Into the Vortex Chapter 6: Visitors from Valdemar and a Martian Maniac.

A/N (6/10/04): The original title was "Visitors from Valdemar," but then Elfcarii got into the story because she came up with the title "Drunk Lightning" for the chapter that was previously "You Stole My Hat for want of a better title" in "Pirates, Ye Be Warned."

A/N 2 (6/10/04): I just returned last night from West Point. I had great fun there. We even got to go to Camp Buckner and train with the 101st Airborne Division. I got to shoot a Howitzer.

Disclaimer: I don't own the cadence. I learned it at West Point. I don't own anything from Valdemar. Well, actually, I think I own Lyndsay, and my evil twin probably owns Bard Woggle because she's based off Friday. Elfcarii of course owns her character. Hey, I should start selling these part-shares in my story. Er, the "So I said to myself" stuff belongs to my Chemistry teacher Mr. G. He is the most awesome Chem teacher ever. Er, oh yeah. I don't own Uncle Jack, but I do own 'is son. Woot for me owning Jack Junior! Yay! The interruptions are actually thanks to my brother.

            As usual in this story, the Black Pearl was floating somewhere in the vortex in the Bermuda Triangle. At least it was floating, rather than sinking. Which was definitely a good thing. Lyn was muttering something under her breath about floating around in boats and doing God knows what with goats.

            "Lyn, what are you saying?" Katie demanded of her friend.

            "It's a cadence I learned at West Point," Lyn explained. "It goes like this: 'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "''Cause they float around in boats, doing God knows what with goats—.'"

"Doing God knows what with those boats," Tom interrupted.

Despite the interruption, Lyn continued, "'Oh there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "'Singing glorious, victorious, one keg of beer for the four of us. Singing glory be to God that there are no more of us, 'cause one of us could drink it all alone. Damn near. Pass the beer. To the rear. Of the company. Hey!'"

            "Interesting," Katie said, hoping to keep Lyn from continuing, because Lyn showed every sign of doing just that.

            It didn't work. "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'

            "'In the Air Force!'

            "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'

            "'In the Air Force!'

            "''Cause they teach 'em how to fly, then they crash an' burn an' die, oh there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'"

            "Then they do God knows what with those airplanes," Tom added.

            "'In the Air Force!'" Now Lyn did stop, although there was still another verse that she knew.

            "Um, Jack?" Trey said. He'd been looking around the ship to avoid having to pay attention to Lyn's singing/chanting of the cadence.

            "Yes, Trey?" Uncle Jack said.

            "What's a horse doing aboard your ship?"

            "I don't know, son," Uncle Jack said absentmindedly. "Wait a minute. There's a horse aboard my ship?!"

            :Actually, I'm a Companion,: the white not-horse said.

            "Great," Uncle Jack muttered. "Now I'm hearing voices."

            "You've always heard voices, Jack," Lyn said. "Yer not deaf. I think."

            "Would anyone care to tell me where that bloody horse came from?" Uncle Jack demanded.

            "Companion," a girl who could have been Lyn's twin—but not her evil twin—corrected. "An' she was born in the Companion's Field in Valdemar."

            "Where did you come from?" Uncle Jack demanded.

            "Lake Evendim," Lyn-twin replied.

            "You look like Lyn!" Uncle Jack said after squinting at her for a moment.

            "I am Lyn," Lyn-twin replied. "'Ow did ye know me name?"

            "There are two of you now?!" Uncle Jack demanded, horrified.

            "But—but--I made you up!" Lyn protested. "You're not supposed to exist!"

            "I think, therefore I am," Lyn-twin replied, unperturbed. "In'n that right, horse?"

            "You called it a horse!" Uncle Jack said triumphantly. "So it is a horse."

            "She is a Companion, and if ye call 'er a horse she'll kick ye. She won' kick me, though." Lyn-twin frowned, then laughed. "She jes' tol' me t' consider meself kicked." She looked around at the pirates. "Say, this is a pirate ship, innit?"

            "Aye," Lyn replied, with the oddest sensation that she was talking to herself. Not that she minded; she talked to herself all the time. ("So I said to myself, 'Self….' Then Self said to me….")

            "Damn," said Lyn-twin. "Moral dilemma. I'm a Herald, so I should turn ye in, but then, I never did want to 'ave t' fight pirates. Damn."

