Disclaimer: I don't own it. This is just a crazy story based off PotC, and a bit off LotR and some other books I've read. The drinking song is, of course, from the RotK movie. I love Hobbits' drinking songs!


A/N (6/28/04): Sorry for taking so long to update. I don't know what took me so long! Well, probably the fact that I've been helping out at Math Camp for the past two weeks. But that's no excuse! Now I know I had the beginning of the chapter around here somewhere… where is it? Khar! Stupid bureaucracy! ("Khar" means "bureaucracy," by the way.) I can't find it!


A/N (6/28/04): The appearance of Gollum was totally unexpected. So don't blame me. He just decided to show up. "Lady of the Sea" is a phrase I came up with to describe a female pirate. It's in my poem, "A Pirate's Life for Me."


A/N (6/28/04): I would just like to say that I can actually shoot better than Lyn can at the beginning of this chapter. I actually won first place in the shooting match that Lyn mentions, but when I wrote the chapter I thought I'd gotten second, and anyways it's funnier when it's second place. Just recently I shot small balloons at 50 yards with an AR-15, which is the civilian version of an M-16.


Elfcarii: Yep, the One Ring works. Wow! Shinies rock! Here's some more shinies because I'm feeling special. Hands shiny to Elfcarii.

Fireblade K'Chona: I liked that line, too. Oh, yeah. I think there's a chapter titled "Moral Dilemma." Tom Bombadil is going to annoy Tom Astra to death! Just you watch!


Kyra wandered through the caves, getting further and further from the pirates. She soon realized that this might be a problem if she got lost. She considered leaving a trail behind her, but the only things with which to leave a trail were her shinies, and she really didn't want to part with them. Her dilemma: risk getting lost, or risk losing her shinies? She eventually convinced herself that she wouldn't get lost, because she'd been raised in the caves on Mars.

She got lost anyways. The caves on Earth smelt different than the caves on Mars, so she was unable to find her way back to the pirates. Ah well, she consoled herself. At least I still have my shinies. At the thought of shinies, she brought one of them out and stared at it worshipfully, much like Gollum looking at the precious. "Shiny," she said. Then, "My Precious."

Gollum came caterwaultering through the caves toward her. "Precious?" he asked. He peered at her and saw that she didn't have the Ring. Then something seemed to tug at him, and he ran off, back the way Kyra had come. Since she had nothing better to do, she followed him at a run.

Soon he came upon the pirates, specifically Lyn. Lyn was, by this time, very drunk, and having a great time dancing to music that only she could hear. She had dragged Jack (Junior) onto the makeshift dance floor, and they were busy stomping their feet and singing:

"Oh, you can search far and wide,

You can drink the whole town dry,

But you'll never find a beer so brown,

You'll never find a beer so brown

As the one we drink in our hometown,

As the one we drink in our hometown!

You can drink your fancy ales,

You can drink 'em by the flagon,

But the only brew for the brave and true

Comes from The Green Dragon!"

Then the two of them downed their bottles of rum.

"Precious!" Gollum cried, lunging at Lyn. He knocked Jack out of the way when said gentleman (of fortune) tried to defend the lady (of the sea).

"My Preciousss!" Lyn responded, grabbing Gollum's arms and forcing him to dance with her. Jack looked slightly relieved, although he still looked worried for Lyn.

When Gollum tried to strangle Lyn in order to get the Ring, Gypsy jumped on his back, curled herself around his neck, and began to purr.

"She never does that for me," Lyn said with a pout.

"Precious?" Gollum said uncertainly too the cat.

Gypsy purred louder.

"Precious!" Gollum declared.

"Oh, great," Tom moaned. "Next will be your stupid mini-Balrog whats'isname, or that Tom Bombadil yer always quotin'."

Lyn grinned happily and sang:

"Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!

By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,

By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!

Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!"

A few seconds later, they all heard a merry voice raised in song.

"Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,

Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.

None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:

His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster!"

Tom Astra groaned. "No. Please. Just get me out of here!"

Lyn dragged Gollum around the dance floor to the rhythm of Tom Bombadil's singing.


Once more aboard the Black Pearl, the pirates sailed back to the Bermuda Triangle. It was a long, boring journey, made more interesting (and annoying) by Tom Bombadil's singing, Tom Astra's off-key humming (the point of which was to drown out Tom Bombadil's singing), and Gollum's attempts to find his new Precious when she didn't want to be found. In the midst of all this, Jack sought out Lyn at the prow of the ship, where she stood, watching the waves.

