

Wow. Seven pages in Word. About what I expected, actually, but still. Wow. This is one whopper of a chapter. Please review. In your review you may leave suggested scenarios for later chapters. Any new ideas would be welcome.

Fireblade K'Chona: Er, I'm not exactly sure who Sunsinger and Shadowdancer are. I just know they have to do with Velgarth. Hmm, Martians would add to the insanity. Maybe they could come on the Enterprise. Or maybe the Enterprise could fight a Martian ship. In fact, I'm having one Martian come in, oh, Chapter 6.