            "Lightning," Lyn said, "why don' ye change out o' those oh-shoot-me-now Herald's Whites, eh? An'—I'll innerduce ye to the crew. This 'ere be Captain Jack Sparrow. I call 'im Uncle Jack. An' 'is son, Jack Junior. Keep yer 'ands off Junior, 'cause 'e's mine. An' Trey 'ere—that'd be Bootstrap Bill Turner the Third—belongs to Katie o'er there—Killjoy Kate. Me evil twin. An' she really is a party pooper—I swear she's an undercover agent for the Fun Police."

            "My secret has been revealed," Katie said dramatically. Lightning laughed in appreciation.

            "'Ere's Gibbs, an' the lady o'er there is Anamaria. The dwarf is Zhao, an' the bald one 'oo's not the dwarf is Tearlach. Tearlach is awesome. Really great guy. I'm Lightning Lyn, jes' like yerself, but ye can call me Lyn an' we'll call ye Lightning. Should work okay."

            "Call me Herald Lyndsay," Lightning suggested.

            "Sure. Herald Lyndsay. Bit of a mouthful, but oh well. At least I won' be turnin' 'round too often when people are talkin' to ye." Maybe it was the fact that she was already on a nonexistent ship full of nonexistent pirates, but Lyn seemed to be taking the fact that she was speaking with a character she made up in stride.

            Some music floated toward them across the ship. Although how anything can float on a floating ship is beyond me.

            "Where's that music coming from?" Jack asked.

            "Er—I don't know." Lyn cocked her head to try to determine the origin of the music.

            "I don't know either," said a flame-haired boy. Herald Lyndsay recognized him as Lavan.

            "Lan!" Herald Lyndsay exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

            "I think I died and went to the Havens," Lavan replied.

            "It's me, Bard Woggle," said a figure in Bardic red. This newcomer could have been Katie's twin—even Katie's evil twin—although how an evil twin could have an evil twin is also beyond me. "I'm from Valdemar, but I've traveled all over Velgarth. I'd say we were in Lake Evendim, but it's far too warm. So. Were are we?"

            Lyn gave Bard Woggle a sardonic smile. "You have been transported to the world called Earth—so imaginative, aren't we, naming our world 'Dirt'—and are aboard the pirate ship Black Pearl somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle off the coast of Florida. We're pirates, an' if ye don' like that, then too bad."

            "What about the Herald over there?" Bard Woggle asked. Surely no Herald would be aboard a pirate ship. Although she thought she recognized Herald Lyndsay, who was notorious for her pranks. Even after she achieved full Whites.

            Lyn looked at Herald Lyndsay. "Um, we don't know what to do with her. An' she doesn't know what to do with us, so we're square."

            "Who's square?" someone asked. "Or can I see you? Because if you're square you're only two-dimensional, so you really can't be seen. Or are you cube?"

            Lyn laughed. "That would be cubic." She paused a moment, studying the newcomer. She had coppery hair that came down to mid-thigh and was braided. Her skin was pale. She had blue-green eyes—no, they were completely green; why had she thought they were blue-green? She looked slightly bewildered. Well, more than slightly, actually. She was significantly shorter than Lyn—there was about a foot's difference in their heights. She wore a loose t-shirt and jeans. "I like you," Lyn declared. "What's your name?"

            "Kyra," the girl replied. "Where am I?"

            Lyn gave her whole spiel about exactly where she was, including the world. If she sent Lyn a look that said "What planet are you from?" for telling her what planet they were on, she'd just reply that she was from Omalya.

            "Earth?" Kyra asked. "How did I get there?"

            "Prolly the vortex," Lyn mused. "It does really weird things. At the moment it seems to be programmed to pull people here from other planets. By the way, what planet are you from? Velgarth?"

            "What the hell is Velgarth?" Kyra asked.

            "Nevermind. Just tell me what planet yer from."

            "Why, Mars of course."

            "So yer a Martian."

            "Do I look green and bug-eyed to you?" Kyra demanded. "Do I have three legs? How would you like to be called a terrarium?"

            "A terrarium is a type of cage," Tom began didactically. "It's like an aquarium in that it is a glass or plastic, open-topped box, but it holds earth, not water. It's used to house reptiles, usually. The proper term for a resident of the planet Earth—Terra—is a Terran. A Terran can also be called a Tellurian, because another name for Earth is Tellus." Tom nodded emphatically. "Sometimes Terrans are also called Earthlings," he added.

            "Thank ye, Tom," Lyn sighed.

            Uncle Jack rolled his eyes. "It's your fault, Lyn. Getting him started with that explanation of time travel. Honestly, haven't you ever heard of common courtesy? On second thought, you probably have not."

            Lyn smiled brightly. "I've heard of it. I never really understood the concept."