"Lyn, darling, can you shoot?" he asked.

"I can shoot a bow," she replied.

He wondered whether being annoying was contagious, because she seemed to have caught it from Tom. Both of them. "Can you shoot a gun?" he asked, semi-patiently. This was, after all, Lyn he was dealing with.

"I can shoot American-style," she said.

"Show me."

She took out her pistol and shot at a fish leaping out of the water. She didn't even come close.

"You call that shooting?" Jack demanded.

"I did win a shooting contest once," Lyn said defensively. "Well, actually I won second place, and there were only two people in my division—but I still won seventy-five dollars!"

Jack sighed. He went to his father and requested that he share Lyn's watch, in order to teach her how to shoot.

"It that the only reason, Jack darling?" Lyn asked coyly.

"Oh, of course," Jack said, raising his eyebrows innocently.

"You know," Lyn said, "the real purpose of a gun is for threatenin'. An' I can do that just fine. An' I can fight like the devil hisself. King o' Tavern Fightin', I was, back when I got stranded in Tortuga. Killed a man, I did. Stupid blighter. Tried to stab me in the back. Cut me 'and, then stepped back to gloat, the idiot some of a bilge rat. Nivver thought I might be left-'anded. Nivver thought at all, prolly. O' course, I did ha' me sword on me left side, but 'e was dumb enou' to fight me in the firs' place, me bein' undefeated an' all, an' then dumb enou' to get angry when 'e lost, which is what led to the attempt at back-stabbin', so I'm sure 'e was dumb enou' not to notice which side I 'ad me sword on. So, while 'e was gloatin', I took out me sword wi' me left 'and an' skewered 'im right nice."

"Dad told me you burned down Tortuga," Jack remarked after Lyn had finished her story.

"Well, that was Tom's idea," Lyn said. "I'd burnt down the ship o' this pirate 'oo got on me nerves, so 'e suggested we burn down the 'ole bloody town. So we did. It was actually rather pretty while it was burnin'. Speakin' o' Tortuga, when I'm rich I'm gonna pay to 'ave it returned to its former state o' bein' a 'proliferous bouquet,' as yer father so eloquently put it."

Jack laughed. Lyn was so positive, he couldn't help but laugh around her.

As the days progressed, Jack taught Lyn the proper way to shoot a pistol, pirate-style. Sharpshooter-style, even. She still called her shooting American-style, however. "Or mebbe it's police-style. Keep shootin' until ya hit yer target. See, that's why Americans like machine guns."

"What's a machine gun?" Jack asked.

"Oh, it's a gun that keeps on shootin' as long as ye hold down the trigger. Sort o' like a water gun. Er, never mind. I don' much care for 'em, meself, but that's jes' me."

"Great," Jack said. "Just as long as our targets don't have these machine guns."

"Oh, civilians aren't allowed to have them," Lyn said confidently. "Although me dad has the civilian version of the M-16, which is a machine gun. But the civilian version isn't a machine gun, it's a regular rifle."

During Lyn's next stint as lookout, the Black Pearl was surrounded by other pirates. Lyn gave the warning sooner than anyone else could have, except maybe her evil twin—she had very sharp eyes—but still it came too late. They were outnumbered. The other pirates boarded them, looking for treasure. They intended to take over the ship as well.

"You'll regret it if you take this ship," Tom said.

At the same time, Uncle Jack said, "Nobody takes my Pearl."

Lyn climbed slowly down the rigging until she was close enough to shoot. Then she wove her legs through the ropes so she wouldn't fall. She took out her pistol and took careful aim at the pirate captain. Carefully she squeezed the trigger.

Bang!

The pirate captain fell, bleeding from a wound in his chest. He was dead.

Lyn called down from her spot on the rigging, "Anyone else care to take a turn? I've got enough bullets for the lot o' ye!"

The enemy pirates dropped their weapons in surrender.

Lyn climbed down from the rigging.

"Good shot, Lyn," Jack said.

Lyn surveyed her work with understandable pride. "Now that's what I call real American-style shooting."


Review! Or I shall send Lyn after ye with Gollum an' Gypsy an' Lyn's American-style shootin' pistol. An' I might send Tom Bombadil to sing to ye an' Tom Astra to hum at ye. Loudly an' off-key. On the other hand, if ye do review, I'll prolly get the next chapter up faster.