            "Say," Tom said brightly. "Maybe I should explain it again for our guests."

            "I don' think he understood it either," Lyn remarked.

            By this time Kyra's eyes had changed back to blue-green, although Lyn wasn't exactly sure, because they were more green than blue. The poor girl still looked rather confused.

            "Oh, sorry. I forgot to innerduce ye to the crew. I'm Lightning Lyn Astra. This is me brother, Tornado Tom. 'E's rather into science an' all, so 'e likes to explain things, like time travel. This is me friend, Nick. An' 'ere's me evil twin, Killjoy Kate. This be Captain Jack Sparrow—I call 'im Uncle Jack—an' 'is son, Jack Junior. Jack Junior is mine, so keep yer 'ands off 'im." Lyn noticed that Kyra was looking at Trey.

            "Who's he?" Kyra asked, bright-eyed. She had the "eye candy" look written all over her.

            "That's Bootstrap Bill Turner the Third. 'E belongs to Friday—Killjoy, I mean—an' she'll kill ye if ye so much as look at 'im the wrong way. So keep yer eyes to yerself. Er, the one 'oo looks like me is 'Erald Lyndsay. Bloody 'Erald. Dunno what she's doin' on a pirate ship. Blame it on the vortex. Ye can tell 'er apart from me 'cause she wears them oh-shoot-me-now 'Erald's Whites. The one 'oo looks like Katie—that'd be Killjoy Kate—is Bard Woggle. Ye know, me dad useter call me Woggle. I dunno why. Anyhoo, Woggle an' Lyndsay are from Valdemar in the world o' Velgarth. Er, everyone, this is Kyra."

            "Hi," Kyra said. She waved at them. Now her eyes were definitely blue-green.

            Weird, thought Lyn. 'Er eyes change color. Reminds me o' Polgara. 'Cept Polgara's eyes were violet. An' they changed to grey. Still, it's weird. I've never seen it afore.

            "'Ello love," Jack said to her.

            Lyn gave Jack a hard look.

            "Sorry love," Jack said to Lyn. "I'm a pirate. I belong to no one. I'm me own man, savvy? I'll flirt with whomever I please."

            Lyn crossed her arms and glared.

            "On the other hand, perhaps I only please to flirt with one person," Jack said quickly.

            "Better," Lyn said. "Yer learnin'."

            "Katie! Lyn! You've got to come help," Trey gasped. He was out of breath from running across the deck to fetch the two girls. "Herald Lyndsay persuaded Captain Sparrow to cook dinner!"

            "Uncle Jack is attempting to cook?" Lyn asked incredulously. "I've got to see this!"

            Katie made a face. "I hope dinner is edible."

            "Oh, don't worry," Lyn grinned. "They say that in the army, the food is mighty fine. The chicken jumped off the table an' started markin' time."

            "With it's feathers on fire, I'm sure," Trey muttered. "Come on! Hurry, before he blows up the ship! Honestly, that's what he's going to do if we don't stop him." Trey's expression was urgent.

            He led the girls up to the deck, where Jack was attempting to barbecue some unidentifiable, possibly edible substance which looked like meat.

            "Hey!" said Lyn. "Yer a boucanier!"

            "You know French?" Uncle Jack asked.

            "Aye. The important stuff, at least. Je m'appelle Lightning Lyn Astra. Je suis de Melbourne, Florida. Je suis American. Je suis—er, 'ow d'ye say 'pirate' in French?"

            "Pirate," Uncle Jack replied, giving the word a French accent. "Or boucanier," he added.

            "Je suis pirate," Lyn said. "Battez la navale!"

            "Love," Uncle Jack said, "we pirates avoid the Navy."

            "How do ye say 'Go Army' in French?" Lyn asked.

            "No idea," Uncle Jack admitted. "I've never had any reason to say 'Go Army' in French."

            "Ah well," Lyn sighed. "Go Army. Battez la navale!"

            "Why are ye cheerin' for the army, love?" Jack asked.

            "Because Army rocks. West Point is awesome. I've got a water bottle that says, 'Go Army. Beat Navy.'"

            "Are there any books around here?" Kyra asked.

            "No," Lyn said, pouting. "More's the pity. Say, maybe we could raid my home an' get some o' my books."

            At that moment there was a bright light as the water caught fire.

            "Well, I guess that old sayin' 'bout can't boil water without burnin' it's true after all," Lyn remarked. "What did ye put in there? Gasoline?"

            "Rum," Uncle Jack replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What's gasoline?"

            "Never mind," Lyn said shortly before Tom could begin to reply.

            Everyone covered their heads as the food caught fire, then exploded. Uncle Jack, unfortunately, was too close to the explosion. He was blown overboard. Which was probably a good thing, because at that point the ship caught fire, and if Uncle Jack saw the Pearl on fire, who knows what he'd do.

            Lyn grabbed the burning water and threw it on the fire. It only caused the fire to flare. Someone else had the better idea of throwing the non-ruminated water on the fire, which made it go out.

            Then they went after Uncle Jack. Lyn jumped in and rescued him. She rather liked playing the hero. She had actually planned to go into the Coast Guard—to fight pirates—until Jack kidnapped her.

            After the cooking incident, Lyn was rather bored. So she thought. Then she thought some more. She began to think about shiny stuff. She drew her cutlass and looked at it. "Shiny," she said.

            "Shiny," Kyra echoed.

            "You like shiny too?" Lyn asked.

            "Shiny," Kyra replied. "The magpies will take over the world! Muahahahahahahahahaha!"

            Lyn gave her that look—the one that said "Which planet are you from?"

            "I've already told you," Kyra replied. "I'm from Mars."

            "You told me," Lyn corrected. "Not my look."

            Kyra gave Lyn a look that said, "What planet are you from?"

            "I'm from Omalya," Lyn replied.

            "Riiiight," Kyra said.

            "Shiny," Lyn said.

            "Shiny," Kyra repeated.

            "Gold is shiny," Lyn said.

            "Shiny," Kyra said.

            Lyn ran down to her cabin and grabbed a party popper, then ran back up and sprayed shiny all over Kyra.

            "Shiny!" Kyra squealed. She ran after the shiny and gathered up as much as she could. "My shiny!"

            "The gold coins at the Isla de Muerta are shiny. But we can't get them. They're cursed." Her eyes lit up suddenly, and a lightbulb flashed over her head. "I feel like I'm in Xanth," she remarked. She turned to Herald Lyndsay. "Say, aren't Companions sort of immortal? So Lyrna could get the medallions."

            "How did ye know me Companion's name?" Herald Lyndsay demanded.

            "I tol' ye, I made ye up," Lyn said.

            So they went to the Isla de Muerta, and Lyrna got the medallions out of the chest. Kyra gathered up quite a few. "Shiny," she said.

            "Much shiny," Lyn agreed. "Ye'll make a good pirate. Yer completely obsessed with treasure."

            But Kyra had wandered off to explore the caves.

            I guess I'll end it here. Elfcarii, please give me more ideas for what Kyra will do.

            Friday:I love country music! Hehe, you really do like to annoy other people. Killjoy.

            Yeah, the new type doesn't work. Thanks for pointing that out. Now I go in on the QuickEdit thingy and put in breaks.

            Sure, you can write the story about you being kidnapped.

            Oh, extremely original. About as original as Will and Elizabeth in naming their children. Maybe even a bit more original.

No, he has a brother named Jonny. But it all sounds the same.

I know! Toby Keith rocks! He even has an awesome name!

Yep, I get Tom to explain it anyways.

So you read it too. Jesus is Poisonwood was great.

Well, Lyn is half-Texan.

Yes, there's a point to the skeleton crew remark. It conjured Barbossa's pirates.

            Tom is thirteen, almost fourteen.

            Neither, actually. I guess I'd just been working on "Into the Vortex" too much. It affects me the same way as a sugar-high. So does being at West Point for that matter. Woot for stabbing juice cartons! Woot for chugging condiments!

I got the two thirteenths of a moment from Xanth.

No, Norrington is not drunk.

Fireblade K'Chona: Randomness is good. I'll try to put Tom Bombadil in—I almost feel sorry for Tom Astra. He'll get mistaken for Bombadil, probably, and he hates songs. By the way, I didn't know Hell was funny. Although, if it isn't, then anything would be funnier than Hell.

            Woot! Seven pages! And it's all of one page four lines in my outline. Woot for getting more crazy ideas! Woot for waking up at 0530 every morning for a week! (That might be where some of my current craziness comes from.) Woot for waking up at 0430 yesterday!

Sorry for not putting this in before. I'll also put it in my reply to Friday's review (if I remember). Here are the translations of the French words:

Boucanier-barbecuer or buccaneer

Je m'appelle Lightning Lyn Astra-My name is Lightning Lyn Astra

Je suis de Melbourne, Florida-I am from Melbourne, Florida

Je suis American-I am American

Je suis pirate-I am a pirate

Battez la navale-Beat Navy!